Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not want my 2 year old to go to his Grandads funeral?

77 replies

ScouseL · 29/04/2012 16:49

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet but really would like to know everyone's views on this.
My father in law died last week & his funeral is next Tuesday. My husband wants our 2 year old son to go to the funeral. I've managed to get him to see sense that a church service & burial are no place for a 2 year old but he's still insisting that he goes to the wake.
We've not told DS that Grandad is dead. He didn't see an awful lot of him so to be honest I don't think he'll really realise that he's no longer around. (Obviously when he's older we'll tell him & show him photos etc). So I don't want him in a situation where there is likely to be a lot of weeping & wailing (my in laws do like to play up to situations & my m-in-law loves being the centre of attention). My Mum will be looking after DS while I go to the funeral & if he does attend it will mean her doing a 40 min drive to somewhere shes never been before alone (& having to deal with a car seat for the first time!) or me doing the round trip to collect him after the service or my Mum having to entertain DS at the in laws house for the hour or so of the service (none of which I think are fair to my Mum & I'll be 28 weeks pregnant)
The service is at 2.30 so by the time the wake starts I'd imagine it'll be about 4ish which is getting to food, bath & bed time anyway (remembering the 40 min drive home).
So what have other Mnetters done in this situation?

OP posts:

Mollydoggerson · 29/04/2012 19:55

You are pregnant, not ill! The passing of a father is a once in a lifetimne event, please make an effort for your husband's sake. You wont be drinking, you have the excuse of a pregnancy, you can leave early.

Your in-law's may not be perfect, but to be honest you are painting yourself as a little precious.

madmouse · 29/04/2012 19:59

My ds was 18 months when my dear MIL passed away. He knew full well that something was up and kept consoling his daddy. He came to the funeral with us and was fine. Do what you think is best but a sweeping statement that 'a funeral is no place for a 2 year old' is not true IMO.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/04/2012 19:59

Ok, so it sounds like you don't get on with your mil. I get it, I don't like mine either and had to deal with her at my DFILs last week too. But this isn't about her being dramatic, or about you being pregnant and lumbered with dealing with the toddler in a difficult situation, it's about your husband who you live and who wants his son there at his Fathers funeral.

I really think you have to do what your dh wants here, because it will matter to him for a long long time. You only lose your Father once. Put yourself out for him on this occasion, you will deserve him to do the same for you at some point.

ApocalypseThen · 29/04/2012 20:00

I know what you mean, AThing. I'd be the same - as far as I'm concerned, a wake is between the death of the person and the removal to the church, after the body has been brought back to the house. But that's what it is in Ireland, seems it's different in the UK.

Maybe people have a good reason why children must be protected from adults in grief, I'm just not really aware of what it is. Nobody loses their minds! It's not like they become mindless savages or that they terrorise anyone. It's a natural state of life, and hiding it away makes it toxic, in my view.

How can a child learn that their parents have feelings unrelated to them if they aren't allowed to be in the same room when those feelings might be expressed? How will they cope when the time comes that they must go to a funeral if they've been taught that grief is something to fear?

Serendipity30 · 29/04/2012 20:03

Hello OP, I understand your situation as last summer my father died, we where estranged but I attended the funeral I had a lot of family pressure for my 7 year old DD to attend from my extended family, even though she had never met him. I was adamant she would not attend as funerals are difficult for all involved and as they where not close I didn't see the point of distressing her. I think you should follow your instinct and stick to your guns.

AThingInYourLife · 29/04/2012 20:06

Yeah, stick to your guns.

Fuck what your grieving husband wants.

Why does his instinct count for nothing?

suzikettles · 29/04/2012 20:08

I think it should be your dh's call in this instance.

jamaisjedors · 29/04/2012 20:10

Your DH would like to have his son there.

His father has just died.

It will be incredibly hard and he will want YOU and his son there to remind him of what he has still got.

Stop fussing about bedtimes and car seats and just do what he wants for this one horrible day.

thebody · 29/04/2012 20:18

Your dh has lost his dad, your ds has lost his grandad and with that all the memories and love he could have had. Your mil has lost her dh and all you can think about is your mum having a long drive and your ds routine.you have list your fil, words fail me!!!

I lived my mil and fil both sadly dead now and although my older Dcs remember them my youngest dd doesn't so she has lost so much.

You are a class act love, shouldn't u be supporting your dh and your mil rather than bitching about your toddler who wont be affected In Any way by attending a wake.

Your mil is a drama queen, SHE HAS LOST HER HUSBAND!!

littlemefi · 29/04/2012 20:21

My mum died 3 months ago, and my sister 3 months ago and I took my 2 year old to both funerals, but not the wakes. She wasn't perfectly behaved but she brought a few light hearted moments to the services, waving at family and attempting to sing along to the hymns! It didn't occur to me not to bring her to be honest, as I don't want her to be afraid of being sad or to shy away from the fact that it's ok to be upset. I didn't bring her to the wakes as they were likely to be quite long and drawn out. The funeral isn't just about you OP, but about those mourning including your DH and I think you need to see the bigger picture.

Original poster

ScouseL · 29/04/2012 20:22

Thundercat04 - thanks for understanding!
To everyone else - ok, I will take DS as this seems to be the overwhelming opinion.

Must remember to change my name if I come on here again as you have all got me down as the worlds biggest bitch now!

OP posts:

littlemefi · 29/04/2012 20:22

Sorry that should have said my sister 1 month ago.

Northernlurker · 29/04/2012 20:24

OP - honestly yes I had you down as a bitch but as you're big enough to listen and change your mind as you seem to have done then I revise my opinion
I hope the day goes really smoothly for you all and you can all support one another.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/04/2012 20:24

You know, people who disagree with you do understand too. Understanding doesn't mean thinking exactly what you think.

trixymalixy · 29/04/2012 20:26

You are coming across as rather selfish. Glad you have taken on board all the comments though.

thebody · 29/04/2012 20:31

No one thinks u r a bitch, u were unreasonable in my opinion but that's just my opinion, sometimes we all need to vent and get opinions, u either agree or disagree !! We all get flamed on mumsnet but sometimes it helps put things into perspective and it's Like an invisible friend telkung us where to get off... Do hope all goes well for you and dh.

Be nice to mil xx

thebody · 29/04/2012 20:35

Littlemefi so sorry for your loss, life is so shit sometimes, I no that, hugs x

ApocalypseThen · 29/04/2012 20:35

Actually, I often don't agree with people but can see where they're coming from but if the OP's post is an accurate representation of how she feels, I don't understand at all. There's no compassion for her husband or her mother in law, no sympathy for their loss, no distress at their sorrow at all, and no grief for her father in law. She complains about her mother in law being a drama queen putting herself at the centre of everything, but can't see that that's exactly how she's behaving - and worse, she was considering using her child for some really petty power play because, at heart, she doesn't like these people and doesn't care about their feelings at a time like this.

I'd have kinder words for a stranger who lost their father than she expressed for her own husband.

I really hope it is just careless wording.

MrsTittleMouse · 29/04/2012 21:00

Apocalypse - not really related to the OP's situation, but I haven't taken my toddlers to funerals, not because it would be bad for them to see that I'm distressed necessarily. My children know about family members who have died and know that sometimes I get very sad because I miss then. Rather it's because I want to be as selfish, and distressed as I need to be for my own grief, without the burden of looking after small demanding children at the same time. If I can't do that, then I don't see the point of the funeral.

I haven't ever been to a funeral that was "happy to go, was in her mid-90s, had no children and her husband had died years before" though, so that probably colours my judgement. They've all been fucking awful.

Original poster

ScouseL · 29/04/2012 21:07

ApocalypseThen - I have plenty of compassion & sympathy for their loss. And have done a lot to help with the funeral organisation. In fact my MIL can't afford to pay for the funeral at the moment so I'm putting it on a credit card for her until she gets some cash through!
I'm not using my DS for "petty power play". I just don't think that a 2 yr old should be at a funeral. It's what I've been brought up to believe & I haven't attended members of my own families funerals due to looking after my much younger sister.

OP posts:

KirstyJC · 29/04/2012 21:08

I have sadly recently taken a 3 year old and a 1 year old to the funeral of a close family member. It never occured to me not to - it was our family, they are our family, of course they should be there. They were a huge comfort to both me and DH as they gave us something to hang on to when the tears came. It also helped us as although we were saying goodbye to the last member of that generation, we had with us the next members of the newest - reminder that life goes on, people are born, people die - it's all just the way it goes, and I for one found that comforting.

It also means that when they are older and look at family photos, we can tell them they were there.

The little one slept in the sling the whole time and although the 3yo had no clue at all, he was lovely - sat down when he was told, stood when we were singing and generally picked up that the mood was sad so was very well behaved. And we drove 2 hours there and then 2 hours back immediately after (no wake).

We also had our 8yo at a family funeral when he was a little one and again it was lovely - the older people there found it comforting to have something to smile at (well, 2 of them said that anyway ).

I think it is really odd that you would not consider having him there, tbh. How sad.

thebody · 29/04/2012 21:15

It's not 'their loss' it's your loss as a joined family ?? Are you in a loving relationship ? Or not???

Why arnt u paying for the funeral??? That's what u do? Your mil is
' paying u back' ?? Wierd dynamics

oikopolis · 29/04/2012 21:23

it is incredibly strange not to include small children in funeral proceedings. just because your family excludes them, doesn't mean it's a good idea OP.

plus, your family isn't the only one that matters here. really, i think you are in a little bit of denial about the fact that your DS is part of your DH's family, not just your family.

Original poster

ScouseL · 29/04/2012 21:25

Thebody - I'm sorry but why would we pay for the funeral? And we couldn't afford to anyway

OP posts:

Original poster

ScouseL · 29/04/2012 21:28

oikopolis - absolutely not. Of course he's part of their family too.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread