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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Somebody else's cheating husband. Am I wrong to be so annoyed?!

112 replies

babbashouse · 29/04/2012 15:14

So DH and i keep having a row about this other couple, well not about them really, more about the principle of the matter...

We knew this couple, as a couple. DH knew them before me. Last year it transpired the husband had been cheating and was now leaving the marriage for the other woman.

Since then the other woman (younger, thinner than his wife, who I keep pointing out to DH looks older and fatter on account of having carried his two children!) comes to weddings/ parties etc with the 'husband'. Anyway, this puts me out a bit in that I just feel so sad for the wife - why should she be the one who gets cut out of everything so that her husband can parade around his new younger model. DH argues their friendship group was closer to the bloke so he's the one who gets invited to things (despite the fact the wife had been part of the same group for the last probably ten years)

So what's really pushed me over the edge of fury recently is that the husband now has a facebook profile pic of him, his new woman AND HIS TWO KIDS! Aibu to think this is off? Like he's gets to show off his 'family' and just switch the woman in the picture when a new, better model comes along. I just hate that it looks like a nuclear family, but it isn't the nuclear family - that new woman has no business posing as the mother. To top it off, he has then sent messages to us signing off 'husband, new woman, dd1, dd2' - again, as far as I'm concerned, completely inappropriate!

DH says people should be allowed to get on with their lives. I don't know, it just sickens me - the thought of DH not only cheating on me, but then leaving me for new woman and parading her around with my kids, as if they are now the family. AIBU?

Oh, the new woman has also added me as a friend on the dreaded fb. I can't face it. I want her to go away. I feel really strongly about this. I just feel like people/ 'society' should frown more on this sort of thing that they seem to be doing in this situation. Am I completely out of touch?!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 16:05

Actually OP regarding your 'thrown on the scrapheap' comment.

Would you feel better about it if the new woman was older than the wife or the same age and weight?

Cheating is never excusable imo, but marriages do break up and people do find other partners.

cakeismysaviour · 29/04/2012 16:07

Ok, the new woman being introduced to friends and attending social occasions is ok because she is his partner now, despite the circumstances in which they became a couple.

However, presenting himself, this woman and the children as a family unit is distasteful to say the least, and gives the impression that he feels that his family unit consists of himself, his children and whichever woman is his current squeeze.

nkf · 29/04/2012 16:07

You are right. It's enraging but the message is always move on, don't be bitter, things change, they probably weren't happy anyway...

So yes, you are probably out of touch. I know I am. But that's okay.

Original poster
babbashouse · 29/04/2012 16:10

Actually, I do speak to/ see the wife, not all the time (we're not that close) but probably more than I did before this all happened. The whole thing just makes me really sad. Maybe that is unreasonable, but it's true, and I'd hope others would feel the same for me if the roles - god please forbid! - were reversed.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 16:11

You have to remember as well that this happened last year.

So really, there are going to be photos of them all together and as much as it's still in poor taste....some of those photos will be on facebook just like many other people's.

Toughasoldboots · 29/04/2012 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 16:13

So you're not even close to the wife?

I do feel sad about things like this but I also agree with Misty that you seem to be disproportionately angry about it.

nkf · 29/04/2012 16:13

I think it's a bit early to be writing group cards personally. It seems a bit fraudulent but then I think their whole life is a bit fraudulent to be honest. And I think kids often get draggd in to act as the beard.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 16:14

I wouldn't know if it's fraudulent or not because I don't know how much they love each other and what their intentions for the future are.

I do agree the photos are naff though....but then again so many FB photos are.

ineedamiracle · 29/04/2012 16:16

The last thing I saw on my exH's Facebook account before I blocked him was a picture of exH, OW (who we will call "Tart"), Tart's DS and my beautiful darling son - all smiling happily out of the screen at me...complete devastation Sad

Last year, when I moved into my lovely new house, having picked up the tiny pieces of my heart - I sent a text to anyone who needed to know (including exH) with our new address and contact details. Two months ago, I received the same text back with their contact details on, signed off "exH, Tart, Tart's DS, MY DS, and new baby"......I resisted the urge to text back reminding exH that DS LIVES WITH ME!!

Bastard... Angry

Original poster
babbashouse · 29/04/2012 16:17

misty I am very happily married, but yes I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me worry a bit. I feel we took vows, forsaking all others etc, but that it seems nobody takes them seriously anymore; obviously those who cheat, but also those who react as if it doesn't matter. And no I don't like that, and yes it scares me. This whole thing about his 'rights' - doesn't the wife have the right to be able to trust her husband not to cheat, and doesn't he sign away some of his rights by cheating? If I made the rules than the answer would be yes and yes, but as I say, I'm clearly out of touch, and a bit saddened.

OP posts:
Pooka · 29/04/2012 16:18

Im with op. actually had similar situation with one of dh's oldest school friends who started an affair when his wife (then part of the social group) was 8 months pregnant. Was found out and then did about 6 months of lying, cheating and generally messing friend (wife) around.

In the caseof our group of friends, we have maintained contact with the wife, and not with him. Is sad because he was a good guy, or rather seemed so. Male and female, the rest of us are really sad that he then has gone on to be so spectacularly horrid to his ex wife and their young child. Messing around with contact, hiding money, refusing to pay child benefit, saying he wasnt with the ow and then turning out to have bought a house with her.

Yes, I suppose it is none of our business. But I also happen to believe that in friends we look for people with similar moral framework and general outlook. I think we all feel sad that the old "mike" (not his name) has been replaced by someone we don't really recognise.

He was pissed off that we (dh and I) were unsupportive of him (all came to a head at a barbecue he'd organised at "his" new house, at the time he was telling everyone he was single, when ow opened front door and was clearly the hostess only he'd not told us beforehand). Deleted us from facebook and that's that.

WorraLiberty · 29/04/2012 16:19

But with regards to 'acting like it doesn't matter'.....

What do you want them to do?

Perhaps in their minds they feel exactly like you

Or is it that your DH is reacting like it doesn't matter and that's what's worrying you?

ineedamiracle That is indeed yet another kick in the teeth Sad

crescentmoon · 29/04/2012 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nkf · 29/04/2012 16:22

You could dump him and the new wife.
You might feel a bit happier if you tried to support the wife and not put yourself in your shoes. You do sound distressed but by all means, drop the guy.

Squeegle · 29/04/2012 16:28

It is sad, and if you are present at a couple's wedding, my recollection is that you are all asked to support them in their quest to forsake all others etc.

It does seem sometimes that we are so keen not to be judgemental we run the risk of condoning morally bad behaviour. I understand exactly where OP is coming from.

Having said that, it sounds like the only person you are hurting at the moment is yourself OP. You don't have to approve, you don't have to be her or his friend, but you do have to move on. Sounds like it's too important in your head, don't let it take up that space, and don't let it affect your own relationship- it's not your fight!

Original poster
babbashouse · 29/04/2012 16:29

yes tough, I'm completely shocked by that. If I'd have had to predict I certainly would have thought it would be the other way around - that she'd be surrounded by support and he'd slink off to his new life, shame faced. But apparently he has nothing to be ashamed about...

Yes worra, I suppose it does worry me a bit that dh is so accepting of this. Is that wrong? But that isn't to say it doesn't worry me that everybody is acting like it doesn't matter. What do I want them to do? Well, as I say, I'm not as close to the couple as DH and the rest of the group (I'm a relative latecomer) - what I'd like those who are closer to do is make a point of still making the wife welcome, and maybe, I don't know, if as you say they feel the same way as me, saying so to the husband and/ or wife (I'm sure the wife might feel heartened to know everyone isn't after all thinking 'good on you lad' - as it would seem!) By this I don't mean telling the husband he's scum, but maybe asking for a bit of sensitivity. Somebody upthread said they as a couple had nothing to do with the man who cheated. This would obviously be the ideal for me, as I think it's right.

OP posts:
wolvesdidit · 29/04/2012 16:30

Let your DH be friends with them. I don't think you can really tell him not to be if he was the man's friend originally but I agree with you. It would stick in my craw to be friends with the new woman and I just couldn't do it. Have you contacted the ex wife and offered support/friendship? Have been the dumped one years ago, I was really touched by the people who continued to show friendship to me (and shocked and very hurt by those who buggered off - often not who I would have expected in either group).

Kristina2 · 29/04/2012 16:32

I would feel the same as the op and crescentmoon etc.although i woulndt say anythimg i woudl find it hard to respect such a person again.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/04/2012 16:36

I'm with the OP on this too. I would not accept her fb request and I would refuse to socialise with either of them - being in their presence would make my skin crawl.

I think it's good that the OP feels such anger on behalf of the wife - we could do with a bit more social disapproval of people who behave in scummy way.

I would feel ashamed of my husband if he was happy to socialise with a person who thinks that cheating is okay behaviour.

Kristina2 · 29/04/2012 16:37

BTW i dont think you are the only one . My Dh travels aborad a lot with his work He often encouters colleagues from other companines. There is one guy who is notorious for having prostitutes come to his hotel room and they all look down on him for this . These men are all married/have partners and in their 40s and 50s.

I dont think anyone knows this guys wife, its just that they all thinks hes a knob

nkf · 29/04/2012 16:38

One of my friends refused to befriend my cheating ex and his new girlfriend. I will love her for ever for her loyalty.

Ending a marriage breaks up lots of things including friendship groups.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/04/2012 16:38

It does tend to be that when couples break up, the friends stay with the one they have known the longest.

Hattytown · 29/04/2012 16:47

I'd also be very concerned if my husband and his friends thought it was acceptable to drop someone who'd also been a friend and at the same time act towards the man in this situation as though nothing had happened and he'd done nothing wrong. There's no way round this moral issue - cheating on a partner is wrong. Your husband and his friends can't moralise about the end of a marriage but they can moralise about the way it ended, stand up for what they believe in and suggest some diplomacy and tact while feelings are still so hurt and raw. Posing for happy family pictures on Facebook isn't tactful at all and smacks of rubbing salt into wounds.

You have your own mind though and don't have to go along with either your husband and the rest of the herd. You can ignore or decline the friend request and continue to offer support and friendship to the ex wife. I'd suggest having a conversation with your husband about whether his actions about this are representative of his beliefs that people are disposable and inter-changeable or whether he's too weak-willed to tell his friend the truth.

FreudianSlipper · 29/04/2012 16:49

why do you feel so hurt for the other woman, is this situation bringing up insecurities and fears for you

you do not have to be her friend, you can if you choose not to socialise with them. you can be a friend and support the ex wife, but be a friend not get involve with their drama's and make yourself part of it because you are not

you have no idea what was going on in the marriage, and people separate most of the time someone else is involved, no it is not nice but it happens and people learn to deal with it and move on and for many in the long run things work out better for them.

You seem to me to be far too emotionally involved for someone that is not even a close friend