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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my 2 year old to go to his Grandads funeral?

77 replies

ScouseL · 29/04/2012 16:49

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet but really would like to know everyone's views on this.
My father in law died last week & his funeral is next Tuesday. My husband wants our 2 year old son to go to the funeral. I've managed to get him to see sense that a church service & burial are no place for a 2 year old but he's still insisting that he goes to the wake.
We've not told DS that Grandad is dead. He didn't see an awful lot of him so to be honest I don't think he'll really realise that he's no longer around. (Obviously when he's older we'll tell him & show him photos etc). So I don't want him in a situation where there is likely to be a lot of weeping & wailing (my in laws do like to play up to situations & my m-in-law loves being the centre of attention). My Mum will be looking after DS while I go to the funeral & if he does attend it will mean her doing a 40 min drive to somewhere shes never been before alone (& having to deal with a car seat for the first time!) or me doing the round trip to collect him after the service or my Mum having to entertain DS at the in laws house for the hour or so of the service (none of which I think are fair to my Mum & I'll be 28 weeks pregnant)
The service is at 2.30 so by the time the wake starts I'd imagine it'll be about 4ish which is getting to food, bath & bed time anyway (remembering the 40 min drive home).
So what have other Mnetters done in this situation?

OP posts:

Salmotrutta · 29/04/2012 18:27

Unless OP is worried about people getting sozzled whilst reminiscing?

In which case she could go with DS to service and burial, put in a polite but shortened appearance at the wake, then leave before people get too maudlin.

Mother2many · 29/04/2012 18:28

I wouldn't. If you mom is willing to watch him, while you and your DP are comforting the MIL...then don't bring your child to the funeral. You never know how they are going to react.

I didn't take my children, and it was easier for me to talk and cry with other people.

Your MIL needs support/comfort right now... Not 2yr old running around. jmho

ApocalypseThen · 29/04/2012 18:30

I think if you husband wants his child there, his child should be there. Your husband probably thinks that his father should have been someone important in his child's life, and that his child should be there as a result.

As others have mentioned, you are coming across as having a very harsh and dismissive attitude towards your husband's family. Do you not really accept that your child is part of your husband's family as well as part of yours?

Also, lighten up on your mother in law. The poor woman has lost her husband. If that's not a time when you're entitled to be visibly upset, it's hard to imagine a time when you can.

ApocalypseThen · 29/04/2012 18:33

Also, I don't understand this squeamishness about children seeing their parents upset at funerals. Are parents robots? Why is it so wrong to let your children see that their father has his own feelings and is his own person who can express sorrow and grief?

Mollydoggerson · 29/04/2012 18:33

To me the drive doesn't seam long and big deal about the car seat, we all get used to them with a little help. I would think it entirely reasonable for your husband to opt for your son to be there, and I see no reason not to bring him (other than the possibility of playing up - whereupon you can take him out and sit in the car, if needs be). TBH I'm surprised your mother isn't going too, but I'm Irish and we tend to err on the side of caution and everyone goes to a family funeral. Completely normal.

I also think on these occassions you suck it up and allow the grieving person a little more leeway, and do whatever you can to make the day less stress
ful for them. I definitely would not be having a fight about it.

tinkertitonk · 29/04/2012 18:33

OP, you have invented reasons for not taking him and they are inadequate, to say no more. Yes, I know, they seem valid to you but you have asked for views and you chose to do that.

MrsMcEnroe · 29/04/2012 18:34

You are coming across as very unsympathetic, OP.

Speaking as someone who lost both parents when the DCs were small: if your DH wants your son (i.e. he's DH's son too, not just yours!) to go to the wake, then you should be doing everything you can to enable that.

You're 28 weeks pregnant, not 40, and it's only a 40-minute drive away. Your DS will survive. He can have some food at the wake and drop off to sleep in the car on the way home; he can skip his bath for one night. You are being very, very precious.

Your MIL and your DH are entitled to weep and wail as much as they like, and it is your job to support them. They've just lost their husband and father ffs. Your mum has offered to help; she can take DS away early if it all gets too much for him. My DCs didn't come to either of my parents' funerals but they were at the wakes and everything was fine.

diddl · 29/04/2012 18:36

My almost 2yr old went to my mother´s wake & it was a positive thing tbh.

He got lots of fuss & it helped me & my Dad to have him there.

Sirzy · 29/04/2012 18:38

Your MIL needs support/comfort right now... Not 2yr old running around. jmho*

I find this comment rather odd. I can think of nothing more comforting for most grandparents than the love of their grandchildren and that includes watching them run around having fun!

Mollydoggerson · 29/04/2012 18:38

Most of the funerals I have been to are not very maudlin. I also think it is really important to remember that the innocencce of a child can be very balancing at a funeral. Life goes on, the natural cycle of life and the next generation joining the family tree. Your mil might enjoy seeing her grandson, it might help her through the day too. I'ld go with whatever your husband and his family want.

orienteerer · 29/04/2012 18:40

I took DS (then age 2) to my Fathers funeral, I was due to read a lesson. When it came to reading the lesson he would not stay with DH so I took him with me and held him whilst I read the lesson. It was the best thing I ever did, as I was holding him I had something else to concentrate on and was able to read the lesson ok! DS is now 9.5 and has no memory whatsoever of the funeral, nor that of my Mother when he was 5.5!

Pandemoniaa · 29/04/2012 19:34

Admittedly, I come from a culture where death is treated quite differently and not something that should be hidden away - Ireland - and where wakes involve open coffin visiting as well as after-funeral tea. So I was exposed to death early on and am grateful for it since it holds no mystery nor any dread.

I think it is reasonable to go along with your husband's wishes on this occasion. He has lost a father and your MIL a husband (I am trying to be charitable about your less than charitable comments about attention-seeking) and it may well be that the presence of your son is a comfort.

When my former FIL died, my ex-h asked that my dcs (slightly older) attend the funeral and they did. They were pleased to have the chance to say goodbye to their grandad and certainly, the atmosphere at the funeral tea was lifted by the presence of them and their cousins.

Springforward · 29/04/2012 19:38

Thankfully I haven't had to deal with this with DS (3) yet, but I would take him, I think. I would probably spend quite a lot of time in the church porch keeping him occupied during the actual service, and I probably would shy away from the grave/ crematorium bit until he's a little older, but I would take him to the wake.

Original poster

ScouseL · 29/04/2012 19:40

Thanks for all your views.

Outraged - yep, I've been to a couple. And there was a fair amount of tears.
What always happens at his family get togethers is they all get drunk & completely ignore DS & I end up being the sole entertainer. Now, I can hear you all saying "but he is your son". And yep, he is & I have no probs entertaining him but a bit of help would be nice especially now I'm big & waddly! And if he is "wanted" there then some acknowledgement of him wouldn't go amiss!
Didn't really explain myself properly. Husbands family are v dramatic at the best of times so in this situation I know there will be lots of emotion. All perfectly understandable but not something I want to have to explain to DS. I appreciate I might come across as a bit heartless but I've had 4 years of putting up with her trampling all over my life & turning on the waterworks when she hasn't got her own way. Including when I dared to have a go at her announcing my latest pregnancy in their Xmas cards when I was only 8 wks & had specifically asked that only family was told! Then denying they'd done it! They'd sent a letter to my Mum so no denying it.

I'll take all your comments into consideration & may change my mind.

Usualsuspect - you are obviously very lucky with your in laws. Mine have been a constant source of grief!
Trixymalixy - of course he doesn't go to bed at 5 but by that point of the day he is getting tired & when he gets tired he gets hyper & easily upset & can be a nightmare.
Sorry if this is a bit disjointed but on my phone & cut & paste is difficult.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 19:41

I think you are being incredibly unfair not allowing your husband to bring his child to his father's funeral, if that's what he wants.

It won't do a toddler a bit of harm to be there, and children "playing up" at funeral services are a nice reminder that life goes on.

If my Dad died and my husband tried to keep my children away from my family's final celebration of his life I would be beyond upset with him.

Kayano · 29/04/2012 19:42

I hate the fact you said your inlaws like to play up to a situation.

Come on!

Their much loved family member has died! They are not getting hysterical over a crashed car

You are being quite mean

I would miss church and go to the wake. I would go apeshit if my husband forbid me from taking my child to my fathers funeral!

Kayano · 29/04/2012 19:43

Oh wait just got the drip feed

I'm out.

Bad form all round op

Original poster

ScouseL · 29/04/2012 19:43

There is that too! Guaranteed they will all got sozzled as they do at any given opportunity.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 29/04/2012 19:44

It sounds to me like you are using your DS as a way to punish your DH and his family for previous issues with them which is frankly a horrid thing to do at a time like this.

I am intrigued as to why it is your decision, surely if HE wants to take HIS son to HIS fathers funeral then he should and at a time like this you should support him not create more problems.

redwineformethanks · 29/04/2012 19:45

But this isn't about you..............it's about your DH and his family. You can stay sober and amuse your DS, even if they choose to drink more than is wise.

Hownoobrooncoo · 29/04/2012 19:45

I didn't take my then 3 and 6 yr old to mu mums funeral as I didn't want them to possible see anyone upset and I wanted to concentrate on the funeral rather than worry about them. It was very dignified, no weeping and wailing but a lot of laughter actually. They came to the wake as it's more like a party anyway rather than a sad affair. I'd at least let them go to the wake.

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 19:46

I would bring him to the wake as well as the service, but clear off after an hour or so.

ApocalypseThen · 29/04/2012 19:49

Can anyone please explain why children must be shielded from anyone being upset?

Northernlurker · 29/04/2012 19:53

I would respect my husband's wishes tbh as it's his parent who has died. I think you don't like your in laws and you are allowing that to colour your decision. No reason at all why a two year should not go to the funeral of a close family member. So what if you're pregnant. I assume you look after your ds every other day of the year?

I think you need to grow up a bit and try and have respect for people who are grieving even when they may not have acted perfectly towards you in the past. If they get drunk at the wake THEN you can go home. It will take a short amount of time for even the most desperate to get leg less and in that time your ds will provide much joy and comfort.

Or you can be selfish, refuse to involve him and generally further hamper your relationship with those inlaws you have left.

It's up to you.

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 19:54

I've no idea Apocalypse

I would probably want to shield my kids from the later stages of a wake (although to me a wake happens the night before a funeral service) and so would not stay long.

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