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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my 2 year old to go to his Grandads funeral?

77 replies

ScouseL · 29/04/2012 16:49

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet but really would like to know everyone's views on this.
My father in law died last week & his funeral is next Tuesday. My husband wants our 2 year old son to go to the funeral. I've managed to get him to see sense that a church service & burial are no place for a 2 year old but he's still insisting that he goes to the wake.
We've not told DS that Grandad is dead. He didn't see an awful lot of him so to be honest I don't think he'll really realise that he's no longer around. (Obviously when he's older we'll tell him & show him photos etc). So I don't want him in a situation where there is likely to be a lot of weeping & wailing (my in laws do like to play up to situations & my m-in-law loves being the centre of attention). My Mum will be looking after DS while I go to the funeral & if he does attend it will mean her doing a 40 min drive to somewhere shes never been before alone (& having to deal with a car seat for the first time!) or me doing the round trip to collect him after the service or my Mum having to entertain DS at the in laws house for the hour or so of the service (none of which I think are fair to my Mum & I'll be 28 weeks pregnant)
The service is at 2.30 so by the time the wake starts I'd imagine it'll be about 4ish which is getting to food, bath & bed time anyway (remembering the 40 min drive home).
So what have other Mnetters done in this situation?

OP posts:

Teeb · 29/04/2012 16:54

Yanbu. I don't think anyone should have to go to a funeral, especially a tired toddler.

Salmotrutta · 29/04/2012 16:54

The only issue I'd have with a 2 year old at a funeral is whether they woud play up or not.
Other than that I see no reason not to take him? In fact I'd be more inclined to take him to the service rather than the wake tbh.

Salmotrutta · 29/04/2012 16:55

would.

curiositykitten · 29/04/2012 17:07

If you can arrange for your mum to have him for the entire time, that's what I would do. If it would involve you having to miss the wake to look after your DS, I'd take him with you - you need to be with your husband.

By the way, I think your MIL is perfectly entitled to 'play up to the situation' - she's just lost her husband!

HecateTrivia · 29/04/2012 17:11

Why does your husband want him to go?

For his benefit? He's two and he doesn't have a clue what's happening.

Because he wants his whole family there?

Because he thinks you should all be seen to be there?

I think you need to understand why he wants this in order to work it out with him.

And ask him things like - what will you do if he gets distressed by all the upset people, what will you do if he starts to shout or cry or laugh or want to run around? things like that.

edam · 29/04/2012 17:12

I wouldn't take him to any of it, tbh. Don't think funerals are a good experience for children - adults becoming emotional may be distressing or scary. Taking him to the wake just sounds complicated and difficult.

My sister did bring my then 4yo niece to our Great-Aunt's funeral - niece was fine BUT it wasn't a very distressing occasion - Great Aunt was happy to go, was in her mid-90s, had no children and her husband had died years before. So we nieces, nephews and great-nieces and nephews were sad, but not in a gut-wrenching way. And at the wake everyone was laughing and telling stories about how fab and funny G-A was.

CoolRunnings · 29/04/2012 17:13

I can see why you don't want your two year old to go, it would be difficult for him to understand why his Daddy is upset. So yanbu for that.

YABU for saying your mil eill 'play up' to the situation, she's just lost her husband ffs, have some compassion.

CoolRunnings · 29/04/2012 17:34

Will* not eill, not sure how that happened.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 29/04/2012 17:34

Her dh has just died, and you're berating your mil for "loving being the centre of attention"? Nice.

Herrena · 29/04/2012 17:55

I'm not sure I'd want to take my (hypothetical) 2-year old along to this either.

Having said that though: however much your MIL may like to be 'the centre of attention' usually, you can't guarantee she'll be like that on this occasion. The most extrovert people can shrink into themselves in times of grief and a cuddle with her (presumably beloved) baby grandson might be a comfort to her. New lives beginning and all that....

usualsuspect · 29/04/2012 17:58

Her husband has just died , she has every right to weep and wail.

Bloody hell how harsh are some posters on here towards their MILs

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/04/2012 17:59

If your Mum would be prepared to do all of that for you to enable your dh to have his son at his Fathers funeral, then that would be a very lovely and kind thing for her to do.

I think your reasons for not even wanting your ds to go to the wake are pretty thin, although I can understand why not the funeral itself. It will be a non event for your ds, but would be something important that your dh will always think of when he thinks back to the day he buried his father, and I think that is far more important.

Annunziata · 29/04/2012 18:01

Yabu. He's your husband's son too, you know!

Sirzy · 29/04/2012 18:03

If your Dh wants him at the wake then I think you should try to help make that happen for him. He is grieving and if having his son there helps then so beit

Dn was 19 months when my nan died, Ds was 6 months both attended the service and the wake. Having them at the wake provided a bit of light relief for everyone and gave them the chance to be spoilt by relatives they hadn't seen before/for a long time.

Softlysoftly · 29/04/2012 18:04

Personally I think it's your DHs father and he is your DHs son therefore this day is about his wishes not yours, you need to understand emotionally why he wants him there and accommodate him at a time when he is emotionally vulnerable, even if it puts you out a little.

I'm getting th impression you have a low level of respect for your in-laws but you are showing that disrespect to your husband, that man "he barely saw" is your DHs dad the woman weeping and wailing is his mum hope your DS's future wife doesn't see you in the same way and fail to support him, karma is a bitch.

trixymalixy · 29/04/2012 18:05

My kids have been to several funerals (unfortunately) from being little babies up to age 4. I think the people that have died would have wanted them there and the kids made things easier for everyone else in the family. They weren't perfectly behaved but it didn't matter as they brought a smile to everyone's faces despite the sadness of the occasion.

I also think your reasons for not taking your DS are pretty thin, does he really go to bed at 5pm .

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 29/04/2012 18:09

I think YABU.

This should be your husband's decision, not yours.

My 2 year old has been to three funerals - her sister's, her great-granddad's and a close family friend's. I was glad to have her there at all three. Your DH might want him there for comfort, as well as for the comfort of others. It's one day. The disruption to his routine is not important.

bejeezus · 29/04/2012 18:10

My mum didn't let me take my kids to her mums funeral (so my grandma; kids great grandma) cuz of the disruption they might cause and because it might be upsetting for them. My dad said he would like to think that his grandkids/great grandkids would be at his funeral to cheer the whole thing up a bit.

I've taken small dd1 to funeral-very large catholic affair. I was a bit worried that people would disapprove, burke it was a friends funeral and I couldn't get childcare. The sentiment there, was very much that kids were very welcome-thats what its all about, the circle of life, family and friends.

I am now in agreeance with those sentiments and my dad. It shouldn't be a morbid affair, it should be a celebration of life and a chance to say fairwell, travel safe, love you. It's fine for kids to see emotional adults. Think death shod be less taboo.

oikopolis · 29/04/2012 18:10

i would take him. he's your DH's son too. and this is DH's dad who's died. having DS there would probably be a comfort to DH as well as the rest of the family... it's nice sometimes to be able to fuss over/talk about/care for/run after a toddler when distraction is sorely needed.

i also thought it quite cruel that you would comment about your ILs/MIL "weeping and wailing" as if it were an entirely ridiculous thing to do.

i should hope my DH and children would feel free to weep and wail for me if i died, it's a perfectly natural and healthy thing to do fgs...

it's one day, it's his grandfather's funeral, and your DH wants him there, so take him. the worst that will happen is it will be a disaster and then you'll go home and it'll all be over in any case.

Salmotrutta · 29/04/2012 18:16

I didn't go to a funeral until I was about 24 - if I'd been to funerals as a child I probably wouldn't have worried nearly so much about that first funeral as I did.
My own children went to funerals as children - they accepted it as part of the world.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/04/2012 18:16

Scouse have you been to many funerals or wakes before? I was just thinking that if you haven't, you might be worrying that a wake will be worse than it actually is.

SardineQueen · 29/04/2012 18:17

DMIL passed away last year and it didn't cross my mind for a second not to take the children (1 and 3). DMIL loved them, DFIL wanted them to be there, it didn't cross my mind not to take them. They provided a smile to people on a very sad day and also there's the whole continuation thing going from one generation to the next. I also think that death is a part of life and I don't think it is right to be squeamish about it with children who are usually terribly matter of fact about these things.

I also think if your DH wants his son there then he should have him there.

Your post sounds very harsh.

Salmotrutta · 29/04/2012 18:18

And yes, it is also pretty awful to suggest your MIL will love being the centre of attention at her own husband's funeral

redwineformethanks · 29/04/2012 18:18

I think your DH's preference should take priority over yours, as it's his Dad who died. Many funeral teas are full of elderly people who love to make a fuss of a toddler. You can adjust your routine for a day. He'll get a snack at the tea, can miss a bath for one day and sleep in the car

redwineformethanks · 29/04/2012 18:20

Funeral teas I've been to have mostly been reasonably cheerful, as people are relieved to get the funeral service over with. I wonder if you're expecting it to be traumatic for your child, but I don't see that it would be

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