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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not me being 'evil'?

95 replies

Binxy · 22/04/2012 06:10

So, my youngest ds is a bad sleeper. He is 2 and going through a particularly bad phase at the moment and wakes up all the time. As I am currently a sahm my dh believes it is my job to get uP with him if he does wake in the night. Which I think is fine since he works but onthe weekend the same rules apply. We have one lie in each at the weekend but I have to get up in the night both nights and if ds wakes up on dh's turn I have to sooth him/get him back to sleep if he wakes up 'too early' for dh to have to do it.

This mornIng I think ds had some sort of nightmare so i brought him in bed with us and then he woke again he was flailing around and crying out (but in his sleep.) I tried to calm him but don't think he could hear me, so I patted him and eventually he woke up properly and then wanted to play. (5.40am)

Dh was Absolutely furious that on my lie in I didn't make ds stay in bed longer. Apparently I am an evil fucking bitch.

Am I? I mean I kind of think if it is the weekend and it is my lie in maybe I should be lying in and he should be soothing ds bAck to sleep not getting angry with me for waking him to early.
AIBU?

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 22/04/2012 11:41

He seems to be greatly lacking in empathy. Sounds like he struggles to see things from others point of view - toddler starting nursery or you being sleep deprived and needing a full night.

I think you need to have a long calm discussion about things. You need to feel supported and cared for too - you seem to be bottom of the pile at the moment.

Original poster
Binxy · 22/04/2012 12:40

Thanks sky blue for replying! I think your way of doing things makes a lot of sense. My dh won't compromise on if though and I really resent not getting just one lie in. I love ds but feel like i get no break from him at all. At night im so tited i have to o to bed really early while dh stay up til half one because he need to unwind. Id live to stay up but ant because ill be good for nothing. I resent that too i suppose...that hes tited because hes been up late seeing friends or watching tv or whatever. It helps To realise that I am not being completely unreasonable and that there are other ways to do things. He thinks it's just me being lazy. Twonk!

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 22/04/2012 13:08

He sounds really horrible.

You are under no obligation to stay with a horrible man who treats you badly just because you are married or have a child.

Fighting to keep a failing marriage together is something that requires the input of both parties.

It's a waste of time with someone who thinks he gets to verbally abuse and punish you because your toddler has a nightmare.

dreamingbohemian · 22/04/2012 13:27

Please be reassured that everything you are dealing with is normal and not because you have done something wrong or whatever BS your DH is telling you.

My DS is also 2 and has always been a bad sleeper, we get brief spells of good sleep and then it's always something else, teething or nightmares or six months of colds when he started nursery.

DH has actually done most of the night wakings, even when he was working (at the moment he's the SAHP). He is 8 years younger than me and stronger and healthier, so can cope with sleep loss a bit better. But also, he has a lot of respect for the SAHP role (even before he did it himself) -- he thinks it's more important that the person taking care of our son is in good form.

I'm not surprised you are thinking of leaving. It's not giving up -- it's doing what's best for both you and your child. I would not want my DS growing up in a family where I was devalued and sworn at. And how will your DH be treating him as he gets older? I would be very worried about this.

If you are still not sure, perhaps you could get some counseling just for yourself, to help you move forward with this.

thatisall · 22/04/2012 13:37

Did he actually say that??? Evil Fucking Bitch??? What a dick. Put your foot down op

AThingInYourLife · 22/04/2012 13:38

"he thinks it's more important that the person taking care of our son is in good form."

Wow, I was starting to think I was the only person on the planet who thought it mattered that the person looking after small children all day not be sleep deprived.

Good to know I am not alone. :)

dreamingbohemian · 22/04/2012 13:43

AThing -- I feel like that too sometimes! Why is it so ingrained that the working parent should obviously be the one to get all the sleep?

Fair enough if you're a brain surgeon or airline pilot but most people aren't.

People say, oh but if he doesn't sleep, his work will suffer. As if millions of women don't have to deal with this all the time!

OP -- you are taking care of a child, you need your rest too. Don't let him make you feel like you don't deserve it.

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2012 13:46

He sounds vile. What a disgusting way to speak to you.

And NOBODY needs to stay up until 1am to unwind ffs. If he got to bed earlier he might find he was in a better mood.

CremeEggThief · 22/04/2012 13:52

Honey (I know it's not very Mumsnet like), YANBU at all.

Your DH needs to treat you with the respect you deserve and stop insulting you and blaming you for everything. Who on earth does he think he is?

It doesn't sound as if he wants to compromise or support you, tbh.

Have you got anyone or anywhere you can go and have some space to think about what you want?

titfortat · 22/04/2012 14:03

You are NOT evil. He is. Along with being a vile, self indulgent, nasty, controlling, lazy barsteward.

How long has he been treating you like this for?

Personally, I wouldn't be hanging around any longer for him to be able to treat me with such disrespect. You deserve far better than that.

I don't know how you have coped in that situation to be honest. At least you will be able to hold your head high, and don't let him convince you otherwise.

SardineQueen · 22/04/2012 14:12

If you've been thinking of leaving for ages then maybe this is the final nail in the coffin.

He sounds horrible.

Original poster
Binxy · 22/04/2012 14:39

Argh! He IS horrible. I've just tried to talk to him now he seems to be a bit more chilled and he has told me that MY behaviour this morning was disgusting!!!!! And...I need to apologise!

OP posts:
Original poster
Binxy · 22/04/2012 14:40

I could go and stay with my mum buy its half an hour away and ds(eldest) has school

OP posts:
Nyac · 22/04/2012 14:46

Did he really call you an evil fucking bitch?

That's appalling.

From the other things you've said, it sounds like he thinks he's the boss of the house too. You should put him right on that one. I feel furious on your behalf reading this Binxy.

PurplePidjin · 22/04/2012 14:49

No, you go to your mum's on your own for acouple of hours, just like dh did.

Original poster
Binxy · 22/04/2012 14:51

Things have been bad since ds was born and really bad sInce December. Sometimes he is absolutely lovely: nice and funny. But he has another side where he will throw things, yell nasty things and do anything he can to wind me up.

I just can't seem to bring myself to actually leave because I so want it to work but he won't cOmpromise on anything. I don't want this though and retreading what I've written I think it just sounds a bit pathetic!? My mum thinks he might have some personality disorder but maybe it doesn't matter WHY he is that way just that he IS that way?

OP posts:
Nyac · 22/04/2012 14:52

Has he forgotten that even though you're mummy, he's also daddy and also shares half the responsibility for your dcs.

His attitude is what is disgusting.

Nyac · 22/04/2012 14:53

You can't make it work with a wanker. Sad but true. You can only sacrifice yourself pointlessly and make no one happy.

dreamingbohemian · 22/04/2012 14:55

Your mum is right: it doesn't matter why he's doing this.

If he yells and throws things then it must be a pretty horrible homelife not just for you but for your DC. Honestly, do you want them thinking this is acceptable?

It sounds like your mum is not too keen on him. I think you should go stay with her for a while, I'm sure you can work out a way to get your DS to school temporarily.

Can you think about WHY you want it to work?

Because usually we want good things to continue, not bad things.

Why are you holding onto something so bad, so tightly?

PuffPants · 22/04/2012 14:55

Sad feel very sad for you

AbigailAdams · 22/04/2012 14:55

Binxy reread what you wrote. Wtf did you do wrong? What part of your behaviour was wrong? I can't quite believe he had the audacity to try and blame you.

I think your perceptions have been skewed by this man. Reality check: You did nothing wrong!

SardineQueen · 22/04/2012 14:56

His "other side" is horrendous. I think you should take steps to follow through with your idea of splitting up.

PurpleRomanesco · 22/04/2012 14:58

Imagine life without worrying about what mood he will wake up in or waiting for him to blow up and start throwing things?

Go to your mums and stay there. He wont compromise because he thinks you'll never leave him.

Ephiny · 22/04/2012 15:00

He called you a 'fucking bitch' (for comforting your little boy after a nightmare) and he thinks you need to apologise? Is he serious? Shock

I'm not going to say you should leave him, but if your marriage is going to survive long-term I think you need to absolutely insist on some changes, starting with him speaking to you with basic respect and politeness.

Does he speak to you like that in front of your DS? Even if he doesn't, children do pick up on this kind of thing, especially as they get older. You don't want him growing up thinking this is a normal way for a man to treat his partner.

ewaczarlie · 22/04/2012 15:05

At least you get a lie in! ,y DS is almost 3 and I have never had a lie in (not even on mothers day) and until recently I worked full time and longer than dh. He gets to sleep in till midday on weekends and if I dare wake him I get yelled at. Now that must make your sht sound so much better hey! But he is bang out of order and you are to evil or a bitch.
While we all don't have perfect partners I'm sure they have some plus ponts otherwise why are we with them?
As for your situation, deal with one toddler at a time. No point getti not arguments that early in morning especially when you're worried about dc. Revenge is also a dish best served cold ;)

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