Or a bit control freak-ish?

[BrideofGromit]

I need perspective on this as I am really aware that I can be prickly due to issues with my own family. I just wonder whether this kind of thing would bother other normal people.

My PILs are basically nice people. But they tend to treat DH and me like children. Some of the stuff they do I consider quite patronising and bit rude and I can't help feeling pissed off, even though behind it all they're just trying to be kind, I think. For example, when they come to visit, they never tell us what time they're going to arrive. The time before last I had to ask MIL about five times when they would actually be arriving before I got a straight answer. She acted as though I was asking something a bit odd by just trying to figure out when they'd be here. This time around DH had to ask them twice and they still didn't give a specific time, just a two-hour window which meant we couldn't bring DS out for a walk in case they arrived. Do other people expect visitors to give a fairly specific ETA (I mean maybe a half hour window) or am I being a bit uptight?

We bought our house not long ago and it needs a lot of work. Anytime PILs visit MIL always tells us what work she is going to do on the house (usually something in the garden) without actually asking if we want it done. Basically she is being helpful but often she takes on massive jobs without having time to finish them so we are left with a mess in the garden which means it's not safe for our toddler to run around. BTW she usually springs her projects on us when she arrives - she comes in with armfuls of gardening tools and then just gets up and starts on it later in the day without asking and without any notion of what we might want to do. Again, it's basically helpful but I know if they're visiting I might as well write the day off as I will be stuck in with DS trying to keep him away from whatever Nanna is doing in the garden. Not my idea of fun.

MIL always either turns up with a ton of food, or ends up buying a ton of food which we end up having to throw out. This is the one that annoys me the most actually. We are grown adults capable of feeding ourselves and for providing guests with lunch and dinner. And yet she turns up with acres of food that we don't want as if the cupboards are going to be bare. One time it was a massive bag of carrots which had to be chucked eventually, last time it was a massive bag of peppers, also chucked, this time it was a massive dish of macaroni cheese which will soon be chucked. It's bizarre and, IMO, rude, to turn up with food that your hosts don't necessarily want.

So hit me with it, AIBU? Would these things annoy you or am I just a bitch? DH listens to my whining about these things with amiable good grace but I do get the sense that he thinks I'm a whingy moaner. He's used to his mother trying to control everything.

Have you actually asked your MIL not to bring any food with her?

Eeek - dare I say it, but you sound as though you give as good as you get in the control freakery stakes. Just sayin'.

I am loath to say anything directly to MIL. She is very sensitive, not in a dramatic way, but she can't handle confrontation at all. I think part of the reason she does so much is because she feels that if she doesn't provide food or help out with the house that we won't want her around. Yet she goes about it all wrong, by taking over and trying to control everything.

I do need to do something though.

No you do have a point pictish. I do have control freak tendencies, definitely.

Op, the food thing wouldn't bother me at all, most people like to turn up at guests with some sort of offering, is it the fact mil seems to then be dictating what you will all be eating? The eta seems fine, if I'm out when I know a guest might arrive I tell them to call me on the mobile when nearly there then I'll pop back. The gardening thing would annoy me immensely, have you ever indicated to mil you are happy for her to do it? I think you just need to assert yourself here, next time they schedule a visit make happy noises as you were hoping to pop out! And hasn't that worked out well as ds will be over the moon to see granny, he does so enjoy spending time with them, if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

My parents would be like this if I let them - I don't my DB does and suffers the consequences.

So, firstly the food, say "thank you, we're having X for lunch" Serve it with no comment that it's not her food, then when the come to leave, parcel up all of the food she brought that you won't use saying "oh goodness, we've already done a big shop, you might as well take this back as we'll end up throwing it." (do this with a big smile) if she tries to say keep it, repeat "oh no, there's no way we'll get through all of this, and I do hate throwing out food, don't you?" It might be helpful if you ask her to bring one thing, such as "when you come over, can you just bring pudding for us all? I'm going to do a big shop the day before so we won't need anything else, but I'll make sure I don't buy pudding if you're bringing it."

The timings, start being firmer, "will you be here before X? It's just that we need to pop out and I want to be sure we've got time to get back, and I'd rather not rush if you're not going to be here." (if they wont commit, they are rude, so you need to start being out if they turn up early)

For the garden etc, that would annoy the hell out of me and is something my parents do, again, you need to discuss with your DH in advance how to handle them, agree either a 'useful thing she could do' so your DH doesn't get caught on the hop and agree, so perhaps "Actually mum, we wanted to do Y but I can't do that with DS around, could you and dad take him to feed the ducks while BofG and I get on with it?" or "Actually mum, we wanted to tackle Z today, could you help with that?" (this works better if in advance you get DH to call them - during the 'time you will arrive' conversation and say we were thinking of getting Z done, can you bring certain tools with you we can borrow and can you take DS out so we can get on with it?")

Basically, you have to manage them, get them use to being provided with details of what needs to be done, eventually (this has taken 8 years with mine so not short term solution) they will start the conversation when they plan to visit with "what do you want us to bring and what can we do to help?" after a few years this gets to them accepting the answers are 'nothing' and 'nothing'. (They still walk into my DB's house and take over, but not mine anymore, they wait to be asked.)

Difference is, it's your house, you are allowed to be 'in control' :)

People who lack self confidence feel the need to 'be helpful/bring things/be busy' to justify their existence... try reassuring her that she doesn't need to bring or do things, that you just like having her visit and esp spend time with DS. Over time, it might help, if she feels valued for her existence rather than her assistance.

yabu, a bit.

The time keeping: just stick to your own plans, and TELL them your plans "we will probably be in the park this afternoon, but txt us when you are near!". Don't be a martyr.

About the garden help, that is really an issue between your DP and you, as you need to agree on this.

About the food: t is annoying, my ML does this. I prepare a meal, she comes in with steaks for everyone (that need to be eaten THAT DAY) so my food goes in the freezer...then she brings masses of seafood, again freezer, and sometimes odd things like half a ham she had left over from a big lunch party, and which I KNOW would have been sitting outside the fridge for 4 days (she is not a big believer in refrigeration) and which I try to avoid eating, then chuck when she leaves. I appreciate her generous spirit, even if in reality it is a pain.

So I think YOU are making issues out of things which need not be issues.

You can change this.

MIL has it in her head that she's going to transform our garden. It's a horrible mess at the moment and definitely does need work but I'm not bothered about it to be honest. She wants to sort out the grass, paint the fence, do something with the raised beds etc. She has it in her mind that she's going to do all this over the summer. Do I just tell her no, we don't want her to do it?

Regarding the timekeeping - my fil and his wife will say "we'll be with you around 4" but will actually roll up about 6. This is almost a certainty. They seem to feel no need to inform us that they are running late either, as obviously we have nothing better to do than await their arrival.
Conversely, they get very cross if anyone is late by so much as 15 minutes, if they are left waiting.
They are a pare of self satisfied tossers it must be said.

I certainly don't hang about for them any more. Poor timekeepers have to roll with the punches - it's the law. Go out and do your thing, and come back when they show up. That's what we do.

Bride, your DH should tell her, not you

pare?

I mean pair, obviously. Lol!

Ooh yes good point - why do we women always end up responsible for the in laws?
Mind you - the dh could argue that the OP is the one who's bothered by it, so...

I do feel quite sorry for DH - stuck between two control freak women! I have sort of talked to him about these things before but he is so laid back it just doesn't occur to him anything might be a problem.

yes, you tell her 'no thank you' - but as you know this, you need to discuss this with her in advance of her visits, so phone her and say "MIL, I've been thinking about the garden, we've decided not to paint the fence and I've been working out a plan of what I want to go where, but we've got other things more pressing in the house, so if you don't mind, I'd prefer you left the garden this summer then over next spring helping me clear it and replant, it seems such a waste you doing work now as I'll be ripping most of it out next year."

or just say "I really don't think the garden is a priority for us, if you want to help, we'd rather you did XYZ/took DS out so we can do XYZ - doing the garden, while lovely, isn't a help." - but do this before she's arrived on your doorstep having brought plants/equipment. You are allowed to say no, but it's best to stop people spending money.

Thank you for your input guys I really appreciate it. I have quite a dysfunctional family myself so I'm aware my reactions to be people can be coloured by that if that makes sense. I hate getting stressed out by their visits and I want to know how much is a normal reaction and how much is me being a bit fucked up.

Personally speaking, I would LOVE it if someone wanted to come and sort out my garden.
I'd let her get on with it. You said yourself it's a mess, and you're not bothered about it, so what harm can it do?
If you let her do her thing, you might just get a lovely strip of outdoors to enjoy. Plus, ff she's out there, she's not under your feet.

I love gardening btw - and love my own garden...but with three young kids, I find it hard to get on with anything without being disrupted.
It would be great if I could cross it off the list this year.

I'd tell her that you aren't that bothered by the state of the garden as you would rather have a safe space for DS to play in and you would rather he just enjoyed her company... but if she really wants to do something with the garden, that's fine (if it is) but it needs to be left clean and safe for DS.

Does she not have her own garden to play in?

Chandon - I'm sorry but I disagree with the 'her son should tell her, not you, the dil' thing. I believe that MIL and I are now family - obviously I'm not related by blood, but that doesn't stop me having an actual conversation with my MIL - she's a human being and so am I - if I want to know whether she's coming up for christmas, I ring her and ask her. If she moots an outing at an inconvenient time, I don't expect my husband to act as a go-between - I have a conversation with her and we come to an agreement. Anything else would seem like madness to me.

Disclaimer - I do realise that my MIL is a sane and normal woman, and not all DILs are as lucky as me.

She has her own garden but it's quite small and she works in it so much that she runs out of things to do I think.

I think I'll have a word with DH and see if he'll talk to her. What I would like is for her to visit us, rather than to come and do work. We don't really see them often enough for that. Some babysitting would be a huge help so I'll get DH to see if they would be up for that.

I think you are both nbu and bu. In regards to the food I think you are being a bit U, I hate turning up to visit someone empty handed and so will take something normally something I've baked but not always. Why do you have to throw away carrots, peppers and macaroni cheese? We'd just work them into our nex few days food or freeze bits.

I personally would sell loads on eBay and use the money to get my whole garden turfed / paved / gravelled / filled with decking / wood chippings etc ... so next time she came she got the surprise message I'm in charge of my garden

But then I'm a bit evil

I don't think it's right to say "well, you're not fussed about the garden so let her do it" because what it says, it says she's entitled to do this, that BrideofGromit and her DH aren't in charge of what happens in their own home. It's not like they have been asked to do the garden, of even bothered to check if BrideofGromit wants the garden done, by deciding they have a right to just take over another space because their 'child' owns it, it's not treating it as their son and DIL's space, it's treating it as their own.

Whlie I might offer to help out a friend with their garden, I wouldn't just turn up and presume I could decide they needed their garden doing and my way of doing it was how it should be. That would be insane for a friend, it's also not on for your adult DC's home - it's failing to see that they are adults and in charge of that space.

Honestly, it's one step off telling them their home is a mess and if they don't tidy it up, she's putting the lot in a bin bag and throwing it out.

OP - you should say somehting, because a) it's your space too, b) they might struggle to see your DH as no longer their 'little boy' but you have never been their little girl so it's easier to see you as an independent adult, c) it's harder to argue with you and d)your DH doesn't really think this is a problem, so he's not going to be the most effective. (I can imagine him saying "BrideofGromit doesn't want you doing the garden" followed by a "why not, we're only trying to help, tell her we're just helping" and him feeling in the middle - just redirect her yourself, before she's at your doorstep with a car full of stuff, it's too late then)

oh, and if your DH tells her he doesn't want her to work, just visit, she'll turn it around and say she wants to help, it's not a problem - or that she enjoys gardening - trust me, I've dealt with my parents over this for years. Call her prior to the next visit, give her a job to do that you've decided on, taking DS out so you can do other jobs is a good one, she can't say she just wants to help, you've told her what the helpful thing she could do is. (you have years before it can just be "we just want your company")