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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think some mil's could be a little obsessed?

86 replies

pumpkinsweetie · 27/04/2012 21:30

AIBU to think some mils can be a bit obsessed with their sons and don't want to let them go.
So not to drip feed i will fill you in on mil past history.
Me and H been together 8 years, i had a daughter from a previous relationship when we met, my H was living with his mum at the time and didn't want her to know he was dating someone with a child .
About 3 months after meeting he told her i had a baby at first she was not pleased!
After a while she had to get used to it as we were going to stay together whether she liked it or not.
He moved in with me at my mums then we moved in with his parents , they were lovely and seem to enjoy having us there.
Until they found out we were going to be moving out and having a newbaby and that is when the mil saga started: 1st she was getting aunts and uncles to tell us we cant cope alone in a flat, we would be better off with her etc.
Anyway we moved into out flat, she wasnt happy about this and constantly phoned her son in tears.
We have had more children since & now have a house, when she comes around she always makes digs about my H looking like a teletubbie & that he eats too many biscuits!!! She is rude to whomever is around when she comes, she has called my 5 year old an 'it' , said about my mates son" doesn't that thing smile", shes also said my mum must have sprayed her jeans on.
She has called my eldest 'not a blood grandaughter' right in front of her.
This woman is constantly phoning her son around to do diy, guiltriping him if he doesnt go round there, shes had fil come round on mothers day to rant and swear at H for not getting her a present when he infact had.
And her lastest in the long list of things is to try and stop us going on holiday!!!!
She has been whinging on about how she isnt going to see him on her usual allocated day because we are away for 5 days so she says she will miss him too much and we shouldnt go away!!!
Shes been phoning him at work pleading him not to go away and now she wants to cook us sunday dinner the night before we go away as she cant bear to miss him another day!
I said know as we have last minute packing to do and kids baths and early bed routine to sort out in preparation for mondays holiday....so she put the phone down on him crying!
He has now compromised about going tommorrow instead-but i am dreading her putting a dampner on our holiday because she'l probably plead with him not to go.
When she does all these things it puts my H into an almost depressive mood that will last for days!
Please mnetters does this woman sound obsessed to you and have any of you been in my situation?

OP posts:
NagooIsBuildingAnArk · 28/04/2012 12:27

She sounds desperately lonely :(

I am sorry you have got the brunt of this OP.

I don't know what you can do if your DH is avoiding talking about it :(

diddl · 28/04/2012 12:28

Well if he would rather stay with his mum, then you do have problems.

That´s a bit silly of your mum-surely she´d be happy to see you?

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 12:36

Tbh i think my mum has had enough of hearing it.
Every persons birthday in the family or christmas she likes to be centre of attention and today is the same.
We are going on holiday and she wants to make sure she is the queen bee before we go even though i could be doing with sorting the house out etc.
When she asked originally about sunday i just thought to myself, doesn't she realise we have stuff to organise before monday -of course she flipping does!
She is coming soon, i will fill you all in later with what shes been like

OP posts:
diddl · 28/04/2012 13:35

I´m sure she has.

But I´m just suggesting that you & the children pop round when you´ve had enough of MIL.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 13:38

They are here now and all 3 of them are arguing over who serves dinnerConfused

OP posts:
MeconiumHappens · 28/04/2012 15:02

Lots of sympathy to you pumpkin. I think your main problem though is your husband. He could stop all this shit, or at least remove you guys from it, in an instant. But he hasn't, gets in his own strops, swears and takes it out on you.

If his was my husband I wouldnt put up with it.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 15:51

Yeah a new thread about H would probably be approriate!!!
They are still here , watching the horses big bore zzzz.
Atleast they cooked all the meat, my H only had to heat up some precooked roasties etc but guess what its mugging here who ended up doing ALL the washing-up including mils containers whilst they all slouched on me couch.
My youngest has been having tantrums of which i tend to not pick her up unless necessary because it just makes her attention dependent-mil & fil keep moaning for me to pick her up even though i was drinking my tea i had to beg the H to makeAngry
Theyv kept repeatedly asking what day do we come back atleast 6 times.
Pissed off ive pussyfooted around them all afternoon when i have packing to do Angry and they have refused to go until ive washed their items!!
Ive been told to bring leaflets home from holiday wtf??
And my fil has been winding kids up all afternoon

OP posts:
theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 28/04/2012 16:23

FIL can't be bothered with her and SIL who lives a long distance away all get mad at you if you stand up to her Hmm. Well yea - they've made her 'your problem' - call them on it. If SIL moans tell her she doesn't know what she is talking about as she lives so far away perhaps she should visits more often and deal with her mother and repeat very single time.

Ignore FIL and MIL if they go in a strop - no visits no phone calls and don't fall for the poor me line. Nasty comment call them on it - did you mean to sound so rude, 'it' what is this it ' - can't you talk - you can't comment on other people weight you just can't or pot kettle pot on weight.

Make it your DH problem - have a strop back- point out repeatedly all the times she's upset him, or both of you.

Sort out some assertiveness training for your self - see if there are local courses. Then maybe try and get your DH on them later. I bet when you have strategies for dealing with her behavior in place you'll feel better - I've had to find ways of manging relatives and they stress me out a lot less so everyone is happy.

I bet your mother is pig sick of you moaning to her but doing nothing about the situation it puts all the anger and upset on her and I bet she's offer loads of advice to you and seen it all ignored. I had family members do this - they moan to me ignore all suggestions then if I say to try and sort situation I'm in the wrong - leaves me upset on their behalf and very helpless. I now refuse to let them moan and I'm a lot happier because of it - so don't be surprised if your mother does that at some point.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/04/2012 16:39

Pumpkin, they all sound like a fucking nightmare. I'd be very tempted to tell them all to piss off and go on holiday with the dc and my mum!

If I was you I would tell dh that you will not be seeing his mum and dad again and you will not be taking the children to see them. I would go nuclear on anyone who was nasty to my kids. I would tell him this is not negotiable - if he wants to see them that is his prerogative, but the days of them dictating and abusing the rest of the family are over.

I would get caller ID and just not answer the phone to either of them.

You cannot alter your husband, but you can alter yourself and how you respond to things.

Then I would just carry on my life and my plans. If you are married to the kind of man who will let his mother guilt trip him into not going on holiday with his wife and kids, then he is no man at all and you are better off going your own separate ways, imo.

JingleMum · 28/04/2012 16:48

well said karmabeliever

of course it's sad when any mother has no life of her own after her kids grow up, but it's their own choice. their kids will have their own lives, it's natural and it's expected. the mother will always be part of her child's life, just not the centre of it once they have a family of their own. if you can't accept and understand that then it's pointless having kids.

mamhaf · 28/04/2012 17:02

Great post karmabeliever

My late mil was a bit like the OP's (including milking her replaced hip for all it was worth although in fact that had given her more mobility), and in the end I did much the same thing - stopped seeing her except for very rare occasions.

Dh, who wouldn't stand up to her, would take the dc there on his own, or, once they were old enough, the dc would go to stay with mil and fil (he wouldn't stand up to her either).

More complicated for the OP though, in the respect that her particular witch is being unkind to the eldest child, and that needs to be dealt with.

In an ideal world the OP's dh would grow a pair and stand up to her, but mine wouldn't either. Tbh it was a great relief to both of us when mil died - our marriage was much stronger afterwards.

Bobyan · 28/04/2012 17:35

This may well sound harsh, but the day any member of my family called my DC an "it" would be the last time they saw them.
You and your DH are actually part of the problem allowing this to carry on. You both need to grow some balls, after all what's the worse they can really do?

exoticfruits · 28/04/2012 17:44

DH is the problem, he should have started at about 8 years but he has always let her have her own way. Time for him to cut those apron strings and have an adult relationship. Perhaps counselling is the way forward if he can't do it.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 17:53

He has been an arsehole since she came and this time i must say, i blame him.
Im thinking of goung away without him now as of today im wondering whether he was the problem all along.
He has sworn & shouted at me again since they left and tbh im fed up to the back teeth with the whole bloody bunch of them.
Apart from the things i mentioned they were quite reasonable today , dh on the other hand not so!
Iv ignored him an got on with odd jobs for two hours now whilst ge continues to not apologise in listening to my music, sorting the kids out and housework.
Odd thing is kids are now feeling ill-mil cooked the meat and it was all defrosted out of the freezer today!!!Angry i just hope they havent gave u food poisening Sad

OP posts:
ladymariner · 28/04/2012 17:55

What karma said......I often think that MIL's get a bad press on here, but wow, this one is pure poison Shock

ladymariner · 28/04/2012 17:55

What karma said......I sometimes think that MIL's get a bad press on here, but wow, this one is pure poison Shock

ladymariner · 28/04/2012 17:56

What karma said......I sometimes think that MIL's get a bad press on here, but wow, this one is pure poison Shock

ladymariner · 28/04/2012 17:56

3 times?????? Bloody iPad.....

fedupofnamechanging · 28/04/2012 18:12

lady I like it when people agree with me Wink

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 18:14

Mils & Hs both pure poisenois as ive started to realise in my caseAngry

OP posts:
ladymariner · 28/04/2012 18:38

Well, I obviously do, karma Grin xxx

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 29/04/2012 23:11

Well......... mil will be pleased, one of my dcs is ill so we may not be going away now after all Sad

OP posts:
ohgawd · 29/04/2012 23:14

We had similar with MIL, only way to deal with it is to tell DH to stand up to her.

oikopolis · 29/04/2012 23:43

personally i think your DH is the problem. MILs are only as insane/interfering as their DSs permit them to be.

if your DH is allowing her into your home after she's said and done the things you've mentioned in your OP, then you've got to ask yourself where you and the children feature on your DH's list of priorities...

dontquotem3 · 30/04/2012 01:41

Is MIL devious enough to have caused illness to your DC? Seems awfully coincidental. I hope it really isn't serious enough that you have to cancel your plans.