Or a bit control freak-ish?

[BrideofGromit]

I need perspective on this as I am really aware that I can be prickly due to issues with my own family. I just wonder whether this kind of thing would bother other normal people.

My PILs are basically nice people. But they tend to treat DH and me like children. Some of the stuff they do I consider quite patronising and bit rude and I can't help feeling pissed off, even though behind it all they're just trying to be kind, I think. For example, when they come to visit, they never tell us what time they're going to arrive. The time before last I had to ask MIL about five times when they would actually be arriving before I got a straight answer. She acted as though I was asking something a bit odd by just trying to figure out when they'd be here. This time around DH had to ask them twice and they still didn't give a specific time, just a two-hour window which meant we couldn't bring DS out for a walk in case they arrived. Do other people expect visitors to give a fairly specific ETA (I mean maybe a half hour window) or am I being a bit uptight?

We bought our house not long ago and it needs a lot of work. Anytime PILs visit MIL always tells us what work she is going to do on the house (usually something in the garden) without actually asking if we want it done. Basically she is being helpful but often she takes on massive jobs without having time to finish them so we are left with a mess in the garden which means it's not safe for our toddler to run around. BTW she usually springs her projects on us when she arrives - she comes in with armfuls of gardening tools and then just gets up and starts on it later in the day without asking and without any notion of what we might want to do. Again, it's basically helpful but I know if they're visiting I might as well write the day off as I will be stuck in with DS trying to keep him away from whatever Nanna is doing in the garden. Not my idea of fun.

MIL always either turns up with a ton of food, or ends up buying a ton of food which we end up having to throw out. This is the one that annoys me the most actually. We are grown adults capable of feeding ourselves and for providing guests with lunch and dinner. And yet she turns up with acres of food that we don't want as if the cupboards are going to be bare. One time it was a massive bag of carrots which had to be chucked eventually, last time it was a massive bag of peppers, also chucked, this time it was a massive dish of macaroni cheese which will soon be chucked. It's bizarre and, IMO, rude, to turn up with food that your hosts don't necessarily want.

So hit me with it, AIBU? Would these things annoy you or am I just a bitch? DH listens to my whining about these things with amiable good grace but I do get the sense that he thinks I'm a whingy moaner. He's used to his mother trying to control everything.

Yes, I'm afraid I think YABU.

Accept the food graciously. It is a kind gesture. I'm shocked that anyone would suggest demonstratively binning it in front of the giver.

If you and your DH really don't want your MIL to work in the garden, then you must present a united front and not send mixed messages. If your DH gives his mother the go-ahead, she can't possibly know that her help is not wanted.

Re: the time of arrival. Go about your business, tell your in-laws that you may have to go out at some point if you don't know exactly when they are planning to arrive. If you need to pop out or want to take your son for a walk, just do so. Call them beforehand, of course, just to say that you will be out briefly and when you expect to return.

Babysitting is entirely the in-laws' call. The only thing you can do, IMO, is to say (once and only once) that if they would like to babysit sometime, you would be delighted. Then leave it up to them. It isn't fair to expect them to take care of your son, but equally they may not know that you would be happy for them to do so.

The T.V. viewing just sounds odd to me. You insist on watching your preferred programs when you have guests? If you choose to watch T.V. all together, surely a consensus should be reached regarding viewing choices. If anything, the guests' preferences should take precedence, IMO. Or turn the T.V. off completely.

I sympathize, since I have control freakish tendencies myself. But give your MIL the benefit of the doubt. She does sound as though she is trying to help.

Tbh most of this stuff wouldn't bother me too much, my MIL does of it. And I have just try to remember she means well. Ask her todo specific (small and finish able) things in the garden.

The food thing does irritate, especially as she insists her food is eaten and will just cook it and put in on the table with everything else if you don't. But I've asked her not todo it and she ignores me, I'm not going to ruin my blood pressure over her foibles. So I just try and rise above it and be the bigger person.. Tis hard though, as I'm a serious kitchen control freak.

Good luck!

I haven't read the whole thread but YABU.. Abit.

The time thing - i wouldn't worry about it. You ring them on mobile if you have to go out and tell them you are popping out. See them in an hour. If they don't have mobiles leave a note on your door or only one of you go out and leave the other one at home waiting.

The garden thing - tell her what you intend to do to it and she can help. Or give an interniary and say ok I'd really want to start on the hedge this weekend - great if you can help. Then we can go for a pub meal!!

Food - id just freeze them. Or not do such a big shop the few days before!! Then you will need the carrots!

I think your in laws want to get involved. Contrast that with mine. Who came for Easter. Empty handed (except for a couple of choc eggs). I cooked all weekend (Jamie Oliver type recipes) and I have a feeling they would have preferred some frozen meal for £2... .

The frustrating thing is that I like having guests and I really think I'm a good host. I enjoy having people around, cooking a big meal, serving drinks, chatting etc. And if the PILs could just be guests (or rather guests who do the odd bit of babysitting) then it would be great, we could have a fab relationship I think. The thing that puts me off having them round is that I know I have to build myself up to it, first to get the strength to ignore FIL's stupid comments, and second to put up with MIL invading and just doing her own thing as if what we want doesn't matter. Gah, it's such a stupid situation really.

"Accept the food graciously. It is a kind gesture. I'm shocked that anyone would suggest demonstratively binning it in front of the giver."

But it doesn't matter how rude you are to PIL. They are all incredibly insensitive and control freaky and unreasonable, and need to be trained in the strictest way possible. And all DPs should "grow a pair" and tell their parents that it is their DILs house so her rules. "End of"

They sound like a mix between my DPs (my mum loves to do stuff in our garden - which our gardener then un-does) and my PILs, who bring mountains of food every visit.

YANBU. I get where you're coming from and it infuriates me too, however ungrateful-seeming that makes us.

Agree, just want them to be grandparents, not our parents! And yes, the odd bit of babysitting is fab, but the catering and gardening is just not needed!

Just to be clear, I would never bin food in front of the PILs. I always accept the food graciously. I just hate waste and I hate having to sort out a load of food that isn't needed.

I know they're keen to help, so why don't they just ask what we need instead of just doing what they want? Although, even when they do ask they don't listen to the answer. FIL recently wanted to strip the paint from the architraves and skirting boards. I told him not to, as we're replacing them, but then found out from DH later that he was still planning to do it. I had to tell him a second time not to do it. He eventually painted the coving instead, which was a majorly useful job, and something I was very grateful for. If he had asked me in the first place I would have just told him he could do that. But instead he latched on to another unnecessary job and had to be told twice not to do it.

I'm finding all this moaning about them very therapeutic I must say :)

BTW, my FIL is desperate to sort out our garage for us. Personally I don't give a flying jeff about the state of our garage. If he would just look after the DCs for a couple of hours so I could do the ironing or catch up with the house admin, that would be way more useful to me!

MIL asked me yesterday what our plans are for Christmas! I mean FFS! They always have to know exactly what we're doing and plan everything down to the last second yet if we try to find out when they're coming to visit they won't say. They just work off their own agenda and don't seem to think that we actually have a life going on too.

Well it's mac and cheese for dinner for me tonight, even though I don't really want it. At least I don't have to cook the bloody thing.

The plan is, I'm going to talk to DH about it tonight and at the very least find out if he has any idea what his mother is planning on doing with our garden. Then I'm going to ask him to perhaps have a talk with her about babysitting in the not too distant future.

They sound just like my PILs. DontmindifIdo has given you excellent advice I think. Likewise, we've found that planning in advance what we want to do when they're here is the best way to handle it. So the job in the garden to prioritise (and our garden needed a lot of work too, they've been a massive help, and I've stopped being grumpy now that I've not got a newborn to handle while being expected to provide endless trays of tea!) and also a trip or whatever. Ours aren't close enough to babysit, so don't have that option but their trips here are now much more harmonious all round. Key thing is to set the expectation before they get here and then they're not stroppy about not being able to follow through on their plans.

Oh and on the food, MIL now tells everyone else what a good cook I am and has stopped bringing everything readymade (casseroles, puddings, joint for Sunday...) since she saw my list for a big family weekend with all the meals planned, numbers per meal and tick list of jobs completed ahead of time. Think it finally dawned on her that I was actually competent and not a kid who needed her to do it all for me.

The food thing wouldnt annoy me, I'd get myself a chest freezer and frezze all the portions of macaroni cheese or whatever other dish she has made. Also, you could go grocery shopping after she's visited, so if she brings peppers, no need to buy any on your next shop. Throw (and dont feel guilty about) anything which spoils OR if you know someone local who is struggling or elderly and can;t get out much, ask if they would like any of it.

The coming round and messing up your house though is not on. How dare she go out and mess up your garden and leave it in a state so your DS cant use it? Next time she comes, follow her like a shaddow and when she attempts to start a job say firmly "MIL, you haven't finished the last thing you started so please start another project".

BTW, your DH should be helping (as in taking the lead) on this as it is his mother.

bride
Do you think you and DH can spend a few hours together planning your garden?
That way you will be able to instruct the female Titchmarsh in your family, and all will be well.

The jobs thing would annoy me. But bringing food and letting you know what time they arrive wouldn't. In our family we tend not to give a specific time we are going to arrive unless it's for a particular event like a party. Today DH and I are visiting my parents and we just told them we would arrive sometime late afternoon.

In the grand scheme of things - YABU.

They prob dont realise you're waiting for them to arrive, and not able to take your child out for a walk. They're probably just so excited to come and see you that this is the last thing that enters their mind.

How lovely that they bring things, no matter what it is. They sound lovely and involved and you should be grateful for them.

Mine do the timekeeping thing. I never know if they are going to expect food, is the main problem. I don't mind cooking for them, but FIL in particular eats loads so I need to get extra in.

I pin them, now. "Will you want lunch?".

They do the food thing too - usually the out-of-date stuff from their fridge, if they are coming for a few days. They can't bear to throw anything out, so bring it with them. And then I throw it out once they've gone.

No jobs though - they're definitely sofa-warmers.

Sometimes they bring random extra family members, too. I have trained them to let me know about this in advance - because as before, it's fine - but if there are three extra for lunch FLIPPING TELL ME AND I'LL GET MORE FOOD IN.

The time thing is annoying though, it's not saying you want to be certain to the minute, but if they could say "we'll be setting off about 9am, be with you by 10 - 10:30am at the latest if the traffic is bad" is a lot different to "we'll be setting off after lunch."

What does she do in the garden that makes it too dangerous for the children to go outside?

Maybe we could do a swap? My ILs are very formal and if you are "hosting" then that is what you do. They would never think to bring anything or help out. This is ok ish but when they turned up the day after I got out of hospital with a premature non feeding baby and expected to be "hosted" it was bloody annoying. Who goes to stay with a family with a not thriving new baby and doesn't bring a lasagne?! On the first night there was a stand off with me saying "I AM NOT COOKING" DH insisting on a takeaway and FIL saying "but I don't like curry". I could have killed him the food preferences of a healthy 60 something were not top of my priority list at that time.

It sounds to me as if you and DH need to be clearer and more assertive with them, so that they will eventually come to see you as 'proper' adults.

I'm sorry, I haven't had time to read through the thread, but could you try being much more specific with them before they come, such as talking about what food you plan to eat and when, so then they will know what time you expect them there and that you have enough food. Perhaps you may be comfortable to suggest they could bring a side dish or dessert, if they're the type who must bring something. Also, you could talk about what area of the house you are currently working on, so then they could help with that, rather than starting some big, messy project they won't have time to finish.

They sound well-meaning, but I think you will be happier once you are more in control. Best wishes.

My parents live 30 mins away and although we always agree a time to aim for I always insist that they let me know they are on the way - so I get a 30 min warning and if out with ds I can get back in time

I understand where you are coming from - my ILs are completely lovely but they like to "play it by ear". They are used to doing this as both are long since retired but we've got so much going on, so many firm commitments, that I like to have a bit of structure and certainty. Fortunately DH deals with it and pins them down, I would feel very awkward about doing this so am glad he (eventually) understood my POV.

OP, I have no advice, will read through later, but wanted to say that your nickname is fantastic!

If I were in your position I would be horrified about the uninvited gardening. But then I am anal about my garden, no one knows & loves it like I do and I would brook no interference (I don't even tolerate my DH tinkering) You need to be firm and say that you would like to do the garden yourself, and would she like to play with your DS instead? Make it clear to your DH that he should not agree to her 'little jobs'. Does she not have a garden of her own? It seems strange that she would just come round and take over your garden without asking. In the meantime, make sure you do get round to some work in the garden, if she comes back next visit and the grass if 6ft high and nothing has been tended she will probably just jump in again!!