about dd's birthday?

[ShowOfHands]

Now I should just qualify that I love my MIL. She is an extraordinarily kind, generous and helpful woman. Her and FIL do inordinate amounts for us and I love them huge amounts. In fact I feel terrible just typing an aibu about MIL but...

... oh and it's exceedingly dull btw, I bow down to your superior tenacity if you get to the end of this ...

anyway....

DD is about to turn 5. For her birthday every year my parents take her (plus dh and me) for a day out. This has historically been at local attraction a which has always been age appropriate and much loved by dd. There is also in existence local attraction b which dd is now of an age to enjoy and it's somewhere that both my parents and the ILs have been desperate to take dd to once she was old enough.

Are you all awake? Marvellous.

So this year my parents are planning on taking us to local attraction b. They are very excited. As are we.

Last night I mentioned to the ILs (they had popped round to help me out with a water/pipe/tank issue- dh stuck at work) that we will be going out on Saturday with my parents for dd's birthday. MIL said 'it had better not be to local attraction b as I want to take dgd there'. I said nothing as dd was in the room and she doesn't know where we're going, it's a surprise.

They're coming round later and I have to tell MIL where we're going. Doesn't sound like a big issue does it? It is. MIL is very needy, a bit sulky and takes things personally. She will cry. She will sulk. I will be blamed. She is as I said, a lovely, kind, generous woman. She's just at the mercy of her moods a bit. It's fine, it's a bit of a running joke tbh and in lighter moments she can laugh at herself.

DH is suggesting we invite MIL and FIL along on Saturday which is okay as a compromise but actually, my parents are true introverts and this is their treat for their dgd and I think they deserve to be able to do this for her and us.

The other option is to tell my parents the problem and go to local attraction a instead. My parents are kind and rational and would do this without a fuss. Any upset they felt they would hide from us.

I'm sending myself to sleep here you realise?

MIL will cry, develop a migraine and sulk a bit. She will accuse us of being ungrateful. More specifically she will be angry with me. Because I'm not her flesh and blood and it's my parents who are the ones taking dd to this place. FIL will finally intervene, talk her down, she'll be withdrawn for a few days and it'll blow over. I'll have to do a lot of careful damage limitation and we all move on with our lives.

Can I just clarify again that I love MIL. If this 'neediness' is the worst of her problems then I can cope with that. She really is a wonderful, kind, generous woman. She just is who she is. I accept that.

So what do I do? Change plans with my parents? Buy MIL flowers and apologise but be clear that we are going to go ahead with these plans? Or secret option c, cancel dd's birthday as it's going to rain anyway?

Told you it was dull.

It is her birthday yes. But it's a surprise day out. She doesn't even know she's seeing them on Saturday. She'll be happy with wherever we go tbh.

i agree showofhands BW is FAB but its expensive and i resented paying lots for ds4 who at 3yrs didnt get that much out of it, 5 and above great, infact ds4 is 4 now and would probably enjoy it much more than he did 6mths ago, we will be going this summer no doubt!

You parents sound lovely but do they not feel a teeny bit pissed off at rearranging things, a lot of times, to suit MIL?

I think the fact that MIL is desperate to take her first smacks of one upmanship. I couldn't be bothered with it myself (but I'm horrible).

You are not horrible you big fat liar.

My parents are very easy going. They roll their eyes and laugh. As long as they get to see their family, they are very laidback.

which is what I was trying to say very badly in my other post there did not seem to be a prob as all get on and your parents easygoing. I am horrible too cocolepew and could not be as nice as you Show, for 13 years I am awarding you a medal.

Oh for goodness sake why do people pander to these people? If I was that much of a pain in the arse I'd expect to be told to get over myself! Go with your parents and let her sulk for a few days. She's a big girl she'll get over it

You are a very nice person SOH, if I sent my MIL round she'd break you in a nano second. It's a wonder I haven't murdered her.

I think you should invite them too and if they decline then go without them

Feed her to the Crocklebog.

geee whizz you poor thing

know what you mean

1. either invite em all - you'll kill several annoying birds with one stone and arent they all of an age to get on with each other? Maybe you could get a little break at a cafe with your DH if they are all there...while they all go off and take your DD to the rides or whatever, if it has rides?

Plus it may turn out to be an amazing day out? Have a feeling your DD will LOVE all the attention too

OR

1. Change plans completely, do a morning actuvity somewhere with your parents (morning coffee & lunch) then afternoon tea/early dinner with the other hard work grandma

Or have a home birthday party for her with her friends and grandparents...but they may want to stay for ages afterwards so maybe not good idea

but yes, YANBU to feel completely fried by it all

GP's can be stupidly possessive!!

Please tell me what is the DP? (lives in norfolk and can't work it out!) Is High Lodge in Brandon Forest within a reasonable distance from you? That's got lots of fun stuff for kids.

ah since reading your last post then you need to tell MIL that she already has those 'special' plans with DD for her birthday

crikey

stick with your parents for a quiet day out with DD

ignore any tantrums and repeat if necessary that DD is soooooooooooooooooo looking forward to her special birthday with MIL

eugh what a MIL

ah since reading your last post then you need to tell MIL that she already has those 'special' plans with DD for her birthday

crikey

stick with your parents for a quiet day out with DD

ignore any tantrums and repeat if necessary that DD is soooooooooooooooooo looking forward to her special birthday with MIL

eugh what a MIL

plus - next year for her birthday, would recommend a VERY low key party, with only a couple of her school friends. Or just a meal out with your DH, immediate family perhaps...

easier said than done tho.

what a headwreck for a birthday with all these plans plans and more plans

am shattered just reading about it, so cant imagine how you feel

sorreeeeeee, double posted

Glad your parents haven't minded totally changing making a compromise to their plans.

I was all for suggesting you ask your parents if they mind making it a family day out that included the IL's too, but from everything else you said it doesn't sound like that would be good enough.

She doesn't sound like a normally lovely MIL to me, she sounds manipulative and selfish. Crying, sulking, migraines, getting angry at you, accusations of people being ungrateful to her, wanting to be first.

I think you must have the patience of a saint to put up with that.

I know you've made up your mind on this one, but I think you're wrong to pamper to this woman. Being generally lovely doesn't excuse displaying behaviour which is so childish that several adults change their plans just to avoid experiencing it.

Honestly, I would go to this place as planned, and ignore any silly tantrums from MIL.

well if your parents take her every year of course your mil is upset about it invite them all fgs and stop making problems.

Grandparents can get unreasonably hurt about all manner of things.

I am the sweetest, kindest, most helpful GP going, but when the other GPs (who don't see GC very much or help out very much) got to do an 'event' before us, I was pathetically hurt (I didn't let on, I hasten to add!)

It was childish, unreasonable, and as I said, pathetic. I got over it, but you can't help your feelings.

Grandparents can be strange creatures...

Nothing like not reading the thread eh minimisschief?

Nanny, you sound lovely. My parents help a lot too btw. They see dd (and ds) every week and spend Thursdays here helping me, seeing the dc etc. We also see them every other weekend and go on holiday with them (we go on holiday wth the ILs too). They're not uninvolved. You're right though about not being able to help your feelings. MIL is a fabulous and doting grandmother and I positively encourage that. She is, btw, free to take dd wherever, whenever. I think my parents just thought her birthday a great opportunity. They too had no idea it could be a problem. Still, all sorted.

But it isn't 'all sorted' is it? This situation will rear its ugly head time & time again, and it looks like each and every time your parents will have to roll over and let MIL have her own way. Pandering to her is not really sorting it.

What happens when your DD gets older, will your MIL get cross if she chooses to do something with her friends which MIL wanted first dibs on? Will she take it out on your DD, manipulate her, feign migraines and get angry? Will she force your DD into a situation where she feels guilty to do anything with the other GPs? Your DD is still young but she will start to notice the way your MIL behaves. You need to stop it before that happens.

Hear Hear Stanley!