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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mildly annoyed that my friend feels sad I can't go to her wedding?

92 replies

stella1w · 21/04/2012 00:34

It's in the suburb of a major US city, half an hour drive from the nearest hotel and no public transport. I booked flights to the States in the hopes I could go, but decided that I was not comfortable hiring a car having not driven for eight year and never with children in the car, late at night somewhere I don't know on the opposite side of the road. I thought taxis would be too expensive and don't know anyone going, let alone anyone who could take me and two kids in car seats and not drink. The wedding STARTS at 5pm, and the gathering the day before starts at 4pm and is again 30 min drive from hotel. I would be there on my own with a four year old and 10 month old.
I travel A LOT with the kids, and flew to the States alone when the baby was three months. But I am only confident where I can use public transport.
The wedding is six weeks away and having got the info from my friend I politely declined and after a few days got a reply saying, I don't know what to say, I feel sad for you but it's good you know your limits.
I feel rather patronised.

OP posts:
shoofly · 21/04/2012 09:30

I think that even if you leave aside the logistics of getting two small children back and forth to the venue, the problem is the time! Who on earth would want to take them to an evening reception? And yes she sounds like a passive aggressive patronising "friend"

claudedebussy · 21/04/2012 09:32

yanbu

and she is being very patronising. can't believe she actually expected you to go!

FayeGovan · 21/04/2012 09:35

agree your friend is being very patronising

doesn't she have a clue how hard it would be for you doing it all on your own? I know you met as single mums, but was she a single mum with loads of family support and hasnt a clue how hard it would be to do all this on your own?

I wouldnt go and let contact wither away

FayeGovan · 21/04/2012 09:36

or did she think seeing as you are going to the US you could pop over 500 miles for her wedding??

she sounds a loon

FayeGovan · 21/04/2012 09:38

also just wait until she wants to rant at you about something, then deliver her phrase "I'm glad you know your limits"

Grin
TunipTheVegemal · 21/04/2012 09:41

I think the 'Know that I will still be your friend' sign-off is so awful it's hilarious. It means 'you are not worthy of my friendship but I will deign to give it to you because I am a superior being.'
She is totally up her own arse.

Sparkletastic · 21/04/2012 09:41

Yanbu - she's in PA bridezilla mode. I like the hope the day is as lovely as you are and you get all the happiness you deserve suggested response!

claudedebussy · 21/04/2012 09:48

'you know your limits'

how rude.

CrumpettyTree · 21/04/2012 09:50

I agree she is being patronising about you not being able to get there and that " I'm sorry you can't be there, but I can see it's tricky with two young kids and no transport." would have been better. Did you find out how much a taxi would cost? It may be less than you think.

tb · 21/04/2012 10:16

If she was being really kind and thoughtful, she would arrange for several minibuses to do a circuit from the reception to the nearest hotels where guests were staying so as not to cause problems.

LetsKateWin · 21/04/2012 10:19

I think the reply sounded incredibly patronising.

I know that when I'm arranging parties the stress turns me in to a monster so try not to take it to heart.

LeeCoakley · 21/04/2012 10:25

You politely declined? She may have taken it another way.
She was being patronising? She may have taken it another way.

Texting and trying to infer meaning is a no win situation. You don't even know it was her who actually texted the message. Let it go.

DonInKillerHeels · 21/04/2012 10:40

"DonIn - you don't see how 2 children might be different logistics to one?"

I raise you my sister who flies single-handedly with three boys, aged 6, 3 and 3 months. Between Australia and a third-world country. And I swear to god they are the world's most rumbunctious boys (baby, so far, thank god, not included).

Of course it's different logistics. But the answer is still the same. She's being silly.

Thumbwitch · 21/04/2012 10:59

Charming.

swallowedAfly · 21/04/2012 11:02

really donin? so which sleeping child would you leave on the curb whilst you carried the other one into the hotel room? the 4yo or the 10mo?

swallowedAfly · 21/04/2012 11:03

and yes i've travelled to a less developed country with my son - long haul flight, trains, taxis, buses etc with 40kg of luggage when he was a toddler. i still wouldn't fancy doing what the OP is expected to for this wedding.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 21/04/2012 12:39

don to be fair, I agree that she can wake the 4 year old up and make them walk into the hotel from the car, and she doesn't need car seats in a taxi as a one off (although don't want to turn this into a seatbelt thread) BUT, adding the whole lot up, it doesn't make for a fun experience for the OP, and that's the crux- weddings are supposed to be fun for the guests, not an ordeal, and looking after 2 small children at an evening reception where they wont know anyone will, as our American friends say "like, totally suck" Grin

I fly long haul with mine no probs, but that's totally different. Flights are flights. Sometimes they're okay, sometimes they're a bit of a nightmare, but you expect them to be. Weddings are supposed to be fun.

KatieMiddleton · 21/04/2012 12:54

Yeah some people are martyrs but doesn't mean the OP has to be.

swallowedAfly · 21/04/2012 12:56

depends on the child - not a chance my son or my nephew could've have been woken and walked at 4 in those circumstances. both were the kind of deadweight, gone, not a hope in hell of waking them beyond half asleep wailing after a long day and dark car journey.

on the other hand i've remembered the joy of buggies (long time ago for me as ds is 5) so that would make things easier than i've been imagining. still a nightmare though in order to attend an event at great expense that in all likelihood will be exhausting, stressful and crazymaking. some things are crazymaking as a single parent - sitting at a wedding on your own not knowing anyone desperately trying to look after a tired baby whilst keeping an eye on a tired but busy 4yo whilst everyone else is sat in couples/extended families appearing to have an easier life would qualify as crazymaking imo. especially factoring in being knackered from travelling and trying to manage in a hotel room with 2 kids.

swallowedAfly · 21/04/2012 12:57

actually the above might leave me suicidal frankly!

thatisall · 21/04/2012 12:58

can I ask how much was the flight?

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 21/04/2012 13:00

Ah, ok. Admittedly mine not 4 yet, and I'm figuring if they were only asleep for 30 minutes they wouldn't be really really asleep. Maybe not the case.

However, the rest of your scenario is kind of what I was imagining.

Floggingmolly · 21/04/2012 13:08

The friend said "I'm sad for you ", not "I'm sad you won't be at my wedding". It does sound like she's commiserating with the op on her general ineptness, not the specific wedding thing. Coupled with "at least you know your limits", it's as patronising as hell Hmm

JugsMcGee · 21/04/2012 13:08

I'm not sure I'd take my 14mo to a wedding that started at 5pm, even if it was in the UK. He's not one to be kept up, unless you want a screaming toddler on your hands. I'd take a taxi no problem, it's the time that would be a problem for me.

I can read her reply both ways tbh.

BlueFergie · 21/04/2012 15:27

I think your friend is being PA and patronising in her comments. However I think you are being a little disingenuous with your reasons.
Presumably when you booked your flights you knew you would have the two kids with you by yourself and this did not put you off. Also you assumed you could get public transport and were prepared to do that. However it turns out you can only get taxis. If you are not fazed by transporting two kids on a bus or train I fail to see how a taxi can be more inconvenient. If anything it is easier. So it boils down to cost. If you are to be believed the only reason is the cost of two half hour taxi rides?
Because nothing else has changed since you booked the flights. Basically you've changed your mind and nt be arsed with it. Fair enough I'd be the same but you probably should have known it from the outset tbh.