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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder if I should ask for payment for childcare from a friend

111 replies

Belleflowers · 24/04/2012 08:22

basically, a new friend has 3 kids 10, 8 and 7. Her husband works lots and she has just had major surgery in London, meaning she is out of action for the forseeable.

I had offered to pick up all 3 kids take them to mine after school with my 2 kids one day each week, 2 pm until 6pm. their dad usually got them at 7pm.

now it turns out she needs them picked up and looked after tues wed and thursday afternoons. apparently no other parents or mums from school have offered help with pickup or a rota when she has told them she'll be out of action for about 7 mths.

so i have said I'll do it.

Thing is, they havent mentioned anything regarding payment, as basically this is a childminding offer from me, and it will mean my afternoons 3 days a week between 2pm and 6pm are involved with her kids here, just as i was about to start looking for part time work.

Both her husband and herself have said indirectly jokingly 'ohhhj are you sure, we'll have to give you something for it.

..I've said 'sure! ' but nothing forthcoming or definite has emerged from anyone.

they told me they were paying 250 a week to a childminder before, but she doesnt want to get a childminder now.

but i figure i need to get paid - i want to help my friend, but dont want to be taken for a bit of a walkover and It is a lot of driving around for all their extra curricular activites after school etc.

am i being unreasonable to expect payment for this favour? how do i go about it?

OP posts:
Belleflowers · 24/04/2012 12:02

feel relieved to get support on this, thanks ladies

thought i was getting my head in a spin about nothing again, just when i thought I'd got my own family life and DC week into a nice calm routine. It's busy enough, and i do get easily overwhelmed with anxiety issues etc but have been working on those and feeling more in control of my days then this comes about and I dont know where I'm supposed to be!

just dont think I can commit to it. simple as that. thats what childminders and nannies were invented for - to be employed as backups to families when friends or family cant help out.

will advise the father I cant do it later today when he picks up DCs. not looking forward to it, but has to be done face to face rather than text although still feel i need to put it in writing, as he may not register it if kids are noisy when i tell him iyswim

OP posts:
Fooso · 24/04/2012 12:02

Would say happy to do one day a week - other days too much. Let them make other arrangements - I think what they're asking is way more than "a favour".

valiumredhead · 24/04/2012 12:02

How does she sound like a taker? Confused

Let's not forget the OP did agree to it then changed her mind.

People need help sometimes, people have surgery/accidents and need to ask for help. Say no if you can't help but I think it's very unfair to label her as a 'taker.' To me it sounds like the OP offered then changed her mind, that's all.

ENormaSnob · 24/04/2012 12:08

I think friend is taking the piss.

3 kids for 15 hours per week? No chance.

Oh and I have been on the other side of this. Laparotomy and icu stay, followed by weeks of recovering. I paid for childcare because I think putting so much on a pal is way out of order.

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 12:09

It will probably feel really awkward, but you will feel massively better afterwards. Also - top tip - don't over-apologise, it just makes you come across as being in a weak position. Be surgical about it and allow yourself one apology at the start and another in the middle but that's the limit, end the announcement with what you will be doing for them.

So: I'm sorry to have to tell you, but the plan for me to do XXX isn't possible because of XXX, sorry about that, however I will still do YYY for you

Well done for asking the question and not just going along with it all - takes guts.

You are king and gutsy - good combo. Grin

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 12:13

Valium agree OP offered and is reconsidering. But think lady sounds like a taker as
she asked in the first place and hasn't discussed how costs can be mitigated when Op would be ferrying her children to hobbies etc

hasn't batted an eyelid that someone will be looking after her 3 kids 3 times a week for 7 months when most people would be falling over themselves to say thank you, and, are you sure, it won't affect you too badly will it? etc

jokingly mentioned money but hasn't followed it up with anything firmer when most people would need to plan for any financial element to a favour and she should realise that.

TheCunningStunt · 24/04/2012 12:16

Sounds like you have to sorted op....
Ps to who ever asked...Scottish schools don't finish at 2pm ....3.20 where I live.

Belleflowers · 24/04/2012 12:28

thecunning - was a typo sorry re the time of pickup

seems sorted to me, fingers crossed, but would rather tell them now than leave it longer and have everyone thinking it was fine

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 24/04/2012 12:32

You offered one day a week, not three. It's not your problem if they can't find another mum to do it for free. Ask them to get a childminder for the other days.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/04/2012 12:33

"but i can do it for this week and next, until mid may latest"
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO !!!

Do NOT be vague about the end date - they will push for 'just' a little more - repeatedly. This week only. Next week possibly. Absolutely no longer. And asGinPalace said - do not over-apologise.

Just keep reminding yourself of what you said in your OP, because it shows exactly what sort of people you are dealing with - "they told me they were paying 250 a week to a childminder before, but she doesnt want to get a childminder now." Well, no, they'd much rather save £1,000/month by dumping their responsibilities onto you. (Seriously - is she really a friend?)

thebody · 24/04/2012 13:14

Good luck babe, and just a reminder to ones who said you would have to register as a cm.

It takes at least 6 months to register and to set up properly from scratch including toys, equipment, ofsted register and courses insurance for car and business, crb check etc etc..
It cost me around £500. Not feasible unless it's business you want to start properly

Blacksquirrel · 24/04/2012 13:22

How out of action is she? Is she unable to get up at all?

Can you not pick them up & take them home to their own house? I would think them old enough to grab a snack & sit & do homework or watch tv as long as the mum was in the house.

DublinMammy · 24/04/2012 13:41

Good luck Belle, let us know how you get on. Wish I had Neeps and Gin on tap to help with any awkward conversation I need to have!

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 13:44

OOOooo that's nice Dublin thanks. Grin

parkavenue · 24/04/2012 14:52

If you accept payment you are breaking the law - you need to get registered with Ofsted if you want paying!

notactuallyme · 24/04/2012 15:11

Agree the taker side of things is v unfair - maybe she can no longer afford a childminder if she can't work all this time? But I have had a brilliant idea! If she is off, why. not pick the kids up and drop them to her straight after school?

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/04/2012 15:19

I expect that OP's 'friend' would say that she is unable to do all the "driving around for all their extra curricular activites after school etc." so still needs help.

TBH, the children are 10, 8 and 7. Unless the mother is actually bedbound, couldn't they just drop the extra-curricular activities for the 7 months and she could supervise her own children? They are old enough to help out with meals etc. It wouldn't be the end of the world.

Belleflowers · 24/04/2012 18:16

all sorted now have spoken to them

I was just honest, said i'd love to do more, but i couldnt give a proper commitment to helping out for the duration they needed.

Plus mentioned I wasnt sure how it would go if anything happened while they were in my care.

Too much commitment, basically.

they were lovely about it all, said they never expected me to do so much etc

felt awful, but it's best for everyone longterm if childcare for our children is sorted with proper childcare professionals, rather than friends in this way. it doesnt really work if its for such a long time.

thnks again for helping me get things clear and for giving me the confidence to go forth and be confident (felt i had an army of mumsnetters in the room with me).

feel like i can get back to normal and resume making plans for my jobsearches now.

OP posts:
gobbledegook1 · 24/04/2012 19:48

Glad you got it sorted and they were ok with it.

I was going to say you sound soft. If I had been kind enough to offer to do 1 day a week and they asked me for 3 I'd have either said I can't do 3 due to other commitments or said that I would but they would have to cover expenses. That way they would know it was going to cost from the off.

Personally if I was offered that level of help I would be insisting on paying towards food and transport.

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 20:25

Well that is the absolute best outcome you could have hoped for. Brilliant! Grin

Everyone appreciates where the other is coming from, you get to hear the appreciation they hadn't managed to convey well before.

They still think you're lovely and you haven't put yourself so far out you would begin to resent it. Superb, job well done.

Time for a Wine I think. Grin

Belleflowers · 24/04/2012 22:08

Gin - many thanks, superb chat and advice from you today - had a Wine and a hot bath.

thank you all for helping me avoid a potential real life drama

DH doesnt know what all the fuss was about, but then he isnt living my life is he?!

I am telling myself to toughen up in future, aiming for some decent assertiveness skills up my sleeve.

Surely situations like these can only help me learn how to handle life out there in all its forms lol

nite all

OP posts:
FunnysInLaJardin · 24/04/2012 22:32

nite Belle and well done. That took some guts, but we are all glad you did it Grin and glad that it went so well.

thebody · 24/04/2012 22:40

Well done , bet you feel such a release. Enjoy wine babe.

starsintheireyes · 24/04/2012 22:46

lol that always makes me laugh- "You are breaking the law if you look after someone else's children in your own home for payment of any kind!"

Its an absurd rule/law thats completely unenforcable!

McHappyPants2012 · 24/04/2012 22:57

Op I an glad it is sorted.

But why is it illegal to pay a trusted friend to look after children because I have done this a few times

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