Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think this is not me being 'evil'?

95 replies

Binxy · 22/04/2012 06:10

So, my youngest ds is a bad sleeper. He is 2 and going through a particularly bad phase at the moment and wakes up all the time. As I am currently a sahm my dh believes it is my job to get uP with him if he does wake in the night. Which I think is fine since he works but onthe weekend the same rules apply. We have one lie in each at the weekend but I have to get up in the night both nights and if ds wakes up on dh's turn I have to sooth him/get him back to sleep if he wakes up 'too early' for dh to have to do it.

This mornIng I think ds had some sort of nightmare so i brought him in bed with us and then he woke again he was flailing around and crying out (but in his sleep.) I tried to calm him but don't think he could hear me, so I patted him and eventually he woke up properly and then wanted to play. (5.40am)

Dh was Absolutely furious that on my lie in I didn't make ds stay in bed longer. Apparently I am an evil fucking bitch.

Am I? I mean I kind of think if it is the weekend and it is my lie in maybe I should be lying in and he should be soothing ds bAck to sleep not getting angry with me for waking him to early.
AIBU?

OP posts:

ewaczarlie · 22/04/2012 15:06

Sorry that was meant to say "you are NOT evil or a bitch"

Original poster

Binxy · 22/04/2012 15:08

Thanks everyone for replying. I think I'm holding on because when he's nice it's not that bad...(sounds rubbish) and probably because I've been buying into what he said and thought I was just being lazy. He's so adamant I'm wrong. Even now he thinks it's so horrible of me to say I shouldn't have to wake up to soothe the baby if its my lie in but too early for him. He thinks I'm completely unreasonable and selfish. I think it would be hard for the dcs and I'm acting for myself. I suppose above all I just feel confused and doubt myself so much because he will tell me that what I strongly believe is just not true all the time.

I get in really well with his mum. She is a lovely lady. When we had fallen out because he says I am so lazy and I disagreed he came to bed early for he first time in months an then while I was trying to sleep started saying things like' just so you know my mum thinks your lazy too and that you don't look after the children properly that thu are always a mess' I don't hunk that but it really makes me doubt my own perceptions iykwim.

OP posts:

Original poster

Binxy · 22/04/2012 15:11

Aww ewac that doesn't seem fair at all. Is he not willing to compromise on it? I cannot imagine how you must feel after being sleep deprived for so long and going out to work too!

OP posts:

PurpleRomanesco · 22/04/2012 15:15

He said what ?

Jesus Binxy, If someone else posted that what would you tell them? :(

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2012 15:17

Binxy, this man is horrible. Can you see any advantage to being with him? I can't. You have to feel happy in your own home. Your baby will pick up on your fear and unhappiness.

FWIW I doubt very much that his mum said that at all. More than likely he was slagging you off and she ignored him. He's interpreted that as agreement.

AbigailAdams · 22/04/2012 15:20

Oh Binxy. He is the one being selfish. He is the one refusing to get up on his turn. I mean too early?? Why is it too early for him but not for you?

He is a shit. Sorry but I am so furious at how unfair he is being. Please let this be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/04/2012 15:20

Binxy, love, he is abusing you. What he is doing is grinding you down until you have no confidence in your own abilities or opinions. His behaviour towards you is absolutely disgusting. Don't be thinking that just because he isn't hitting you, that you are not the victim of abuse.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 22/04/2012 15:25

Blinxy - He's horrible, I don't think that 'when he's nice it's not that bad' is a good enough reason to stay with him :(

If his Mum is home tomorrow (and he is at work) I would go around and say to her, 'I'm sorry to hear that you think I'm lazy and that I don't look after the children properly' and see what she says. I'm betting she never said that -then you can tell her that her son said she did... and while you are there you can tell her that she will need to get a room made up for her DS as he will be moving out of yours. GIT.

Please don't doubt yourself. He is being a complete and total arse and treating you like shit - you don't have to live like that. It will be far easier on your own with the kids, without him bringing you down.

MrsAmaretto · 22/04/2012 15:27

I think Purple is right. Re-read your posts and imagine what you would say.

Your husband is a nasty piece of work, trying to destroy your self confidence & sense of self.

I hope you can soon see this and take steps to protect yourself.

How long before he tells your children you're a lazy bitch?

You seem wonderful, please listen to your mum.

thatisall · 22/04/2012 15:47

I'm so surprised that nobody has said it yet....? Leave the bastard! lol

But seriously, whether this is a learning curve because you're new parents or a sign of the horrors to come...DO NOT out up with it. What are you teaching your dc about respect? Whatever the reasons there is no excuse for the way he is speaking to you, full stop. You need to put your foot down now.

Jux · 22/04/2012 15:56

How about you tell him it's either couple counselling or divorce?

Many dh's cave in to that one; expected to go along to be told how utterly unreasonable the wife is and come out gobsmacked that they are the unreasonable ones. Some try to do better thereafter (obviously, some don't, simply don't believe the counsellor, but they're irredeemable and better to know that sooner, than waste years trying to placate a man who won't be placated, and will simply put more and more onus on you for the 'misery' his life is).

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 22/04/2012 16:05

''Things have been bad since ds was born and really bad sInce December. Sometimes he is absolutely lovely: nice and funny. But he has another side where he will throw things, yell nasty things and do anything he can to wind me up. ''

That's completely normal .... for an abuser that is.

It's highly doubtful his mum said that nasty thing about you, he's probably lying to hurt you and undermine your confidence in your own abilities.

Do you ever get the feeling that he might actually physically harm you one day?

Finally, take a look at this discussion. Do any of these accounts ring any bells?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 22/04/2012 16:25

You have 2 sons? How would you feel about them imitating the kind of behaviour your dh is showing? How do you feel about them treating you (and their wives and girlfriends one day) the way your dh does. Is it worth putting up with such a horrible man only to see your precious boys growing up to be just like him...?

margerykemp · 22/04/2012 17:07

He THROWS things?! Wtf! Get the hell out of there. Your DSs aren't safe in that environment.

BoffinMum · 22/04/2012 20:35

Yup, red flag, time to go or chuck him out. Sorry, but there it is.

Sarcalogos · 22/04/2012 21:53

You don't deserve to be treated like this.

He doesn't deserve you.

Please think about your future, what do you want it to be like?

titfortat · 22/04/2012 23:55

He is abusing you. Emotionally and mentally. Get out. He is a nasty piece of shit.

For what it is worth, my partner works 40 hours a week. I am a SAHM. I get lie ins every weekend, apart from when I take our kids once a month for a weekend to visit my family as they live so far away. He also does the vacuuming, dishes, and does a thorough clean of the house every week. All I do is look after the kids whilst he is at work, cook, do the washing, and the nightly duties. You are in a partnership. You are BOTH parents and BOTH live in your home. Just because he works, it does not mean he gets out of responsibilities at home.

You deserve better.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/04/2012 00:20

"I have been thinking about leaving for ages but don't just want to quit."
You would not be 'just quitting'. You are being driven to it, and driven very hard by a man who is just not worth your consideration.

thatisall · 23/04/2012 00:32

OP I think resigning yourself to a life of psychological abusive ...is quitting.

cory · 23/04/2012 09:04

Just to sum up.

These things are normal:

*a 2yo with unsettled sleep patterns.

(not true of every 2yo but I come from a large extended family and have enough experience to know that some children are Just Like That)

*a small child who struggles to settle into nursery

These things are not normal:

a grown man who throws things when he is in a tantrum
a grown man who blames all the difficulties of child-rearing on his wife
a grown man who uses this kind of language to his wife

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread