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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about dd's birthday?

122 replies

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 10:19

Now I should just qualify that I love my MIL. She is an extraordinarily kind, generous and helpful woman. Her and FIL do inordinate amounts for us and I love them huge amounts. In fact I feel terrible just typing an aibu about MIL but...

... oh and it's exceedingly dull btw, I bow down to your superior tenacity if you get to the end of this ...

anyway....

DD is about to turn 5. For her birthday every year my parents take her (plus dh and me) for a day out. This has historically been at local attraction a which has always been age appropriate and much loved by dd. There is also in existence local attraction b which dd is now of an age to enjoy and it's somewhere that both my parents and the ILs have been desperate to take dd to once she was old enough.

Are you all awake? Marvellous.

So this year my parents are planning on taking us to local attraction b. They are very excited. As are we.

Last night I mentioned to the ILs (they had popped round to help me out with a water/pipe/tank issue- dh stuck at work) that we will be going out on Saturday with my parents for dd's birthday. MIL said 'it had better not be to local attraction b as I want to take dgd there'. I said nothing as dd was in the room and she doesn't know where we're going, it's a surprise.

They're coming round later and I have to tell MIL where we're going. Doesn't sound like a big issue does it? It is. MIL is very needy, a bit sulky and takes things personally. She will cry. She will sulk. I will be blamed. She is as I said, a lovely, kind, generous woman. She's just at the mercy of her moods a bit. It's fine, it's a bit of a running joke tbh and in lighter moments she can laugh at herself.

DH is suggesting we invite MIL and FIL along on Saturday which is okay as a compromise but actually, my parents are true introverts and this is their treat for their dgd and I think they deserve to be able to do this for her and us.

The other option is to tell my parents the problem and go to local attraction a instead. My parents are kind and rational and would do this without a fuss. Any upset they felt they would hide from us.

I'm sending myself to sleep here you realise?

MIL will cry, develop a migraine and sulk a bit. She will accuse us of being ungrateful. More specifically she will be angry with me. Because I'm not her flesh and blood and it's my parents who are the ones taking dd to this place. FIL will finally intervene, talk her down, she'll be withdrawn for a few days and it'll blow over. I'll have to do a lot of careful damage limitation and we all move on with our lives.

Can I just clarify again that I love MIL. If this 'neediness' is the worst of her problems then I can cope with that. She really is a wonderful, kind, generous woman. She just is who she is. I accept that.

So what do I do? Change plans with my parents? Buy MIL flowers and apologise but be clear that we are going to go ahead with these plans? Or secret option c, cancel dd's birthday as it's going to rain anyway?

Told you it was dull.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 10:21

'popped round'. Bloody awful phrase. I judge myself. IABU.

OP posts:
OldGreyWiffleTest · 30/04/2012 10:22

If you knew MIL wanted to take DD to this attraction, why are you now allowing your parents to do so?

ujjayi · 30/04/2012 10:24

I'm torn between suggesting you invite them along - won't DD be thrilled to have both sets of GPs along? - and saying that your MIL needs to grow up and get over herself. No matter how much you love her, she is clearly manipulative. If she is like this over a day out with her DGD what the hell will she be like over something major?

ScarlettInSpace · 30/04/2012 10:24

Only you know really, which is the least likely to cause upset. It's the kind of thing I'd worry about, prob end up saying to MIL that as she hadn't shared her secret plan with you to go to B then you have already made plans to go there with your parents and let he rput her lip out for a bit.

The bottom line is I guess you HAVE already made the plans so you're not chan ging anything by sticking to them..

not sure that helps much but anyways good luck Grin

ShatnersBassoon · 30/04/2012 10:24

Can't you all go together?

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 10:25

it's somewhere that both my parents and the ILs have been desperate to take dd to once she was old enough

OP posts:
ScarlettInSpace · 30/04/2012 10:25

Would prob invite them along as well though, now I've said that lol...

peugotgringo · 30/04/2012 10:25

hmm, both sets of grandparents want to take your DD to the same attraction and have been looking forward to doing so?

I think it's best if you all go there together.

Maybetimeforachange · 30/04/2012 10:25

Given that you knew that both sets of grandparents wanted to take her there you should have anticipated this happening and arranged for you all to go together. In fact, you can still do that now.

dexter73 · 30/04/2012 10:25

can't you go on Saturday with your parents and then another day with PIL?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/04/2012 10:26

Leave your plan with your parents as it is, do the damage limitation thing with your MiL, and suggest another time to go there, maybe in the summer holidays or something. It's not like your dd can only go once in her lifetime.

As lovely as your Mil may be, pandering to that kind of pathetic neediness is never a good idea, it wouldn't be doing you or her or more importantly, your dd, any favours.

She cries and sulks to get her own way? Do you really want a message to be sent to your dd that that sort of behaviour is normal or acceptable?

Treblesallround · 30/04/2012 10:26

Have I got it right that your parents spend every birthday with your dd and your in laws never do? If so YABVU and at least include her other grandparents in the day out. MIL doesn't sound needy, just sidelined about her gd's birhdays

akaemmafrost · 30/04/2012 10:28

Well you could all go together I suppose but I would be loathe to buy into MIL's sulks and tears to be honest.

TooEasilyTempted · 30/04/2012 10:28

I think you should invite the in laws along for the day.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/04/2012 10:30

And who the hell does this mil think she is to say 'it had better not be to attraction B as I want to take dgd there'!

What sort of a thing is that to say? Confused That parents and other grandparents had better not take a child on a planned birthday day out because she wants to? Horrible thing to say.

knowitallstrikesagain · 30/04/2012 10:32

In this position I think I would ask my lovely rational parents if inlaws aould come too as it is somewhere they have always wanted to take dgd to and have been waiting til she was old enough to enjoy it.

But then this is because I am a fraidy cat and know my parents would forget about it shortly afterwards so I pick my battles.

And then, on a totally random day, go out with parents and dd only to somewhere lovely and unexpected.

StanleyLambchop · 30/04/2012 10:34

If your parents have previously taken DD out every year on her birthday, perhaps it is the turn of the ILs? You don't say how much each set of GPs see your DD the rest of the time. If your MIL is there all the time but your parents don't see your DD much then that is a different scenario. I would personally go for the compromise and invite them too, with a promise from your DH that he will step in if you feel that your introverted parents are being pushed out if your MIL takes over.

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 10:35

No Treble, you've got it totally wrong. Grin MIL sees dd nearly every day. She takes dd out all the time and for dd's birthday this year she is taking dd out for lunch and a day shopping. She is having a birthday tea for her at her house and then they are camping in the garden in a tent. MIL and DD chose these activities together. My parents have chosen something different.

Drip feeding I know but my parents are always having to change their plans to accommodate MIL's whims.

I know the answer is to invite ILs along too, hence it being option a. Just seems a bit irksome. ILs see far more of dd than my parents do and my parents just like to have a nice day out on her birthday. It's their treat for dd.

Oh and on dd's actual birthday she's asked to go to the local fish and chip restaurant for dinner. MIL and FIL are coming too. They are not excluded by any means.

OP posts:
Treblesallround · 30/04/2012 10:36

Sorry, got it wrong. In which case YANBU. Go and have a nice day.

funnypeculiar · 30/04/2012 10:38

Humm, you knew that both sets of gps wanted to take her there, but have let your parents organise the first trip. Imagine how you'd feel if your dh did that...

I would invite both sets of parents along tbh - from what you say, your parents won't really mind, as they are pretty easy going.

I do understand you desire not to be manipulated by MIL's sulking, but actually think you could be the bigger person here.

buttonmoon78 · 30/04/2012 10:38

It was possibly slightly inadvisable to arrange this with your dps knowing that mil was likely to get upset.

Although it would stick in my throat a bit, I'd go with option c: inform your dps that your mil is childish upset about the situation so could you all go somewhere else.

Then, take your dd there with just you and your dh.

I'm sure your dps would understand that and that way, mil can't sulk that the other gps have taken dd and it would be utterly U of her to sulk if you take your own dd there.

Isn't it strange how the silliest things become so large in some people's minds - neither my mil nor my mum could have cared less if one took the dgcs somewhere first!

squeakytoy · 30/04/2012 10:38

cant she be taken twice?

akaemmafrost · 30/04/2012 10:38

Well after reading your last post I certainly would not invite them along. Im afraid I am very much of the "what she does not like she can always lump" school of thought especially when dealing with tantrummin grown adults.

akaemmafrost · 30/04/2012 10:38

tantrumming

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/04/2012 10:39

Why should the other GPs have their plans trampled all over on the whim of the MIL?

The in laws have been free to invite their son and Dil and dgd on days out for years if they wanted to. Birthday treats don't have to be done on the actual birthday. Im sure there is more than one nice thing to do in OPs area, and I'm sure OP would willingly accommodate the in laws on another day.

If I was in the other GPs position and I had been looking forward to a special day out with my dd, sil and dgd, then I was being guilt tripped into having to share that with people that may make me feel a little uncomfortable, I woudo be very upset. It's not fair to limit the other gps enjoyment of this just because they don't act like drama queens like the mil does and will accept something they don't like without complaining. It's not nice to take advantage of the good nature of other people.