To be privately worn out being a 'super mum'?

[Threerogues]

I should preface this by saying I work full time, because we have a large mortgage which has to be paid, I'm the main earner in the family and I'm a partner in a firm which doesn't have a part time option. I love my job but the hours just seem to be getting longer and longer and the juggling is becoming a pain. Twice this week I went in at 5.30am to get work done because I have a team of 12 who all need a piece of me during the day, but that means DH has to do the school run, and two evenings I got stuck meaning DH had to do bedtime. The kids are fab and understand that mum sometimes gets stuck in work but it is full on.

Of course it's not possible to admit to being thoroughly exhausted as there are other partners hovering just dying to reduce my profit share as I've had the temerity to have three children and three maternity leaves (last time to could only take 10 weeks). Nor can I admit it at home as DH is the one making the dinners and carrying the family stuff while I'm off being Ali McBeal.

Sorry to rant.

I wouldn't sell the house - not in this market. Great idea about over paying the mortgage, if you can. That will alleviate some financial pressure in the future.

I think you are doing a bit too much at home, if I'm honest. My dh works long hours too and very rarely does bath time and bedtime. If he is working from home, he manages a couple of morning drop offs (for our older two dc, who are in school quite early), but that only takes about 5 minutes in the car. As the sahm I do all the packed lunches, breakfasts and organising of the dc. I'm not saying that he does nothing - when he is at home, we share a bit more evenly, but if the wohp is bringing in lots of money then the deal is that the sahp takes on more responsibility than if their partner did a 9 -5 job.

I think the hours you've described are typical of a career, as opposed to a job. Long term, you have to decide if this is the career you want. If so, then I think these hours will remain typical unless you actively do something to change them. The thing with a decent career, is that there is always more work you could be doing - there is never a 'finish' point. You have to work out a way of doing your job, but without dedicating your entire life to it. For me, that might include the delegation to your team, as suggested upthread. It would also include a commitment to be home on time once or twice per week, or not working at weekends.

Don't feel guilty though - you are providing a nice life for your family.

What you've written could easily have been written by my DH and probably millions of other husbands up and down the country. You're the main breadwinner - this is your life. You feel guilty for not being their for your kids and saddling your DH with more than you feel you should, but you're only doing what your role requires, which is to put your job first Mon-Fri. I think, above all, you need to cut yourself some slack. You say that you need this job and salary to pay your mortgage and that other partners are hovering, waiting for you to slip up. You have to try and separate your motherly guilt from the reality of your life. I bet if you were a man you wouldn't feel so bad. I know my DH doesn't.

I think being honest with your DH about how you feel is the way to go and ditch the guilt as much as possible. Its pointless - doesn't help anyone and just makes you feel bad.

Just make the best of it between you.

Plenty of parents go through phases of having to do what they have to do not what they want to do. I don't waste much time worrying about being a single parent (I worry about the practicalities of course sometimes), this is the way it is and we get on with our lives. I discuss with DS when he asks why he doesn't have a dad at home and don't deny that makes things tougher for him. But really we are very lucky in many ways as are you and those of us who are lucky enough to have healthy families and enough money to pay the bills can at least take comfort in that.

On another tangent, if this exhaustion has been creeping up on you, when was the last time you had a medical?

Can you get a cleaner who takes all laundry to the laundrette once a week then deals with it when she brings it back.

Sorry if a cleaner has already been suggested. I've lived overseas a bit and often you pay someone to do stuff, garden/ laundry /ironing /cleaning/ childmind so you can go to the gym/ cook meals.

The attitude is often that the cleaner or whatever is wanting a job. Why not make your life easier if you aren't penny-pinching?

Ooops. Just read Novice's post and see this has been covered.

AW rant away OP
didi not see re negative equity

sorry about partners hovering like sharks, tis always the way

hang on in there

but try and be vvvv econimical with hours as you sound VERY TIRED

OP, if you're the main breadwinner in a demanding job, you need to stop worrying about what you can't do with your DC. As long as someone who loves them is doing it they will thrive!!

You can't be all things to all men.

YANBU and you're definately not alone... i've been back at work since DD was 8 weeks, doing 50+ hour weeks, overnight travel etc etc but i pay all the bills and OH has been able to stay at home. I feel guilty (and tired!) at work, and guilty and tired at home. I feel like I don't quite meet expectations at either.

I'm trying to clear my head by using the hour i normally sit in rush hour traffic to go to the gym then drive home when its quieter. I need to manage my time better and use the flexibility i have at work to my advantage. Just need to find the energy to put my plans into action... you have my sympathies!!

It all just feels like a shitty compromise sometimes. Damned if you do,damned if you don't. I don't have a 'big' job, but I do work FT, don't think I could cope with any added pressure tbh.

All mothers (I know fathers work hard as well) have a special sympathy from me. Bashed and slated whatever we do!

Doing the school run and doing bed time every night is, IMO, entirely incompatible with the type of professional responsibilities you have. Big breadwinner jobs are not designed to allow you to do school run and bed time and by trying to do it all, you are overstretching yourself.

OP, DH is also senior in a large law firm and there is no way he could do the school runs and bed times. But he wouldn't feel guilty.

I do it. And that's good enough for him.

Trying to do everyhting and be everyone is a game with no winners.

My DH often works your sort of hours. He never does dropoffs or bathtime.

Hi OP, I used to have similar issues. Admittedly, I was probably nowhere near as senior or well paid as you but the issues were there. I was on a fast-track and very highly regarded in my company. After having my daughter 4 years ago, I tried to continue as I had previously done (long hours so last minute collection of DD from childminder, intensive, exhausting schedule etc) and realised that I was running myself ragged. After a couple of bouts of depression (I felt like both a pseudo parent and pseudo employee), I decided to reevaluate my life. I still earn what I used to but took myself off the fast-track. I haven't been promoted since (this was 2 years ago) but genuinely don't care. I am in the office at 7:30am each day (I commute to the City) and leave at 3:50pm 4 days a week.

I can honestly say that I've never been happier. We've had to make 'sacrifices' (it's a relative term before anyone pounces on me!) due to my not getting any promotion or increase; no fancy holidays (we rather enjoy camping now!), few new clothes or new/nearly new cars. We certainly can't afford a cleaner, gardener or anything like that but so our house and garden aren't immaculate - we're not really that bothered! We very happily bumble along and I feel so much better mentally and a far better parent. I am now pg with DS1 (22 weeks along) and this balance that I have in my life is making my pregnancy a real walk in the park so far.

I appreciate that you can't sell your house but drawing a line in the sand with the other partners sounds like it's becoming necessary. Regardless of what other posters think, if even as a very senior employee doing more pick ups and drop offs is important to you, then look to see what you can do to make it happen.

Good luck to you.

FashionEaster makes a good point about medical. Or just generally feeling exhausted because not getting enough sleep, drinking a bit too much, maybe slightly anaemic? These kind of things can make a huge difference, maybe not the situation itself, but whether you feel you can cope with it. Take a bit of time to look after yourself and not think frantic thoughts! Easier said than done, I know. Hope you're having a better week OP.

Three rogues I feel your exhaustion .

I too am the main breadwinner , as dh just retired from one job, but can't get another until after the Olympics due to my basically bring forced to work pretty much constantly for those 8 weeks . This weekend due to the shift pattern and me being forcibly transferred to somewhere inaccessible to weekend public transport , I drove 100 miles each way , at 4am , got there for 6.30 , did my tour of duty , then drove back again . I'm knackered . And tonight I do 3 hrs each way on public transport for night duty .

Dh and I have had a conversation this very morning about getting help , because even with everyone helping , including the kids , not everything can get done .

I however refuse to feel guilty , because at the moment this is a necessary evil . I just can't afford to feel guilty , and downsizing simply isn't an option due to the size of the tribe . Not if I value my sanity anyway . I'm just gritting my teeth for the next two years until I can move .

just another obvious thought regarding e whole bathtime bedtime thing - can they take a shower every other evening?

Had to do this recently as I was ill, and they survived!!

Takes some of the hassles out of an evening when youre tired and just want the kids to get to bed! x

No one ever advises the male partners that they should be doing bedtime, it is just expected that their wives do it.

Not necessarily their wives, but someone else. Partnership and primary caring duties are not compatible.

Have skimmed to try and see if your DH is a "stay at home" dad or not or whether he too is working (apologies if I've missed the answer somewhere) but if he is, please don't beat yourself up about it - I do lots of "bedtimes" and bath times and school drop offs and pick ups - this is understandable as I am a stay at home "mum" - and there's a logistical reason for that!

If he too works but differently/locally/less hours etc - you say "main earner" not "only earner" so I'll assume he too is working - well, its unfair if he's getting the really raw end of the stick so to speak and his employer is losing patience, but if its basically working and he's okay with it for now, then you can ride it out a bit?

Would an au pair or something be an option or a hindrance?

Hope it levels out for you a bit. I hear you about the Partner in the law firm thing - having come from one of the magic circle firm's I know that its not simply a case of "look at your contract" or "they can't fire you" etc etc when you are an equity partner.

tatty out of interest, what do you do now?

It's not a good situation. But it isn't a good situation to be in regardless of which parent is doing it. I work FT but I don't tend to stay much after 6 and I never get to work before 8.50 because I have to drop DS2 at school. Life was harder when I had 3 primary or younger children - much much harder! I have to remind myself of that sometimes when I start to feel sorry for myself. I frequently work evening and weekends from home - but that has the advantage of being around my children. In my job as long as the work gets done no-one cares about presenteeism or being 'clubbable'. Thank fuck!

Rant away if it helps!

I wouldn't say the problems are due solely to the job. The OP has admitted herself that they need the money for their large mortgage.

The problems in my opinion are caused by a combination of everything - an expensive house, three children, a well paid, professional career, a husband who may not be pulling his weight. Who ever said that it would be easy to have everything?

Threerogues you need to stop feeling guilty, pay for as much help as you need, and only do the fun things with the children.

Threerogues

You don't need the big mortgage and the oak-leaf cluster job.

Really, you don't.

You could downsize.

DH and I both earn relatively similar amounts (I've caught up over the years, and his dropped more than mine in recent-er years). But as his job is in a sector that is very vulnerable at the moment, he has to do a lot to keep his job (including living abroad 3 weeks out of 6 for the past year). Meanwhile, my job is secure, has a guaranteed pension - and is also making a difference to people in the current climate. So lots of pressure on me to get things done.

I cannot voluntarily leave my job as that is the secure income. Whereas DH won't leave his until he has a new one or is made redundant.

And I am the one struggling to keep it all together at the minute. We have an au pair since he started working overseas (he works FT when here too), and she does the morning dropoff (which is generally DH's responsibility) and I keep doing the evening collection. The AP has started to collect 3 evenings a week as it suits DD and AP - earlier collection and hometime. And the AP keeps the house generally clean (I had had a cleaner in once a fortnight before she arrived which I dropped), as the childcare is not too onerous. I kept the afterschool club in creche going as DD likes the activities there, and what I NEED the AP to cover is the mornings - anything else is a bonus but I don't want her getting overloaded with evenings too and leaving us in the lurch.

It's hard, very hard, with people pulling in all directions. I had a day off yesterday after a full on weekend (I sat down both days after 9pm, apart from meals). I had to bring DD to an appointment which effectively took all morning, and I ended up doing a LOT of other little errands which took all afternoon. On top of getting a guilt trip about "was I going in to work for the afternoon?" so that she could come home straight from school. I have put on 2 stone over the past year, as I cannot get out enough to exercise and I am then comfort eating when I DO get to sit down well after 9pm at night (when I aim to be in bed by 10 as I am up before 7) and getting guilt from DH as I don't ring him early enough either (I'm runnig around getting everything done most nights).

I just want a full weekend off to myself to recharge! And now I am told that our long weekend (traipsing between his and my parents houses - which would be ok if spread over the 3 days as we'd get a few hours of quiet time in there) is now reduced to an overnight (and that involves me driving 320 miles round trip before you even add in the driving when we are there, with the 2 houses 15 miles apart and at least 2 round trips will be expected there).

Soory for the hijack, rant over