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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about dd's birthday?

122 replies

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 10:19

Now I should just qualify that I love my MIL. She is an extraordinarily kind, generous and helpful woman. Her and FIL do inordinate amounts for us and I love them huge amounts. In fact I feel terrible just typing an aibu about MIL but...

... oh and it's exceedingly dull btw, I bow down to your superior tenacity if you get to the end of this ...

anyway....

DD is about to turn 5. For her birthday every year my parents take her (plus dh and me) for a day out. This has historically been at local attraction a which has always been age appropriate and much loved by dd. There is also in existence local attraction b which dd is now of an age to enjoy and it's somewhere that both my parents and the ILs have been desperate to take dd to once she was old enough.

Are you all awake? Marvellous.

So this year my parents are planning on taking us to local attraction b. They are very excited. As are we.

Last night I mentioned to the ILs (they had popped round to help me out with a water/pipe/tank issue- dh stuck at work) that we will be going out on Saturday with my parents for dd's birthday. MIL said 'it had better not be to local attraction b as I want to take dgd there'. I said nothing as dd was in the room and she doesn't know where we're going, it's a surprise.

They're coming round later and I have to tell MIL where we're going. Doesn't sound like a big issue does it? It is. MIL is very needy, a bit sulky and takes things personally. She will cry. She will sulk. I will be blamed. She is as I said, a lovely, kind, generous woman. She's just at the mercy of her moods a bit. It's fine, it's a bit of a running joke tbh and in lighter moments she can laugh at herself.

DH is suggesting we invite MIL and FIL along on Saturday which is okay as a compromise but actually, my parents are true introverts and this is their treat for their dgd and I think they deserve to be able to do this for her and us.

The other option is to tell my parents the problem and go to local attraction a instead. My parents are kind and rational and would do this without a fuss. Any upset they felt they would hide from us.

I'm sending myself to sleep here you realise?

MIL will cry, develop a migraine and sulk a bit. She will accuse us of being ungrateful. More specifically she will be angry with me. Because I'm not her flesh and blood and it's my parents who are the ones taking dd to this place. FIL will finally intervene, talk her down, she'll be withdrawn for a few days and it'll blow over. I'll have to do a lot of careful damage limitation and we all move on with our lives.

Can I just clarify again that I love MIL. If this 'neediness' is the worst of her problems then I can cope with that. She really is a wonderful, kind, generous woman. She just is who she is. I accept that.

So what do I do? Change plans with my parents? Buy MIL flowers and apologise but be clear that we are going to go ahead with these plans? Or secret option c, cancel dd's birthday as it's going to rain anyway?

Told you it was dull.

OP posts:

buttonmoon78 · 30/04/2012 10:39

Ah. Just read last post showy. In that case I'd just tell mil that she's got to get over it. Otherwise you'll be changing plans for ever the rest of dd's birthdays.

Eggrules · 30/04/2012 10:39

They haven't been excluded and I would not invite them place b.

Your OH should raise this with his parents.

It sounds like your DD will have a great time, what a lucky girl.

imnotmymum · 30/04/2012 10:40

This is why I moved miles away. Such hard work families I would organise something completely different.

DeWe · 30/04/2012 10:42

I expect it's too late now, but I think I'd plead ignorance. Your parents like to keep it a surprise until you're there (can they take you in the car) and of course if they'd/you'd known you would have invited mil too, but it was too late.

Unless she owns the place I suppose.

StanleyLambchop · 30/04/2012 10:42

In that case Show, I would stick to your guns. Let your parents take her to attraction B. If MIL whinges remind her of all the activites she does with your DD including the ones she has chosen for her birthday. Maybe because your parents always change their plans to accomodate her she has got used to getting her own way. I don't understand why MIL can't take DD to the same attraction again in a few months time. Does it have to be once in a lifetime only?

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 10:43

Ah, I didn't arrange with my parents. They asked which day was best for a day out, I told them, left it in their capable hands with 'day out with parents' marked on the calendar. If dh had arranged with the ILs to take dd there, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. It's just a local place and a day out, not a competition.

MIL is of course able to also take dd to this place too she just wants to do it first.

Had it been the other way round and we were going to place b with MIL and FIL my parents would have said 'brilliant, take lots of pics, tell us all about it, can't wait to go ourselves'.

OP posts:

marshmallowpies · 30/04/2012 10:44

I was going to say, for an easy life invite all GPs along, but if your MiL is having her own birthday treat for your DD all organised already, her hijacking the other treat does seem a little unreasonable.

However - as well as remembering that discretion is the better part of valour and all that - my grandparents lived at opposite ends of the country & I never remember seeing them all together. It might be a bit of a disappointment to your parents to have their day out gate crashed, but for your DD to have a day out with all GPs together might be a lovely thing for her.

imnotmymum · 30/04/2012 10:45

"MIL is of course able to also take dd to this place too she just wants to do it first" !!!!!!! I know you say she is lovely etc. but who is 5 years old ???

buttonmoon78 · 30/04/2012 10:46

Go. Go and enjoy and leave mil to sulk.

I like to keep everyone happy but when one person has so much and is still not happy then I cease to care.

However, it's your life and your family so I won't blame you if you do something different!

PurplePidjin · 30/04/2012 10:46

Let MIL lump it. What a pathetic, childish way to behave!

StanleyLambchop · 30/04/2012 10:48

MIL is of course able to also take dd to this place too she just wants to do it first

Then she is being utterly U. A childish game of 'Who's the Top Grandparent' Ignore, Ignore, Ignore !

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/04/2012 10:50

It is pathetic that she feels she 'has to do it first'. Is this woman really a grown adult?

Saying that though, she must have some intelligence to be able to pull stunts that spoilt and childish and end up with her dh tying to pacify her, her ds wanting to accommodate her and have her Dil feel guilty and still think she is lovely.

Maybe I should give her more credit for her manipulation skills.

plantsitter · 30/04/2012 10:50

But you don't know where your parents are planning on going do you? It's a lovely surprise for you all, isn't it?

Mummy2FE · 30/04/2012 10:50

MIL's behaviour is childish but also manipulative and the fact that you have all now got used to it and accepted it is not good at all- for family harmony (including with your parents) or your DD who will soon herself note this behaviour.

Maybe not on this occasion ( as you don't want conflict on your DD's birthday), but in the future you should stand against something she wants and weather the sulking, withdrawing for a few days and migraine. Whilst your MIL may be great in lots of respects, it doesn't negate her behaviour when she manipulates you all at a later date.

Re, this situation, if I were you, I would suggest you all visit the attraction together. Explain the situation to your parents and maybe suggest you do something with just them a weekend afterwards that your DD enjoys, like a farm, trip to the seaside or something.

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 10:58

It's tough. I do know what you all mean about don't pander to it. But it's who she is. It won't change. Honestly. It's just her weakness. She is just a bit needy and I don't want to upset her feelings. It's tough because dd (and now ds) are her only grandchildren. My brother has 3 children too so my parents aren't concentrating all that gp love on one child. It's also an extension of her feelings towards dh. He is her eldest and was extremely poorly as a baby so she clings to him a bit I think. DH's siblings have all moved away (different time zones away in 2 cases) and so dh is holding the fort really in terms of parent/child relations. She needs to feel special. This is no bad thing. What I really wish is that she could see how special she is to us all- I genuinely love her- without needing this preferential treatment at times.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShowOfHands · 30/04/2012 10:59

I'm going to invite her along btw.

OP posts:

imnotmymum · 30/04/2012 11:00

different time zones ! wonder why?? Sorry just giggling to myself ...

cornflowers · 30/04/2012 11:15

MIL sounds like hard work. Hope the outing goes well.

BusinessTrills · 30/04/2012 11:19

Would you give one child preference over another because child A would kick up a big fuss and child B is known to be reasonable and kind and good at sharing?

No, you wouldn't.

"It had better not be..." should be responded to with the classic "Did you really mean to speak so rudely?" How dare she try to tell you what to do?

diddl · 30/04/2012 11:21

Inviting her sounds nice.

Your parents have always taken your daughter to attraction a-and now that she is old enough for attraction b want to take her there.

So MIL has never taken her GD to an attraction for her birthday?

So I think all go tbh-surely nice for daughter to have all GPs there?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/04/2012 11:30

I feel sorry for your parents. They make the effort to organise something for their dgd, who they don't get to see that often, behave in a kind and cooperative way without expecting others to bend over backwards for them, then the other GM kicks up a fuss and acts like a child then has her wishes put first. When she gets to see the child in question more often anyway!

I'm sure your dd is just as special to your parents as she is to mil, even if they do have other GC.

OneHandWavingFree · 30/04/2012 11:51

If your MIL is 'extraordinarily kind' as you say, I think that you and your parents can be just a little bit kind, and not do something that you know will hurt her. (I don't mean that in a horrible way, but it is my opinion).

I think you should explain to your own parents that MIL was also looking forward to taking you DD to attraction b when she was old enough, and that therefore you and DH thought it would be unkind to exclude her on DD's first visit to the attraction.

Your parents can then decide whether they want to keep the tradition of just the five of you going on the birthday outing, and take you all somewhere else, or whether they want to include your PIL on the outing and visit attraction b as planned.

Your DH obviously wants his parents to be included, surely that's important too?

OneHandWavingFree · 30/04/2012 11:52

Sorry, missed your last post :)

ExitPursuedByABear · 30/04/2012 11:55

I think we need to know what attraction b is.

imnotmymum · 30/04/2012 11:57

Actually Exit that is an excellent question what is this attraction that is starting Granny wars !!

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