to be mildly annoyed that my friend feels sad I can't go to her wedding?

[stella1w]

It's in the suburb of a major US city, half an hour drive from the nearest hotel and no public transport. I booked flights to the States in the hopes I could go, but decided that I was not comfortable hiring a car having not driven for eight year and never with children in the car, late at night somewhere I don't know on the opposite side of the road. I thought taxis would be too expensive and don't know anyone going, let alone anyone who could take me and two kids in car seats and not drink. The wedding STARTS at 5pm, and the gathering the day before starts at 4pm and is again 30 min drive from hotel. I would be there on my own with a four year old and 10 month old.
I travel A LOT with the kids, and flew to the States alone when the baby was three months. But I am only confident where I can use public transport.
The wedding is six weeks away and having got the info from my friend I politely declined and after a few days got a reply saying, I don't know what to say, I feel sad for you but it's good you know your limits.
I feel rather patronised.

to pick up on a few points...
I would never put my kids in a car without a carseat.
The ceremony is at 5pm followed by the reception. The pre-wedding rehearsal gathering is a picnic thats starts at 4pm. Both in remote areas. So that would be four taxi rides of at least half hour durations - I'd guess total 200 dlrs.
Without trying to nag, I did ask her if she had considered some kind of shuttle bus but she said she couldn't think about things like that.
If there had been public transport, I could at least have gone one way, or maybe even both, by putting dc1 in the buggy and baby in a sling. btw, I attended a wedding when the baby was 3 weeks old, crossed London by tube and replacement bus, three hours boths ways..(afternoon do, though).
I had thought if push came to shove, I would get a hire car, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that driving for the first time in 8 years, in a foreign country, late at night, in an unknown area, with the children in the car (for obviously the first time) was just dangerous.
She sent out the wedding info six week before the wedding - I also hoped it might contain some useful directions etc, but just said we encourage people to carpool and several taxi companies serve the area.
The flight is on airmiles.
I don't think I am BU to decide not to go, I am just surprised at her response.

That does seem like a patronising reply but the only way to deal with stuff like that is to respond to it totally at face value. So just reply (if you need to at all) with, 'Yes, it's a shame but I hope you have a lovely day'. there is probably part of her that wants you to get riled about this, so resist that temptation (at least to her).

TBH I think you are reading too much into it.

You have said that despite saying you would come to the wedding and in fact arranging to fly to the same country it will be in you are now not going to attend.

It seems a bit odd to me, but yes I can see that doing the journey you describe is a bit of a logistical nightmare with two young children.

She has then responded with an acknowledgement and basically said that's fine.

Ok her wording isn't great but what else is she supposed to say? I must admit if I was the bride to be I'd be a bit bemused as well and my email would probably reflect that.

She's still arranging last minute things for her wedding, forgive her the reply and wish her well, she's probably just majorly stressed at the moment and looking forward to seeing you.

What is it about weddings that seem to bring out the worst in some? All the weddings I've been to have been lovely. No bridezillas or mad MILs or pervy uncles (although the groom at one wedding was a bit of a tool to his new wife ). It is such a shame as they are (usually) meant to be about celebrating love.

FWIW I don't think OP is being unreasonable for not going to the wedding. I can't see why people think she is being U for not going. When you invite guests to your wedding surely you don't expect guests to come. You hope people come. You hope your guests have the common decency to reply in good time (it helps if you send relevant info out early enough - especially for international guests).

If you really want your guests to come and they cannot come (and let's face it, those logistics are quite challenging), despite them wanting to, then you as a friend would be sad. It may have been a badly worded expression of regret on the bride's part but it sounded to me to be a bit snotty really. There many reasons people cannot come to a wedding and an invitation to attend is just that, an invitation. It is not an edict.

I also don't think OP is being U for feeling mildly annoyed that the bride's tone was patronising, I would too. I suppose only she knows if it is worth putting down to pre-wedding stress, or if the 'friend' has history for this behaviour. If the friendship is worth it then its probably something that will blow over.

actually i think she's hurt you're not going and is just lashing out.

YANBU to be annoyed, it does sound like she narked but then if you already agreed and you aren't the only one pulling out, she's probably feeling a bit stressed and rejected.

Did you just get all the information first and decline based on that or did you accept the invitation first, in which case she's probably wondering why you didn't think this through before and screwing because with each person lost that £££ wasted. Especially if it's for a sit down meal, that can be between £50-150 a head, and since the wedding is close it's not surprising she's stressed and narky.

There's nothing you can do now anyway, you've declined, she's accepted and while you are both annoyed for different reasons it will probably blow over after the wedding.

yep, patronising, very patronising. yanbu.

I have only read page 1, you are not being unreasonable! You have young children and she is organised a Wedding in the back of beyond, she has offered no help with transport, not that it is her job to do so, the wedding is in a country the other side of the world to you. She was patronising in her response to you. I would think that she is stressed and angry that things are not going according to plan for her in general over the wedding and it is nothing personal, just where she is at the moment.

I did not accept the invitation first - I was waiting for the invitation because I needed the logistics info with it to make a decision. I asked her gently earlier for this info but she was too stressed to give it.. so I waited.. The invite came, the info came a week later and I declined the following day.

Just to update - I DID go to the wedding after all... and it was a disaster... I managed to get rides to and from the events so that was good, but the children were really really tired and in fact - though I didn't realise it at the time, coming down with stomach flu.. the ceremony was meant to start at 5pm but ended up starting at 6pm so the kids were even more overtired.. dc1 spent most of the night looking wan on an airbed in the babysitting area watching a dvd.. I went back and forth from the outside marquee to this area to check on her.. then at 9pm the heavens opened with torrential rain that flooded the area where I was seated including dc2's highchair, stroller and car seat.. I then went back and forth between the outside marquee and inside babysitting area to get kids, gear and rides etc together... it was a logistical nightmare and next time I will stick to my guns and say no!

What made you change your mind and go?

Frankly, I wouldn't have even considered it!!

Have a on me :) Well done for going, but I think you were nuts

Oh, dear! It does sounds the wedding was a bit of a disaster all around.

At least you tried.

Well, I thought I would try to be a "good friend" etc but really, it was terrible, terrible. And when I say the kids were overtired, I don't mean, wired and running around having a lot of fun, I mean sitting, looking pale and unhappy and not themselves at all. Plus it was a heat wave in the 30s.
It really taught me a lesson about how having kids changes your friendships.. there are just too many conflicting needs - not just her need to have her friends show up and my need to not spend money I don't have and get exhausted (which I would do pre-kids) but also the needs of my kids to get rest, food and have a mildly interesting time with each other and me.. never, ever again. I must practice the phrases - sorry not convenient, or doesn't work for us...
really, dc1 was stuck in a room watching a video while I was walking through torrential rain in a silk dress trying to work out how to get them both into a car without them getting soaked through.. flipping heck.

Just seen this thread. We got married in a remote area. We did everything we could to make it as easy for people to attend as possible, including organising mini buses, arranging accommodation etc. It seemed the right thing to do.

For what it's worth, I read your friends comments as patronising. I'm sorry the wedding didn't go well for you and hope your friend appreciated the effort you made to attend

OP I think it was brave of you to even consider doing all of that on your own with little ones.

In response to friendships changing when you have dcs - that gets better as they get older. I attended a good friend's wedding in a different country last summer on my own with my 3 dcs and it was quite hard work but ok, BUT my dcs were all between 5 and 10. I don't drive so I did a mixture of public transport and taxis and shamelessly asked people for lifts on the day.

Another difference was that my friend made huge efforts to be accommodating - arranging the wedding at a time I could travel to be with her and planning a whole weekend of celebrations which people with kids could dip in and out of. And I know if I had said we couldn't make it she would have understood.

Well done for gping, hope you are all fullyvrecovered. How are things with your friend?