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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about dd's birthday?

122 replies

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 10:19

Now I should just qualify that I love my MIL. She is an extraordinarily kind, generous and helpful woman. Her and FIL do inordinate amounts for us and I love them huge amounts. In fact I feel terrible just typing an aibu about MIL but...

... oh and it's exceedingly dull btw, I bow down to your superior tenacity if you get to the end of this ...

anyway....

DD is about to turn 5. For her birthday every year my parents take her (plus dh and me) for a day out. This has historically been at local attraction a which has always been age appropriate and much loved by dd. There is also in existence local attraction b which dd is now of an age to enjoy and it's somewhere that both my parents and the ILs have been desperate to take dd to once she was old enough.

Are you all awake? Marvellous.

So this year my parents are planning on taking us to local attraction b. They are very excited. As are we.

Last night I mentioned to the ILs (they had popped round to help me out with a water/pipe/tank issue- dh stuck at work) that we will be going out on Saturday with my parents for dd's birthday. MIL said 'it had better not be to local attraction b as I want to take dgd there'. I said nothing as dd was in the room and she doesn't know where we're going, it's a surprise.

They're coming round later and I have to tell MIL where we're going. Doesn't sound like a big issue does it? It is. MIL is very needy, a bit sulky and takes things personally. She will cry. She will sulk. I will be blamed. She is as I said, a lovely, kind, generous woman. She's just at the mercy of her moods a bit. It's fine, it's a bit of a running joke tbh and in lighter moments she can laugh at herself.

DH is suggesting we invite MIL and FIL along on Saturday which is okay as a compromise but actually, my parents are true introverts and this is their treat for their dgd and I think they deserve to be able to do this for her and us.

The other option is to tell my parents the problem and go to local attraction a instead. My parents are kind and rational and would do this without a fuss. Any upset they felt they would hide from us.

I'm sending myself to sleep here you realise?

MIL will cry, develop a migraine and sulk a bit. She will accuse us of being ungrateful. More specifically she will be angry with me. Because I'm not her flesh and blood and it's my parents who are the ones taking dd to this place. FIL will finally intervene, talk her down, she'll be withdrawn for a few days and it'll blow over. I'll have to do a lot of careful damage limitation and we all move on with our lives.

Can I just clarify again that I love MIL. If this 'neediness' is the worst of her problems then I can cope with that. She really is a wonderful, kind, generous woman. She just is who she is. I accept that.

So what do I do? Change plans with my parents? Buy MIL flowers and apologise but be clear that we are going to go ahead with these plans? Or secret option c, cancel dd's birthday as it's going to rain anyway?

Told you it was dull.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 11:57

MIL takes dd to all sorts of things, attraction, holidays, days out etc. She just hasn't arranged taking dd to this place. We bend over backwards not to hurt MIL's feelings.

Anyway, I've spoken to my Mum. In the interests of keeping the peace we are no longer going to this place on Saturday. MIL will never know.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 11:59

local attraction b

OP posts:
Marymaryalittlecontrary · 30/04/2012 12:00

I personally wouldn't tell MIL until after the event. If it comes up when she comes round I would say 'Im leaving it totally up to my parents to decide - this is their present to their granddaughter, we'll go where they want.'

Then have a lovely day and say afterwards, 'this is where they wanted to go, nothing to do with me. However, daughter was very disappointed there wasn't time to do/see x so I've said she can do that when you take her there.'

ExitPursuedByABear · 30/04/2012 12:01

I think you are being far too accommodating of your MIL's sensibilities.

But it is your call.

Looks a fab place!

5madthings · 30/04/2012 12:03

at first i awas going to say invite mil as well but having read further posts it transpires she does loads with your dd anyway.

i would feel like i 'should' invite her, but i can see why you dont want to and she is behaving like a spoit child!

shame you are going somewhere else as that place is fab! i am also a norfolk mnetter! in norwich actually!

imnotmymum · 30/04/2012 12:04

looks a lovely day out !

NotSureICanCarryOn · 30/04/2012 12:05

Let your parents go to attraction b with your dd as a reat for her b'day.
Then ensure that your MIL has a trip organize there with your dd a couple of months later.

If your dd is like my dcs, she will want to go back and will prob insist very loudly to do so.
Fantastic opportunity for your ML to then do that.

NotSureICanCarryOn · 30/04/2012 12:06

Sorry missed your last update.

I am sorry for your parents but really hope that they and your dd ahve a fantastic day out!

MrsEricBana · 30/04/2012 12:06

Ooh what a lovely place.
I was going to say speak to your lovely sounding parents and give them the choice of you asking MIL and FIL to go with you or just going somewhere else altogether. Great shame that they have had to change their plans but good that the peace will be kept if MIL is generally very lovely, kind etc as you say. Hope you have a lovely day.

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 12:07

I used to live in Norwich Grin. I really miss it.

We've decided the weather's too risky anyway. We're going to arrange a family trip to the place during the summer holidays and issue an open invitation to all family members.

OP posts:
CharlotteBronteSaurus · 30/04/2012 12:08

i think your MIL and mine are cast from the same mould
mine is also lovely and kind and involved, but also a teensy bit princessy IYSWIM
so i think i understand a bit why you are tempted not to rock the boat, as it's never nice to upset someone nice.
she is being out of order here though, and i think she does need to respect that the other plans were made first. it's the right thing for all concerned, and it might just help her not to do this sort of thing in the future, if it's the kind of thing she has form for.

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 30/04/2012 12:08

I would either invite them or lie and say you don't know where you are going as it's a surprise for all of you, not just DD.

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 12:10

Charlotte, I'm really pleased somebody understands. She is nice, just princessy. She also knows she's unreasonable. She just can't help it. The beauty of it is that you always know where you stand. It won't ever change.

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 30/04/2012 12:11

ShowOfHands after all that you not going anyway !!

WorraLiberty · 30/04/2012 12:12

You've got to feel sorry for the child in this case really.

All the adults love her, they all want to take her to the same place.

So going together is a no brainer to me.

I don't care if your parents are introverts...this is their Grand daughter's birthday so it's not about them.

I'm sure they can all manage to 'share' her on the same day out.

PurpleRomanesco · 30/04/2012 12:13

I'm really shocked you have decided this tbh.

The way your MIL behaves has nothing to do with how many grandchildren she has or how sick her son was when he was little. It's about getting her own way and because she knows it works she will do this for the rest of your lives.

You may be desensitised to this but most people would not put up with a grown woman sulking this way, I know you love her but I think it's awful that your lovely, Well meaning parents should have to suffer because this woman will throw a tantrum to get her way. Perhaps they are hurt by it but won't tell you because they feel you have enough trouble with your PILs.

purpledragonfruit · 30/04/2012 12:14

Sounds to me like way too many treats/days out for a child's birthday!

I would adivse you in future to have one party, on the birthday if possible, to which everyone is invited. If family insist on days out hand them your dd and stay out of it.

diddl · 30/04/2012 12:15

I think that Worra sums it up really well.

ChaoticismyLife · 30/04/2012 12:16

I haven't read all of this thread, yes, I know. I did read your post of 10.35 and all I can say is your MIL needs to grow up and stop being a drama queen.

YANBU go and have a lovely day with your parents, DD and DH.

PurpleRomanesco · 30/04/2012 12:17

I have visions of Marie from "Everybody Loves Raymond" in my head for some reason!

:o

purpledragonfruit · 30/04/2012 12:17

Oh, and in this situation I would say whoever decided to take her there first is the one who gets to take her. I don't pander to sulks at all though.

Floggingmolly · 30/04/2012 12:19

It's somewhere both my parents and the IL's have been desperate to take dd once she was old enough
Then I don't think you can choose between them.
Much as it might burn your hide, you should all go together. The capacity for hurt feelings here is huge, regardless of any outward, obvious tantrums.

Bumpsadaisie · 30/04/2012 12:19

???? Your MIL sulks and "blames you" and all the rest of it, merely because her idea to take your DD somewhere isn't a goer this year because someone else is doing it????

I am quite shocked that you put up with this to be honest. Why should you all have to kowtow to her moods and whims? Tell her to grow up.

That isn't to take away from the fact that she may be generous in other ways and nice. But this tantrummy behaviour really is not on in an adult-adult relationship. It is insidious and a way of controlling you and always getting her own way.

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 12:24

purpledragonfruit, two days out once a year. Oh yes, she's certainly spoilt.

Worra, I disagree completely. As I said my parents would happily agree to ILs coming along (I won't list the number of times they've changed plans to accommodate MIL). I was merely acknowledging that actually I know my parents and while they'd willingly and without complaint acquiesce to any change in plans, I know they'd quietly and privately quite like a day just with me, dh and their dgc. Which is what will happen.

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 30/04/2012 12:25

OK, both you are your MIL are unreasonable.

You because you know she is desperate to take your daughter there yet you arranged for your parents to take and you didn't manage your MIL's expectations.

Her because she gets upset over something so petty.

On balance I think you are probably the most unreasonable as you know she was looking forward to it and you arranged the trip without telling her.

The fairest solution I would have thought is to call her later and say, yes it is to "B" my parents have also been looking forward to taking her for months.

Then offer her the choice: either:

a) She comes too...
b) the trip goes ahead as planned and she takes her in a few months time, no doubt as its such a great place DD will be very excited to go back again at the end of the summer.
c) Cancel the trip but DD goes just with parents and no grandparents.