to not feed my children?

[oohlordylordy]

My children are 3(coming up 4) and 2 (coming up 3).

They both require me to feed them in order for eat anything approaching 'decent' food.

I have made a lovely stew tonight. Neither will eat it. Both are looking for crisps.

Am I really being unreasonable to give them 20 minutes to eat it and then make them wait until breakfast till they get another thing?

(They would eat it if I spooned it into their mouths but I'm getting a bit tired of this now)

SO... AIBU?

DS is 2.6. If he doesn't eat his tea, then that's it; he doesn't get anything else. I reason that if he's hungry, he'll eat. He has very strict likes and dislikes at the mo and will sometimes decide he hates everything before him. Tough.

Besides, never did me - or DH - any harm. I was raised on meat and 2 veg until I was 14 and curry (with raisins!) was invented. If I didn't like somethign I could leave it, but didn't have an alternative.

I have the opposite issue with DD. She is 16 months and refuses to be fed. She will only eat if she has an adult fork and a proper cup for water. Even a baby fork and a sippy cup won't do . The only thing I am allowed to do is load her fork IF it is hard to do and food she likes.

But why do children have to finish their mains to get to fruit or yoghurt? Isn't that a healthy thing to have as part of your meal?
What joylous controlled meal times some of these sound.
I've got 2 non fussy and 1 child who was very very fussy (partly due to his autism I would think) and it's just luck if they come out fussy or not.
Just keep offering stuff, always have bread as an alternative and chill out/have a chat.
I feel sorry for some of these kids!

Defineme - I couldn't offer bread as an alternative. my DS (almost certainly AS / Autistic) would LIVE on bread and it does nothing for his overall behaviour.

It's not about just offering stuff. It's about having to sit and spoon food into them other all they will eat is... err... bread, biscuits, crisps, more bread.

My DS will play up in every situation. I have to be firm.

And, I'm still laughing at the idea of my DS even considering TOUCHING fruit, yogs or veggies. Seriously. this is not where I am going with this thread.

Didn't plan to post, just reading with interest.

Then... I read defineme's post "But why do children have to finish their mains to get to fruit or yoghurt? Isn't that a healthy thing to have as part of your meal?
What joylous controlled meal times some of these sound."

Oh for goodness sakes, it is hardly from Stalin's Russia to have a dessert AFTER a savoury main course is it? And not exactly cruel to have a dessert of fruit or yoghurt.

A supportive thread, and then a rather illogical unsupportive comment thrown in.

I was thinking the same defineme, since when was yoghurt a treat to a child??

I am very intimidated by all these food rules. I make healthy food from scratch most nights and DS eats most of it but I'm not stall fussed if he doesn't, he often still gets a dessert that I would imagine is indulgent to most. He often has food that is considered a 'treat' after school. In fact he doesn't stop eating. I am very determined not to project my hang ups on him and DD so I don't have any rules but he has balanced his own diet. If anything he needs to put weight on, perhaps that is my only concern.

Op I think you should feed them- how did it end up this way. It is unfair to go from one extreme to the other with children so young. I think you need to gradually change things.

I did end up feeding DS.

It is the only way to get him to eat fruit and veg (still peeing myself laughing at Defineme's idea of meal times.

My son would positively cringe at the idea of a peice of apple TOUCHING HIM ( I have seen this - it's actually funny) never mind eating it.

I will ensure they eat a healthy diet, even if it requires helicoperting!!

(Defineme - before you pass out with worry - my DS cannot eat chocolate, ice cream, sweets or anything with sugar due to his autism... so fruit and yogs are really the least of my worries)

Because defineme my dcs would eat NOTHING but fruit if I let them and that is not good for them especially dd who has bowel issues and would explode if i didn't ration it carefully. I don't use fruit as a treat but I don't just hand it out freely either. It's about balance (and protecting my poor dds sensitive bowels)

*Helicoptering! SOOOO can't spell!

I wouldn't give the the crisps but would make some porridge or toast at bedtime maybe?

Because the child likes yoghurt and sees it as a treat?

If the yoghurt comments are in response because of my last post then in this case it was because it had chocolate bits in it. Yoghurt isn't always a automatic healthy option!!!!

Meal times aren't joyless in our house, but they are somewhat controlled, in as much as to ensure they contain a balance different foods. There aren't any tears or any shouting or unhappiness about it. But if I just allowed them to eat what they wanted it'd be chocolate and sausages constantly!!!

I am lucky. None of my five have been particularly fussy.
I am quite strict about food but not draconian.

I have learnt over the last 20 yars not to get het up about food. It doesnt do anyone any good.

Everyone gets the same meal. I serve up veggies but introduce them slowly.
I will always put some on the plate but I dont go on about it.

I ask them to take a few bites and then leave it.
I have found that they gradually learn to eat what is on their plate over time.

I also realise that children go through phases (particularly between 2-4 years) so I dont worry if they go for a few weeks not eating much. They generally make up for it by stuffing their faces when they feel like it.

I am happy to give a child a yogurt/fruit if they have not eaten much of their dinner but I would not offer icecream or pudding.

Having a child who will not eat is very stressful. Sometimes it is down to pandering by the parent BUT not always.

Children can have very complex eating issues and it takes a lot more than being strict to solve them.

lordy why cant your DS eat sugar? My son has ASD and I have never been told not to give him the foods you mention.

He is a bloody sugar ninja. I have to have a locked cupboard to keep the sugar/sweetners/biscuits and cake mix in. Its a bloody nightmare

It's so tedious though isn't it. Put the flipping spoon in your mouth and swallow the food. It's hardly rocket science, DC. (Ok, I haven't said this, but I do think it.)

I do a combination of above. You have to try the meal. If you try it and don't like it and it's a new meal for you (i.e. not pulling a fast one with beans on toast) then you can have toast. If not, nothing else, no pudding. "Mummy doesn't mind but there's no pudding because you are obviously not hungry," said matter of factly.

I also give small portions, so if we are going to have a food war on the day it is easier to get them to eat an acceptable amount.

I would give apple or toast an hour later though, esp to the younger one, as I have been burned by famished children who lose it two hours later cos they are so hungry. Also cos I would be worried they might wake early hungry, which is not in my interests.

Desperately stubborn DC2, nearly 3, responds very well to a lack of interest in whether she eats it or not and a refusal to argue about how much she eats. She usually just gets bored and scoffs the lot. You have to genuinely NOT care though, or pretend not to.

yy to the small portions.
Kids can be overwhelmed by piles of food.
It puts them off before they have even started.

I have to say that I am only this relaxed about food because I am on DC5 and have been watching how DCs eat for a looooooong time.

Its is much harder with your first.

OP, do you normally not eat with them?

Would it help if you all sat at a table as a family?

Yes I also didn't understand why your child can't have sugar? Also given that he is sensitive to this what would be the outcome if he ate no food, surely this would be just as bad?

Our boys get their tea, if they dont eat it they get nothing else. If they 'dont want' their tea as DS2 says 'hes full' after 1 mouthful then hes got no room for anything else.

I work full time. I am not a short order cook. I make one healthy meal for dinner for us all. I rarely make dessert but there's always fruit available. My DCs (9,6,2) can take it or leave it. I don't nag, I don't spoonfeed. They seem to have survived OK.

For DC who need a bit of encouragement to actually eat more than two mouthfuls, we've done well with "so how old are you? Four? Then you need to eat four forkfuls!" with lots of encouragement and group counting. Then we added in counting in different languages ("arent you clever being able toy count in German")
Obviously that only works when they're being stroppy so and SOS, and is not condoning force feeding in any way whatsoever

I occasionally feed my just 5 year old!

Your dc are still very little, sometimes with children wanting mummy to feed them is a comfort thing. They'll grow out of it.

Just don't buy crisps.

Perhaps I was a bit harsh.

I honestly do know where you're coming from.

My ds (who I mentioned is autistic and has been/is fussy) would run screaming from the room, hands over ears, if someone crunched an apple near him. Now he's 10 he knows that's inappropriate but will flinch, but in his relaxed moments he has now tried apple several times and will have it as part of compote with pleasure.

You would get a huge amount of advice on the sn board.
Mine would still be to never not feed them (no effect in my experience) and not get hung up about whether you should be spoon feeding. I've had to accept a lot of stuff from ds over the years and it's been a long road.He still often eats in another room because we stress him out, but he eats veg and some fruit whereas it was beans and nothing else when he was 4. He does pester for crips, but we don't have them so that's the end of that.

Removing rules/ emotions/expectations of a 'normal/ meal time was really the only way. I was told by a nutritionist to remove suga from ds's diet too, but as the same person recc 'natural' squash with shed loads of sugar in it I decided to go for everything in moderation instead.

I do think some autism is certainly exacerbated by gluten/dairy and there are tests for this-my ds was tested by university of sunderland via post.

I hope things improve for you.

Agree with goldenbear and defineme.

You really don't need such harshly defined rules when it comes to eating. Meaaltimes should be relaxed and fun - that sets up good, happy eating habits for life. It's a home not a dictatorship!

Personally I would be a LOT stricter on the the sort of food you bring into your house. You don't need to have crisps in the house - we have them as an occasional treat when out and about. If the junk's not there, then it's not an issue.

The issue here is not them not liking the food (they clearly do if you feed them) but the wanting to be fed. It's not so terrible to feed a 2 and 3 year old sometimes. Lighten up. If you absolutely refuse point blank to feed them, then you are being as stubborn as them. Why not try feeding them a few spoonfuls to get them going then they take over?

I would save the food and, if they were hungry later, they could have it microwaved. Sort of an, eat now or eat later, but you're not getting bloody crisps sort of thing :o