to ask my mum to remove Facebook comments?

[spg1983]

Ok, my SIL is currently in labour, my DB and SIL's mum are at hospital with her. She's been in labour for about 20 hours and is absolutely exhausted (understandably!).
She originally started in the midwife-led unit but was then transferred onto the normal labour ward when things started to slow down. Anyway, she'd got to 10cm dilated and we were all following her progress on her dad'd fb profile (it is only visible to about 10 people, all friends and family so quite private and means everyone gets the same news at the same time).

However, after about half an hour, SIL's dad posts that SIL is being prepped for a C-section. He's not said why but he did say SIL is exhausted and is also v upset and feeling really bad about having to have a section :(

Everyone else is rallying around and commenting on how well she's done and giving her lots of support, apart from my mum. She has fallen out with SIL in the past and although they get on on a day-to-day basis, they're not exactly best friends. Mum is fine, but she does sometimes say things without thinking and is not good at seeing others' points of view. Anyway, mum posted something along the lines of 'oh, well at least if she's threatened with a section, it'll probably spur her into pushing properly and she'll have a natural birth'

I really don't think she's trying to be mean; she's only ever had close friends/family who've given birth naturally and probably doesn't realise just how common it is and also that a section is not because she's not trying hard enough, it's because a natural birth will be too dangerous in this case. We don't know the exact reason why she's been prepped for a section but I'm guessing it's not lack of effort with pushing!

Anyway, I'm really stressing as I know SIL will see the conversations (mum has also posted along the same lines on her page so it's not just a badly-worded one-off). SIL is really upset and disappointed to have had a section and I just don't want her to see what mum's written. AIBU to ask her to get rid of them, or am I just getting too sensitive on SIL's behalf?

OP, get your brother to ask your absolute shit of a mother whether she'd prefer to remove her comments or just not bother coming to see the grandson she most definitely doesn't deserve?

Sorry you have a nasty piece of work like this for a mum. I'm guessing that when you give birth, unlike your SIL, she'll be the last one you'll want in the room.

YANBU to ask your Mum to remove her comments and YANBU to explain to her really slowly and clearly why they are unkind, smug and insensitive. Don't get upset by it though cos you didn't make the comments. If they remain undeleted make it clear to SIL (should she ever come across them) that every one else thinks she's been very brave and has produced a beautiful baby.
Then buy her some chocolate.

Wow, lots of very strong feelings here. Having not given birth myself, I wasn't aware that so many people would feel so strongly about it and I have to admit that although I'm not surprised that the majority of people have agreed, I am surprised at some of the words used to describe my mum...not entirely sure how I feel about that.

Iphoned, you may want to re-read and I'm also very sorry that I didn't stay on the same web page for hours on end so that I could check and agree/disagree with every comment/judgment made. Shame on me for having a life ;)

Anyway, am going to pre-warn DB but tbh I don't know if he'll bat an eyelid at it...we've had our fair share of "interesting" opinions offered to us over the years!

When you do give birth, you'll understand. Even if your birth is straightforward. It is the most personal and gut-wrenching thing.

Your mum has been there. Which is what makes her such a horrible bitch.

Don't be in any doubt that this will destroy any faith your SIL may have had in her good nature, even if she doesn't say so (your SIL sounds nice).

Nasty woman.

Okay I've just read the op again with fresh eyes (even though DS cried half the night). Still don't see what the fuss is about. Sil gave birth without a c section, she knows mil is horrible to her, both mother and baby are well. Still can't see how her comment warrants her being called those horrible names.

Must be one of those things I'll never understand.

iPhoned, perhaps you have more in common with the OP's mum than the OP.

Another point to make to your mum - I printed a copy of all the congratulatory messages we received in FB and put them in my newborn treasure box, the contents of which I'll show DD one day. Does she really want her snidey comments recorded for posterity? She is entitled privately to hold whatever opinion she damn well wants, but in public she will come across as a bit of a twat.

Otherwise, if they're not deleted, perhaps the comments will discourage her from keeping a copy, and that would be a shame.

How pathetic. Just because I disagree with the majority then I must be a bad person just like the op's mother. Very mature. .

iphoned it's one thing to think them. It's another entirely to write them on the internet (and big hairy bollocks to the idea that anything on Facebook is private or restricted, before anyone starts).

You are not OP's SIL's HCP. You have no idea why a c-section may have been necessary. Neither, I'm assuming, does OP's mother. Neither of you have the right to comment on whether it was a scare tactic or not. You 'don't condemn women who choose to have [c-sections]'? Gosh, how thoroughly magnanimous of you.

Personally speaking, my husband wouldn't be here had it not been for an EMCS. No amount of my poor MIL pushing 'properly' would have got him through her distorted pelvis which, on later inspection, was deemed completely unsuitable for birthing vaginally (SIL was an ELCS 4 years later). She first gave birth 30 years ago and still has serious MH issues stemming from horrible comments along the lines of her not doing things 'right' or if she had tried harder she could have birthed vaginally. It's so, so cruel and unfair and no woman should have to put up with that sort of shit.

OP, congratulations, best wishes to your SIL and YANBU! And thanks for reminding me that at such point as I go into labour (looks pointedly at bump) we'll phone our parents to let them know we've been admitted and then the phones are going off until after the birth.

Your Mum's comments have annoyed me on your SIL behalf, and on my own.

My first DD was born by CS. I was at 10cm and pushing for 3.5 hours, much of that with no pain relief except for a couple of paracetamol. About an hour in, they broke my waters and found heavy meconium in them, so didn't want to leave it very long. After 2.5 hours of full on pushing in various positions and only slight progress, they decided to try ventouse and if that failed, CS. It wasn't a crash emergency, so I had another hour before I got my spinal block, then failed ventouse and CS.

I still wish I had had a normal birth, but I was so tired at that point, I couldn't have gone on much longer. It was not for lack of effort, let me tell you, I so wanted to get that baby out.

My second DD was born by VBAC, she was bigger than the first and back to back, so I have no idea why DD1 didn't want to come out that way. Sometimes it just happens like that.

So get your Mum to delete her thoughtless, insensitive posts. I am crying just thinking about my CS and if anyone had told me at the time that I just needed to push properly, I would probably just have dissolved, and felt even more guilty than I did.

Why are people making reference to fb, tis irrelevant, it's just a method of communication. It's like blaming the phone when someone sends a nasty text . OP you already seem like a nice person who understands that your SIL has done brilliantly and your mother is WRONG. You maybe do not understand the depth of feeling on this if you haven't went through childbirth yourself, believe me you will if you ever find yourself the other side of an emergency c-section.

By the way I think if your SIL does see your mother's comments you should show her this thread. Apart from iphoned's equally offensive attitude, I think it will reassure her to know most people think her MIL is beyond out of order for her ridiculous attitude.

It's so sad that women are made to feel that they have to justify their CS. Comments like those of the OP's mum are the main reason.

Congrats to OP on becomming an aunt!

I think some things should be kept private and giving birth is one of them.
Your mum is out of order.
I had a very long painful first labour and it was nothing to do with lack of effort etc on my behalf. My dd was very big and my labour was full of complications. I once heard a teacher telling her class that if you looked after yourself and kept active during pregnancy then you would have an easy birth!!!!! What a crock of shit. I actually didn't drive then and had always gone to keep fit classes as well as walking a mile every morning to get to work! The night I was rushed into hospital I had just walked back from aquanatal swim class!

The OP said I really don't think she's trying to be mean.

So I don't think iphoned has said anything that out of order. I think what the mother has posted ranks as irritating, but not deserving of the bile and venom that's been thrown around on here.

I think people are projecting quite a lot on this thread.

"'oh, well at least if she's threatened with a section, it'll probably spur her into pushing properly and she'll have a natural birth' "

How on earth is this anything other than rude, unnecessary and cruel?

Maybe she isn´t trying to be mean, but I think that the comments come across that way.

Having had that pointed out she still wants to leave it as she is right.

That I think is mean tbh.

It could be thoughtless and ignorant rather than cruel.

Your mum sounds like a total nasty idiot tbh. I pity your poor sil having her as a mil and hope your brother tells her that her behaviour is totally out of order and so wrong. Maybe she need some harsh truths. I would also ensure your sil knows from you that you think your mum's behaviour is wrong.

Slowlyburningcalories - I'm so sorry to hear that - how is your dd now? I hope the hospital and the people in 'charge' of you were punished? X

You know what I think? I think if the op was so hurt by this comment then she should have confronted her mum about this ON FB in the comments box rather than come and write about it on here, thus letting complete strangers back chat her and call her nasty names that I wouldn't even call my enemies. I think the term "bitch" is thrown around all too often. It's funny how in the basis of ONE comment this woman has made, she is being classed as the devil incarnate! Calm down people.

I hope you can persuade your FIL to remove the messages. Frankly, it matters not a jot if your mum's feelings are hurt over it - who cares? She's being utterly insensitive to a new mum who has had what sounds like a fairly traumatic birth experience - last thing she needs to read is that her own MIL thought she wasn't trying hard enough!

My sis had an emCS - if she hadn't her baby could have died as she had the cord wrapped 3x round her neck. Shame she didn't try harder though, eh.

Slowlyburningcalories - so sorry to hear your story. :(

The mother actually made two rude comments, iphoned.

"I asked her to remove her comments but she won't as she doesn't see why she has to, in her eyes she was correct, wasn't she?! SIL's dad can remove from his page but mum's gone on a bit of a fb rampage and her well-meaning but totally insensitive comments are everywhere!"

Or possibly more than two. And the OP clearly did confront her mother about it.

Oh dear ! has your mother been reading too many daily mail 'too posh to push' articles ? Perhaps you could inform her that hospitals do not prep people for a c-section as a method of scaring them , they do it for clinical reasons based on risk to the mother and child . Recovery from a c-section is longer than a 'normal' vaginal birth with no intervention. Forceps are not a walk in the park though , and i know people whose recovery following forceps was longer than mine following a crash section , especially when you take into account corrective surgery they needed as a result of damage that occured during the delivery. I would be tempted to tell her all this and explain that her comments may be construed as insensitive at best and leave it to her to build any bridges . Or you could tell her she had no problems giving birth as she clearly has a fanny like a bucket

iphoned are you really suggesting that all the women and children who die in childbirth around the world every day , are doing so because of a lack of effort of the part of the mothers ? And that if someone waved some forceps in their faces or put a theatre mask on to 'scare' them they would all be tickety boo ? Even with your limited experience of birth , you cant be that daft surely ?

Oh please..don't put words in my mouth. Where have I written that people are dying in childbirth from lack of effort on part of the mother? Can you please show me where I have written that, word for word?