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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be mildly annoyed that my friend feels sad I can't go to her wedding?

92 replies

stella1w · 21/04/2012 00:34

It's in the suburb of a major US city, half an hour drive from the nearest hotel and no public transport. I booked flights to the States in the hopes I could go, but decided that I was not comfortable hiring a car having not driven for eight year and never with children in the car, late at night somewhere I don't know on the opposite side of the road. I thought taxis would be too expensive and don't know anyone going, let alone anyone who could take me and two kids in car seats and not drink. The wedding STARTS at 5pm, and the gathering the day before starts at 4pm and is again 30 min drive from hotel. I would be there on my own with a four year old and 10 month old.
I travel A LOT with the kids, and flew to the States alone when the baby was three months. But I am only confident where I can use public transport.
The wedding is six weeks away and having got the info from my friend I politely declined and after a few days got a reply saying, I don't know what to say, I feel sad for you but it's good you know your limits.
I feel rather patronised.

OP posts:
PinkFondantFancy · 21/04/2012 02:29

YANBU I'd be really irritated. I'm sad for you, it's good you know your limits????? It's incredibly patronising, whether meant that way or not. She need to get over herself - it doesn't matter what your reason for not coming is, I feel annoyed on your behalf that she's passing judgement.

Original poster
stella1w · 21/04/2012 02:36

She has one child.. we met via a single mothers group.
I did not accept the invitation - she deliberately was not sending them out until six weeks before the wedding - she wanted to make it four weeks for etiquette reasons. I was gently pushing for logistics info, like hotel/wedding location. About a week after the invite, that arrived by email. I thought about it for a day and then declined the invite saying I was sorry I couldn't be there on her big day, but logistically it would be too difficult.

OP posts:
kickassangel · 21/04/2012 02:38

sad for you in US = I pity your sorry pathetic ass.
it's good you know your limits = you're a pathetic ass.

Sorry op, I know I've put it crassly, but she is being very patronising. 6 weeks before the wedding isn't a last minute time to pull out, and if she really wanted you to be there, she'd have let you know details sooner, or chosen a more accessible venue.

Original poster
stella1w · 21/04/2012 02:41

Angeltulips - I would probably be the only guest there on their own with very young children. Others will either live in the area and have their own car, or be going with someone and can be the designated driver or not. Apart from the expense of taxis, hauling two sleeping children and their car seats out the other end late at night and trying to get them into a hotel room etc is an issue.

OP posts:
KatieMiddleton · 21/04/2012 02:53

yanbu to be mildly annoyed. I had a friend who threatened to uninvite me from her precious wedding because of some perceived slight (the slight being I couldn't take 4 days off work at peak time to spend an obscene amount of money traipsing around Barcelona with a load of women I didn't know for her hen do). I think she genuinely thought her wedding was as important to me as it was to her. I was thankful I didn't have to go, be spoken to like a piece of crap (par for the course with said "friend"), and then spend a fortune on dress and present because she uninvited me.

I wonder if this bride also has lost a bit of perspective and thinks you will be devastated to miss her wedding as opposed to mildly saddened with no lasting ill effects?

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 21/04/2012 05:17

tbh, this was never really going to work, even if there was public transport to the venue- an evening reception where you will have to solely supervise a (presumably somewhat mobile) 10 mo old, and possibly a 4 yr old if she doesn't throw herself into the social melee (hard to predict in advance), is going to score a zero in the fun stakes. Unless I knew a lot of people at the wedding (i.e. rare opportunity to catch up with people) I would have canned it just on that basis. Weddings where you know very few people can be fun, but only if you can fly solo.

Thumbwitch · 21/04/2012 05:26

YANBU and I did quite a lot at Kickassangel's translation.
Passive aggression is a real art form, isn't it?!

BTW, you're not a sorry pathetic ass - you're being very sane about it if you ask me.

swallowedAfly · 21/04/2012 07:25

yeah, kickass said in plain terms what i tried to say in a slightly more on the fence way but read it exactly the same as me - i pity your sorry arse is what i read too Grin

as a single mum you'd think she'd know better - because we're well aware generally aren't we how nightmarish certain things can be on your own with kids - for those who think this would be easy and the OP should do it i think you need to think over the logistics again and imagine doing them with 2 young kids solo. even physically being able to get two sleeping children in car seats from taxi to hotel room at the end of the night without leaving at least one of them on the side of the road is impossible.

JustHecate · 21/04/2012 07:36

She did a good job. She said something really rude in such a lovely and 'supportive' way that if you say anything about it, you look over-sensitive!

Bravo to her. Very well done.

Yes. It was not nice. She was being a bitch.

Very cleverly.

mercibucket · 21/04/2012 07:44

Oh I don't know, surely there's still room there for a come-back
Come on mumsnetters - we need irony and sarcasm to counter this american passive-aggressiveness

DPrince · 21/04/2012 07:53

It is passive aggressive, but maybe she can't get her head around the fact you will fly to the states on your own with the kids, but not get a taxi with them. Maybe she thinks you just don't want to go and you are making excuses.

Chooster · 21/04/2012 08:49

Ynbu at all.... am surprised some people read this in a nice way. It wasn't nice in any way! Surely its the time of the wedding rather than the transport hassle. If its at 5pm then you'll def have 2 sleeping children on your own... and whether taxi or hire car this is a massive pain in the arse dealing with car seats etc.... are you supposed to leave one child while you carry the other up to your room? You could be gone 10mins or so. I've done lots if things on my own with my kids but some things are just not worth the headache

iscream · 21/04/2012 08:51

Did you ask your friend about B&B's in the area in the wedding? Chartered buses from hotels? All that stuff? I'd take a cab under these conditions. Or a limo. Ask for a flat rate, and book it to come and to pick you up, ask if they have car seats, so you can leave yours in the hotel.

Anyways, sounds like you are not going to have a change of mind/plan, and you would like a PA reply?
Just reply you are glad she understands, and hope her day is as lovely as she is, and she gets all of the happiness she deserves.

DonInKillerHeels · 21/04/2012 08:54

Actually, I think you're the one being a bit silly. I don't drive. I travel in the states all the time and have done so with my DS. YOU GET TAXIS. Bring your carseats if you feel you must, but they're not actually needed. And you'll probably save a bucket on hirecar costs.

iscream · 21/04/2012 08:54

Although I would personally just leave it at glad she understands, best wishes.
People who book weddings in remote places have to expect some declines.

lifesrichpageant · 21/04/2012 08:59

Yanbu. I'm still in shock that you'd even consider going. Long haul with a 4 year old and 10 month old & then a wedding that starts late....your friend should feel flattered that you even considered it! I hope she remembers this when she has her own children....(assuming she doesn't have any?)

EssentialFattyAcid · 21/04/2012 09:01

I think its a bit odd not to just get a taxi or see if your friend can arrange a lift if this is all that is really stopping you.

However the whole idea of travelling on your own with a 4 year old and 10 month old for a wedding that starts at 5pm sounds too awkward to me unless you have childcare arranged or can go without the kids.

If you like this person enough to consider going to their wedding then don't go dwelling on this email or fall out over it - you made your decision, she accepted it, you are still friends, move on.

RosieBooBoo · 21/04/2012 09:06

I can understand why she would be a bit Hmm that you would fly to the states with your 2 DC but not get 2 taxis with them..
Also quite amused that people saying it would be a nightmare with 2 kids at the wedding considering the amount of posts on MN being shocked and disgusted at kids not being invited!

swallowedAfly · 21/04/2012 09:06

DonIn - you don't see how 2 children might be different logistics to one? how do you get unconscious 4yo and 10mo out of a taxi and into a hotel room single handed? along with nappy bag, feeding stuff, toys etc that will be necessary?

sevenbubbles · 21/04/2012 09:06

30 min is not far in US in my experience. Or the uk for that matter. Uabu.

swallowedAfly · 21/04/2012 09:09

having to try and manage one child single handed at a wedding reception full of people you don't know would be embarrassing challenge enough - 2 would be an exhausting, stressful nightmare. different if it is a family wedding with lots of happy to help out aunts and uncles and cousins around. also different if you can stay at the venue potentially. but to be stranded on your own with them would be really hard - and to go through all of this exhaustion, stress, expense etc just to see your friend's wedding....

could you maybe go to the ceremony but skip the reception OP?

ImperialBlether · 21/04/2012 09:11

I think if you're not going to drive, then carrying car seats around would be a pain in the neck.

I do think you'd be mad to go with the children. Could they stay with grandparents for a long weekend whilst you go?

She was being patronising - I wouldn't like her tone either.

redstormrising · 21/04/2012 09:12

Based on the logistics you have described I also would not go. I also travel alot long haul with young ones (although have sworn to never do so again until my youngest is old enough to do the Times Crossword) and I would not do it.

Based on her passive aggressive response I would not go either. It is patronising, and insulting. She is being a bit of a bitch.

MULLYPEEP · 21/04/2012 09:20

Weddings make people crazy. She was being a bitch. You could reply, "I'm glad you are such a good friend i knew you would understand my reasons". It'll blow over because she's bound to piss others off more than you and will want to talk to you about it.

Proudnscary · 21/04/2012 09:27

I'd be grrrrr at that reply too - it's v patronising and passive aggressive!

However please for the love of God, let it go, and don't resond.

Weddings turn sane people into loons - and to to give her benefit of the doubt maybe she really didn't intend it to sound that way.

Don't reply to this but send her a lovely email just before wedding saying you hope she'll have a wonderful time ie be the bigger person.

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