To be privately worn out being a 'super mum'?

[Threerogues]

I should preface this by saying I work full time, because we have a large mortgage which has to be paid, I'm the main earner in the family and I'm a partner in a firm which doesn't have a part time option. I love my job but the hours just seem to be getting longer and longer and the juggling is becoming a pain. Twice this week I went in at 5.30am to get work done because I have a team of 12 who all need a piece of me during the day, but that means DH has to do the school run, and two evenings I got stuck meaning DH had to do bedtime. The kids are fab and understand that mum sometimes gets stuck in work but it is full on.

Of course it's not possible to admit to being thoroughly exhausted as there are other partners hovering just dying to reduce my profit share as I've had the temerity to have three children and three maternity leaves (last time to could only take 10 weeks). Nor can I admit it at home as DH is the one making the dinners and carrying the family stuff while I'm off being Ali McBeal.

Sorry to rant.

Of course you're allowed to admit to being exhausted.

The bigger question is, do you actually want to continue this way of life? Is your job and/or the money it brings to the family important enough for you to carry on being exhausted and missing bedtimes/school runs? Only you can answer that question, there is no right or wrong answer. But it is ok to say to your DH "can we talk about downsizing" if that is what you would prefer.

btw I know you know this, but missing school runs and bedtimes does not make you a bad or inadequate mother. You are earning money which will give your children more choices and opportunities - this is something fathers are admired for, it makes me cross that WOH mothers aren't given the same credit!

Imnot You sound really sour. Why tell her she's not doing much mothering? She's doing as much parenting as anyone male or female does in her position. OP is the main earner, her DH does the school run and after school care. She needs to remain in this job if the bills are to be paid. She does what a lot of main male earners do every day. Her DH does what a lot of mothers do.

OP, I'm sorry you're finding it hard. Rant away!

YANBU to feel like that: I'm in a not dissimilar position, though I don't suppose I earn as much as you do (I work for a charity). I've had a shocking week at work during which I managed to forget to eat at all between Tuesday lunchtime and Wednesday evening, and only twigged when I was wondering why I was quite so hungry as I was coming home on Wednesday night.

YABU not to admit to your DH that you're worn out, though. We've only got DS (I think I might throw myself under a bus if I had three to cope with!) and I freely admit to DH that I'm at the end of my tether if things are going really wrong.

Second everything that minipie just said,

It doesn't sound too bad to me if you can do the school run three days a week and most bed times. Work requiring all of your facilities is tiring, but hopefully satisfying too. I have to be out of the house at 6am for not a lot of money and can barely handle bedtime if DH isn't home, but I still prefer to work.

Not being dismissive though! You should definitely be able to have your exhaustion recognised and if need be consider other options.

op any mum that works as you describe and manages homelife,to me you are a supermum and anybody else that has that life

im not suprised your exhausted YANBU

Threerogues, I feel for you.

What is your long term plan? Are you hoping to get to a stage in your career where you will have more time to be with your children? or is this just the way it is and you are letting off steam, but will be fine tomorrow?

I had a high power career and couldnt hack it, so career changed. I admire my ex colleagues who carried on, but I couldnt.

I guess you need to evaluate your lifestyle and how it is working for you and your family?

I think Op meant "supermum"
in that she isn't doing either to her satisfaction and using the tabloid expression ironically
rant away , OP, I'm with you all the way.. when ur job has a format that can't be changed and you are trained for that and love that job, it's a tough one
The only option would be going down to three days/ job sharing if others are willing to step in that role

OP, of course you are allowed to rant. Ignore the bitchy posts that don't add anything.

First thing, of course you are allowed to admit to being knackered! In fact I encourage you to be open and admit you're knackered. It will be a reality check for you and everyone else. why are you trying to protect your dh from the realities of life? Is he knackered too? If not, why not?

Then you need to change your mindset and get selfish about your time with your dc. See everything you do as either helping you spend quality time with your dc or taking away from time with your dc. The latter is to be nipped in the bud the former is to be encouraged.

You need to be organised at home and if possible buy in help. Now is not the time to be precious about getting help, or lack of privacy. My cleaner comes in twice a week, gardener once a week, window cleaner fortnightly and handyman monthly. It means we don't spend time doing "chores" but spend it with the kids. You should also think about an au pair/mothers help or a housekeep or a nanny (which is what we have). Again, just takes the "chores" away from running a house and means your time with your dcs is maximised, especially at weekends.

At work, you need to set boundaries and be more selfish. After I had dc1, I gave my PA strict instructions that all internal meetings were to last no more than 30 mins. Its amazing how much more efficient people are when they know they have got 30 mins to get stuff done. Also don't allow people to upward delegate and stop holding people's hands through everything. Believe me you will free up more time. Be really efficient in your diary. I am pretty much permanently back to back but it means that my juniors have raised their game because if they bring in something half arsed to see me, I am not going to sign off and they don't know when they will get in my diary next (the reality is there is always lee-way but they don't know this). Finally make use of technology. Don't go into the office at 5.30am, do stuff from home then do your morning school run (if that's what you do) and work in the evenings when the kids have gone to bed.

The food thing? Batch cooking is your friend for the weekdays, eat out maybe once during the weekend (nothing fancy) and if you "buy-in" help they can cook for the kids.

The other partners wanting to nibble at your profit share. Yup, that's normal. Ignore it. Remember your worth. Why do they need you? If you carry those two/three usps about you in your head, its very easy to remember that they need you and not to panic that if you show any signs of weakness you're a gonner, as I bet that's not true at all. Good luck, hope this helps!

For the main breadwinner to be able to do 3 drop offs and most bed times is quite unusual these days.

How does your DH feel about the situation?

If you aren't happy with the situation then you can change it - downsize and reduce your shares. At least you have those options. There are many parents out there working their tails off, doing all kinds of horrible hours for much, much less money and with much less support.

I understand you are knackered, you aren't alone in that. Talk to your DH, he's a grown up, he doesn't need protecting from your feelings.

good advice from novice and I second getting some after school care with a housekeeper for you to have more time with the dc

Novice -I think that's a great post.

I totally agree with you OP. Like you i only had 12 weeks maternity leave!

I leave the house at half 7, get back at half 6. Then tis bath and bed time for DD, tea and shower for me, then bed!

Its awful during the week that i hardly see her and missed the first time she rolled over, but if i want a career, i want a life and i dont want to give it up. & quite simply being a SAHM wouldnt be for me.

Great post Novice. I'm just going back to work, and think I'm going to print it out and stick it up on the wall as a guide to surviving the next few months!

Threerouges - sound as if we have parallel lives. I am the primary earner, have a similarly high-stress job which involves very long hours, going part-time etc. is not an option, and I've had very short maternity leaves (I am self-employed so didn't get maternity pay, just SMA). I also work in an industry which I would describe as casually sexist/ endemically sexist and if I ever have a difficulty for childcare/ child health reasons I simply do not mention the kids and instead provide a different reason for absence/ delay. E.g. DD in hospital overnight a couple of weeks ago and I had to cancel a meeting the following day, but said it was a medical matter for me instead to avoid the inevitable assumptions (honestly - I have heard so many awful comments about working mums over the years).

I'm guessing from the Ally McBeal ref that you're in a law firm and unfort I know the culture doesn't lend itself to part-time options. I know a lot of mothers who've been inexplicably passed over for partnership/ had appalling comments (e.g. upon returning full-time and working your kind of hours being asked at a review "how their ambitions have changed since having children" - WTF?! /got a grudging agreement to do a 9-day fortnight which basically involves a 10% salary cut, the same workload, and a loss of status, etc. You of course have nuclear options - e.g. leaving the firm and going inhouse - but understandably you want to stay on your current career path. It's about relieving some pressure so that you can do that without losing your sanity, and in a way that allows you to feel you are having enough time with your family.

Of course it would be great if you could delegate more, reduce your workload, etc. but assuming that is not an option surely there are still things you can do to make things more manageable. You work remotely in the evenings you say, after 9pm. Can you do that in the mornings as well? I often get up at 5.30am to do 90 mins work before the kids get up. When they are up at 7 I either have breakfast with them and then go to work (when DH is doing drop off) or I have breakfast with them and bring them to nursery before heading to work (on one of my days - get to work about 9.30 but as I've already been working earlier that's fine). Getting the work done before breakfast is great and I am guessing that if you are in the office that early you could do this work remotely - presumably your team aren't in and working at that time?

I agree with others about taking as much pressure off as possible, e.g. cleaner etc.

Imnot - your messages are very nasty. Even when pulled up on your first one (accusing the OP of not being a real mother FFS) your response was to say 'I'm not criticising but...' Of course you were criticising! Do you honestly think telling someone they are 'not doing much mothering' is not critical? What you said was hurtful and completely unjustified and you are rightly getting a hard time for it. OP - ignore Imnot - I am sure s/he does not reflect the majority of people reading your post who will recognise that you're doing a great job in very difficult circumstances and you badly need to have a break.

Novice - great post. Completely agree. And batch-cooking is great - I know your DH is handling dinners, OP, but you're obviously feeling guilty about that and batch-cooking together on a Sunday night could help with that. We've started doing that and it definitely helps.

Good luck.

xx

chipping.. what other people are struggling with shouldn't be used to make the OP feel guilty about recognising she is finding something difficult and trying to work towards a solution

why don't you want to admit to your DH that you are tired? Do any of the male partners have DC? I doubt that they apologize to their wives if they can only do bedtime 5 evenings out of 7. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Your choice to work how you work. As a partner you do have a choice. You could reduce/vary your hours, work from home etc etc. If your team of 12 all need a piece of you every day then it sounds as if you aren't keen on delegating or training.

If you can work from home at 9pm you can certainly work from home one or two days a week which would help you to do the work you need to do.

If you are billing and collecting as normal then there is no way they can reduce your profit share.

My DH works the type of hours you describe in his "big" job. As the SAHP, I do "bedtime" most nights of the week....and breakfast and the school run and after school activities....My thought is that when one partner is a "top" lawyer, engineer, doctor etc. the other person has to be willing to put in long hours as well. Just sayin'

Don't feel you can't say anything to your husband - the male partners will be whinging to their wives, you know!

Unfortunately unless you are prepared to radically change your lifestyle ie downsize/move and give up high powered job or your DH can become the breadwinner, sadly I don't think you've got much choice. Assuming you earn well make sure you have a cleaner and take your holidays (& actually switch off).
Incidentally we downsized after becoming disheartened at our lack of family time due to long hours and now both work PT & share childcare: 90% of the time it's great, but that last 10% stressing about paying the bills really isn't fun.

dropping off 3 days a week and bedtime most days seems quite a lot.... if you flipped it the other way round and h was dropping off 3 days and doing bedtimes.

what does dh do?
how long is the situation going to last re mortgage, ie can you move/reduce payments/foresee an increase in salay so you can pay off a lump sum and reduce payments and hours? (looks for flying pigs)
is it worth it? (only you can answer that one...) what can you change to make it worth it?

ps some people do not seem to understand the inverted comma

novice andlondaon seem to have good advice

Is it worth it?