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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What have YOU ever done for me?

130 replies

bijou3 · 07/05/2012 18:41

This is what my horrid, horrid teenage child just said to me.

OP posts:

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 07/05/2012 20:00

I think he is too he hadn't shown it on the outside it was dated 29th April so only last Sunday ago.

When I remember last Sunday everything seemed fine

thebody · 07/05/2012 20:01

Teatea oh god. Yes he is projecting his anger about your illness, please don't b too upset as sure he loves u so much, expect he just scared. Yes he may benefit from counselling.

nickelhasababy · 07/05/2012 20:01

Tea - you probably have a group in your area where kids of cancer sufferers (sorry I can't think of another more appropriate word) hang out and talk about stuff.

I bet he's scared. :)

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 07/05/2012 20:08

I know I thought I might speak to macmillan to see if they can advise.

It didn't help that it was on the news about Adam Yauch (beastie boys) dying of the same cancer that I have. I'm not dying no where near but I do have good days and bad days where I'm in a lot of pain.

He seems to be a typical boy that hides his feelings.

I'm not sure if he was just venting or if he really is scared and needs help.

I'm sorry to hijack your post op I just kind of wanted to show that it could be worse. sorry

TidyDancer · 07/05/2012 20:10

Oh Tea. :(

I'm sorry you had to read that, but I agree with the others, I am absolutely sure it was heat of the moment and nothing else.

When I was feeling annoyed or upset with my mum at that age, I would write various diaries saying I would never let her know my DCs. The thought of her reading that wounds me now, but I never for a moment actually meant it.

Best of luck with treatment.

EclecticShock · 07/05/2012 20:13

When my brother and I thought my mum might have cancer... It was before she had a a full investigation. He was completely weird and shut down. I do think sometimes they blame you for the situation, immature emotional development etc. I'm sorry you're both going though. Support hopefully will help him, he is very young to understand how to deal with the thought of losing you. Also, cancers are so different but he probably associated it all with dying. Hope you find some support.

EclecticShock · 07/05/2012 20:14

I know it's normal for teenagers to be awful but I think first port of call should be to try and understand their feelings as they are not very good at it themselves.

Original poster

bijou3 · 07/05/2012 20:17

Teatea, I?m so sorry you had to read what your son wrote; I agree with other posters that he is probably just scared. I don?t have any words of wisdom sadly but I hope you can just put it behind you and focus on getting yourself better ((((hugs))))

OP posts:

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 07/05/2012 20:22

I know he didn't mean it not at all.

I think the thing that has shocked me is that its only me and him so we're very close so was expecting to read something that I haven't seen expressed externally iykwim.

He's been fine today and there hasn't been a diary entry since 29th april I only read it on saturday.

I'm also going to tell the headteacher. Her and ds's teacher know so maybe they'll talk to him.

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 07/05/2012 20:23

wasn't

Duckypoohs · 07/05/2012 20:24

Really, honestly, don't do the passive aggressive pretending she doesn't exist shtick, it's so fucking horrible and damaging. My Mother was the fucking expert at this, she would then burst into my room after a couple of days/a week and demand to know why I was ignoring her .

I'm pretty sure a child would rather a lecture and defined punishments which are actually reasonable, these can be carried out, in the meantime the parent got the fuck over whatever crime they had committed (fair enough actual crime might be different).

I have to fight so hard not to be a passive aggressive loon who holds grudges and takes things ultra personally, it's so ingrained. A very accepting and persistently cheerful partner has gone a long way, I now only sulk for a few hours .

Have a rant at her, give her punishments (and carry them out) but don't do the whole go away/I can't look at you shit. She has marked her carpet and said something stupid in the heat of the moment, it's not that bad, you say she has been an angel until now, so she seriously deserves some understanding.

TidyDancer · 07/05/2012 20:25

Yes, I think speaking to the teachers is a very good idea. :)

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 07/05/2012 20:27

Thank you

oh and I agree with Ducky please don't do the pretending she isn't there trick.

aquashiv · 07/05/2012 20:29

£400 on clothes wowsa little madam I would take them back.
Has she said well I didnt ask to be born yet?
That was my all time favourite line.
God I dread the teenage years.

LentillyFart · 07/05/2012 20:33

That "I didn't ask to be born" thing - has anyone tried offering them a prize for finding the first fucker that DID? I did that with mine. He's still looking and the prize remains unclaimed!

MadameChinLegs · 07/05/2012 20:34

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 07/05/2012 20:38

I would avoid the ignoring her thing as well. My mum did this to me and it was awful. You need to bear in mind that what she said was horrible, but came from a hormonal teenager in the heat of the moment. For you, as a calm, collected adult to plan to emotionally torture her would be much worse. Talk to her about what she said, take away her stuff until she earns it back, at least then she knows where she stands.

Duckypoohs · 07/05/2012 20:43

HolyCamera emotional torture, yep that is an apt phrase. I may only have small children atm, but that is something I will never expose them to, it's hideous.

Original poster

bijou3 · 07/05/2012 20:51

I have spoken to her. I asked her if she had a reason to why she had spoken to me the way she did but she just kept quiet. I explained that I am taking her things away because right now she doesn?t deserve them but in time when she appreciates what I do she can earn them back. I also said that we can put today behind us and move on. I played her the song and she cried so I gave her a cuddle and told her that I?m always here if she needs to talk, just in case there is something bothering her.
I knew the teenage years were difficult but I didn?t expect it to come like a bolt out of the blue. Thank you for all the advice, its much appreciated.

OP posts:

JustFab · 07/05/2012 20:56

This thread has been an eye-opener for me and really useful.

I'd like to ask what you do when the result of something your child says could mean you don't wash or iron their school uniform and they go to a school which is uber strict. Is that a step too far? DH and I differ on this I think.

MadameChinLegs · 07/05/2012 20:58

Hmm...I would always provide clean ironed uniform as creased dirty uniform would directly reflect on me and I wouldn't want to get myself a reputation

Everything else would be up to her.

{Disclaimer} my DD is 4mo. I have a while before I have to test myself on my principles. The above is how I hope I would act.

JustFab · 07/05/2012 21:06

I agree. I always do their uniform. We have a deal, they put it in the basket when it is dirty and tell me the night before if they don't have any clean for the next day. We even have a notice on the landing for the evening routine. Told me at 7.30 they had no uniform..

JustFab · 07/05/2012 21:07

That was 7.30am

MadameChinLegs · 07/05/2012 22:03

And I sure hope you didnt run around like a blue arsed fly doing it for them

BellaVita · 07/05/2012 22:18

Surely you know though if they have clean uniform in their wardrobes and whether you have done any washing or not?

The boys have three shirts and three pair of trousers. When it gets to Tuesday night I will put their uniform into wash so they have clean for Thursday and Friday. I will wash uniforms on Satueday so they have clean for Monday and the whole process starts again.

Thy bring the wash basket down every morning before school.

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