to ask my mum to remove Facebook comments?

[spg1983]

Ok, my SIL is currently in labour, my DB and SIL's mum are at hospital with her. She's been in labour for about 20 hours and is absolutely exhausted (understandably!).
She originally started in the midwife-led unit but was then transferred onto the normal labour ward when things started to slow down. Anyway, she'd got to 10cm dilated and we were all following her progress on her dad'd fb profile (it is only visible to about 10 people, all friends and family so quite private and means everyone gets the same news at the same time).

However, after about half an hour, SIL's dad posts that SIL is being prepped for a C-section. He's not said why but he did say SIL is exhausted and is also v upset and feeling really bad about having to have a section :(

Everyone else is rallying around and commenting on how well she's done and giving her lots of support, apart from my mum. She has fallen out with SIL in the past and although they get on on a day-to-day basis, they're not exactly best friends. Mum is fine, but she does sometimes say things without thinking and is not good at seeing others' points of view. Anyway, mum posted something along the lines of 'oh, well at least if she's threatened with a section, it'll probably spur her into pushing properly and she'll have a natural birth'

I really don't think she's trying to be mean; she's only ever had close friends/family who've given birth naturally and probably doesn't realise just how common it is and also that a section is not because she's not trying hard enough, it's because a natural birth will be too dangerous in this case. We don't know the exact reason why she's been prepped for a section but I'm guessing it's not lack of effort with pushing!

Anyway, I'm really stressing as I know SIL will see the conversations (mum has also posted along the same lines on her page so it's not just a badly-worded one-off). SIL is really upset and disappointed to have had a section and I just don't want her to see what mum's written. AIBU to ask her to get rid of them, or am I just getting too sensitive on SIL's behalf?

I had three 'natural' births and I'd be furious with your mum for those comments.

Sorry but I don't think your mum is being rude at all. C sections are major surgery and although I don't condemn mothers who choose to have it, it Should really be used as a last resort because recovery from it takes much longer and is more painful in the long run.

In some regards your mum is right, midwives do tend to use scare tactics to spur you on if you really don't want something. It happened to me with my two births and the thought of forceps or c section just made me go for
it.

I absolutely detest people who remove comments
from Facebook. It's happened to me and you feel vindicated and stupid. It's akin to someone you love snubbing you and turning their back away in hate when you're talking. How childish. I'm sure your sil is old enough to fight her own battles and know when a comment is meant as snide or genuine.

Bravo to your mum for not removing comment.

Your mum's behaviour here sounds a bit nuts :( Your poor SIL, but congrats to her and hope she is feeling better and can just ignore your mum if she seems to have a weird chip on her should about natural birth v C section

Your mum is a spiteful selfish witch.

Show her this thread.

And iPhoned are you pissed or just fucking stupid?

iphoned this woman had to have a forceps delivery, so it's not as though she suddenly "pulled herself together" and tried harder. She needed intervention, the c-section was a last resort if the forceps did not work but it wasn't like she just hadn't been bothering to push before that.

I had a forceps delivery because I had been trying as hard as I could but was physically unable to do any more after 18 hours with a baby who was just stuck. Even the doctor commented that I never would have given birth without intervention.

The mother/Mil was talking complete rubbish and I hope that if she hasn't had the sense or decency to delete her own comments than the person whose page they are on does it for her.

And why would you feel vindicated if your comments were removed?

iphoned How the bollocks is a comment about someone who is exhausted from labour not "pushing properly" anything other than rude?!

I don't know if its because I'm really tired or something else but I really cant understand why this woman is being called horrible names!! And her daughter is just sitting there watching people call her a bitch an evil and talk of not letting her meet her dgc!!! Whatever! And shes not going to get PND from reading that comment! Do you even know what causes PND?

Sorry for losing my rag with you iPhoned. I just think that your comments were insensitive and I really do feel that the OP's mother is being very unkind and not setting herself up to have a good relationship with her dil.

It's okay bumble - I think it's just an over reaction by everyone. Shame in spg for not pulling up on the rude people who have used vile terms for her mother. Really sad.

I'm going to throw in something here which you might want to consider.

I was denied a a section by the doctor who examined me, I was heavily overdue, I had had no baby movement in over twelve hours and a two hour trace showed that the baby was not moving at all. The doctor said no. Induced me. My waters were thick like pea soup. Baby was in very severe distress. The midwife didn't leave the monitor readings at all during labour. Four hours later she was born by horrendous ventouse delivery.

Six hours old she stopped breathing in my arms. The delay in delivery and the rough delivery had left her with permeant and irreparable brain damage. She spent two weeks in NICU and we were told to prepare for the worst, then told she wouldn't walk or talk.

Sometimes waiting too long can be bad bad news. I am so pleased to hear your nephew is here safe, re your mum I didn't think that babies got hurt during labour, birth was inherently safe, and what was all the fuss about mum and baby safe and doing well?

I would do anything at all to turn back the clock. To be able to send the message that mum and baby tired but doing well rather than baby in intensive care, not expected to survive

slowlyburningcalories - what a terrible story. You poor poor things.

brilliant that scare tactics worked for you iphoned, it sounds like you were just being a bit rubbish at having a baby then, and you did need to just pull yourself together as the OPs Mum suggested. As, if a baby is stuck, properly stuck then just frightening someone will not make that baby magically unstuck. As I said upthread, I had a wonderfully easy birth with a back to back baby. I didn't do anything different the 2nd time round... but my back to back, 10lb, face presentation baby could physically not fit through the birth canal. Just giving me a talking to would not have changed any of those facts.

*Obviously I don't really think you were crap at giving birth, but I am not sure you could be anymore bullish and insensitive, just because it worked for you it doesn't mean that will be the case for everyone

Slowlyburning calories

iPhoned, I had a similar labour to the SIL. The baby was well and truly stuck (she'd never changed from her poor position once during the pregnancy) and I was prepped for a c section but the rotational forceps worked.

Someone saying that I wasn't pushing properly would be implying I was a failing at something I never had a chance of succeeding at. I was absolutely pushing properly. To then rub it in further by saying 'told you so' would have made me so angry and detracted from the fact that I had just given birth to a beautiful baby. Anyone who ruined that moment would not have been welcome any time soon. Even if she had been right, that's not an appropriate thing to say at all.

I don't think people's terms here are vile at all, they're quite moderate.

Cross posted with lots of people. I'm so sorry Slowlyburningcalories :(

You better tell your Mum that she will have to face the consequences of not seeing her grandson with that attitude.

slowlyburningcalories I'm so so sorry to hear that :(

I also had a similar labour, DS had turned his head and got stuck, CS was a possibility but he ended up born by ventouse. Trying to push DS out normally was the most distressing experience of my life, comments about not pushing properly would have made me instantly hate the person making them. I probably wouldn't have wanted anything to do with them afterwards, and they definitely wouldn't have got to meet DS!

Who the heck would give/want a blow by blow account of a birth and labour on Facebook??!!

In fact had the doctors not pushed me into the wonderful wonderful experience of natural labour (bearing in mind I was booked for a home water birth) my child might just have avoided brain damage.

Though they told me I had one more push with ventouse or they were getting the forceps. Quite apart from the fact forceps could actually have killed her, I think it was a scare tactic as I wasn't prepped for that level of intervention.

Fucking doctor. ty for comments. I share because if it even informs one mum in the future that baby not moving for 18hours + induction = bad then maybe someone will challenge bad decisions by health staff.

Oh dear - didn't realise I hadn't tried hard enough when giving birth.

Congrats on your new nephew op

I did not want a C section at all, I refused an epidural up until I was told I needed one, if I could have got my son out naturally I bloody well would have but by that point I had no choice as he was in a lot of distress and by the time he was delivered he wasn't breathing. Hearing someone elses smug and misinformed opinion that they should just try harder is a complete kick in the teeth, it is an unnecessary and insensitive thing to say to someone who has just had a horrible experience and is already feeling awful. Some things just don't need to be said, especially on fb!

slowburningcalories, so sorry to read your story