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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Somebody else's cheating husband. Am I wrong to be so annoyed?!

112 replies

babbashouse · 29/04/2012 15:14

So DH and i keep having a row about this other couple, well not about them really, more about the principle of the matter...

We knew this couple, as a couple. DH knew them before me. Last year it transpired the husband had been cheating and was now leaving the marriage for the other woman.

Since then the other woman (younger, thinner than his wife, who I keep pointing out to DH looks older and fatter on account of having carried his two children!) comes to weddings/ parties etc with the 'husband'. Anyway, this puts me out a bit in that I just feel so sad for the wife - why should she be the one who gets cut out of everything so that her husband can parade around his new younger model. DH argues their friendship group was closer to the bloke so he's the one who gets invited to things (despite the fact the wife had been part of the same group for the last probably ten years)

So what's really pushed me over the edge of fury recently is that the husband now has a facebook profile pic of him, his new woman AND HIS TWO KIDS! Aibu to think this is off? Like he's gets to show off his 'family' and just switch the woman in the picture when a new, better model comes along. I just hate that it looks like a nuclear family, but it isn't the nuclear family - that new woman has no business posing as the mother. To top it off, he has then sent messages to us signing off 'husband, new woman, dd1, dd2' - again, as far as I'm concerned, completely inappropriate!

DH says people should be allowed to get on with their lives. I don't know, it just sickens me - the thought of DH not only cheating on me, but then leaving me for new woman and parading her around with my kids, as if they are now the family. AIBU?

Oh, the new woman has also added me as a friend on the dreaded fb. I can't face it. I want her to go away. I feel really strongly about this. I just feel like people/ 'society' should frown more on this sort of thing that they seem to be doing in this situation. Am I completely out of touch?!

OP posts:
Bubbaluv · 30/04/2012 03:53

It's horrible to think that people you consider friends might actually care so little about you that they would not stand up for you under such circumstances. I hope my friends would for me and I know I would for them. YANBU.

Thumbwitch · 30/04/2012 03:56

I understand what you're saying Babbashouse - and many of my friends felt exactly the same as you did when my ex-fiancé ran off with a secretary from work. In fact, I also "won" the lottery of friends - I kept most of them because I was the one who'd always made the effort to see them, including his old group of friends.

He did try taking his new woman around to see them a couple of times but the girls in the group particularly were unimpressed and didn't wish to integrate the new woman into their social circle - and I bless them for their support and loyalty. Many years down the line, I am still friends with these women - and they don't speak to the ex at all.

It still hurt like a punch in the guts when I heard that they had had to meet her (back in the day when I was young and the pain was raw) so I can only imagine what that poor exW is now feeling - I thank my lucky stars I had no DC with the ex because that would have been so painful.

I also understand that you are concerned that your DH is condoning the replacement model and that says more about his attitudes to infidelity and moving on than you'd quite like - you want him to be more horrified and refuse to entertain the new woman because then you'd feel more comfortable that he wouldn't do the same to you - but that's false comfort.
In the end, if someone wishes to leave their relationship for a new partner, any previous sense of moral rectitude goes out the window along with their vows - they're just as capable of hurting their partner as the ones who nod along with it; just more hypocritical.

So I would say stop discussing it - because it doesn't actually matter to your own relationship.
If you don't feel comfortable around the new woman, then either give the social events a miss or don't speak to her more than you have to in order to be civil.
Support the exW more but don't get involved in piggy-in-the-middle stuff if you can avoid it - it gets uncomfortable.

HillyWallaby · 30/04/2012 04:11

Whilst I completely understand that how you feel about this, you being a bit U - sorry! It's sad when this happens, but it happens. He is entitled to have his new family set up as he wants it, and his partner and his children are both important parts of that. It seems he has waited an acceptable amount of time to do the fb photo thing. I agree that personally I find the 'family photo' a bit icky and a bit soon, but I think I am probably in the minority will things like that.

If you don't want her friendship on fb then don't accept her request. If she asks just say 'sorry but it's difficult as I am a good friend of your DP's ex, so out of respect to her it's a no, but thanks anyway.'

Morloth · 30/04/2012 04:18

YANBU to be annoyed, however it isn't any of your business who other people invite to their events.

Having said that you don't need to have anything to do with them if you do see them at social events, be polite but no need to be friendly.

We have dropped a man who cheated on his wife and left their family for another woman, even though he had been DH's friend long before we become 'couple' friends.

As DH said, he didn't just cheat on his wife, he lied and cheated on all the people who thought he was someone else. You don't cheat, if a relationship has to end then it ends, but cheating is just pathetic. People can do what they like and I can choose whether I want to have anything to do with them or not.

Still good friends with the woman and her new partner and all of the associated children.

This is all certainly a problem but it isn't your problem.

busymother1234 · 09/08/2012 03:35

I know of someone who has done the same thing.

The new wife calls me Baagi.

Makes me cringe every time even though its been 8 years.

He disowned his children aswell because of the new woman.

Is it me or is this becoming more common?

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 09/08/2012 03:55

YANBU.

I wouldn't be friends with her. I agree with everything you've said. I would tell her exactly why aswell, and let her know that when the cheating bastard does the same to her, she'll get no sympathy.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 09/08/2012 04:24

YANBU.

The friend request would make my skin crawl. Does she think because the wife's not in the circle any more she gets to take her place in wife's friend's lives too? Confused

I've raised my standards much higher after I left my abusive ex. I want someone who is as disgusted by cheating as I am.

Is the deeper issue that these men you've known for so long are being so lassiez faire about the whole thing? It would disturb me if my mates acted like 'oh well, life goes on. Let's get to know the new chick!'

Not saying they should drop him but I agree with others who say treating it like it was no big deal would upset me too.

mathanxiety · 09/08/2012 04:59

I agree with you and the FB 'family' thing would make me boak. I would snub her friend request.

Are you doing anything to try to keep up with the ex Wife or have you dropped her like a hot potato just because your H has? Are you still in touch with her yourself?

HighJumpingHissy · 09/08/2012 07:41

I'm with you too OP, YANBU

JeezyPeeps · 09/08/2012 07:43

This thread is from April. Just so you know!

JumpingThroughHoops · 09/08/2012 07:45

Op - I'm, going to pull a comment from your OP:

We knew this couple, as a couple. DH knew them before me

This is like our social group. Oddly (I think), in our group, the men all went to primary school together, secondary, played football through their 20's and 30's, and are still close knit in their late 40's/early 50's, play golf etc, have an occasional pint.

The women are the transient creatures. Not now, so much, as we are all settled, but certainly in their 20's.

It doesnt happen often, but when one relationship breaks up it is generally the woman who leaves the group. She isn't forced out, but it wasn't actually her friendship group in the first place, and she chooses to leave the group. She may choose to keep in touch with one or two.

Eventually we get introduced to someones new partner, and I do feel for the NP because we are all so settled and comfortable with each other that it must be like walking into a massive extended family and feeling like an outsider. I remember that feeling well, somehow you are needing to acquire group approval.

This is why I always make a point of being welcoming and nice to new people brought in.

Also our children mix, so at get togethers, I always make a point of asking after someones mum. I say children, all in their late teens/early 20s now. But it makes the point that mum isn't forgotten.

But above all I do maintain other peoples relationships are their business not mine. And unless I'm asked for an opinion directly, I keep my opinions to myself. No one ever knows what goes on in a marriage other than the people in it.

But back to We knew this couple, as a couple. DH knew them before me - these appear to be your husbands friends. Same as our social circle. As much as I like the women in it, I drink with them, go out with them, go to their parents funerals, swap childcare (back in the day) I do remember they are not my friends and if push came to shove, I would be the one to leave that group - same as they would be.

My advice? If you wish to maintain a friendship with the wife do so. But she may not wish to maintain one with you. What the H does is none of your business. Don't let people on your FB you don't know or like.

blueglue · 09/08/2012 07:59

Agree with you op.

It is horrible that he has just been able to essentially photoshop the wife out of his life and the ow in.

I wouldn't socialise with them anymore. I think society has lost all sense of morality when no one bats an eyelid.

Whilst we don't know what went on in the original marriage, we do know that there are 2 children involved and that the h went out cheating. If there are problems, h should have solved them or ended marriage prior to getting involved with ow.

user1494743274 · 14/05/2017 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shitalopram · 14/05/2017 08:21

This thread is 5 years old so the last poster has gone to a lot of trouble to advertise the services of this hacker Hmm

Nocabbageinmyeye · 14/05/2017 08:24

I'd say op has resolved the issue since 2012 Hmm

ZOMBIE THREAD

ApplebyFair · 14/05/2017 08:39

Have reported user 's post!!

Bunnyfuller · 14/05/2017 08:48

They've moved on, you have to too. It's sad, and feels unjust but be happy she's accepting the kids. There's lots of 'two family families' now.

user1489675144 · 14/05/2017 08:58

I personally think your DH is right.
Why have arguments about what another couple have done. It is their life and you really don't know what the marriage was like and the cheating etc. Your husband says he was more in the man's friends group. It is natural for him to bring his current partner to weddings.
You can feel sad for the ex wife but don't put stress on your own marriage by arguing about it.

gren · 14/05/2017 09:11

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

PeanutButterBunny · 14/05/2017 09:19

YANBU. It is a matternof principal, I could never befriend OW. I dont understand how any woman wants to be the OW, where is sisterhood? And you are just creating a vacancy!

CrispyBathTowel · 14/05/2017 09:24

ZOMBIE

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/05/2017 09:26

I think you need to stop getting involved, continuously talking and bitching about it to your dh is going to drive s wedge in your marriage. Mainly because by the sounds of it he is sick of talking about it. Yes the other bloke is very distasteful and yes you should seek out to comfort the wife but I don't think you can expect your dh to 'befriend' him.

Plus if he did that, chances are the wife if much better off without him anyway! She probably want ms to try to move on and rebuild her life, why don't you?

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/05/2017 09:28

Omg gren and crispy oops! Grin

ShowMePotatoSalad · 14/05/2017 09:37

With all due respect you sound a bit obsessed OP. What do you want - for her to be hounded out of the community? You don't like the situation and that's fine, but you need to respect other people's opinions and the fact they are entitled to get on with their lives. If you were to attempt to pursue any kind of vendetta against this couple you could find yourself in trouble. Leave them to get on with their lives and you get on with your's.

LadyPW · 14/05/2017 09:42

I'm with you OP.