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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think some mil's could be a little obsessed?

86 replies

pumpkinsweetie · 27/04/2012 21:30

AIBU to think some mils can be a bit obsessed with their sons and don't want to let them go.
So not to drip feed i will fill you in on mil past history.
Me and H been together 8 years, i had a daughter from a previous relationship when we met, my H was living with his mum at the time and didn't want her to know he was dating someone with a child .
About 3 months after meeting he told her i had a baby at first she was not pleased!
After a while she had to get used to it as we were going to stay together whether she liked it or not.
He moved in with me at my mums then we moved in with his parents , they were lovely and seem to enjoy having us there.
Until they found out we were going to be moving out and having a newbaby and that is when the mil saga started: 1st she was getting aunts and uncles to tell us we cant cope alone in a flat, we would be better off with her etc.
Anyway we moved into out flat, she wasnt happy about this and constantly phoned her son in tears.
We have had more children since & now have a house, when she comes around she always makes digs about my H looking like a teletubbie & that he eats too many biscuits!!! She is rude to whomever is around when she comes, she has called my 5 year old an 'it' , said about my mates son" doesn't that thing smile", shes also said my mum must have sprayed her jeans on.
She has called my eldest 'not a blood grandaughter' right in front of her.
This woman is constantly phoning her son around to do diy, guiltriping him if he doesnt go round there, shes had fil come round on mothers day to rant and swear at H for not getting her a present when he infact had.
And her lastest in the long list of things is to try and stop us going on holiday!!!!
She has been whinging on about how she isnt going to see him on her usual allocated day because we are away for 5 days so she says she will miss him too much and we shouldnt go away!!!
Shes been phoning him at work pleading him not to go away and now she wants to cook us sunday dinner the night before we go away as she cant bear to miss him another day!
I said know as we have last minute packing to do and kids baths and early bed routine to sort out in preparation for mondays holiday....so she put the phone down on him crying!
He has now compromised about going tommorrow instead-but i am dreading her putting a dampner on our holiday because she'l probably plead with him not to go.
When she does all these things it puts my H into an almost depressive mood that will last for days!
Please mnetters does this woman sound obsessed to you and have any of you been in my situation?

OP posts:
PoppyWearer · 27/04/2012 21:38

Obsessed? No...

She's been possessed. Grin

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 27/04/2012 21:55

Posessed-maybe your right

OP posts:
OldGreyWiffleTest · 27/04/2012 22:02

She's never let go, has she? I'm afraid the only solution is for your DH to stand up to her and tell her to back off, and shut up.

Nobhead · 27/04/2012 22:03

I think your DH needs to borrow a pair and stop pandering to her TBH. She sounds like a nightmare- WTF is with the allocated day, I would stop that and be more breezy and flexible about it. She sounds V controlling and is adept at the emotional blackmail. The only way to change it is to stop enabling it IMO.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 27/04/2012 22:12

If she doesn't get to see us the same day each week she guiltrips him even more which makes my life even worse as i have to deal with his moodswings which can at times be quite draining and he tends to snap at the slightest thing!
No-one can say 'no' to her and if they do u never hear the end of it

OP posts:
StanleyLambchop · 27/04/2012 22:13

'Allocated day'? Good Grief.

YANBU. Tell your DH to cut that damn cord!

WorraLiberty · 27/04/2012 22:14

You have to remember that every MIL is also a Mother

So it's not just a MIL thing really

Some people simply can't let go because they have no life of their own

It is sad really Sad

Mayisout · 27/04/2012 22:51

Threaten to move a looooong way away.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 27/04/2012 22:53

I do feel for her as she does seem sad but unfortunetly it is taking a toll on my relationship with my H as this causes many arguments between us.
You would think she lives on her own the way she behaves but she actually has a husband believe it or not but lets just say they have a very odd relationship which probably is one of the reasons she is like this but thats another story i guess

OP posts:
PoppyWearer · 28/04/2012 04:29

What Worra said - definitely the case in my experience with my MIL. My own Mum is very different, has a full and busy life with my Dad and squeezes us in as and when they can see us, but her life does not revolve around us. Far from it! Yet she is still a wonderful grandmother and adores my DCs.

I also eavesdrop in the changing room at the gym because most of my fellow gym-goers are of my MIL's generation, and I want to understand what makes her tick. There are a few of the ladies who have things to talk about besides their new kitchen/their DH/their children and grandchildren, but not many.

I have resolved not to be like that when I'm older! I have a DD and a DS (my baby) and can see how I could find it hard to let go of DS. But I will cut those strings!

OP, your Dh does need to step up and manage the relationship. It shouldn't be a power struggle between you and her. You're his wife, mother to his children. End of story.

Parly · 28/04/2012 04:36

She?s apeshit mental. She?s probably cottoning onto the fact that her mentalist tendencies are beginning to wear you all down as well and no doubt reckons she?s in with a chance of being victorious.

Personally, I?d have words with her in private and away from your husband to let her know this shit stops straight away and it stops for good.

What does your husband say about the ?It? and ?You?re not a blood relative? lark?

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 06:44

Not looking forward to the dinner with her today, wonder what conversations she has instore for us and how much she is going to coherse my H into not going on holiday.
The odd thing is we have never been invited to dinner round there unless she is having a complete 'family gathering' which includes other inlawsHmm

OP posts:
AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 06:58

Your Husband needs to put some measures in place to get her to leave him alone. He needs to start by telling her that she's not welcome to call at work. If he really is incapable of being firm on the phone with her while at work then he could lie and say that personal calls will not be tolerated by the boss.

Personally, if someone kept referring to children in my charge as "It" or "Thing" then they wouldn't be welcome in my house.

You say that she "told" you to go for dinner? Have you thought of aying no? I know that no-one can ay no without hearing the end of it, as you say, but giving into her demands all the time isn't exactly keeping the peace is it? It's just causing tension in your home. It's only dinner and look at the tizz you;re in!

If your H won't stand up to her, you must. And if he gets cross about it with you then that speaks a lot to his character too.

She sounds very domineering but YABU to think all MILs are like yours.

googietheegg · 28/04/2012 06:59

If she starts, how about saying, 'how would you feel if we cancelled our holiday for you?'. She'll either be pleased, in which case you'll all know how selfish she is, or she'll have to say 'oh no I didn't mean that' and gave to shut up about it.

SpringHasSprungALeak · 28/04/2012 07:00

Is he an only child?

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 07:13

No he isnt her only child, but he is her only son.
I dont believe all mils are like this, just some.
She has two other daughters one which lives very far away and another daughter who lives closer by.
The one that lives far away is the only one that will stand up to her out of everyone in the whole family but this sil does go ape if she sees her mum 'upset' by us.
The other sil is as bad as my H and gives in to her every whim & in the past mil has used her to do her 'dirty' work by getting her to phone my H to complain about how we haven't seen her enough etc & she has also got the sil to phone H regarding what presents we have bought her (birthday, mothers day, christmas).
The reason i won't stand up to her is because theres huge family uproar if i do and because she has a disability they would accuse me of being prejudice-i am not shes just an selfish human being which has nothing to do with condition at all but i know it will be bought up at any mention of us saying 'no' to anything as this has happened in the past

OP posts:
AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 07:21

She sounds really toxic. I'm disabled to and get furious with other disabled people who use their health issues as carte blanche to treat other people like shit. She is an embarrassment. Nothing will change if you don't limit contact. if you want to say no to her then have a reasonable excuse and when challenged, repeat yourself. That way they look U becaue you have politely but firmly said why you can't go to dinner / her house etc.

She only has the power she has because you are giving it to her. All of you. With that, she has no reasonin the world to stop what she is doing and your childre, especially your "it" daughter, will be the ones to suffer for it.

She is definately vile, but she has you all exactly where she wants you by the look of it.

LindyHemming · 28/04/2012 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 07:29

What Euphemia said.

NagooIsBuildingAnArk · 28/04/2012 07:31

The reason people start MIL threads like this is because their husband is half the problem.

Your DH is responsible for the nature of the relationship he has with his mother.

Maybe he likes it like this? You say you argue over it. So he is sticking up for her?

Perhaps you need to be a bit more tolerant of her, and he will be less defensive. I agree that you need to ut your foot down about going on holiday, but maybe you could try being a bit nicer and see if that encourages your DH to let go a little bit, as he won't need to defend his mother all the time.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2012 07:32

This is what happens when women won't let go and keeps the DC tied to their apron strings. DSs in particular seem to find it difficult to cut them. It is really your DHs problem. He needs to sit her down and give her a few home truths. She is toxic and he appears not to know, or want to face it. You will have to have less to do with her. Any possibility of having at least 100 miles between you? It is a bit late now but I would never marry a man who was still living at home.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2012 07:35

I think OP has been too tolerant! Normally I stick up for MILs who I think get a rough deal BUT a parents job is to make themselves redundant-give them roots and give them wings-she has clipped his from the start!

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 07:37

Nagoo It seems that you are suggesting that the the OP tolerates unacceptable behaviour so that her MIL will be nicer to her. I can't get onboard with that.

PurplePidjin · 28/04/2012 07:43

MIL: I don't want you to go, I'll miss my ds too much
You: Do you not think he deserves a relaxing break after all his hard work?

MIL: You'll never cope without me
You: Do you not think you've taught your ds to be a good man who stands on his own two feet?

MIL: sob sob wail
DH: Sorry, Mum, I'm at work. Can you call at x time?

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 07:43

The thing is my H doesn't know how to stick up for himself and he has been in tears from one of her phonecalls before.
I do feel sorry for him in a way & sometimes he actually likes the fact i deal with her as he doesn't have to deal with it but other times like today for example he actually wants to go to dinner and ive been told if we dont go he will feel torn between me & her.
The thing i see that he does wrong is that he forgives her each & every time and yes i do realise most of this is down to him not having any 'backbone'.
I would leave him to go alone today but if i were to do that i would have know clue what conversations have took place and therfore i dont know what to expect when he gets home ie moodswings & a change of mind about holiday (h can be secretive about what is said by her on occasion)
My H is scared of fil so that doesn't help either-my fil has a tendancy to blow-up if things dont go mils way and that can be quite scary

OP posts: