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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be privately worn out being a 'super mum'?

100 replies

Threerogues · 28/04/2012 17:09

I should preface this by saying I work full time, because we have a large mortgage which has to be paid, I'm the main earner in the family and I'm a partner in a firm which doesn't have a part time option. I love my job but the hours just seem to be getting longer and longer and the juggling is becoming a pain. Twice this week I went in at 5.30am to get work done because I have a team of 12 who all need a piece of me during the day, but that means DH has to do the school run, and two evenings I got stuck meaning DH had to do bedtime. The kids are fab and understand that mum sometimes gets stuck in work but it is full on.

Of course it's not possible to admit to being thoroughly exhausted as there are other partners hovering just dying to reduce my profit share as I've had the temerity to have three children and three maternity leaves (last time to could only take 10 weeks). Nor can I admit it at home as DH is the one making the dinners and carrying the family stuff while I'm off being Ali McBeal.

Sorry to rant.

OP posts:

Imnotbatman · 28/04/2012 17:17

No offence, and I say this as a working mum, but how are you a super mum? It just sounds like you are a worker who isnt doing much mothering.

5318008 · 28/04/2012 17:20

Imnot that is a really horrible thing to say

Would you critiscise a man for working the same hours? Doubt it

Three, you need to reflect on your work, time management, delegation, assertiveness

Imnotbatman · 28/04/2012 17:21

Im not criticising, just saying fro what the OP has described, it doesnt sound like she is super mum. (her term)

5318008 · 28/04/2012 17:21

Look at your contract, job description, review with management team

Anypointinseeingdoc · 28/04/2012 17:22

YADNBU to be knackered but YABVU to use awful terms like super mum.

Original poster

Threerogues · 28/04/2012 17:22

I usually manage to drop off three days and do bedtime most days and if I need to work I log in at 9 pm and work on. You'd be surprised how much mothering gets done, thanks for asking. This week has been unusually bad. But then I don't have a lot of choice.

OP posts:

Kayano · 28/04/2012 17:24

Super lawyer. There are a lot of threads on MN as workaholic fathers.

Surely if you didn't go in early or stay late they couldn't actually sack you?

Imnotbatman · 28/04/2012 17:24

FWIW I dont doubt for a single minute that you are doing all the mothering that we all do....it was just the description in your OP, thats all :)

Anypointinseeingdoc · 28/04/2012 17:24

Why can't you admit you are knackered to your DH?

Proudnscary · 28/04/2012 17:24

Wow the balance is all wrong - and I say this as a mother who works FT

I take kids to school every single day - it's in my contract and I too have a very 'big job' though admittedly without such long hours (MD of creative agency)

I would not, btw, call myself a supermum even though I do not have a second to myself because it's cringey to call yourself that and most mums are run ragged whichever way their family works!

fivefoottwowitheyesofblue · 28/04/2012 17:24

Wow Imnot - very harsh and undeserved.

Don't beat yourself up OP. Can you get a cleaner/some one to do ironing to free up a bit of time. As long as your DH is supportive it should not matter which one of you is doing the evening routine. Much better the DC have one of you rather than kids club/ after school club etc.

Chippychop · 28/04/2012 17:25

You're doing your level best I reckon. Regardless the mother always has to take on motherly duties even when they work ft. You can't escape it IMO. Do you have a cleaner/ childminder etc to help
Ease the burden!

Original poster

Threerogues · 28/04/2012 17:25

I was issuing the term super mum with a touch of irony chaps, in the sense that I have colleagues who describe me as 'super mum' but they haven't got a clue of course.

OP posts:

BigBoobiedBertha · 28/04/2012 17:25

Doesn't sound like it is the mothering that is the issue but the job. Your DH is looking after the children and I am sure they are fine but it does sound like you don't get to spend enough time with them.

Actually I would criticise a man for working those sorts of hours. DH would if he had the chance but I do what I can to make sure that he tries to retain some sort of balance for his sake as well as the DC.

You need to find some way of sorting out your job. and agree with 5318008 on that.

But YANBU to moan. It sounds no way to live in the long term.

Imnotbatman · 28/04/2012 17:27

Ah, I hear that threerogues, as a fellow working mum I get that too. Im just trying to keep my head above water.

eggyblackett · 28/04/2012 17:28

Firstly ignore Imnotbatman.

I think you need to think seriously about what you want. You do have choices that you could exercise e.g. leave, reduce your share in the partnership etc. I always think situations where you have no choice are grim, but fortunately you do have choices available to you.

I do sympathise - my job is FT and demanding - and I know that feeling of exhaustion.
Any chance of taking a holiday to get some perspective? What does your DH think?

nooka · 28/04/2012 17:28

It sounds to me that your parenting model as a family is that you have more of a traditional 'father' role and your dh more of the 'mother' role. In my own family we have worked like this at times (for example right now dh is a SAHD), and I don't see it as problematic, so long as it works for you all.

With work I'd be looking at whether you are delegating appropriately. Do all 12 of your team report to you (way too many if so)? Can you give any of them more responsibility so that they aren't all coming to you all the time?

jamaisjedors · 28/04/2012 17:29

Yes I know what you mean. How old are your DC?

Until DS2 hit 4 I honestly thought I would die from working full-time (we both do) and dealing with the DC (incl. bf DS2 for years...).

One time I admitted to a friend that I was exhuasted, and she said, "oh, I thought you were super-woman, doing it all" (sheis a SAHM).

I see you have Three DC - wow - I said after DS2 and 2 maternity leaves of 12 weeks that I would take a year if I had a 3rd child - that first year is SO hard.

AlpinePony · 28/04/2012 17:31

YANBU - I have a toddler, an 11 week old, am setting up my own business, back to work ft in 4 weeks and have a horse.

I wouldn't have it any other way! :)

Imnotbatman · 28/04/2012 17:33

Its s shame there is no way you can alter your work patterns/hours OP. If you read back on your OP, it reads as though the problems are all due to the job rather than your being a mum/having to do all the mum things?

chezchaos · 28/04/2012 17:36

Is it essential that you maintain a house with a large mortgage? Would you want to change career? I don't want either DH or I to work ourselves to death or miss spending time with the children so we both work PT; the flipside is that our house isn't as large as we'd like but the mortgage is affordable.

jalopy · 28/04/2012 17:38

Alpine, you might find a car easier.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2012 17:42

Your problem is not having a work/life balance and I doubt whether between work and home you have any time at all for 'you'. Any grandparents, friends who would give you time off?

RedHotPokers · 28/04/2012 17:49

jalopy PMSL!

OP you need to decide how important your job and the money it brings in is.
Its impossible to have it all.

Mosman · 28/04/2012 17:49

A cleaner is an essential, I have one once a fortnight and it stops environmental health closing us down.
I think you have to spend some of that cash making your life easier, dry cleaners, cleaner, laundry services whatever it takes.

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