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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my son should not have to laugh this off

103 replies

conkercon · 04/05/2012 16:27

DS is just a week off of 16. He is openly gay and came out just over a year ago. He had to because he was getting bullied at school about being gay so he figured that if he came right out and said he was then what could the bullies say to that.

I have found in my experience that some teenage boys are the worst homophobes there are. My DS has had to put up with a lot of name calling, he can't use the toilet facilities at school without fear of water being thrown over him and other horrible things. But he has held his head up high and got on with his school life and is about to start his exams.

Today in a lesson the kids had to write down three things they would like to put in room 101. One boy asked if he could read his out. His were the KKK (fantastic), child abuse (wonderful) and gays! He had the cheek to turn to my DS and say "no offence DS". The conversation went on and this boy's reasoning was that gay people can't have children so what is the point of them. Obviously an idiot, but what has infuritated me is the teacher did absolutely nothing about it. He apparently was laughing although I actually think he maybe just did not know what he was supposed to do. I have met him at parents evenings and he seems okay. Never had to discuss anything like this though.

Some of the other kids started laughing and patting this kid on the back and my son just felt humiliated although he did not and would never let them see that.

If another child had said this and the word gays was replaced with Black, Asian, Disabled, Jewish, Muslim or anything like this he would probably have been excluded. But he is expected to laugh it off.

Would I be unreasonable to speak to the school about this?

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/05/2012 17:44

Just to clarify further from the same CPS website
"Hate crime can take many forms including:
physical attacks such as physical assault, damage to property, offensive graffiti and arson

threat of attack including offensive letters, abusive or obscene telephone calls, groups hanging around to intimidate, and unfounded, malicious complaints

verbal abuse, insults or harassment - taunting, offensive leaflets and posters, abusive gestures, dumping of rubbish outside homes or through letterboxes, and bullying at school or in the workplace ."

Arguably what happened to the OP's son could be seen as verbal abuse and/or bullying i.e. someone saying, "if I has a choice, you wouldn't exist anymore"

Softlysoftly · 04/05/2012 17:57

To a pp who said it's freedom to express opinions, possibly but at the direct expense of a member of your class? And most importantly for the teacher to not challenge that opinion.

The teacher could very easily have turned this by pointing out the KKK is bigoted, it's hate purely on colour, does the same not apply of hate based on sexuality, doesn't that make the lad the same as any KKK member? He could have done a lot to turn this but chose to do nothing wrong wrong wrong.

ToryLovell · 04/05/2012 18:01

What lovely sons you have raised OP.

I too would be having stern words with the school

Original poster

conkercon · 04/05/2012 18:20

Thank you for all your interesting comments. Things have been raised that I had not even thought of.

Yes I thought it was a hate crime as well. Thanks for clarifying.

It might be someone's opinion, but it is a bigoted one and as such should be strongly challanged.

I am proud of both of them but there is one thing I often wonder about. God saw fit to bless me with my gay son but never saw fit to bless my son to be a "proper" gay. HIS ROOM IS A FLIPPING TIP. No sterotype there. (Joking by the way).

Softly that is a very good point about the KKK.

I have now spoken to the school and my ds actually explained it to the deputy head. Also told her he doesn't want to get the teacher into trouble but wants to stop it happening to anyone else. He drives me nuts sometimes (he's a teenager of course he does :) ), but he is a good kid really.

OP posts:

JustFab · 04/05/2012 18:26

Your poor son most defintely should not have to laugh this off and while he is clearly a caring boy he shouldn't always have to feel he is being the bigger person. He is allowed to be hurt.

I hope that as well as a proper lecture from the head this individual occurance is dealt with and the boy who started it off is put right.

Mishy1234 · 04/05/2012 18:34

YANBU. The teacher should have managed the situation and clearly didn't have the balls to do so.

I would definitely be reporting this incident.

ThisIsANickname · 04/05/2012 18:35

It might be someone's opinion, but it is a bigoted one and as such should be strongly challanged.

Absolutely, with vigour. I was only pondering whether or not that needs to be in the form of discipline or stifling of speech. Where does a stupid opinion end and a hate crime begin?

sugarice · 04/05/2012 18:38

Conker your Son sounds fab and very mature, I hope he doesn't have to put up with anymore shite at school.

MummytoKatie · 04/05/2012 18:48

Even excluding the impact on your son the teacher who let it go by has done a huge disservice to the boy who said it.

In less than 3 months he could be working in a job. A comment along those lines at the company I work at would lead to somewhere between a disciplinary and dismissal. Dismissal for something like that in the current environment could make the boy unemployable.

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 04/05/2012 18:53

A good teacher should have been aware of the possibility of this happening and should have been prepared. I would ask to speak to senior management about the event as a formal complaint.

And I would be raging if it were my child.

SaraBellumHertz · 04/05/2012 18:56

chaz , pendeen is right. Being homophobic alone is not a hate crime.

Committing a crime with a homophobic element, makes it a hate crime but it is difficult to see what the original offence would be in this case.

SaraBellumHertz · 04/05/2012 18:57

You would have to make out a public order offence and then separately prove the homophobic element. It seems unlikely in this case.

landofsoapandglory · 04/05/2012 18:58

The teacher should have challenged it at the time. When they set the task they had a damn good idea someone would say it. Sometimes teachers can be so bloody stupid!

I am another who would be raging if it were my child!

Wolfiefan · 04/05/2012 19:02

He sounds like a son to be proud of. Shocking that a teacher should allow such prejudice to go unchallenged.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 04/05/2012 19:04

conker - Please let us know what the school do, it will be interesting to see if/how they address it.

I feel sorry for your DS that he's had such a hard time, before & after 'coming out'. He sounds like a lovely lad and very self assured.

I don't know where 'stupid opinion' changes into 'hate crime'... I suppose it's a fine line. I do tend to think people are entitled to their opinion, even if it is a fucking stupid one... so I guess I am saying that I feel the boy should be allowed to say that, in a Room 101 discussion, but that his opinion should have been discussed/challenged.

Mardy - gay people cannot have children, but they can certainly raise them :)

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/05/2012 19:07

SaraBellumHertz I appreciate that what you think is not a crime. But the boy didn't just think it, he voiced in public in a way that may well have been intended to bully, insult or humiliate the OP's son.

Clearly no-one is suggesting that this incident be pursued as a crime. All I wanted to point out is that it is not a bit of fun, one of those things etc. but instead on par with things like racism.

CupsofTeaAndHandfulsOfCake · 04/05/2012 19:11

The kid that wrote that is fucking vile, the kids that laughed are fucking stupid and the teacher is a complete twat. Sorry for all the swearing but I am very angry and upset for you :(

Good for your son for being so young and already being strong enough to be the real person he is and well done to you for supporting him. You must be a good parent.

parno · 04/05/2012 20:01

You should definitely complain about this. The school will have some sort of equality statement and I agree that if this obnoxious little fucker had discussed other groups in this way he would have been hung out to dry and the prick of a teacher needs a good smack. Behaviour like this makes me so angry.

Original poster

conkercon · 04/05/2012 20:54

Thank you all. Some of the things you have said about my son have made me feel quite emotional and realise that while sometimes we fight like cat and dog he is a good kid.

I spoke to a member of the Senior Leadership Team, one of the Deputy Heads who I have spoken to in the past and is very good. She mainly spoke to DS who explained everything. We now have to wait until Tuesday before she can get a statement from the teacher and the boy involved and I guess take it from there.

I am going to write a strongly worded letter to back this up as the more I think about it and the comments on here I feel I must tackle it very seriously.

What if there was a kid in that class who was unsure about their sexuality and has witnessed what happened.

There are so many ways it could have been handled well and I actually can see now that the teacher should have been prepared if he was teaching a lesson such as this.

My younger ds has two more years in this school and I want them to tackle this.

I am glad I posted as I feel much better in that I am not being some over protective mum and that yes it should be taken seriously and not laughed off.

Thanks again to you all.

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 04/05/2012 21:15

Just for information the school should record this on the other boys record. The have a legal duty to report homophobic incidents to the LA.

QueenofPlaids · 04/05/2012 23:37

There are so many better ways the teacher could have dealt with it that actually wouldn't have needed flying off the handle at the other boy.

For example he could've challenged the preconception they couldn't have children, presented info on what gay people have contributed to society (there are loads of obvious examples) & used this to gently (hopefully) steer the boy away from his homophobic position. How sad that he or she didn't do this.

YANBU your son shouldn't have to laugh this off but tbh I find the teacher's approach more worrying than the other boyd's comments.

monstermissy · 04/05/2012 23:55

My 15 year old ds is also gay and out and proud, he hasnt had to deal with much bullying at all. Some schools are excellent at nipping it in the bud at the first sign. If it were my son I would Def make a fuss. Great opportunity to tackle a issue missed by the teacher. Your son sounds like mine, confident with who they are and mature light years ahead of their peers.

monstermissy · 04/05/2012 23:59

Sorry 'making a fuss' sounds like you would create with no grounds. Of course I don't mean that.

Plomino · 05/05/2012 00:12

I deal with allegations of discrimination daily that are reported to police, and on balance , it probably wouldn't be recorded as a hate crime . The operative word being crime .

That said, it WOULD be reportable as a homophobic incident , which get treated equally seriously . And anyone can state that an incident is homophobic , same as for racist , religious, or indeed disability discrimination. If someone , and it doesn't have to be the victim, thinks it is, then it is. And can be reported as such .

Your DS shouldn't have to be subjected to this , and I think the teacher should have been able to challenge this at the very least . And as for over acting , I actually think you've been commendably restrained so far . Which isn't a backhanded comment on lack of reaction either !

DS is lucky to have you .

Pendeen · 05/05/2012 01:01

ChazsBrilliantAttitude

"... I am really puzzled by your post as it blatently inaccurate. Did you mean to post something else? ..."

Read again, carefully.

Then your puzzlement will be answered.

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