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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel comfortable with this?

126 replies

SpaghettiTwirlerAndProud · 26/04/2012 16:37

I'm going bridesmaid shopping with my sister on sunday, and the original plan was that DP would have DD. But now DP wants to work on our extension instead so said his mum can have her for a few hours. MIL has said this is fine but I'm not happy with it. MIL was in an accident a few years ago and has a very badly damaged leg which has left her limited with her mobility. She is already looking after her eldest sons baby 8mo who is just crawling, DD is 10mo, crawling like lightening, walking round the furniture and into EVERYTHING.

I'm just not happy with her looking after 2 crawling babies at once when her mobility isn't the best. She says she is happy to have DD but she tends to overdo things. She kind of ignores her disablity iyswim?

I can't take DD with me. Going to MeadowHell (if anyone doesn't know what that is, it's a massive shopping centre). I took DD when she was 5mo and it was awful, she was so bored and it would be worse if I took her now.

AIRBTU?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 26/04/2012 19:21

I have tried taking toddlers swimsuit shopping and jeans shopping and have given up. They have all grown up way beyond that stage now and shopping is their life hobby (for all except DS), and they are not brats either. It's not putting your life on hold to be sensible and recognise reality.

mathanxiety · 26/04/2012 19:22

How about telling your DH that the DD will assist him in his bricklaying if he thinks she would be an asset to your shopping trip...

Maryz · 26/04/2012 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flowerface · 26/04/2012 19:22

Yes, it's really weird the way everyone is so outraged at the suggestion that a 5 month old would be bored... I couldn't go shopping with mine at all at that age. Or rather, I could, if I wore ear-defenders and blinkers. This is another example of people with placid babies thinking it's all down to their no-nonsense parenting, isn't it... But the fact is, some people have babies who are happy looking at the world around them, and some people emphatically do not.

LittleMissSnowShine · 26/04/2012 19:22

OP - My DS is one of those babies / toddlers. He's high maintenance, very lively, energetic, willful and LOUD Blush. My mum and my MIL help me and DH out a good bit with childcare now I'm back at work and they both live v close by and are always very good and happy to help, and we are very grateful to both of them for it.

My mum and my MIL both have v different ideas from me (and from each other!) as to what constitutes childcare, what DS should eat, what he should play with, how much supervision he needs etc. and when he was younger (he's 20 months now) I found myself feeling a bit uptight about it all so YABU in my opinion, a very demanding child can be very draining on you, and it's hard to carve out the time to get everything done that you need to if they are going to scream the place down in the shopping centre / bank / supermarket whatever

In saying that, I made a conscious decision based on the fact that both me and DH and our respective siblings turned out fine, and that I was looked after a lot when I was younger by my grandparents (who had mobility issues / health problems that I wans't particularly aware of as a child but I can appreciate now would have made looking after me and my cousins tricky for them) and reached the conclusion that if MIL and my mum are both prepared and willing to look after DS then I would take them up on it gratefully and accept that they will have diff ideas to me on how to take care of him, but trust that since they were both great mums to me and DH and they love our DS, that he'll be fine. And having a good relationship with his grannies is a big bonus, he loves spending the afternoon or occasional sleepover with them now.

So YABU....but think about the longer term benefits for all of you of getting your DC used to spending time with your MIL. If you ever want to go to the gym, get your hair done, go shopping, see your friends you might need to rely on her and trust her childcare skills from time to time

everlong · 26/04/2012 19:22

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fourlotsoftrouble · 26/04/2012 19:23

Graham you sound so harsh! These are just babies we talking about!! If you choose to be a parent then yes certain parts of life should be put on hold, that's what good committed parents do.

LittleMissSnowShine · 26/04/2012 19:23

Doh, sorry, meant to say YANBU ha ha Grin hopefully u can tell that from the rest of my post tho!

GrahamTribe · 26/04/2012 19:24

I'll say this before I give up. Humphrey, I had a screamer who would probably beat the OP's hands down. Math, it is a question of not wanting to take the baby. The OP is able to but doesn't want to. How hard is that to grasp? I'm just looking at it from the POV of the mother of a screamer who has taken said screamer everywhere because she had to, so I know it can be done.

Spaghetti, I think I get it now. Remember the person I spoke of above whose baby didn't like going shopping so wasn't taken there? Her child was also a girl, also her first born and she was also 20 years old.

At the same time I was in my mid thirties with a baby of exactly the same age as the relative's child and I had an older child too.

Time. You learn a lot with the passing of the years. Wink

Maryz · 26/04/2012 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrahamTribe · 26/04/2012 19:31

"Graham you sound so harsh! These are just babies we talking about!! If you choose to be a parent then yes certain parts of life should be put on hold, that's what good committed parents do"

Yeah, shit, why didn't I think of that? I should have not gone shopping in case the children were bored. Tough shit if they starved as a result of course or if we had no clothes on our asses because they didn't like going to the stores.
Or maybe I should have tried harder not to be a widow with two children, hey?

You have no fucking idea, have you, Fourlotsoftrouble?

nizlopi · 26/04/2012 19:32

Graham is spot on. Listen to him.

SundayNightFever · 26/04/2012 19:33

Gosh what a hard time the OP is getting. There is no way in a million years that I could have taken my DS1 on a day out shopping where other people were involved. The supermarket / one or two shops / just me and him where I could stop and wave toys and rice cakes in his face at leisure, yes (at a push). But someone else's bridesmaid dress shopping trip? It would have been hell. And yes, I think he would have been "bored", as in completely fed up in a buggy and screaming his head off to get out and to get a bit of attention.

Those of you who are having a go at the OP for this have clearly not had this sort of baby. I've also had one who has sat happily in a buggy for hours while I've shopped, no issues at all. And if I'd only had him I might also wonder what the OP thought would happen if she took her DD shopping. But believe me, if she's anything like my DS1 it would not be pleasant for anyone involved! (OP, as an aside, he's almost 4 now and really quite likes a good John Lewis trip).

doormat · 26/04/2012 19:34

get dh/ dp to get off his trowel n look after his child

GrahamTribe · 26/04/2012 19:34

Thank you nizlopi, but Graham's a she! Grin

mathanxiety · 26/04/2012 19:35

She 'doesn't want to' for a reason, Graham, and there is no need for the 'how hard is that to grasp' bit, thank you. You have your opinion and I have mine.

I had a screamer too, and I ended up shopping late at night and working around her because it was impossible to do anything else. I never took her anywhere in the car because she went berserk in it, from the trip home from the hospital to age three. Even at home she wasn't happy (i.e. drove insane with crying) unless she was in my arms. I cooked and did housework with her sitting in a back carrier you would use for hiking. So yes, I 'didn't want to take her shopping'.

The OP is able to take her DD shopping because she has arms, legs and a buggy, but because of the nature of the trip and the nature of the baby she doesn't 'want' to. She wants to be able to choose and try on dresses, discuss dresses, discuss shoes, discuss aspects of the wedding. It is not her wedding shopping and it is not fair of her to either cancel or take the DD along to disrupt the business they are trying to take care of.

GrahamTribe · 26/04/2012 19:36

"Those of you who are having a go at the OP for this have clearly not had this sort of baby"

BULLSHIT!! Read what I put above! My 2nd child screamed day and night.

I really am going now because I'm getting cross at the level of pathetic preciousness on here.

SundayNightFever · 26/04/2012 19:40

But, Graham, someone else's day out to choose bridesmaid dresses? Fair enough take the screaming baby on your own shopping trip, but I would have been mighty pissed off if one of my bridesmaids had done this on what is presumably meant to be a relaxing girly day!

inzidoodle · 26/04/2012 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 26/04/2012 19:40

And GT, as for your smug reference to your age and wisdom as a 30something mother -- my screamer was my fourth. I was 33 when she was born and 36 by the time she could be taken anywhere. She is grand now.

My first was born when I was 25 and I never had a moment's trouble from her, same for the next two. Good thing too, as I actually couldn't leave them with exH, a nasty piece of work who thought nothing of slapping, leaving babies to cry it out, etc.

doormat · 26/04/2012 19:41

i think the only argument on here should be the op to her dp for changing his plans...so what if it has been raining..an afternoon wont kill him ffs

mathanxiety · 26/04/2012 19:42

Yep, agree.

Shelby2010 · 26/04/2012 19:45

YANBU to either not want to take DD with you or to leave her with MIL.

'Bored' is probably is the wrong word to describe how some babies get in their pushchairs - 'bloody frustrated' at not being able to investigate all the tempting new things is probably more accurate.

I take my DD shopping if I have to, but prefer not to. And if I've got a planned trip and DH has agreed to watch her then I wouldn't expect him to back out of this arrangement at the last minute.

Fourlotsoftrouble · 26/04/2012 19:46

We do not have any idea about each others lives here on mums net, I am saddened to hear of your circumstances graham & why you had to take children to the shops but I gave that response from what you said in one of your posts.

treesprite · 26/04/2012 19:48

OP, I don't think YAB at all U. Your shopping day should be a special occasion and it could be spoiled for you if you are not happy with child care. If DP agreed to have baby, he should stick to the arrangement IMO. Good luck.