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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if I should ask for payment for childcare from a friend

111 replies

Belleflowers · 24/04/2012 08:22

basically, a new friend has 3 kids 10, 8 and 7. Her husband works lots and she has just had major surgery in London, meaning she is out of action for the forseeable.

I had offered to pick up all 3 kids take them to mine after school with my 2 kids one day each week, 2 pm until 6pm. their dad usually got them at 7pm.

now it turns out she needs them picked up and looked after tues wed and thursday afternoons. apparently no other parents or mums from school have offered help with pickup or a rota when she has told them she'll be out of action for about 7 mths.

so i have said I'll do it.

Thing is, they havent mentioned anything regarding payment, as basically this is a childminding offer from me, and it will mean my afternoons 3 days a week between 2pm and 6pm are involved with her kids here, just as i was about to start looking for part time work.

Both her husband and herself have said indirectly jokingly 'ohhhj are you sure, we'll have to give you something for it.

..I've said 'sure! ' but nothing forthcoming or definite has emerged from anyone.

they told me they were paying 250 a week to a childminder before, but she doesnt want to get a childminder now.

but i figure i need to get paid - i want to help my friend, but dont want to be taken for a bit of a walkover and It is a lot of driving around for all their extra curricular activites after school etc.

am i being unreasonable to expect payment for this favour? how do i go about it?

OP posts:

Original poster

Belleflowers · 24/04/2012 10:30

funnys- yes, this is what it feels like it could become, a situation you describe

i'm sure there are plenty of other options, maybe i just made it a bit easy by saying I would help. BUT I clearly didnt think it through properly, as just wanted to help a friend.

3 kids is a LOT. I wouldnt leave my kids with another friend withe expectation that the friendship would suffice as an agreement to help out, it's a big expectation really.

And to be honest if I knew i should be finding a childminder, I would find one, even if my kids didnt want one.

I think they need to sort it out better.

personally I dont want to be a childminder - I had just found the happy place in my life now that my youngest is at preschool and oldest at school where I could get my life back again in a way, ie look for work related to my degree and retrain in something which would get my brain going again. Plus trying to do hobbies and run a house with an absentee husband who works globally throughout the week is lots to occupy my time too. Probably looks like I have loads of time on my hands being a SAHM for now, but I have plans and needs and wants to get parttime work.

What about MEEEE is my cry today!! selfish or what?!!

thanks to you all though this morning, I can see clearer about it all

OP posts:

FunnysInLaJardin · 24/04/2012 10:43

Good Luck Belle. Let us know how it goes. You have every right to be selfish, esp in these circs! If your friend falls out with you or gets upset, don't worry. Her DC are not your responsibility.

DublinMammy · 24/04/2012 10:45

Belleflowers, asking "what about me?" is NOT selfish, it is perfectly reasonable. You are entitled to use your time however YOU want, you are not obliged to give up all your plans for someone you hardly know just because it would be good for them. Good luck telling them you cannot now allow them to take complete advantage of you help out as per your previous offer, for all the reasons mentioned above. You sound like a really nice person, just the sort cheeky buggers like this will try to exploit.

BTW I would tell them ASAP, don't wait until next week!

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 10:53

She say her kids don't want a childminder but as you are 'new' friends you are no different to a childminder in her kids eyes anyway.

i would hesitate to ask a favour like this of a long standing fully willing close friend and would be making it clear that it must be at personal cost etc.

She is also foolish for relying on favours and is perhaps just hoping the freebies will last as long as poss. It is one thing as a temporary stop-gap measure but when it is long term and able to be planned for the parents need to do that properly. I personally think she is taking you for a ride.

It is a massive personal commitment and what would you do if you got a job!?

You need to extricate yourself from this sharpish - it smells all wrong and it will only get harder and harder to untangle yourself the deeper you get in.

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 10:55

If she was in A&E getting patched up that's when to do a favour like that. This situation can be planned for by the parents and that is what they should do.

favours are great and you are clearly a fab friend to have but not at great personal cost when the parents could have other options of they just looked into it and sorted it out.

MarySA · 24/04/2012 10:58

One day a week for a short time would be OK as a favour. Three days a week for seven months then it's basically a job. That's what I'd think. If it was me I'd say I'd thought about it and talked it over with my DP and really couldn't manage that level of committment. But would do the one day for a few weeks till she could sort out something else. These kind of arrangements have a habit of making you more and more resentful. It just isn't worth it. I'm all for helping folk out but there is a limit.

thebody · 24/04/2012 11:00

U arnt selfish pet, u r just the opposite, your life see
S sorted at the moment and good for you, don't let these cheeky free loaders make you feel bad.

Let us know how it goes though wont you as interested.

HecateTrivia · 24/04/2012 11:06

I think neeps has come up with the perfect solution. If I were you, OP, I'd say that to her.

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 11:07

thebody I love being called pet... seeing you say that to OP made me feel warm and fuzzy.

Freeloaders is the exact right term for these people - no-one imposes on someone to that extent without serious reservations and oodles of reassurance it is totally ok. The minimum offer you should have heard pass their lips by now is petrol money, and you haven't.

I'd be steering well clear and save your gorgeous willing hands for someone who will appreciate it!! They obviously think you have time on your hands to kill.

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 11:09

agree Neeps is a genious.

thebody · 24/04/2012 11:22

Lol Gin she is a pet isn't she.

Also agree Neeps.

DeWe · 24/04/2012 11:22

I think if you except payment you'll have to register as a childminder, which will almost certainly cost more than you'll get from her.

I think it's mean to offer (they didn't ask) and then require payment.

letseatgrandma · 24/04/2012 11:25

Get out of this now and do it today! Whatever you do, don't do it after having had them a week because they won't be able to find an alternative and you will be guilted into doing it anyway.

This is a massive ask for them. Presume that they were always going to pay you and say that you've looked into it and it would be illegal to accept money and you intend to get a p/t job/study etc. Their children: their problem. Don't make it yours- they sound like complete freeloaders actually. How long have you known them and what on earth has she had done that's so serious she can't leave the house for 7 months! Sounds like her husband needs to take 6 months off work to look after everyone.

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 11:29

DeWe doing someone a favour is a two-way street though. You do the favour the other person reciprocates with an appropriate amount of gratitude (doesn't have to be money).

The lady OP is helping appears to be taking it very for granted, and wearing that, 3 times a week (12 hours x 3 kids) for 7 long months would make you feel rather abused I think.

My parents helped me for a whole day once a week for 9 months. They were willing and expected no reward but it made such a difference to our lives at the time we paid for them to go on a holiday for a long weekend. It felt like a suitable way of showing our appreciation. And that was the childs own grandparent!!!

The situation is not an emergency once it is going on that long the initial crisis is over, and the parents are being very expectant to think that other people will provide for that need for the duration. It doesn't sound like they can't afford the childcare!

letseatgrandma · 24/04/2012 11:29

It's very telling that all of the people that she's asked/hinted to for help have said no! Have they all known the family for longer than you??

Original poster

Belleflowers · 24/04/2012 11:37

ginpalace - yes, parents or family i would expect this level of sustained care from, not someone i know only for less than a year...

all making sense, you are a fabulous bunch of ladies honestly

letseat - yes they have, all suddenly busy with other things when asked apparently

been cleaning and thinking.

Yes they do need professional backup care childminder or nanny or whatever. i'm legally none of ose things.

The only thing i offered was in kindness, but now realise what it could involve.

Going to tell them that DH has reminded me i am supposed to be looking for and getting partitme work now that youngest is at preschool and i have more hours free in the week. (will blame DH that i cant now commit to it)

but i can do it for this week and next) until mid may latest. that should give them time to sort out other stuff hopefully.

Feel so mean, but feel worse at feeling like my week is blocked up with this level of care and comittment for another family - no perks for me - except helping someone out, which is always great...up to a point, which is my point

OP posts:

MagnifyingGlassSearch · 24/04/2012 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

letseatgrandma · 24/04/2012 11:41

Good plan. Make it a definite plan though-not waffly. I'd give them a date that you will do up until-not just Mid-may and that you have something to do on that date meaning you aren't available; a course/interview or something. The more vague you are-the more likely they will just get to that date and expect you to carry on with it.

When are you going to tell them?

Is she seriously ill? There aren't many things that render you completely unable to look after your own school-age children. Who is collecting them on the other days?

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 11:51

Blimey Belle don't feel mean - you will still be giving them a MASSIVE help with the limited version of the plan, as it will still buy them lots of time to get sorted and be a huge bonus. They should be fainting with gratitude to get that frankly!!

cast of that feeling of being mean right away and remember you are helping them when no-one else is so you are a feckin' hero !!!!!!!

Fluffy1234 · 24/04/2012 11:52

I'd pull out now as it sounds iffy to me and you already sound a bit stressed from it. Like the others have said use the law as your excuse. Then just offer help in ways such as if she needs bits of shopping etc but don't get involved with helping/ looking after her children. She sounds like a 'taker' to me.

letseatgrandma · 24/04/2012 11:53

I agree with this 100%

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 11:53

Echo letseat advice to be definite not vague. The sort of takers these people seem to be will let you hang yourself with your own rope if you let them.

Original poster

Belleflowers · 24/04/2012 11:54

phew! x

OP posts:

GinPalace · 24/04/2012 11:55

Funny how so many people are seeing 'taker' in big flashing lights.... When you've got out don't look back and breath a sigh of relief from the close shave you had.

aquafunf · 24/04/2012 11:56

Well done OP- in the nicest possible way, you were being taken for a mug!

good swerve.

remember- no is a complete sentence

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