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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mildly annoyed that my friend feels sad I can't go to her wedding?

92 replies

stella1w · 21/04/2012 00:34

It's in the suburb of a major US city, half an hour drive from the nearest hotel and no public transport. I booked flights to the States in the hopes I could go, but decided that I was not comfortable hiring a car having not driven for eight year and never with children in the car, late at night somewhere I don't know on the opposite side of the road. I thought taxis would be too expensive and don't know anyone going, let alone anyone who could take me and two kids in car seats and not drink. The wedding STARTS at 5pm, and the gathering the day before starts at 4pm and is again 30 min drive from hotel. I would be there on my own with a four year old and 10 month old.
I travel A LOT with the kids, and flew to the States alone when the baby was three months. But I am only confident where I can use public transport.
The wedding is six weeks away and having got the info from my friend I politely declined and after a few days got a reply saying, I don't know what to say, I feel sad for you but it's good you know your limits.
I feel rather patronised.

OP posts:
curiositykitten · 21/04/2012 00:35

Why can't she be sad that you won't be there?

And unless you can get a full refund on the flight costs, you're fucking mental.

AgentZigzag · 21/04/2012 00:40

'I don't know what to say, I feel sad for you but it's good you know your limits.'

Just on those words alone, YABU, they sound neutral and friendly.

If you were taking them to be patronising, it must be something in your history with her that's making you feel like that.

It's nice she's sad you won't be there, (not nice that you've made her sad in that way) but that she values you as a friend enough to miss you, but wouldn't want you to have to drive and things leaving you uncomfortable and stressed.

saladsandwich · 21/04/2012 00:42

if you'd booked flights id still go to the us could another wedding guest help you? surely others are travelling there x

MardyBra · 21/04/2012 00:43

I think it is a bit patronising tbh.

saladsandwich · 21/04/2012 00:44

by help i mean with travel x

Original poster
stella1w · 21/04/2012 00:49

I am still going to the states - most of my hols based in another city 500 miles away.
She is stressed out with people not replying to the wedding etc so I don't want her to try to get me a lift with someone who can fit me and two car seats in the car and who is prepared not to drink. Plus if the kids started getting overtired, I would be stranded there. I would feel like a burden to the car driver as well.
I am annoyed that she said she was sad FOR ME. And that she signed off saying, Know that I will still be your friend

OP posts:
Angelico · 21/04/2012 00:58

They are the kind of words you can read both ways - it is a slightly odd way of putting it. Could be innocent or could be making a point - as others have said only you know history with her. The 'good you know your limits' thing would make me a bit Hmm.

bellabelly · 21/04/2012 01:00

What did you want her to say? "I couldn't cae less whether you're coming or not"??? Confused

iloveACK · 21/04/2012 01:02

You're being far too sensitive Grin

AgentZigzag · 21/04/2012 01:02

'she said she was sad FOR ME'

That's the second post I've misread tonight, I really should wait for my eyes to start working again before posting Grin

It's still not that bad though, I suppose she's could just be thinking of the fantastic knees up she's imagining it'll be and doesn't want you to feel left out?

Original poster
stella1w · 21/04/2012 01:09

She could have said, I'm sorry you can't be there, but I can see it's tricky with two young kids and no transport.

OP posts:
ninah · 21/04/2012 01:11

mildly annoyed is fine it's a mild problem, yanbu

ComposHat · 21/04/2012 01:12

Of course you are under no obligation to attend her wedding and you are within your rights to refuse, but to have accepted, bought the flights, then to cite a half hour taxi journey as the reason not to attend would stick in my throat a bit. Under the circumstances the bride was pretty restrained.

HolyLentenPromiseBatman · 21/04/2012 01:14

YANBU at all, I suppose the tone could have been lost in the email, but I'd read it as really patronising as well. I think you're being very reasonable to keep it at 'mildly annoyed' tbh.

Out of interest, does she have kids?

swallowedAfly · 21/04/2012 01:16

she feels sad for you does read like a bit of a back hander. sad that you are somehow inadequate in her eyes for not being able to handle two kids and driving and a whole load of logistics to go to her wedding? i am guessing she doesn't have children?

i don't know. i would have thought the response would be, hold fire and i'll ask around family and friends to see if there's any way round it.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 21/04/2012 01:22

Taxis are almost certainly going to be cheaper than hiring a car though. Have you looked into that option?

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 21/04/2012 01:24

Btw- yes, the undertone of her message is

"I feel sad that you can't come due to self-imposed limitations, and I'm pissed that you're not making the effort"

(I speak fluent "pissed" American) Grin......and I'm also guessing she doesnt have children.

joanofarchitrave · 21/04/2012 01:30

I think you're in the wrong and I don't think her reply is bad. If she's really a good enough friend to book the flights for, she's good enough to take a taxi for.

ninah · 21/04/2012 01:36

or yabu it's so mild I can't decide
joan I lurve your name

ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor · 21/04/2012 01:39

Yanbu, I'd be annoyed. Her reply was extremely patronising. Like RichManPoorMan I speak pissed, passive-aggressive American and that's a prime example.

Starwisher · 21/04/2012 01:40

I agree with richman

theverysuccessfulone · 21/04/2012 01:52

Well, either your friend is an idiot (and in this case Richman translation clarifies everything) or she was trying to be nice and doesn't seem very good with words (seems very bad to say the least).

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and wait for her to make the next move. If she still behaves in a passive-aggressive patronising way I'd just forget about her. Life is too short to worry about certain "friends."

landphil · 21/04/2012 02:05

could you leave your kids behind and go alone?
i think you are a bit unreasonable

empirestateofmind · 21/04/2012 02:17

YANBU I'd be pretty annoyed at that reply too. She obviously expects you to hire a car and is pissed off you're not. I also guess she has no children.

angeltulips · 21/04/2012 02:20

Um, if the wedding is 30mins drive from the nearest hotel, won't all/some of the other guests have the same problem?

I agree that her response is a bit passive-aggressive, but I can understand why she's hacked off. I would be too.