to not feed my children?

[oohlordylordy]

My children are 3(coming up 4) and 2 (coming up 3).

They both require me to feed them in order for eat anything approaching 'decent' food.

I have made a lovely stew tonight. Neither will eat it. Both are looking for crisps.

Am I really being unreasonable to give them 20 minutes to eat it and then make them wait until breakfast till they get another thing?

(They would eat it if I spooned it into their mouths but I'm getting a bit tired of this now)

SO... AIBU?

I think the issue is one step at a time. If they are normally spoon-fed, hate sauces and are used to getting what they want for dinner, it seems a bit drastic to suddenly present them with a plate of stew and demand they eat it themselves or else.

I moved to using serving dishes around this age, put the plates out, put the food in dishes or just in the pans they were cooked in with a spoon and leave everyone to help themselves.

One of mine was very fussy at 3, but is much better at 6. Repeated presentation, but not in a demanding or controlling way, works, if you keep putting the carrots on their plates, they get praise for trying them, eventually, they start eating them up without complaint: she now eats sauces, vegetables, all kinds of things which were simply impossible at 3.

Not to young. My son is 3 and is told if he doesn't eat there is nothing else - no dessert and nothing later. He's rarely picky but if he is this usually does the trick if it doesn't he goes hungry.

MrsDevere - It's nothing physical re. sugar etc.,

Just DS cannot cope with anything sweet / sugary.

To be fair, I cannot eat cheese (no allergies etc. I just can;t eat it!) so I suppose he gets that from me. DS would starve rather than eat chocolate

Are the children eating with parents.

Harder to make them eat if they are just eating alone as they then have full adult attention on what they are/aren't eating.

I wouldn't buy crisps.

How do you mean he cant cope?

(this is a genuine question btw, I am interested because of DS's ASD and because of my work).

My DS sounds the opposite. He will do anything to get hold of sugary stuff. He will lie and steal and climb and go through bags, get up in the night to look for it.

It is horrible. I dont keep a lot of stuff in anyway but its got to the point where I cant look at a bar of chocolate without getting stressed.

Christmas and Easter are a bloody nightmare.

I mean, mrsdevere, he just can't eat it. There is no way I could force him. I've never seen him eat any sort of sweet thing.

DS cannot lie. He's as naughty as they come, but as truthful s the day is long!

So its the taste/texture?

I think that is why DS wants it so much. He craves the texture.

He is quite sensory seeking generally.

Yes, texture. He cannot (for example) drink orange juice 'with bits' but adores smooth orange juice. He struggles to eat anything outside of our house other than pizza. Hates all sweets etc, but adores fizzy drinks.

My DS is also quite sensory seeking. He is very tactile and affectionate and also taps things constantly.

Your DS sounds a lot like most of my DCs. DD3 especially concerned about the texture of food and also very sensitive to taste. DD1 used to tell me all sorts of things were 'bitter'. DD3 also tells me this.

Thanks, Justabout, I suppose I have to otherwise he will never eat fruit and veg. I still have to puree his fruit otherwise he just can't cope with it. It's still frustrating though.

Maybe at 2 and 3 years old they're just too tired at 5.30 (I'm guessing) to eat a proper grown up meal?. Could they have it earlier or their main meal at lunch time? And finger food for tea?

(but I know nothing - my DS and youngest DD could have competed in the worst eaters Olympics at that age)

Meh you eat it or not here.

No angst, no power struggles no controlling no arguments.

It is my job to offer them a healthy varied diet, I do that, it is their choice to eat it or not.

They are both growing into giants so the occasional skipped meal obviously hasnt caused any issues.

No way would I be spoon feeding a 2 year old, sod that.

But, Morloth - What do you do when they consistently and completely choose not to eat anything healthy, but choose to live on bread, crisps and pizza? ANd what do you do when they keep coming down with infections etc., because of that? Because that is what my DS would do.

I am more minded to agree with Justabout when it comes to DS.

But, with DD, it's complicated. On one hand she is NT so should not require being fed (and she is an excellent eater of all things healthy) but on the other she sees DS getting the extra attention and she wants that too. So, it's a difficult one for me.

I do agree with all the posters who advocate simply not having any of the snacks I know DS will reach for (and I am lucky as this does not rule out things like chocolate which works as a great reward for DD) and then make it a 'take or leave it' choice at meal times.

(FWIW, meal time is 4:45... I only posted so late because it had taken then that long sitting there trying to convince me to (1) feed them or (2) give them snacks. If I moved the main meal to lunchtime, we'd have just the same problem and it would bugger up the afternoon activities.)

I know fuck all about dealing with kids with SN but you didnt mention that in your OP.

My kids can't live on crisps and bread and pizza because we don't tend to have any in the house.

We all eat the same, they get what they get, I don't really have any advice because both of mine will either eat what is in front of them or they will accept that that means no meal. They don't realise there is any other option because there isn't and hasn't ever been.

I don't try anything really. I cook dinner, it is there, very occasionally there is a sweet afterwards. The dessert is not dependant on having eaten dinner, it is part of dinner.

I don't know about infections because my two haven't had any.

I don't think kids with SN are above trying it on when it comes to messing about, but if you think it is more than that then you need to get some more professional assistance, from your OP though it just sounds like normal kids seeing what they can get away with.

We eat about 6ish, after having lunch at about 1ish they might grab an Apple mid afternoon but I have never bothered with the constant snacking many people seem to insist on. So brekkie at about 7ish, lunch at 1ish dinner at 6ish. Both of them tend to scarf what is in front of them. Neither appear malnourished.

The jury is out with DS. I believe he is ASD. Many people do not. We do not have a formal diagnosis, but he does struggle with lots of things NT kids take absolutely for granted. For instance, we've been invited to a fancy dress party tomorrow. WHile DD is in the throws of organising, oh, abut a dozen outfits, dressing up fills DS with dread. He simply can't cope with it and is just repeating over and over 'DS go like a boy' (My son rarely refers to himself as 'i' but in the third person). In fact, if he could find a way out of the party full stop, he would take it in a heartbeat.

It's difficult to know where SN start (and there are def. some - but I take account of these) and naughty behaviour stops.

You are right, that my OP doesn't refer to any SN because in that particular case, I don't believe SN were dictating their behaviour. They were just playing to see if I would cave in.

Just to add, Morloth, my DS would often accept that not eating his meal means no meal, but would then just eat nothing until he found some bread and then come down with a throat infection / cough again.

As I Said, it's very idfficult to know if he's just extremely stubborn or does have some real SN. My gut feel is it's the latter.

'it's very idfficult to know if he's just extremely stubborn or does have some real SN. My gut feel is it's the latter.'
Sorry, but has there been a diagnosis of SN?

No, we are going through the whole assessment process at the moment.

Being 'ont he spectrum' was put out there, then it was decided it wasn't that, but social and communication difficulties (same thing?? ) but now we're just not sure.

We've only just (he's nearly 4) got him into a nursery (he detests it but is going) so we're going to have an assessment of him in a group environment.

I don't know how else to put it, but he is VERY very far from your average 4 yo. It's like he's a genius yet completely clueless all at the same time and he's totally wilful and defiant. Totally!

Ds was similar(as I've said) and things that worked /we tried were deep frying stuff like veg, making jelly/ice lollies out of veg and fruit juice. Making bread in bread maker with grated courgette and mmashed sweet potato. Making our own crisps with veg. Putting low salt on stuff-he's mad for salt
Giving him space, letting him eat elsewhere, not focussing on him at all. Leaving food out on the side and pretending not to notice if he stuck his fingers in it.
I think it was time in the end though.
I kept telling myself that dh survived on bread and potatoes for a a couple of years as a child and so did my aunty on cream crackers.
The Charlotte Moore book about hewr 2 boys gave me hope too.
My ds talked about himself by name and also reversed his pronouns til he was 6 and now he's fine, the endless questions haven't gone away though.

Hope things get better for you.

How would missing a meal or two cause a throat infection? Is he generally under nourished?

Not having a go at all, just wondering at the mechanics. People skip meals all the time and don't become sick.

I think in regards to your OP that if it is something they will eat if you spoonfeed them, then they are screwing you around by not eating it otherwise.

I am not a dictator with this by the way, I know the boys like certain things more than others so sometimes we have their favs, it is very rare for there to be nothing on their plates they won't eat, but it does happen and it is just tough luck. They are kids and sometimes kids have to do what their parents say regardless.

We often refer to DS1 as Iron Man, as in like Tony Stark he could probably build a fully flying functioning rocket from junk. But he couldn't organise his way out of a paper bag and is a total flake on the practical level.

Genius has its drawbacks.