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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not me being 'evil'?

95 replies

Binxy · 22/04/2012 06:10

So, my youngest ds is a bad sleeper. He is 2 and going through a particularly bad phase at the moment and wakes up all the time. As I am currently a sahm my dh believes it is my job to get uP with him if he does wake in the night. Which I think is fine since he works but onthe weekend the same rules apply. We have one lie in each at the weekend but I have to get up in the night both nights and if ds wakes up on dh's turn I have to sooth him/get him back to sleep if he wakes up 'too early' for dh to have to do it.

This mornIng I think ds had some sort of nightmare so i brought him in bed with us and then he woke again he was flailing around and crying out (but in his sleep.) I tried to calm him but don't think he could hear me, so I patted him and eventually he woke up properly and then wanted to play. (5.40am)

Dh was Absolutely furious that on my lie in I didn't make ds stay in bed longer. Apparently I am an evil fucking bitch.

Am I? I mean I kind of think if it is the weekend and it is my lie in maybe I should be lying in and he should be soothing ds bAck to sleep not getting angry with me for waking him to early.
AIBU?

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 22/04/2012 08:46

Just because he woh, it doesn't make him the more important person in your relationship. You need to remind him of this.

The best way to do this is to reduce what you do - he is massively taking you for granted if he thinks it is fine for you to do all the night time care and to talk to you this way because you've had the cheek to expect him to get up early when it's his turn.

If this was me, the worm would have turned, following what he said.

Remember, it is your job to look after ds when your dh is at work, but when he comes home, the parenting is 50% his responsibility. I would point out that so far you have been nice and done more than your fair share, but seeing as he has no fucking respect or manners, this will be stopping and in future you will be expecting him to do more.

I think you shouldn't let this go - respect is fundamental in a relationship (and I don't think you can have love without it). There is a lot of imbalance here which needs addressing.

If this is normal behaviour for him, I'd reconsider my sah status and try to go back to work and would be considering my options wrt the future of this relationship. No one should be speaking to their partner like this purely because they don't want to get up early!

BoffinMum · 22/04/2012 08:50

My DH works unbeliveable hours and he does most of the night time stuff for various reasons, unless he's ill or completely shattered. I do other things, like talk down the older kids with my teacher-type hat on.

I have to say if he spoke to me like that I'd show him the door, or piss off to my mum's until he apologised. That's awful.

margerykemp · 22/04/2012 09:06

That is verbal abuse! Seriously does he speak to anyone else like that?

I'd find it hard to believe that this is isolated and there aren't other abuses going on here. OP I hope you are ok.

Personally I think you have to be looking for routes out of this relationship.

Debsbear · 22/04/2012 09:19

Ok so we're all agreed that DP shouldn't ever speak to OP in that way, now for practical solutions to her problem (assuming that she doesn't walk out the door). Have you seen the alarm clocks with sleeping eyes that open at a time you have set it to? You could try one of these for your DC. I know it won't help with nightmares but it might help him to understand what is an acceptable time to get up to play. Tbh, 5.40 am is far too early and I'm with your DP on that! What I'm not agreeing with is that it is YOUR responsibility alone to get him to stay in bed until a decent time. Do you have a tv/ dvd player in your bedroom that he could watch quietly on occassions like this? Or a stairgate on his bedroom door so he can play quietly while you both sleep until say 7 am? (in my house a lot later!! Grin) You obviously both need your sleep, and need to take turns on it. Are you a good catnapper/ can you sleep in the day? If so is there any chance that you could get up early with Dc and then go back to bed at 8am or 3 pm or whenever?

AbigailAdams · 22/04/2012 09:20

That is very nasty of your H. It would be a deal breaker for me on this occasion alone. But as margery says I can't imagine this is an isolated incident.

fuzzpig · 22/04/2012 09:22

He called you an evil fucking bitch?

Everything else in your post is irrelevant, if so. There's no excuse for that.

AbigailAdams · 22/04/2012 09:24

Confused He wasn't up at 5.40 playing around Debsbear. He was still having nightmares. And just because 5.40 is "too early" doesn't mean the OP has to get up.

AhsokaTano · 22/04/2012 09:24

I don't think there's anything remotely evil about comforting a distressed 2 yr old. What would your husband have preferred to do?

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 22/04/2012 09:26

You poor thing - OP, are you ok? It would break my heart if my husband spoke to me like that, even if I did deserve it, which you most certainly don't in this situation.

HecateTrivia · 22/04/2012 09:27

he called you an evil fucking bitch?

He is out of order.

Newflash for him - small children often wake up early.

Vile to speak like that to the person you are supposed to love

KitCat26 · 22/04/2012 09:32

YANBU. Absolutely no excuse for using language like that. I'd be FURIOUS.
As far as I can see you were being a lovely mum to your toddler.

I do all the nights in our house, but DH works 6 days a week and the kids don't wake up often, if they do he never seems to hear them anyway. If DD1(2.7) wakes she usually comes to our room and sleeps with us, that way we all get to sleep longer, even if it is a bit of a squash.

AbigailAdams · 22/04/2012 09:33

Well exactly Hecate. You did nothing wrong OP and neither did you DC. He on the other hand...

Practical suggestions I would like to give would be:

Ring Women's Aid
Leave (either permanently or temporarily)
Throw him out.

Nancy66 · 22/04/2012 10:05

Oh FGS.....

Here we go again with all the 'leave him' shit.

Sleep deprivation turns people into monsters. The OP's DH said something unpleasant in the heat of the moment.

Sorting out the child's sleep issue is the more pressing issue here

HecateTrivia · 22/04/2012 10:12

It's a vile thing to say and inexcusable.

My first child woke up every 2 hours, every single night, for the first fifteen months of his life. Every. Single. Night. We were like a pair of bloody zombies!

Then, when he was 15mths - our second son was born.

My husband never. Never ever. EVER. Spoke to me like that. Not when he was going to work on no sleep, not when he was staggering down 2 flights of stairs for a bottle for the 4th time that night.

It isn't an excuse. It really isn't.

I'm not suggesting it's a reason to leave! But it's not ok.

Sarcalogos · 22/04/2012 10:14

I wouldn't do a stroke of work in the house or for DC until I received a full and frank apology (obviously would intervene if DC were in danger..).

If the apology wasn't forthcoming in about12-24 hours (max) I would be preparing to kick him out/going away for a few days.

You cannot allow him to speak to you like that, it's disgusting.

Murderers could be described as 'evil fucking bitches'. Not your loving wife who has been up in the night comforting your toddler.

LimeLeafLizard · 22/04/2012 10:19

I SAH at the moment, DH works FT. We share night wakings and lie-ins through the week and weekend.

You need to have a proper conversation with DH and tell him you need him to do his half, so you can crack this problem together.

Re. the sleeping, we had the same problem with DS2. His night terrors disturbing us more than him! He squeals a lot anyway but at night the sound just goes right through you. We were quite tough (i.e. didn't bring him into our bed) but that is easier to do if you have the support of a loving partner.

It has gotten slowly better and now (he is 3.9) he cries out just once or twice a night and usually self-soothes without us having to get out of bed.

AbigailAdams · 22/04/2012 10:22

The child is behaving appropriately for a 2 yr old. The husband is not behaving appropriately at all. The pressing matter is not the child's sleep pattern. The pressing matter is why this man felt it was OK to call the person he is supposed to love an evil bitch when she had done nothing wrong. But hey let's take the focus off the man's bad behaviour, Nancy and sort out the child so the husband doesn't have any reason to call her a bitch Hmm

BlueFergie · 22/04/2012 10:29

nancy66 did you read the OP. OP does ALL night weakening and early mornings with her DS. Her DH. is not sleep deprived as he doesn't do anything to help during the night. Been woken once at 5.40 is irritating but is not sleep deprivation. So he doesn't have that as an excuse for his disgusting behaviour. not that it is an excuse anyway.

ledkr · 22/04/2012 10:39

These threads always illustrate that the role of a stay at home parent is still totally undervalued and underestimated.

Until this changes men like him will always behave this way because people likenancy will sympathise with him as the one who needs sleep more.

Even my own Mother expresses concern when my dh has been up with the children as he must be tired. Even though i work part time.

Being a sahm does not mean you dont need sleep.

Nancy66 · 22/04/2012 10:57

....i just don't think that one frustrated person calling another a name in the heat of the moment is the end of the world.

ledkr · 22/04/2012 11:06

nancy On that i do agree with you but it does seem that lots of men do seem to think its their divine right to sleep just because they go out to work,id like to see the work of the sahm valued and appreciated and then these silly selfish men would be less likely to believe that this is acceptable behaviour.
If a mother behaved like this cos they had to get up with their child there would be outrage.

I was out last night for a couple of drinks and my baby who normally sleeps till 7 woke at 5.20. Yes i was tired and didnt feel like getting up but i did and didnt swear at dh who stayed in bed because it was my turn.

Original poster
Binxy · 22/04/2012 11:20

I didn't expect to have so many replies, thank you so much! Sorry if I. Any reply to everyone's responses.

There has been no apology and dh has been stomping around and rolling his eyes at me whenever he thinks I'm not looking. He popped to his mums 2 hours ago. When I suggested he bring ds as she might like to see him he said there was no Point he wouldn't be staying. She only lives 10 minutes away. Think I am being punished for my awful behaviour!?
I really apprecIate the comments about ds and his sleep issues. I've been feeling so guilty about it and have tried all sorts to try and get him to sleep better so it's a real relief to hear it is not that unusual. Dh says its unnatural and I am letting ds down but I am trying. I feel it's unfair of him
When he refuses to help himself or offer suggestions. I have asked him to help but it's not his job it's mine apparently. I do think it causes a lot of issues for us that we hold different beliefs about our roles. Another example was when ds started nursery and was getting upset dh said it was my fault for not socialising him enough. When I said lots of children get upset that way he wouldnt have it. But instead of looking at things as a team he always has to find fault and the fault is always mine. No solutions or sympathy just blame. I want us to be a partnership.

There are lots of issues between us now and I feel like we have passed a point of no return when he acts that way and thinks its ok. I have been thinking about leaving for ages but don't just want to quit. We were going to go to. Ounselli g but I think maybe there is no point?

OP posts:
nutellaontoast · 22/04/2012 11:34

Awww Binxy, you sound lovely, what a shame.

Could you move in with your parents for a week or two?

Nancy66 · 22/04/2012 11:36

ok....so, now, I join forces in saying he's a twat.

skybluepearl · 22/04/2012 11:37

Is he some kind of 1950's dad? Do you have to bring him his slippers and a pipe when he gets back from home?

I'm in the same situation as you but my DH does the weekend wakes and during the week, I do the wakes. We both get one lie in each weekend. It seems fair that way. I'd get too exhausted with non stop childcare otherwise and would prbably start to get down.