Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re labour and mil?

85 replies

mythical · 03/05/2012 15:42

I was talking to dh yesterday about what will happen when I go into labour.
Plan is (or at least I thought It was!) - mil will drive us to the hospital when needs be and then come back as soon as I give birth to meet her granddaughter, have cuddles and so on!
Dh was under the impression she will stay with us during the whole thing.
Now I really do get along well with my mil (we live together) but I find the whole thing quite private and I don't think I would be comfortable with her there.
Dh is saying he doesn't know how to approach the subject and "tell her" she can't stay.
I don't want to be mean but I wouldn't want my mum there either if she would be able to come! ( she lives in another country)
He needs to talk to her as soon as possible really but he keeps saying he doesn't know how to bring it up..
I definitely don't know how to bring it up!

OP posts:
NarkedPuffin · 03/05/2012 17:34

You're right FruitSalad, which is why IMO the mother always gets to choose who's in the room. If the mother is stressed/uncomfortable it is a risk to the health of her and the baby.

Original poster
mythical · 03/05/2012 17:35

Note to self - never watch OBEM with dh again - maybe that's why he thought i would be olay with Mil there!
He's talking to her this evening. I think once the subject has been approached I will be able to tell her how I feel about it.
It's nothing personal towards MIL, really. I wouldn't want my mum/sister/nan there either.

OP posts:
FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 03/05/2012 17:37

Nope, was during pushing stage. It was horrible, the midwives were panicking because she needed to come out and the contractions were gone.

She was born naturally, but only just and was quite distressed. So having MIL or anyone else other than dh could spell disaster for me. I am having a home birth this time.

Everyone is different.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 03/05/2012 17:38

Anyway, sorry for derailing thread op. Hope you manage to sort it asap.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 03/05/2012 17:38

It's your DH's muddle to sort out. But it doesn't sound as if he's willing to, so how about you get them both in the room together and say something along the lines of 'MIL, I don't think DH was completely clear, but I decided long ago that I could only have him and the medical staff in with me while giving birth.'

Pad it out with 'We do appreciate you driving us', 'We absolutely want you to be the first there for a cuddle' etc.

But remember it's your choice. And the posts about adrenaline and health risks are very interesting and noteworthy IMO.

And good luck!

tabulahrasa · 03/05/2012 17:38

I'd just bring it up, straight away...DH said today that he thought you were staying in the labour suite for the birth, I just wanted to check you didn't think that as well, I mean you're lovely and all, but I'd rather keep it as just DH as the family member that's seen my fanjo, lol.

Well ok I'd not say lol exactly, but I'd do it in a lighthearted jokey, of course you don't think you're seeing me like that, way. Then just say about getting in touch straight away for her to see the baby.

Original poster
mythical · 03/05/2012 17:40

She's in her late 40's (someone asked) I'm 22.

OP posts:
JosieZ · 03/05/2012 17:42

Unless MIL's births were a cakewalk I'd expect her to be totally sympathetic to any of your wishes.

Birth is a big deal, anything making it more worryful is not on.

Just tell her straight you want just DH and you.

If my DDs say they do /don't want me there I will comply happily.

FrothyOM · 03/05/2012 17:43

I'm sure she will understand that you don't want to display your genitalia to the extended family.

JosieZ · 03/05/2012 17:44

..... as for DD-i-Ls, I expect to stay out of the way until told I can visit, however long that takes.

CherryBlossom27 · 03/05/2012 17:46

I also wanted to add that unless the mum to be invites me to be at the birth, I wouldn't expect to be at the birth.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/05/2012 17:52

Tell DH that you are fine with MIL being there as long as your DM is allowed to watch him have a prostate exam. Actually, one prostate exam every few minutes for several hours.

thegreylady · 03/05/2012 17:57

When DD went into labour they told me and I waited in waiting room till ds-i-l came to get me. I would have syayed at home but was delighted to be asked to hospital. I wouldn't have wanted to be in the room I feel the birth should be private for the couple.

Badgerina · 03/05/2012 17:58

MrsTerryPratchett hahahahahahaha! That is BRILLIANT Grin

RevoltingPeasant · 03/05/2012 18:03

OP just tell her like girlpancake said upthread.

No need for any drama - just,

'MIL, DH and I have been talking about what happens during the birth. I think the hospital might only allow DH to come in, and even if they don't, I feel a bit uncomfortable being naked in front of you. I am really thankful you are driving us to the hospital, but would you mind dropping us there rather than coming in? We will ring you right away after the birth - but you know, it might be hours and hours!'

I am sure she will understand Smile

YouOldSlag · 03/05/2012 19:19

My Mum asked if she could be there for the birth of DS1. I said "Me and DH discussed it and decided we want it to be just us. If we said yes to you then MIL will want to be there too so it wouldn't be fair".

She was fine.

Everlong, I'm sure it was wonderful for you to see your DGD born but it's not about anyone but the one giving birth. You can bond without being there when the head comes out.

Oh and my contractions stopped completely after a 25 hour labour and didn't start again at all so contractions CAN stop when they have started. (I had an EMCS)

Original poster
mythical · 03/05/2012 20:02

All is well, dh was just being a bit silly, apparently she never said she wants to be in the room whilst i give birth! (that is NOT what he said to me!)
She said she is happy she will be one of the first people to see her and just let her know when we're ready :)
All sorted, you may come out now, baby! :o

OP posts:
TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 03/05/2012 20:08

Ooh, I do like a happy AIBU ending!

DueinSeptember · 03/05/2012 21:36

God, I wouldn't want anyone else apart from DH to see my fanny in all it's glory!

NarkedPuffin · 03/05/2012 21:52

Excellent. It sounds like you've got a good MIL there.

mathanxiety · 03/05/2012 22:05

Aha, I was going to post that it was actually your DH who wanted his hand held by his mum. Glad the MIL has more sense than to expect she would be there.

Ask your DH if he is nervous? Has he done a course to prepare or done any reading? OBEM doesn't count.

anniemcphee · 03/05/2012 22:20

A friend of mine had a baby 3 months ago. After her 21 week scan she put a pic on facebook and her MIL said "can't wait to watch baby being born!"
Luckily MIL's own DD stepped in and said "what do you mean by that? It is their day mother, and it is not a spectator sport!"
MIL appologised and said as long as she could be there asap to have cuddles that would be great.

I think they just get wrapped up in all the excitement.
Although you may find if you talk to her she has no intention of watching the event, she might just intend to hang around at the hospital.

I would have a casual chat with her, and say that you would rather she went home and got things ready for baby to come home? (I.E - steralise bottles if you choose to ff, wash the bedding for the cot, wash a few baby grows etc).
Plus if your labour is anything like either of mine, it will be boring for on lookers for a good few hours before the birth!
Good luck x

anniemcphee · 03/05/2012 22:21

Doh! re my last post! Glad all is well!

Original poster
mythical · 03/05/2012 22:23

I had a chat with him, he doesn't want her there, he just thought she wanted to be there and felt bad telling her no.
I don't think he really understood why I didn't want her there when i told him initially.
He just assumed she would be there (for some reason) but it seems like me and MIL both assumed the right thing - that she is more than welcome to be there but not during the actual birth as it is something quite private.
Maybe it's a woman thing, i don't know :)

OP posts:
JingleMum · 03/05/2012 22:50

you sound like a wonderful DIL & she sounds like a wonderful MIL, i'm glad it's all sorted out.