to plunge family into even more poverty for dd and a suitable education. LONG!

[dunnoreally]

I'm going around in circles so I thought I'd let you lot decide.

DD is 7, She isn't really properly happy at school, she has no close friends, doesn't fit in and has had a bit of teasing/mild bullying to contend with. She does not get party invites or playdate or tea invites - except from one girl who sort of 'leads' dd. Possibly dominates her a little. My dd is a bit odd, prickly, nerdy, frankly not standard in any way.

She has mild anxiety, some health issues that generated more anxiety around school and is a really cooperative child who is anxious to please.

She has seen a psychologist person at huge expense - maily because dh and I thought maybe we were deluded - but no we were right. She is high on the cognitive scales and is about 95 centile for ability.

She attends the 'best' school ln our area. As measured by stats, Ofstead and also by us - in that there is only one intake per year, very little teacher turn over, a fairly personal approach and so on. School agree she is bright, believe her to be well stretched and 'nothing unusual' in their words.

In her own words - the sums are soooooo easy. There was one sum that she remebers being hard in Sept, but then she 'clicked and I got it and I knew it'. I'm sure there are things she gets wrong and I'm sure her work isn't that easy for her, but I do not feel this is a good state of mind!

OK - what do I do? The only other school we could consider has friends in it and the feedback isn't that great, plus there is a wait list.

An indie school has offered us a huge bursary but it is 35-40 mins away. It's tiny and not actually remotely academic. It is non selective but has a lovely atmosphere. What I would hope is that it is small enough to be responsive. Their independent school report is glowing. Really very good. There are a large amount of children requiring extra support who get very well catered for, and in her way, dd is in a very similar situation to those children. The report states that able children are well served and stretched.

It goes through to 18 so dd could work her way up at her own rate rather than be tied to years and classes. The head has sadi he is happy for her to snake up and down as her education demands, as many classes double up anyway as the school is so small.

It's a cheap school and the fees would be tiny to many of you, but to us it would mean extra work for me ( I already have health issues) and absolute zero disposable income. Nada. Zilch. Nothing. We are poor and not likely to stop being poor for about 6 years. When things look a little better for us the bursary would probably be removed and we would remain the same - grindingly poor. As in about 15-20K for all of us to commute, live on, run the house etc (having bought the house and set up shop 8 years ago on combined salary of about 50K, the recession has been very hard on us). We can't down size as the next step down is a small flat and it would save us about £100 per month if we were lucky. One old car, no holidays as it is etc etc.

AIBU to simply put her in and just muddle through - probably accumulating some debt and probably accumulating a bit of stress and misery which we would need to work our socks off to hide from her. For her education and to try help her find a niche and a path to her best advantage?

Oh and by the way - we have a younger child. I think that one would have to go state like dd until....until....something else happened.

Oh dear. I am

No I wouldn't.

I have a bright dd aged 8 and she has had some issues in her (rural village) state school but we talked to teachers, stuck at it and now she's settled, being given more one to one time and made friends.

I think if the school is that terrible you would be better to think about moving to a different catchment area, rather than making yourself struggle trying to afford fees.
We have a joint income of about 28k and there's no way I'd consider us rich enough (or stable enough in the current economy) to put a child into private. What if you couldn't pay and had to remove her? That would be very unsettling.

For the record, I went from a state school in a rough area of south london to winning a scholarship to an indepedent school at 16 and I left after a year. I absolutely hated everything about it. I then enrolled myself ata normal adult 6th form and still left with 3 a grade a levels.

I think if a child is bright then within reason they will always do well. I have found with this with dd so far.

I haven't had time to read all the responses so apologies if I repeat everyone!!
I could have written your post 3 months ago about my ds. The school sounds VERY similar! All except we weren't offered a scholarship!!
We took the plunge and made the move.. It has taken a bit of getting used to.. The change of pace, the commute, lack of money... But for us it was 100% the right move. Ds is very happy, his education has become personal to his needs and he is thriving.
Hope it all goes well for you.

No mathletics or anything like that. The school made a big event of bringing the G&T teacher to meet us. Her advice was..... to join the NAGT thingie. Firstly we can't afford that and secondly I'm not sure what good it would do us as the nearest group is 200 miles away!I was a bit let down that that was the sum total of their suppor tfor her and for us as her mum and dad. She is on their register but that appears to be their input.

Private would be a risk - certainly. But if I can't risk it for my girlie what will I do? I feel a bit of a wuss and like I'm failing her for not just grabbing this by the bollocks (sorry) and grabbing what might be an amazing chance for her.

God I can't help but really wish I was someone with enough funds to be able to really choose for my children. It is sooooo crap knowing that it's almost like the blinkers are going on her life at bloody 7. She has such a spark, such a flair and clearness. She sees things in such mature and sensible terms. She is pragmatic at 7. I haven't the education to show her the world - I was never shown it myself.

Obviously I don't know you or your daughter, and I'm not a teacher either, but that doesn't sound a good deal to me.

You can show her the world if you want. You have google, libraries, museums, and most of them are free. Let her know how special she is and encourage her to aim as high as she can.

All the best x

Home education?

Honestly if she has the spark, flair and clearness you just need to let her lead you.

Critical thinking is an amazing thing - that just means talking about "What if"

What if the sun stopped shining, What if no-one shared toys.

If she has things she's interested in just help her research them, she wants to see that classical thing - well "how could we make that happen?"

I could save my pocket money
we could go by car
or by train _ how much would it cost, how long would it take (maths)
go to London on holiday
rent a cd from the library
find them on you tube
get some library books about british orchestras

etc

so, could you afford mathletics yourself? It's £39 for a year and it's about 2 seconds away via Google.

Home education is also a real possibility IMO. Don't rail against the darkness, or even light a candle, light a bonfire!

I would do something to help her social skills and confidence before doing anything else. Martial arts? If she likes music that's great but most study of music will actually remove her further from her cohort as it's a solitary activity while she gets good enough to join an orchestra.

Don't think you are short changing her by keeping her in the state system. Some kids take a while to find their niche. I was a nerdy kid. Took me till I was 10 to really figure myself out and make friends. Dunno why. Got there in the end though.

My parents thought they did the right thing by sending me to local private as I was 'bright' (99th centile). Some of the teaching was shit.... their response to me being ahead wad to give me a book to read in class so I didn't disrupt lessons! Since then I have met very smart successful people from state and private.... so not worth it imho

Home education can be a journey together, you can read, you know how to use the Internet you are half way there.
I've spent about £50,000 of my savings on private education which was a huge gamble, I used it to get us where I wanted my daughter to be and now we are there I'm a bit disappointed at times. I also spoke to a man who was at the school I'd have fold my kidneys to send my boy to and he hated it do I'm hanging on to my organs for now.

i wouldn't do the private school.

i tested as gifted as a child. private school scholarships all over the place.

my state secondary school was a far better choice for me and it was the only place i thrived. the best junior school i ever went to (we moved a lot and my parents were constantly trying to get me into "better" schools) was also a state school. the teachers knew i was different, but that was fine. i was different.

i ended up with a university scholarship, got a 1st and am now successful in my career. and my career is built entirely on the same type of "giftedness" (languages) that i displayed as a child. i lost nothing by being constantly expelled from/asked to leave private schools; they were just the wrong place for me, i could see through the ponciness and preciousness from a very young age. (i know there are many private schools not like this, but let's face it, a lot of them are)

i was happy as long as my parents dropped me off at the library every afternoon. (my parents didn't go to uni btw, i was first in my family to go, so they had little to offer me and were aware of that). when i got to uni, i had already read almost all the books on the curriculum for my degree and i sailed through it. kids who are passionate about learning will educate themselves as long as you support and accept them as they are.

private schools are great, but they have to be EXACTLY the right fit for your child, and they're an expensive experiment, and if the experiment fails they can destroy a child's confidence/self-esteem.

JMO and JME.
don't fret too much, your daughter will be fine as long as you love her :)

Is mathletics good then?

I do lots of stuff at home for her - well as much as her scooby do and nintendo addiction will allow. We put a sum on each step and ask her to work them out as she climbs them. I got her some handwriting books and really tried to help how she writes and holds her pen and things like that - things I thought school would be doing but don't seem too.

Am I imagining it or are most activities for girls either based on solo concentration (instruments, ballet, gymnastics, dance) or based on dressing up and performing (dance and acting and performing in bloody scrunchies). DD would rather chew her own legs than take to a stage or do Brownies. She refuses to engage in anything to do woth fairies or dressing up.
All the boys do good stuff like football and go carting

There are no non-sport non-performance orientated things in this bit of the world. I think everyone must want to be a WAG or a celeb.

DD wants to be an architect and asks me what that involves and I don't actually know and I don't know any either.

You can use the Internet though... Find a careers website - and get her to read what architects do. Go to your library and ask the librarian to look up some books for you. Go for a walk and talk about buildings - they don't have to be pretty! It's all architecture. Look out for constant re-runs of Grand Designs on TV. There's lots you can do to encourage her!
You seem to think you have to know everything yourself... You don't - you just have to help her find things.
You can go on Chat or Education on here, and ask who knows about architecture!

I know and I will, I guess I am feeling very negative tonight and I suppose I hoped that she could move in circles where it wasn't unusual to want to do these things. Maybe have a friend with a mum who is in that line or be able to see people doing different things. I hope that makes sense.

I'd like that for her and I can't have it and it really hurts.

If 'the boys are doing all the good stuff', take her along to those activities; DD does rugby, karate and Cubs.

The private school sounds like it could be in financial trouble - check out the accounts!

Doesn't sound like a good plan.

I was like your dd, got easier in secondary.

Really? That is cool. I have looked into every cub group in a 15 mile radius and there isn't one with girls. Is that usual or do I live in the dead end of nowhere?

Karate is possible, so I'll ask her about that. She is keen to ride but there is no way on earth we can ever afford it. What a fortune!

Thank you very much for all the input and for gentle handling. This is AIBU afterall

I have to go to bed as I have a 14 hr shift tomorrow - lucky me. Thanks again.

Also, the independent schools reports are not independent, and rarely other than glowing!

agree with Cabrinha, don't worry about not knowing about her fave subjects - get stuck in with her, learn with her.

for architecture, i'd suggest:

• art history books. learn the history of art together, discuss pictures and how art changes over time etc.
• then get some books of ancient and modern buildings, and apply what you've learned re: art history to architecture. from there, learn together about different phases of architecture both in the West and elsewhere.
• get books about housebuilding. plans, etc. learn how to interpret plans/technical drawings together.
• get her started on learning technical drawing. have her draw objects from around the house.
• research AutoCAD (technical drawing) software; is there a student version that she can start to fiddle with?
• same with model-building techniques. there's a huge amount of model-building in architecture and it's a great hands-on thing to do. she can make a model of your house, a favourite building, all sorts.
• anything to do with geometry will help her.
• i'm sure algebra too actually.

this website will blow her mind.
www.khanacademy.org/
any kind of maths/science subject will be covered here. let her get in over her head and see what comes of it!

part of becoming educated is learning how to learn things. how to be OK with being clueless, and how to start gaining knowledge by looking for it. if you do this with her, it will serve her for the rest of her life.

Defibitely not!

You should pick a school that it 'suitable to her age and ability' and can provide the support she requires.

If she's gifted a non-academic school will not stretch her sufficiently. She'll be even more bored than she currently is.

You'd be moving her her for the wrong reasons:

to sheleter her from bullying - you should address that at her current school
because she's anxious and nerdy - that needs further investigation. It may be that she needs additional support with social and communication difficulties. If you haven'y already done so, you should seek out an independant Educational Pyschologist and start to get explanations for this and suggestions as to the support she requires.

No issues here with independant schools - just think that the independant setting you are considering is not a suitable one.

Oh Dozer - don't even go there on secondry. Ours are a disaster. There are about 5, 2 of which were in special measure and the rest 'good'. One got an outstanding in one area - mainly because it got children to actually turn up. I get a bit of a twitch when I ponder secondry. Ther is only one place in the area to study A levels or similar. So if it doesn't offer your preference - tough.

Nice.

Oh well. Thanks again everyone.

Don't laugh - what about starting a free school?

Hi yes we went to a psychologist. That is where we got the information about the cognitive ability. It cost a fortune!
The advice was to consider moving ahead one to two years as she is unusually eloquent [sp.] and mature and therefore will find mixing with peers in mixed ability difficult. Apparently. The advice was also to target any areas where she is average or thereabouts, like spelling, as this is purely because she hasn't been taught how to self correct etc. Then she could easily move into a higher class.

In general she was found (at 7 and a week) to operate at between 9 and 15 years of age. I can't remember the specifics but her writing form and speed and spelling were her weakest areas.

School seemed unimpressed with the whole shebang. Which I understand. Moving ahead is, imo, very dodgy. They stated plainly they do not think her level of functioning is anything they aren't dealing with. I'm frightened to approach them again tbh.

Thank you oikopolis and everyone else of course. You are all very kind.

Maybe me and dd could look into all those ideas on Sunday when I am at home.

freeschool? I won't laugh but honestly, ours is the most in demand school and no one will even turn up to sell second hand school uniform . It just isn't that sort of place. To my knowledge anyway!

I have reversed your situation....my DD is also 7 and struggling a little socially and with some anxiety. We have left a tiny, cheap indie school and left our huge bursary behind for the best local state for miles.

Dd had been in her tiny prep since the age of three and was getting on well but there were only 4 girls in her class and then 3 left...leaving DD and one other girl who is her polar opposite.

I was worried about secondary. We could not afford to pay fees at secondary level and have another DD to think about...we were frightened at the thought of DD going from this tiny and homely school into the large comprehensive which she would in all likelyhood attend. she is also bright but I don't think she's the type to pass exams...very nervy.

We feel we've done the right thing and 7 is so young still. DD is slowly gaining confidence and making strides. in the words of our new HT, some kids are simply not the type to go about in a gang...they take longer to make a close friend and that's fine.

We are working on her confidence and helping her by offering as many extra curricular things as she is interested in. I do feel that 7 is very young yet and have confidence that in a year or so, she will come into her own.

Don't underestimate the worry that fees later can bring as well as missing out on other things such as expensive science courses and clubs which are offered at even the smaller private schools.