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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think some mil's could be a little obsessed?

86 replies

pumpkinsweetie · 27/04/2012 21:30

AIBU to think some mils can be a bit obsessed with their sons and don't want to let them go.
So not to drip feed i will fill you in on mil past history.
Me and H been together 8 years, i had a daughter from a previous relationship when we met, my H was living with his mum at the time and didn't want her to know he was dating someone with a child .
About 3 months after meeting he told her i had a baby at first she was not pleased!
After a while she had to get used to it as we were going to stay together whether she liked it or not.
He moved in with me at my mums then we moved in with his parents , they were lovely and seem to enjoy having us there.
Until they found out we were going to be moving out and having a newbaby and that is when the mil saga started: 1st she was getting aunts and uncles to tell us we cant cope alone in a flat, we would be better off with her etc.
Anyway we moved into out flat, she wasnt happy about this and constantly phoned her son in tears.
We have had more children since & now have a house, when she comes around she always makes digs about my H looking like a teletubbie & that he eats too many biscuits!!! She is rude to whomever is around when she comes, she has called my 5 year old an 'it' , said about my mates son" doesn't that thing smile", shes also said my mum must have sprayed her jeans on.
She has called my eldest 'not a blood grandaughter' right in front of her.
This woman is constantly phoning her son around to do diy, guiltriping him if he doesnt go round there, shes had fil come round on mothers day to rant and swear at H for not getting her a present when he infact had.
And her lastest in the long list of things is to try and stop us going on holiday!!!!
She has been whinging on about how she isnt going to see him on her usual allocated day because we are away for 5 days so she says she will miss him too much and we shouldnt go away!!!
Shes been phoning him at work pleading him not to go away and now she wants to cook us sunday dinner the night before we go away as she cant bear to miss him another day!
I said know as we have last minute packing to do and kids baths and early bed routine to sort out in preparation for mondays holiday....so she put the phone down on him crying!
He has now compromised about going tommorrow instead-but i am dreading her putting a dampner on our holiday because she'l probably plead with him not to go.
When she does all these things it puts my H into an almost depressive mood that will last for days!
Please mnetters does this woman sound obsessed to you and have any of you been in my situation?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 28/04/2012 07:46

You need to distance yourselves.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2012 07:46

Don't answer the phone. Be very busy.

storminabuttercup · 28/04/2012 07:55

She would drive me mad, but then my mil (well dps mother) drives me mad which is why I haven't seen her for about 4 months.

When she does the guilt trip I would say 'I'm sorry that you feel that way, but we will be doing x' then end the conversation.

Although to be honest some of the comments, especially the 'it' one and the one about your eldest would have me telling her to fuck off until she can be civil.

Im hard faced where inlaws are concerned, I don't have anything to do with any of them, they have caused so much hassle I cut them out, dp and ds still see them though.

You are saint to have put up with it this long!

everlong · 28/04/2012 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 07:59

My H won't allow it, and even if he did i get it in the neck of him for his mother being upset- i truely cannot win.
My mum has even gone as far as to say whilst she is still in his life she will always be put 1st as that is the way it has always been and she thinks if i were to give him an ultimatum he would choose her over me and his children (of course i wouldn't do this).
My own mum treats him better than his mother and is always buying him treats and lending him money-she says he is a much better person when he hasnt seen her for long periods.
I would love to cut her out of mine & the kids lifes , i have tried this for a whole month before but she pulled on my heartstrings saying she missed her grandkids and was always crying even had fil on my case (scary) but now ive been foolish enough to let her back 'in' all the crap has started again.
Im thinking about having a private word with her and telling her in no uncertain terms that this 'obsession' will not and cannot carry on, im hoping to get the chance to do this when she is alone after our holiday

OP posts:
AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 08:00

Given you last update, he does sound like he is very much a part of hi Mum's "machine."

I'd stop dealing with her at all if I were you. You are putting yourself in as a buffer by dealing with her for him and helping him to avoid the issues he has with her in doing so. If she really is bad for his mental wellbeing and he can't stand up for himself, you should say something. But I think that you won't for fear of causing upset.

just let him do his own talking from now on. I see a lot about how this is affecting your H but nothing about how your children are affected? Can you tell us a bit more about that side of things?

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 08:01

XP with your last post OP

AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 08:01

Still, I'd like to know how the kids are affected by all this.

Coralanne · 28/04/2012 08:01

Your H needs to "grow some".

Tell him to man up and take of his family.

Your MIL sounds revolting. Is she like "Rose from Eastenders"?

Does your H really look like a Teletubby and does he eat heaps of biscuits?

It's not your MIL you need help with. Just ignore her. Work on building up H's self esteem. It sounds as though he has been totally suffocated by his M all his life.

Coralanne · 28/04/2012 08:01

Take control of his family

myBOYSareBONKERS · 28/04/2012 08:02

I personally think she sounds very nasty and I would not want to expose my family to that negativity

Longtalljosie · 28/04/2012 08:13

Gosh, it's a very unhealthy relationship, isn't it? But it doesn't sound like your DH is able to extricate himself from it. Maybe you should consider couples counselling? Explaining some of these (ridiculous) instances to a neutral third party might make him realise this is not normal?

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 08:13

Yes my dcs are affected by this as when they have seen her they pick up on her attitude and rudeness and have started to say things to people along the lines of the typical mil phrases. This can be very embarrising for me as they have not been bought up to pick on other peoples insecurities.
No my H doesn't look like a teletubbie, and he only ate 2 biscuits on that occasion-mil is morbidly obese so she has no right to comment on other peoples sizes anyway as she needs to look at her own diet 1st.
If i dare stop her seeing dcs the fil will be back ranting and raving swearing and shouting and i really dont want that, if there was a way if slowly cutting contact without the rants and guiltrips will someone tell me?

OP posts:
AutumnSummers · 28/04/2012 08:19

The thing is, you may not have intended them to be brought up that way but by constantly exposing them to MIL you are passively allowing them to become that way.

If anyone else has anything to say about you standing up for your family you do realise that you in no way obligated to explain yourself other than a cursary summary of events. I wouldn't back down to other people's pressure if my chidren's upbringing were at stake.

Say that you've given her ample time to change her ways and that things are the same as they were the last time you tried to cut her off.

you seem easily swayed by guilt that they all lay on you but I think you 'd feel even more guilty if your DC grew up to immitate her further, surely? She is a bad influence on them.

I know that it is hard- I had to do it with my own parents and I still get family pressure -but I told them all that I would not discuss it with them because there was nothing to debate and that I didn't feel the need to defend myself to people who aren't directly affected.

people can say what they want about it, they're not raising your kids are they?

Coralanne · 28/04/2012 08:20

Can you make the times she sees DC's shorter and shorter? Maybe then she won't notice.

Seriously, I do feel really sorry for you. She sounds like a really horrible woman. Maybe you can encourage her to take up a hobby or something, thereby diverting her attention away from your family.

Does she have any friends or is there a local craft or sewing goup she can get involved in?

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 08:36

Thats the thing we are going on holiday for just 5 days of which she has already noticed we wont be seeing her on her allocated day during the week hence the reason for this 'dinner' today.
My H & me have decided we are going to have her here for dinner instead as it will be easier with all the kids-he is yet to tell her, i wonder what her reaction is going to be. I can guess she wont like this as its going against her plans!-ive told H if she has a probem with it tell her there will be no 'dinner' at all.
At one hint of crying or moaning is heard in that phone convo im standing my ground about there being no 'dinner'

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 08:46

She won't get out and that is another part of her bitterness, she refuses to get a wheelchair or mobility scooter so therefore she can only really be taken in a car anywhere by her H and dropped off which is normally just to tesco even then she can only manage about 30 minutes on her feet.
My fil has no time for her and prefers to spend his time up the allotment so i do sympathise with her to some degree.
Me and my mum have mentioned to her about getting her a wheelchair and taking her for coffee and shopping trips but she is to proud to accept she needs walking aids or a wheelchair and normally when out in tesco she just uses her trolley for support.
I think if we were to get her out the house a bit more she would be more pleasant but she is too stubborn.
9 times out 10 she is at home and at ours one day a week

OP posts:
diddl · 28/04/2012 08:54

It´s sad that she hasn´t got a life of her own, isn´t it?

But then if your husband always does as she wants, she doesn´t really need to bother, so he isn´t helping her.

FIL sounds horrible.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 09:11

He is horrible he wont watch tv with her or eat dinner with her , he goes and eats in his bedroom (separate bedrooms).
Because she has no proper relationship with her H she is lonely, if this was me i would rather be alone than in a relationship like this its all very odd and clearly isnt working but due to their age and backgrounds they just plod on because they are married.

My H has already started his mood swings and has already started swearing at me and i can tell he is nervous about today.
I do not like being sworn at and ive told him he is swearing at the wrong person and to shut his foul mouth-up.
He is not usually a swearing type so i find it odd he does this when she is due or has been round

OP posts:
diddl · 28/04/2012 09:17

That to me is wierd tbh.

He´s about to see his mum-it shouldn´t be such a big deal, should it?

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 09:18

Its almost as if she has a hold over him

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 09:22

Coralanne-answer to your question, yes exactly like 'Rose' from eastenders.
That is just what she is like

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 11:49

He phoned her, shes ok about coming here-apparently but im not too sure thats all she said as he's been in a nasty mood since she phonedSad
Even my mum has had enough of us not having a backbone as she is the one looking after our pets & house whilst i am away, mil has done nothing to help out and my mum feels sidelined by her coming today as my mum was supposed to be taking 2 of my dcs shopping and i was supposed to be showing her how to clean out pets cages.
So far 3 people are now upset due to mil and even my dcs have been shouted at because H is in a mood because of her coming.
I have had just about enough of all this crap & im not even gonna bother tidying before she comes.
Ive been packing all morning whilst H sits on his lazy arse playing computer games in his underwear Angry

OP posts:
diddl · 28/04/2012 12:20

In that case-could you have lunch & then take the children to your mum´s?

Oh & don´t pack for him!!

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 28/04/2012 12:22

I already have, he's not packed a thing leading me to believe he isnt comingSad
I would go see mum later but shes is not in a good mood now ive told her mil is centre of attention again

OP posts:
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