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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not feed my children?

126 replies

oohlordylordy · 25/04/2012 17:28

My children are 3(coming up 4) and 2 (coming up 3).

They both require me to feed them in order for eat anything approaching 'decent' food.

I have made a lovely stew tonight. Neither will eat it. Both are looking for crisps.

Am I really being unreasonable to give them 20 minutes to eat it and then make them wait until breakfast till they get another thing?

(They would eat it if I spooned it into their mouths but I'm getting a bit tired of this now)

SO... AIBU?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 25/04/2012 17:55

Since there are two of them, how about a competition to see who eats the most or eats the most while staying the cleanest?

ifeelloved · 25/04/2012 17:56

Btw I'm speaking as a fussy eater, I was given in to far too much as a child. I'm not as bad as I used to be but I really wish mum had been stricter

ifeelloved · 25/04/2012 17:56

Or you could try reverse psychology. Tell them they're not allowed to eat it!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 25/04/2012 17:58

my boys were never ever offered an alternative and have grown up being fairly adventurous with food. I did not give them stuff like crisps and sweets unless it was a party occaision and they never really expected them.If they did not want to eat then they did not eat they left the table, no fuss no drama, they either came back when they realised it got them no attention and they were hungry after all, or they genuinely were not hungry so didn't. Like worra there was always a plain snack available later if I felt they wanted it, they never went hungry. we had our moments when there food fads but I never gave in unless it was a genuine dislike of something (parsnips) Just got them used to the idea that not every meal will be an absolute favourite although I do my best to make it tasty and reasonably healthy. They are 16 an 19 now and often thank me for their food saying that not many of their friends have it as good as them. must have done something right

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 25/04/2012 17:59

I think I did what ChitChat does, and it worked a treat.

To be fair on people finding it harder though, I'm not sure that ds's very good eating is down solely to me (much as I'd like to take the credit); he likes his food and always did.

People's "No nagging OR pandering" really is the key.

MadameChinLegs · 25/04/2012 17:59

I had a bit of an experience growing up where my parents made me stay at the table until I had cleared my plate, even if I said I was full. It was awful. They would also keep plates of half eaten food incase I even suggested a slight incline of hunger later that day. It was awful. And also something they never did to my sister (think they had some weird form of PFB with me).

As such, I intend (dd is only 4 months so am a while off putting this into practice) sitting for a meal, everyone sits together until we are finished (those who dont want to clear their plates dont have to, but we all sit together till eveyone is finished eating however much they choose). If dd wont eat, she wont eat. I will not cajole, co-erce, sneak food into her etc. However, regardless of how much she has eaten at dinner, I intend to always offer toast before bed. I will never ever force her to clear her plate or keep her half eaten food.

I will not be giving treats if dinner is not completely finished though.

AceOfBase · 25/04/2012 18:00

The rules at our house are pretty simple. You eat what you are given or you don't eat. If ALL dinner is eaten they get fruit. If ALL fruit is eaten they can have a choice of 'pudding' which is usually a biscuit or a square of chocolate or a mini milk. They hardly ever get to pudding tbh and its because they have had enough to eat rather than being stubborn. It took a wee while to get to this stage but they never leave their dinner anymore and will eat anything

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 25/04/2012 18:01

Oh, and no bloody crisps! A slice or two of bread and butter, that was it, if ds then decided he was hungry (a couple of times he claimed to be hungry in bed Hmm ).

Takver · 25/04/2012 18:02

If you know that they don't dislike it (which I think you're saying is the case if they'd eat it if fed), I'd leave them to it, let them get down when they've eaten as much as they like, and then reheat it for them later if they're hungry.

(The only exception would be that they have to say they're hungry before lights out time, not after!)

I don't think that's unreasonable with stew, its not like its going to be nasty reheated.

AceOfBase · 25/04/2012 18:02

Oh but if they are hungry at bedtime they can have bread and water but nothing else

valiumredhead · 25/04/2012 18:02

Why will you always offer toast madame? I agreed with what you said til then. You might find if they know toast is coming they will just hang out for toast. crafty little feckers, kids are!

Takver · 25/04/2012 18:03

MadameChinLegs - I think there's a difference between forcing you to eat everything, and kids trying it on because they want a treat and not their rather boring (in their opinion, I'm sure its good stew!) dinner.

ChitChatFlyingby · 25/04/2012 18:04

Forcing children to clear their plates is ridiculous. Childen's appetites vary enormously depending on whether they are about to go through a growth spurt, what they've done that day, etc. No adult can hope to predict how hungry a child is.

MadameChinLegs · 25/04/2012 18:04

Because DD will be at a Childminders (who I know has the same approach as me wrt mealtimes) and they eat dinner at 4pm. Therefore the days she goes there shell have supper before bed so just imagined Id also do it on the days she wont be there.

valiumredhead · 25/04/2012 18:05

Makes perfect sense madame

If ds eats that early he needs supper too.

MadameChinLegs · 25/04/2012 18:05

Takver, I wasnt suggesting that my upbringing was akin to the OPS kids, just giving an overview of my experience as a child and how I use that when thinking about how to do mealtimes with DD.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 25/04/2012 18:06

just wondering if they are fed a bit too late, is it possible to do their meal earlier? sometimes mine were just too tired / grumpy to eat. Ilovedjasondonovan my ds's never really liked sauce / gravy or 'sloppy stuff' from abot 3 until they were about 10 ! strange but I used to do the sauce on the side and suggest they try it , this had varying degrees of success, now they both stuff it down.

CustardIsMyNemesis · 25/04/2012 18:08

DD went through a phase like this when she turned 3, but only with my DH. He combated it by saying he would feed her ?half? but she had to eat her half first. Gradually the ?half? she ate got bigger and bigger, and within a couple of weeks she was back to feeding herself.

She is 3.8 now and sometimes asks to be fed, but we just reply with you eat half first and she gets bored and feeds herself it all.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 25/04/2012 18:08

madamechinlegs I could have written that myself, remember many a battle of wills especially over sprouts babycabbages thanks DM, my ds's never had this and as I said above eat well and healthily and appreciate it (now) Smile

sweetkitty · 25/04/2012 18:09

I have two that age and I've never fed them, both were BLWed so self fed from 6 months. if they eat they eat if they don't they get put down from the table and no yoghurt afterwards. I don't force them and as long as they've eaten something that's fine no clearing plates required. We all eat together with their older siblings and we don't stress about not eating. If there's something new I'll encourage them to try it but if they don't want to fine.

Totally no to crisps though. A bit of toast before bedtime would be all mine would get.

Sparks1 · 25/04/2012 18:12

It's quite simple. Eat it or nothing till breakfast.

I've never heard of a child suffering because of one missed meal. And it works. You do anything else and you're indulging them.

It's worked with DD and at age 5 she'd quite happily eat things most children wouldn't touch too.

neverquitesure · 25/04/2012 18:20

I'm with Worra on the toast but only if they have made some sort of attempt to try the food first. I do this with my two (aged 2 and 3) when introducing new foods.

I'm also with defineme on separating 'dinner' into an early tea and supper before bath & bed. My 3 year old went through a fussy stage which hugely improved after I moved their evening meal to 4pm. I think he was just tired and over hungry. They then have their supper (generally toast or, bizarrely, Shreddies) at 5:30pm before their bath.

neverquitesure · 25/04/2012 18:23

I should also add that I always eat with them (which is one of the reasons I refuse to feed them as I'd have no time to feed myself otherwise!). Now they eat at 4pm I serve myself a mini portion to eat with them and save the rest to eat with DH when they are in bed. Strange but it works for us.

mumeeee · 25/04/2012 18:23

I would give them 30 mins some children eat slowly. But don't feed them. If they haven't eaten anything then they go with out.

Moln · 25/04/2012 18:24

I've a fussy so and so here.

If he said he didn't want dinner then I told him 'that's fine' and he'd leave the table. As he left I'd tell him that I'd keep the dinner for 30 mins so if he got hungry he'd be able to eat something.

I'd leave it on the table and 9/10 he'd come back to the table and eat something.

Now he does eat but if there's something he doesn't like (which can change day to day - it was baked beans today and he's eaten them before no bother) I divided into two and he gets to decided which 'pile' he eats.

I wouldn't give the crisps either - though my fussy so and so did eat everything bar half the portion of beans and got the yoghurt he was after as a treat. I used to be bullied into eating everything on my plate (at home and by the dinner ladies) and now I think I have 'issues' that I can't leave anything on my plate, it's a bit of a inner battle to stop this (I'm a bit of a fatty bum bum and I'm trying to shrink myself - I'd love the ability to stop eating when I'm full to be stronger than the compulsion not to 'waste' food)

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