Aibu re labour and mil?

[mythical]

I was talking to dh yesterday about what will happen when I go into labour.
Plan is (or at least I thought It was!) - mil will drive us to the hospital when needs be and then come back as soon as I give birth to meet her granddaughter, have cuddles and so on!
Dh was under the impression she will stay with us during the whole thing.
Now I really do get along well with my mil (we live together) but I find the whole thing quite private and I don't think I would be comfortable with her there.
Dh is saying he doesn't know how to approach the subject and "tell her" she can't stay.
I don't want to be mean but I wouldn't want my mum there either if she would be able to come! ( she lives in another country)
He needs to talk to her as soon as possible really but he keeps saying he doesn't know how to bring it up..
I definitely don't know how to bring it up!

just ask her innocently - 'are you planning to wait at the hospital, or do you want us to phone when we're ready for you to meet grandchild?'

Just be a bit matter of fact about it - ask her casually what she plans to do while you are in labour and if she says she will be in with you, make sure you look a bit stunned. And then say you're really sorry, but it's one birth partner only.

Also, you can tell you midwives you only want dh there and they will tactfully ask her to leave without saying it comes from you.

Is there no waiting room at the hospital? If she wants to, she can wait there. She doesn't have to be in the labour room.

Ask her. She might not want to be there anyway, knowing that it is a very vulnerable and personal thing for you.

My MIL had visions of herself being there and holding the baby straight after I put my foot down (and we get along OK) and said I only wanted the two people who were there at conception at the birth My DM wound have been thrown out but luckily, she is a very private person.

Good luck

She might not even want to be there!

Say 'MIL, are you sure you still want to drive us because at my appointment today the midwife said its only one birth partner?'

Or tell her that she would have to park in the ridiculously expensive hospital carpark for hours...

Thank you :o

I just watched a youtube video tour of our local hospital's labour ward but there's no mention of more than 1 birth partner.
I don't think they have a waiting area though.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding is right about it affecting your labour.
You need to speak to your MIL direct, not go through "assumptions" or through DH. Something along the lines of "DH mentioned that you would like to be at the birth but I feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea. Would you be very offended if I asked you to just come as soon as it's happened?"

With the best will in the world tell your DH to grow a pair and tell his mother that she is not going to be at the birth.

Everlong, I really see where you're coming from but because we also live together (best thing for all of us to do) I feel like dh and I get very little time on our own and little privacy and I know she will be a fantastic and involved grandmother but I'm just not comfortable enough to have her there.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to not want her there, your birth your choice, it's a very personal moment.

However I just wondered reading this if your DH is worried about how he will cope and thought she'd be good back up for him?

I am not saying that you should agree to it but maybe you need to sound DH out a bit more about why he doesn't want to tell your MIL to not come, it might not be just about her wanting to be there?

I was very aware during my labour - a cleaner came into the room at a crucial point without knocking and my contractions just stopped. I was furious and nearly ended up having an instrumental delivery because I was pushing without contractions. Yuck.

I'd point out the prohibitive cost of parking plus the millions of expensive cups of tea she'll have to purchase whilst waiting in the canteen.
Fwiw as I was in labour for 4 days if DH had had to pay for the parking we would have had to take out a second mortgage, thankfully he has a parking permit as he works in another hospital for the same trust , I still sent him home at one point because he was getting on my nerves (Drs shouldn't be allowed to mix with midwives they don't get on well)

Tell her that the policy is only one other person in the room while you are in labour.

I can see where everlong is coming from, but I really don't think giving birth should be seen as an opportunity for anyone else to have an "amazing experience". Birth is not a spectator activity. It's an extremely important rite of passage, for the parents.

Having the feeling of being "watched" during labour can raise Adrenalin which inhibits the flow of Oxytocin - the labour hormone that makes contractions happen. This is the very natural and normal reason why so many women want to create privacy during birth. I always cringe when I see mums on One Born Every Minute with an enormous entourage of bystanders (with partner, Mum, AND MIL "supporting", by the time both the midwives attend for the actual birth that's 5 watchers!!!). It is the perfect way to slow labour down and for complications to occur. THIS is the reason why most hospitals limit birth partners to 2 maximum (space is an issue too, yes).

Of course, some women like to have their mum or MIL there, and that would increase their sense of safety and security (which increases the flow of Oxytocin) and in those situations, it makes perfect sense for mum/MIL to be there. I don't think this is the case for the OP however.

OP - Get your DP to ask MIL what she intends to do after she has dropped you both off at hospital. If she had thought she would be there at the birth, he can gently explain that you want to keep things private. If he's kind about it, I'm sure she'll understand. I bet she just wants the best for you. You can't control people's reactions, but if you're honest and gentle about it then you have taken responsibility for your side of things.

What Badgerina said. Any disruption that makes the labouring woman anxious can interfere with the process of labour.

And the poor woman is likely to get very bored waiting. With a first child you could be hours.

OP, I think you've got to be brave and just tell her! I'm sure she will understand, and if she wants to go back home and wait, or wait in the hospital cafe that's fine and your DH can let her know as soon as the baby has arrived and you are ready for visitors.

Yes, everlong, they did. No need for the face.

It's well documented that the hormones that make labour happen work best when the mother feels safe and secure. When that cleaner walked in, I felt utterly humiliated and exposed. Maybe you think I shouldn't have, but it wasn't your labour.

May I also point out the price of hospital parking

I'd have loved my MIL to be at the birth of my children - I would have had an excuse to kill her! (while my hormones were out of control, you understand! )
Seriously!, your DH thinks you should have your MIL in at the birth? If you get on well with her as you say, just tell her that you hadn't realised until now that your DH had thought that this was going to happen and that you're not comfortable with it. To be honest, she may not be aware of this either, I don't know how old she is but until fairly recently most women gave birth alone, having the husband in the room wasn't common 40 years ago and she may be really uncomfortable at the thought.

"'contractions just stopped ' what because a cleaner walked in"

Yes, this isn't surprising at all. FruitSaladIsNotPudding obviously has a very sensitive "fight or flight" response. It's an unconscious hormonal response to a "perceived" threat. It is very normal thing to happen. When I transferred to hospital I was met by a very insensitive midwife. She was not in any way horrible, but she spoke too loudly to me, and asked me questions, I felt very "interrupted" by her. My contractions stopped and I told her what was happening. They didn't start until 20 minutes after a new, quiet midwife arrived, dimmed the lights, and shut the door, she spoke so softly and directed all questions to my birth partner.