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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re labour and mil?

85 replies

mythical · 03/05/2012 15:42

I was talking to dh yesterday about what will happen when I go into labour.
Plan is (or at least I thought It was!) - mil will drive us to the hospital when needs be and then come back as soon as I give birth to meet her granddaughter, have cuddles and so on!
Dh was under the impression she will stay with us during the whole thing.
Now I really do get along well with my mil (we live together) but I find the whole thing quite private and I don't think I would be comfortable with her there.
Dh is saying he doesn't know how to approach the subject and "tell her" she can't stay.
I don't want to be mean but I wouldn't want my mum there either if she would be able to come! ( she lives in another country)
He needs to talk to her as soon as possible really but he keeps saying he doesn't know how to bring it up..
I definitely don't know how to bring it up!

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 03/05/2012 15:45

Why don't you talk to her and simply say 'MIL, you know I think the world of you, but I really can't face having anyone other than DH around while I'm giving birth. Of course, you'll be the first person we phone, and the first one to get a cuddle after us, but could you please just drop us off at the hospital and then wait at home for news.'

If she starts to raise objections, just remind her that your hormones have to be obeyed!!

Can't see why your DH has to talk to her - presumably you get on well with her, and spend a fair bit of time together? Smile

LaurieFairyCake · 03/05/2012 15:46

You don't need to - she isn't your birth partner so just don't have her in the delivery room.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 03/05/2012 15:47

Can she not stay around, but make it clear you don't want her in the actual delivery room?

scarletforya · 03/05/2012 15:47

YANBU

The mind boggles as to how he got it into his head she would be staying for the whole thing! Confused Anyway it was his mistake so it's up to him to sort it out.

CruCru · 03/05/2012 15:47

Does she actually expect to be in the labour room when you are in labour / giving birth? If not, then you could realistically say that there's not going to be a whole lot of point in hanging around for hours days. If she does want to be in the room, perhaps you could say that that you'd be uncomfortable having her there as all the other grandparents would then be excluded. It would totally wind my Mum up if I had my MIL (who I really like but still) but not her there.

SydSaid · 03/05/2012 15:47

OMG! I wouldn't have had my own mother there, never mind someone else's.

YANBU, and your DH has to make things clear - it is his mother, not yours.

You should try and go into labour while either you or your mil is out and about, so that you can find another way to get to the hospital.

Either that or maybe just drop big hints - 'once you've dropped us off at the hospital you should go home and get some sleep - it might be the last chance you get!' or something..

Moominsarescary · 03/05/2012 15:49

Just tell her, if you get on well and she's a good mil she will understand. She could wait at the hospital somewhere but it could be quite a while.

NeedlesCuties · 03/05/2012 15:50

My advice is to have a task at home that you 'need' her to sort out - such as getting the room ready for your arrival home, or sorting out final prep for the new baby. That way she'll be too busy to be at hospital, and also she will feel she is part of organising something.

Also, the hospital I gave birth in stipulated in writing that there was a 1-birth partner policy, so you could tell her your hospital also has this.

Your OP didn't say whether or not MIL actually wants to be there when you give birth... is this just something your DH thinks is a good idea??

I wish you luck, as if he can't tell her this now I can only imagine how he will be pussy-footing around when the baby is actually born.

BrianButterfield · 03/05/2012 15:51

If she's not in the delivery room, there's no point in her being there anyway, as there's usually nowhere really to wait.

diddl · 03/05/2012 15:52

Could you tell her?

If you get on as well as you say, it shouldn´t be a problem.

Also-your husband may be "under the impression"-but does she want to be there or she thinks you want her?

Surely a MIL couldn´t be offended that her DIL doesn´t want her to watch her giving birth?

Again-the problem is your husband-why on earth would he think that you would want her there?

And does he mean in the room as opposed to just waiting at the hospital?

Moominsarescary · 03/05/2012 15:52

Our hospital have a waiting room with kettle toaster and a tv

Pandemoniaa · 03/05/2012 15:53

I'm a tiny bit baffled about why any grandparent would expect to be present at the birth - given that your DH is your birth parent. I say this as a grandmother and MIL myself too.

I did, admittedly, at the request of ds2 and ddil, spend some of the day that she was being induced with them at hospital (it was a long and mainly unexciting process and they welcomed the company) but neither ddil's dm nor myself felt our presence was required, or appropriate at the actual birth. I still feel enormously privileged to meet dgd half an hour after she was born by emcs but I had no entitlement to be there while she arrived.

I think your dh has to say, politely, that you'd rather give birth with just the two of you present because it's a private process and one that you don't want to feel restrained during because of someone else being there. However, her help is very much welcomed so far as driving you there and you look forwards to her meeting her dgd very shortly after you've given birth.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 03/05/2012 15:53

If you feel uncomfortable and inhibited it could seriously effect the outcome of your labour - so it's really important for the sake of you and your baby that you are happy with who's in the room.

I think you could tell her - don't act like it's a big deal, because it isn't - she really shouldn't expect to be there for the birth. It's a very private moment.

thebody · 03/05/2012 15:53

Yanbu at all. It's your body and your say. Get dh to talk to your mil though I think she just wants to help, tbh when I give birth I can't give a stuff whose there and sometimes a strong female relative is of more help than dh who us wonderful but hasn't actually given birth.

Don't worry about this anyway, all will pan out and often very differently( and better) than u plan

Pandemoniaa · 03/05/2012 15:53

That should read your DH is your birth partner.

Original poster
mythical · 03/05/2012 15:58

She can stay around if she wants to. i don't mind that at all, although seems a bit pointless as we all know it can (and probably will) take hours.
It's just in the .. Thick of things I would rather it was just me and dh (and medical staff obviously)
She is lovely, really, I just don't know how to bring it up. I'm probably getting myself worked up for nothing and I know she would understand, it's just dh making me feel a bit guilty for not wanting her there. He's not doing it on purpose but it's irritating.
I asked him to talk to her when they come back from work today (she's picking him up on the way) and that's when he said he doesn't know how to bring it up..

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/05/2012 16:04

I would just say to her "you dont need to wait around while I am in the labour room, it could be hours, but DH will ring you as soon as baby is born so that you can come straight up".

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 03/05/2012 16:13

Tell her your mother found out and was deeply hurt and upset at the thought that she can't be there for you in your hour of need. Lay it on with a trowel, your mother was hysterical, hysterical I say and say that you know she won't mind waiting somewhere else for news, just so you can truthfully appease your mum. Or write her a note. Or stew and stew for days, worry yourself sick, throw up on her slippers and blurt the whole thing out in between big snotty bawls... Grin or show her this thread...

TeaOneSugar · 03/05/2012 16:14

My MIL wanted to hang around the hospital waiting, I just said that she could be sitting around for days, she wouldn't be allowed to wait in the delivery suite so would be in the cafe or foyer, and it seemed a bit pointless and uncomfortable.

I didn't really get into a discussion about it, more a statement of fact.

DH called her once DD was born and I was ready.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 03/05/2012 16:16

I would talk to her yourself in the first instance, maybe she doesn't want to be their either... (I wouldn't!) At any rate if you get on well I'm sure she'll understand.

Original poster
mythical · 03/05/2012 16:20

:o
I'm due today so I hope I don't have time to stew on it for too long!
The idea with my mum would work if only my mum wasn't the most boringly placid non-confrontational person you could possibly meet. She just blurts out random bits of eastern European pregnant woman superstitions at me and leaves me to it..
I could try though...

OP posts:
diddl · 03/05/2012 16:23

What will you do if she´s at work btw?

Hope it all happens soon for you-let us know!

Merrin · 03/05/2012 16:23

Just tell her your husband got it wrong.

NoobytheWaspSlayer · 03/05/2012 16:25

'Dear DH,

Would you like to have a shit in front of my mother? No? Well I wouldn't like to give birth in front of yours, lovely though she is. Tell her or I will.

Love DW'

Original poster
mythical · 03/05/2012 16:27

She's already arranged to come home and get us at short notice if anything happens ( which we really do appreciate as neither me or my husband drive yet)

OP posts:
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