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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think some parents are in denial

138 replies

stressedteacher · 18/04/2012 21:37

Not sure if I should post, I have name changed so nobody will know it is me (not that anyone here knows me personally anyway.)

I am a teacher, I teach Nursery / reception (Dcs age 3 to 5).
Yesterday afternoon, a boy who I shall call X was at the new TA's table. He got up and tried to run I said he musn't as we were doing work and so on.
I turned round and he did it againg the TA said that he had to sit down or he would be in the cool down corner. He said 'No way' and tried to run. TA took him to the corner and explained why he was there. TA then had to leave, so I got him from the corner, I explained why he was there he said sorry. However because he had been in the corner he has to move his picture into the 5 min board which shows he has 5 minute off his toy time on friday. He burst into tears at this.
It was the end of the day, the afterschool picked him up and he was still a little teary so I explained what had happened.

He was dropped off by his GP this morning who just nodded. X was fine he said sorry to the TA (of his own free will) and was his normal self for the rest of the day. At pick up his mum was the last to collect him. She stormed into the class and asked to have a word. She said I had over-reacted about her X's behaviour and I was picking on her Dc for no reason and so on. When she had collected her Dc yesterday the afterschool took her to one side and explained what happened. When she asked her Dc, he got all teary and said he wasn't doing anything and as she kept asking him he was saying I don't know.
So she was taking it up with me and I explained about 6 times what happened. Eventually she calmed down , she called X over and he said sheepishly that he did know what happened but he didn't want a telling off. His mum was all cuddly with him saying she would 'never tell him off'.
This all took about an hour.
I understand as parents we don't always want to think of our Dcs as having mis-behaved. But I don't need to have parents storming up to me because they think I am picking on darling little X or B or Y.
I have Dcs that I needed to pick up , so I was late for getting them which then throws the night time routine behind.

I except that I may be being unreasonable as I have had a bit of a stressful day anyway. But are do some people really not see that Dcs do understand things and they will try to get off without being yelled at by parents.
So aibu?

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 19/04/2012 09:57

My sister is a teacher, she always says "Give me a classroom full of kids anyday rather than parents evening"

PurpleRomanesco · 19/04/2012 10:03

I absolutely agree the mother in question was OTT, It's not something I would ever do (I'm to much of a wuss anyways) but I don't agree with the punishments here.

DSs nursery have a very low tolerance for nonsense, It's one of the reasons I chose it. There is no pandering, I can't stand that and have no problem with other people disciplining him. It makes my job easier at home! However I would have a problem with such counter productive punishments that would make no sense to this age group.

manicbmc · 19/04/2012 10:04

But it's a whole school policy, not the teacher's policy. If the parent doesn't like that then she needs to speak to the head.

Mrsjay · 19/04/2012 10:04

Lequeen an adult got their mum to go into work for them

saying that i had to stop my husband going into my DDs work to challenge them about not giving her holidays DD was freaking out in case he did ,

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleRomanesco · 19/04/2012 10:07

Well I have seen it said many times on MN that teacher prefer parents to speak to them before going straight to the head.

PurpleRomanesco · 19/04/2012 10:07

Teachers

DialMforMummy · 19/04/2012 10:07

YANBU. And no one will ever agree on what constitutes an effective punishment for a child. Better harsh punishment than no punishment IMO. Some people feel that their child will be traumatised if they are reprimanded in any way. I agree with Sunnydelight when she/he says I'm guessing they will probably be the ones complaining about a general lack of discipline in schools a few years down the line.

Mrsjay · 19/04/2012 10:08

was she wagging her finger and say HOW DARE YOU TREAT PRECIOUS LIKE THAT

oh dearie me that is funny did your husband manage to keep a straight face after his telling off ,

ButteryBiscuitBase · 19/04/2012 10:11

That just reminded me of my mum once giving my old landlord a right earful for nit giving me my full bond back! I got it in the end so maybe sometimes it pays off to hide behind mummy!

I think the problem is the school sounds to have a "one punishment fits all" policy and probably needs a separate early years one. I think I recall signing some kind of home/school agreement thing when dd started school, maybe its secretly a disclaimer so parents can't speak up about ott punishments!

manicbmc · 19/04/2012 10:11

True. But this parent hadn't bothered to make an appointment with the teacher to discuss her concerns. She just went bowling in, full of hell and indignation. And I can bet she wouldn't have done that with the head.

PurpleRomanesco · 19/04/2012 10:17

Oh she probably would have if the head had been there.

I'm not defending this lady. I would never kick up a fuss on the DSs word alone, He's 4 and loves to feel hard done by.

manicbmc · 19/04/2012 10:22

I agree that the discipline policy sounds a bit much for pre-schoolers, btw.

redrubyshoes · 19/04/2012 10:30

My mum was a tiger parent with my brother - he was never wrong and was 'exempt' (in her eyes) from all punishments from the school. I was in the year below my brother and witnessed many times the incidents for which he was punished and every time he went home crying/whinging to mum.

Each time she picked up the cudgels on his behalf and went wading in with the teachers demanding an apology/retraction of punishment etc etc etc.

She is still doing this and he is now 44 years old. Five years ago she was still complaining about "that horrible teacher who never liked him".

I looked at her and said "Mum, did it ever once cross your mind that DB was a throughly poisonous little brat who lied to you and actually deserved everything he got". I actually saw her face change and the scales fall from her eyes. She made a twat of herself at schools at least once a month for ten years.

My friend has been told by FIVE separate teachers that her 12 year old DD has a bad attitude and is rude and uncooperative in class. My friend's response? Try to remove her from all the said classes including maths. Her DD is not rude, uncooperative or sporting a bad attitude.............

SO OP YANBU.

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boringnickname · 19/04/2012 10:35

Blimey, if i picked up my DD from play school and found out that you had disciplined her in that way for not sitting down to do something, id have gone bloody ballistic. YOU totally over reacted, poor little mite Yes of course children need to be encouraged to sit down at specific times, but maybe the new TA wasn't engaging him enough in the activity so he wanted to do something else. Glad i didn't send my DD to your playgroup, thankfully my DDs nursery were lovely and gave the children CHOICES about what activities they wanted to do and helped them to engage with it.

PurpleRomanesco · 19/04/2012 10:39

Erugh cringe. Surely these people must see that they are leading their children (or adults ) into a life of harsh reality?

I would be dishing out swift kicks up the arse if any of my adult children were "up all night in tears" over a festival.

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleRomanesco · 19/04/2012 10:46

How did he respond?!

"Um.. I can't discuss this with you, Sorry. now piss off "

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicbmc · 19/04/2012 10:55

If you have a class of 30 or more little darlings it is not possible to always offer a choice. If they all decided they wanted to paint or play in the sand how would that work?

Most pre schools that I have seen offer a rota system so that all children get to take part in all activities at some point. Then they get a more rounded nursery experience.

And why go ballistic with a teacher who is doing her job when it is the head that usually sets discipline policy?

StarshitTerrorise · 19/04/2012 11:00

Nursery you say?

Blimey!

happybubblebrain · 19/04/2012 11:00

I blame the Daily Mail for the division between parents and teachers. And why everyone is getting so defensive. Too much is expected of teachers and too much is expected of kids. There is far too much pressure for everyone.

blubberyboo · 19/04/2012 11:09

so this is preparation for the real world?
where in adult life do we get our pictures displayed in public and branded as naughty for getting out of out our seats at an inappropriate time?

you might as well have put a "dunce"hat on him you have humiliated him so much..its no wonder he was still crying about that night.
a brief time out from the fun should have been sufficient at that age. Even having a star system for kids who manage to sit and listen to one activity each day would have been much better.
if my work had a policy that humiliated/degraded a member of staff or a client pupil or customer i would have raised it with management
you also should have dealt with the parents concerns much more quickly than in an hour by arranging an appt with the head within 5 mins of her arrival.
Often the first time a parent realises there is even a problem is when their child comes home upset - as i experienced when my child suddenly started getting sent to HT office. It transpired that he repeatedly was getting distracted when homeworks were being given out so he was frequently doing the wrong thing. Once I was informed there was a problem (in a 5 minute phone call) I was able to back the teachers up and eventually he felt able to say to his mates " I have to listen to this or I will get my homework wrong" I didn't go in guns blazing as I am one the parents who looks at their child and says" are you SURE you didn't do something to cause this? Is it possible that you have had some blame here?" so the parent probably could have approached you calmer but it does sound that you don't have much control if you have to use these techniques of humiliation to get the children to sit down and can't deal with the parent's concerns much more swiftly

blubberyboo · 19/04/2012 11:13

"by arranging an appt with the head within 5 mins of her arrival".

I mean arranging the appointment NOT actually conducting the appointment within 5 mins... before that is picked up on

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