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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Somebody else's cheating husband. Am I wrong to be so annoyed?!

112 replies

babbashouse · 29/04/2012 15:14

So DH and i keep having a row about this other couple, well not about them really, more about the principle of the matter...

We knew this couple, as a couple. DH knew them before me. Last year it transpired the husband had been cheating and was now leaving the marriage for the other woman.

Since then the other woman (younger, thinner than his wife, who I keep pointing out to DH looks older and fatter on account of having carried his two children!) comes to weddings/ parties etc with the 'husband'. Anyway, this puts me out a bit in that I just feel so sad for the wife - why should she be the one who gets cut out of everything so that her husband can parade around his new younger model. DH argues their friendship group was closer to the bloke so he's the one who gets invited to things (despite the fact the wife had been part of the same group for the last probably ten years)

So what's really pushed me over the edge of fury recently is that the husband now has a facebook profile pic of him, his new woman AND HIS TWO KIDS! Aibu to think this is off? Like he's gets to show off his 'family' and just switch the woman in the picture when a new, better model comes along. I just hate that it looks like a nuclear family, but it isn't the nuclear family - that new woman has no business posing as the mother. To top it off, he has then sent messages to us signing off 'husband, new woman, dd1, dd2' - again, as far as I'm concerned, completely inappropriate!

DH says people should be allowed to get on with their lives. I don't know, it just sickens me - the thought of DH not only cheating on me, but then leaving me for new woman and parading her around with my kids, as if they are now the family. AIBU?

Oh, the new woman has also added me as a friend on the dreaded fb. I can't face it. I want her to go away. I feel really strongly about this. I just feel like people/ 'society' should frown more on this sort of thing that they seem to be doing in this situation. Am I completely out of touch?!

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 29/04/2012 16:50

Does that make your ds any less his then?

As much as I can see why this would upset you momentarily - surely it's better that your children are considered part of the family as a whole? You'd soon be moaning if you felt they were excluded from the 'new' family Hmm

nkf · 29/04/2012 16:51

It hurt her and she resisted the urge to send a shirty text. Round of applause I'd say.

Paiviaso · 29/04/2012 16:53

YANBU to feel as you do. I personally would ignore her request on Facebook and simply be polite when you see her in person.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 29/04/2012 16:54

I am probably not the best person to be commenting on this, as this is remarkably close to my situation.

I am the wife who seems to have been excluded from the friendship group that we have had for the last decade. He goes to weddings without me, tried to take her with him.

From my side of the situation, I would say that it feels like crap to be excluded, to think that all of your friends are now going to be socialising with the two of them. Whilst I know that there is nothing I can do about it, it would be very nice if some of those friends got in touch with me. If they socialised with me, if they called and said that they were there for me.

That's all you can do, and all that the wife probably expects.

SerendipitousHarlot · 29/04/2012 16:56

Yes, I agree that it was better not to send the text, of course. But just because dc live with one parent, it doesn't make them any the less the NRP's child! I share custody of my ds with my STBXH, but he's still his father.

crescentmoon · 29/04/2012 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustFab · 29/04/2012 17:37

How can she have added you as a friend without you agreeing to it?

I don't think a photo = her posing as the kid's mother. She is with him now so will be around the kids.

JustFab · 29/04/2012 17:38

I really must learn to read all the posts before I post Blush.

vincettenoir · 29/04/2012 17:48

Ynbu to feel angry on this wives behalf but i dont think you can expect your dp to drop his friend. I wouldn't drop any of my friends for cheating on their partners even if I disapproved of what they had done. I know you haven't said that you expected your dp to drop his friend but you said you would prefer it if they were cut from your social circle.

ImperialBlether · 29/04/2012 17:52

I'm with you, OP.

I remember years ago I knew a married couple who had children. They split up; she'd been having an affair with his friend.

He told me that he was at a loss for something to do one weekend (he didn't get to see the children very often - his wife was very creative in making sure of this) and he walked by the park. He could see his wife and her boyfriend (his friend) and the children laughing and playing football together. It was what he used to do at the weekend with his wife and family.

He said he was so upset he was sick there and then. He said it was as though he'd never existed, as though he'd been replaced so completely and forgotten, as though he was nothing.

Awful, really awful.

edam · 29/04/2012 17:54

can you contact the wife and go for a cup of coffee? It's very sad if her 'friends' are dropping her because her husband has left - and are carrying on being bessie mates with the husband and his new woman.

potoftea · 29/04/2012 17:59

I totally agree with youbabbashouse.

As someone said upthread, it is scummy behaviour and as a society we should not be so accepting of this.
If a couple fall out of love, split up, and later get new partners, then whilst sad for them, it is honorable. But a man who cheats is a lying scumbag, and any woman who goes out with a man cheating on his wife, is not worthy of being my friend, so I could not accept her as such.

There is a huge difference between a marriage breaking up and new partners arriving on scene later, and an affair breaking the marriage up.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/04/2012 18:04

Good post Crescent. You have summed up exactly what I feel about this subject.

ledkr · 29/04/2012 18:06

Ah i understand op.I have been in the same situation both ways and its horrible.
I wouldnt waste anymore time arguing about it though your time would be better spent offering her some support i think.
It is sad the way some people treat the parent of their children but you wont change it and remember the ow has to live with a cheating arse herself now.

ledkr · 29/04/2012 18:09

When i say both ways i mean I was the cheated partner and also have known friends cheat and leave out the ex wife iyswim?

DontmindifIdo · 29/04/2012 18:25

I would find it very hard to stay friends with a man who acted like this, and even harder to be welcoming to the OW into the social group. She's shagged someone else's husband and broke up their marriage - that's the first thing I know about her and I'm supposed to be warm and welcoming? God no, she's going to have to prove to me she's not a complete cowbag/slapper, because I am going to judge her and not feel bad at all about doing so.

He also, would not be the person I thought he was so wouldn't be keen on treating him as closely as before - because if you can treat your partner that badly, how shitty are you going to be to me/your other friends (who are less important) when it suits you? A man who can't be loyal to his wife should be treated with suspicion, everything he says should be taken with a good pinch of salt, life is too short to be friends with people who you don't trust.

I'm sure he doesn't think he's untrustworthy. I'm sure they think they are Romeo and Juliet, I'm sure they are selfish self-centred people and therefore crap friends.

ineedamiracle · 29/04/2012 18:35

Seren, the message was one sent to all his contacts (including me) informing everyone of his new address, the address is his - not our son's. I was hurt as he pretends to everyone that we used to know that he is the perfect father (when, in reality - we are both very average parents, trying to recover from being betrayed/betrayer - he knows he devastated our family which must be hard to live with). I think of Christmas cards he must send with all their names on, and then think of the kind gifts received from their families which our son is not allowed to bring home to play with.

I "won" the majority of our friends in the break-up as they were so loyal when asked to cover up their affair by them both (she was my friend who I helped and supported alot as she was a struggling single Mum - little did I know that the roles were about to be completely reversed). I am truly thankful for their loyalty and would hold any one of their hands through hard times.

I will hurt for eternity that exH chose her and her son over me and our son, but I have enough insight into their candy floss pillow world to know that their smiles are just masks.

tinkertitonk · 29/04/2012 18:37

None of your business. Butt out.

Original poster
babbashouse · 29/04/2012 19:33

Thanks tinker! Thanks

OP posts:
Mayisout · 30/04/2012 00:41

The bottom line for me is that it is selfish and often cruel behaviour-(having an affair then going off with new partner as if it was a completely happenstance event) when in fact there's lying and cheating underlying it all.

You can have a second marriage but you can't have a second childhood and the kids must be affected no matter how much everyone tries.

GrahamTribe · 30/04/2012 00:47

Thank goodness someone has some common sense in handling this guy, his partner and their relationship.

All credit to your husband, babbashouse.

Mimishimi · 30/04/2012 02:44

The OW can't add you as a friend on Facebook unless you accept the request. I would feel put out by my DH ignoring the ex-wife for events as well but I do somewhat understand if the friendship was really between him and the man. It would be very uncomfortable inviting both but is it possible that you could invite her to events to which he is not invited? So that she doesn't feel that you have abandoned the friendship?

SodoffBaldrick · 30/04/2012 03:03

I don't think YABU at all, but I'm really surprised - given quite how strongly you feel about all this and the poor original wife - that you haven't stepped up the plate and extended the hand of friendship and solidarity a bit more... Confused

What good is all this futile ranting and raving at the way society is going, condoning the cheating partner, while the cuckolded wife is left out in the cold, when you haven't really extended her more of a hand of friendship yourself?

I mean, I know you say you see her a bit more. But why not do more still for her? It reslly sounds like she needs it, and I bet she'd be so grateful and appreciative. And you know, what goes around comes around. If, God forbid, the worst ever happens, hopefully someone will step up to the plate for you too.

I honestly thought you were going to say that in the wake of all this you'd forged a good, strong friendship with this woman but aside from seeing her a bit more than previously, it doesn't seem like you have. It reads like you're gutted about how such a situation might ever impact on you more than how it is impacting on someone who is actually going through it. Which doesn't paint you in the best light, with all due respect (not meant in a nasty way, honestly).

If this is bothering you as much as you say it is - and as I say, YANBU for it to be bothering you - then do the right thing. :)

Bubbaluv · 30/04/2012 03:26

I'm with you OP.
I would find it very hard to stomach if my friends chose to associate the man in your scenario over the woman. I remember being incredibly proud of my FIL when he told a one-time friend to F-off (in front of a large group of people) because he had left his wife when she was heavily pregnant.
In your situation I would simply say to the other woman that although I don't know her personally, I want nothing to do with her and I'd rather she just stayed away from me as much as possible. I would also male my position clear to bloke.

He made his choices and he should be the one to pay the price for that choice not the woman he left.

Boomerwang · 30/04/2012 03:37

What annoys you more: your friend's xp being seen with a new woman, or your dh's point of view on it? Are you feeling a bit insecure, thinking your dh might just up and do the same thing? Or that he might support what happened?

The last thing you want to do is get involved, and you dare not let it affect your own relationship. You really want one woman to cause so much devastation? I do understand the anger. You feel helpless. You want to bring the xp down to size. You're feeling a bit sickened by the photo of the kids together with them.

Would it have been better if they'd split up and he'd stayed single for a bit? Or if his next gf had been older and bigger? If yes, ask yourself why you'd find that more acceptable.

God knows I'd react EXACTLY the same way as you, but then I'm not currently in that position and so I can be a bit more objective about it.

Stay out of it. If you want to support your friend go right ahead, but don't be drawn into their problems. As for the new woman wanting to befriend you on fb, don't accept it because you'll be reading her status updates and getting more and more wound up. I'm pretty sure she'd understand why she had no response from you and that's her problem not yours.