To be privately worn out being a 'super mum'?

[Threerogues]

I should preface this by saying I work full time, because we have a large mortgage which has to be paid, I'm the main earner in the family and I'm a partner in a firm which doesn't have a part time option. I love my job but the hours just seem to be getting longer and longer and the juggling is becoming a pain. Twice this week I went in at 5.30am to get work done because I have a team of 12 who all need a piece of me during the day, but that means DH has to do the school run, and two evenings I got stuck meaning DH had to do bedtime. The kids are fab and understand that mum sometimes gets stuck in work but it is full on.

Of course it's not possible to admit to being thoroughly exhausted as there are other partners hovering just dying to reduce my profit share as I've had the temerity to have three children and three maternity leaves (last time to could only take 10 weeks). Nor can I admit it at home as DH is the one making the dinners and carrying the family stuff while I'm off being Ali McBeal.

Sorry to rant.

malheureuse - try reading what I actually wrote - I said she was lucky to have the choices she has compared to others that do not - the same as many other posters have said, but you didn't feel the need to direct a post at them . Anyone that posts that she is worn out being 'supermum' when in fact she has a DH that does a lot of the domestic stuff probably needs to have a few home truths pointed out to her. There are many women doing a full time job and bringing up kids on their own... far more worthy of the 'supermum' title IMO

Life is a set of compromises. It is hard to have children, a husband and a career. Its almost like trying to square the circle.

Pehaps you and husband need to decide what you want out of life. Are you both happy? Does the grass look greener on the others side? Do you actually want the mundrane drugery of looking after three small children?

downsize?

smaller mortgage, less pressure on you to support so much financially?

but if your DH and DC are fine with your workload, then i cant see what problem is

plus sounds like deep down you do relish your status ad how hard youve worked to get there

am sure your DH is proud of you too

maybe you need some sleep and a good dinner to recharge this weekend for a little bit?

DH is the earner - similar sounding job - partner in big law firm. He certainly admits it to me when he's knackered ( and me to him ). It sounds like you are being pretty hard on yourself. Of course you're not being unreasonable to feel worn out. If you usually make it home for bedtimes then that's pretty impressive. He used to be regularly after 9pm, often later until we sat down and decide it wasn't how we wanted family life to be ( actually I think I may have said there may not much of a family after 10 yrs if it carred on like that...) Now he gets up 5.30am 3 days a week so he can be at his desk by 7am that way he finds he gets a clear 2 hours before everyone else arrives making demands on his time and he is usually home by 7pm so he sees the children then. He's much happier.

There's no easy answer and what works for one may not work for someone else but sometimes it is possible to rethink things to get what you want. What do you want? eg Are mornings more important to you than bedtimes?

NO idea, non of us do ....juggle juggle the kids dont really care I would think they would rather have a fullfilled parent than a bitter and twisted one who gave up their career and could only afford to feed them tinned mushy peas.

Is your DH actually pissed off at your long hours? If not, then I think you're entitled to have a moan to him!

My DH works similar hours to you and I do the mornings/school run with three kids as well as every bedtime (as he's not back till 8pm) and I still teach p/t. He's allowed to moan if he's tired-as am I.

chipping .. I had already read it, thanks.

My DH also is in a similar profession. Our DC are bigger now (14 and 17). DH has always worked gruelling hours, in the early days because he was building his career, and now because he loves it and has quite a reputation. I was a SAHM for the first 8 years going back to work when the dc were bigger. I did everything at home - everythin. That was my side of the bargain. I went back to work 8 years ago and work fulltime but my fulltime is very much 9-6 (tops). However, I still do all the home stuff (admittedly with lots contracted out to cleaner, handyman, ironer, etc.) and we have over the years contributed equally to our relationship and bank balance security.

It has been tough at times but I think you need to let your DH know just how stressful your job is and that you are exhausted. If he isn't pulling down the same money and if his hours are shorter then it is his duty to pick up more of the slack.

Life with a lawyer is a partnership in many ways OP. Ours paid off because we both took an equal if different load in relation to our lives.

I had a job like that. I gave it up. No amount of cash/status seemed worth it given the trade off (hardly ever seeing the kids).

I still work ft but in a v family-friendly environment. Do all drop-offs/pick-ups & bed-times.

I am single so no dh back up and I can't pretend it's always easy, but I do feel sure it's the right way for kids & me, at this time.

I think the key is to feel confident in your choices. If on the whole you are happy with your situation, then ft work is probably the right choice for you. But if this feeling of being spread too thin becomes persistent, it is probably time to re-think the arrangement.

SELL THE HOUSE.

Whats the point in all this stress? When do you get to relax and enjoy the hard earned fruits of your ALL your labours - you kids and your house? Its crazy when we pretend that having children doesnt radically alter our lives - they should! We end up having to shoe horn them around our careers which we bust our asses off to begin. Im going back to work in a few months, totally dreading it, feel that it will wreck our family machinations - and feel slightly resentful that I dont have a choice. You are a partner, you have certain choices not open to everybody - you should at least try to work from home or stick to the hours like novice said.

I agree, sell the house and get a cheaper one and enjoy life.

Are you a partner at a City firm? If so, it sounds as though this comes with the territory. No one really questions a man doing these hours and not seeing his kids (though the men might), but as a woman you probably feel more guilt as this is not what society thinks a mother "should" be doing.

My old boss was an equity partner at the firm and she worked a 4 day week and left every day on the dot of 5pm to collect her daughter from school (she'd had the daughter whilst in the process of applying for partnership). The firm was a well-known regional player. She worked outside her "office hours" a lot but had no qualms about leaving client meetings in time to collect her daughter. This didn't seem to affect her ability to hit her targets, though some of the older male partners were less than impressed.

Point is: perhaps you could think about whether moving to a different type of firm might help you achieve a better work-life balance? Might be less prestigious and pay less, but as a partner you should still be able to earn enough elsewhere.

I might be way off the mark in which case, ignore me! I speak as a junior Associate. I'm a single mum trying to build my career and although I work long hours and don't see my DCs as much as I'd like, if I was having to go into work at 7am regularly, I don't think I could keep it up . I feel for you.

The trouble with saying "sell the house" is that if they're in London that may not be a realistic option - even the most modest family house is horrendously expensive. And the OP's husband might have views about that: it would have to be a joint decision.

OP, as I said above, I'm in a similar position, although not for megabucks and I'm an employee. However, the difference is that I don't feel guilty about it being DH who does bedtimes: the deal is that I do mornings and don't get into work particularly early, but then I'm at work for as long as it takes. Having said that, I'm quite tough on time-wasting meetings and I only have five people reporting to me.

The additional thought I had is that you probably underestimate how much clout you have in the office. OK, you can't cut your hours, because it isn't that kind of job, but you can probably work more flexibly - just don't ever admit that it's because of the children and then no-one will bat an eyelid.

OP

Look for a different job/role, really they are out there

you sound like my bosses, they all earn £100K PLUS

great money, but same issues to you

i earn less (£60K) but manage to be sole earner and provide for all family?

see this as a wake up call

good luck

It makes me sad that we live in a world where it's accepted that a person will spend the vast majority of their adult life at work. The issue isn't you, your DH or your children, OP it's your job and the mad ass world we live in. No matter whether you have children or not you should have a decent amount of free time to just be yourself. The idea that we now accept that a person has to get up at 5:30am to get work in and regularly works 80-100 hours a week is just mind boggling. What on earth is it for?

money cailin, LOADSAMONEY

i dont know anyone that works those hours on a shit money!

my boss, god love him, is cashtastic

OP could get a £80K role for better hours and work life balance, FACT

Hang on. you're not a man are you? Because no-one would call a man in this position "SuperDad" would they?

Is this some kind of Reverse AIBU?

Because it really makes no difference which of you is the major breadwinner. It sounds like your Work/Life balance is seriously out of whack, but if you make career choices that ultimately lead down that pathway with your colleagues waiting to pounce like wolves along the way; you have only yourself to blame.

So. If your position is untenable it must change. Downsize/rejuggle the work balance in the family/ get a different job. Decide what your priorities actually are.

But if you're only keeping on with this awful situation because you're ashamed to admit you can't cope then YABU.

What happens if you become ill. How would things pan out? How would you feel not going in to work.See if that gives you any clues as to if you should make any changes in your life.

I disagree about selling the house but over pay the mortgage to get rid of that mill stone as soon as possible.

I agree with CailinDana and it is a mad world. Any job should leave time for a home life, hobbies, seeing friends and doing voluntary work. Even a real high flyer should be able to keep an allotment or be a Scout leader if they wish.

If you live in London selling the house probably isn't an option. I would move out if London, have much cheaper living and downsize the job.

YANBU to be exhausted. Your work is extremely demanding and you are obviously giving whatever is left over to DC and DH. Different parents make different choices - you don't have to justify your self to anyone here or in real life. You clearly are very good at what you do and get satisfaction from that. You also love your DC. It is never just about the money, IMO, it is about having a voice and being ambitious and that is not a crime in women.
Where it is hard, though is that kids' needs haven't changed, society does not support families well and there is just that domestic load always waiting to be done.

Here is what I would do.

1. Tell DH that you are exhausted.
2. Buy in whatever domestic support you can get.
3. Next time you have a big win and are the golden girl at work, just casually say "Oh by the way I won't be in tomorrow- I am going to see my child play football etc." Just try occasionally to chip away at that culture that demeans mothering and see if you can make it a bit easier for the women coming up the ladder behind you...

Good luck.

You have three children and have successfully kept your career on track with the support of your DH. If you love your job and don;t want to scale back, downsize etc (believe me it will be the kiss of death in your profession - voice of experience here), then you have to be open with your DH about how you feel, about how guilty you feel about how much you rely on him and occasionally use him for school drop offs and bedtimes.

If I was a spouse (I'm single) I would be bemused by the guilt over splitting school drop off with my partners during the week. Why is it so important for you or your children that you drop them off and put them to bed everyday isn't their father just as competent and important to them?

If you decide you want to keep your career on track as it is then you both may have to accept that things will be tough until the children are older. In the meantime be clear with your staff how you will work (as well as with yourself) but ignore your partners - treat as the best way for you to work and therefore the firm, don;t be apologetic about it.

If you decide you don't want the career enough then downscale house lifestyle etc as per other suggestions. But as someone who took that route I can tell you it isn't the easy option either (though I don't regret it). Until society treats men and women in the workplace with children the same - ie same expectations I'm afraid its always going to be tough.

Selling the house is not an option due to very big negative equity.

Kewcumber you're right. I just need to get on with it. And the guilt thing does seem to be very much a female phenomenon. Male colleagues don't bat an eyelid about being away from the kids.

DH is fab and between the two us we'll ride this one out.

i think what you need is a break