to feel uncomfortable about my sister drinking whilst pregnant?

[thatisall]

Actually uncomfortable is an understatement, it really upsets me.
My sister is pregnant with her 3rd child and has smoked and consumed alcohol throughout her previous two pregnancies.

I have never smoked and although I know its terrible for unborn babies, I don't feel I can pass comment on it, as I have never experienced a smoking addiction. The alcohol however is a different matter.

I know some people have the odd drink during pregnancy, but I didn't drink at all: can't she at least keep try??
I probably sound high and mighty saying that, but my sister isn't having the odd glass, she is getting 'fall over' drunk!!
She has been told that her baby is dangerously small and the local ante-natal unit have taken measures to help the pregnancy continue and yet she drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney.
The baby was planned, so it isn't a case of her not wanting him/her.
In my opinion her two dd's do show some of the symptoms of foetal alcohol syndrome and I am so worried about this.
Our mother is flaky to say the least and would never say anything for fear of rocking the boat.
Is it my place to say something?
I feel like someone needs to protect this baby?

"What I am saying is that sometimes the risks aren't as high as they make them out to be." the problem stranded, is that FAS/FAE does exist at various levels of severity and can be devastating in its effects.

No-one knows why some foetuses seem to be more susceptible to alcohol than others and when you drink will usually determine whether the child shows classic FAS facial features. But because no-one knows why some child suffer and others don't doesn't mean it isn't a real and serious problem just because you were lucky enough to escape.

I can assure you in populations where there is a high rate of maternal alcoholism (eg certain Russian groups), there is a correspondingly high rate of FAS.

everlong sis isn't heavily pregnant, that is cousin.
Sis is only just showing, could pass for not pg.
Nobody says anything to her, but they all speak to me, its lie they think I SHOULD be the one to say something.

It's massively unfair to compare her to other people. Please try not to, that will just make you judgmental.

It does sound like she's self-medicating. You say she doesn't drink every day, how often is she binging then?

Does she drink at home or just when she goes out?

Does her DP have a drinking problem?

Why does she have low self-esteem? Was her upbringing difficult?

I guess I'd be thinking about ways to maybe distract her and cheer her up. Do you spend a lot of time together? Could you try to organise more fun times for her that wouldn't probably lead to drinking?

?Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder is the most common birth defect in South Africa" from a world health organisation report

Do make your mind up Stranded....

"But given the amount of alcohol I drank when pg with DD she is absolutely fine, I don't think it is as bad as it is made out to be"

"DD does however have no bridge in her nose (a minor facial characteristic) because of FAS."

If I remember rightly, your daughter is only a toddler, so you cant even know what development delays your drinking could have caused her yet.. :(

Her upbringing was average until our teens when our parents seperated, but how many people does that happen to.
She binges every weekend and I've a feeling sometimes drinks in the week. Her dp doesn't often drink though is kinda addicted to energy drinks.
The low self esteem? I think her life just isn't turning out the way she imagined.

Stranded, what are you talking about?

OP, I don't know. The best would be to be supportive and provide info about drinking in pregnancy. I don't think there's much more you can do. She's likely to think you're being judgemental whatever you say.OTOH a family intervention of sorts might have some impact, but you say everyone is reluctant to talk to her.

It doesn't matter how many people it happens to -- it happened to her.

Do you think just because it's common, it doesn't hurt? Or that she has to react to it the same way that you have?

Isn't it possible her life isn't turning out well because of her low self-esteem?

It sounds like you two have very different lives and you don't really have much sympathy for her.

Do you actually want to help her? Because there are a lot of things you could do if you could muster up more sympathy than judgment.

Think about how messed up a woman would have to be to continue her addictions, knowing it's bad for her children.

Easy enough to say she's selfish and foolish, but what about helping her get to a better place?

dreamingbohemian.

I am lacking in sympathy a little, but I am not judgemental and avoid sounding so, which is why I have avoided speaking to her so far.
I don't think that every bad thing that people do, can be attributed to their upbringing, tough, easy, unusual or common, at some point you have to grow up and take responsibility. She is choosing to make babies, therefore she should choose to give them the best start in life no?
Do I actually 'want' to help her. How dare you.
Of course I do, but frankly I care more about the children in this situation, born or unborn, they are my priority.
I have NEVER called her selfish or foolish, just said they I don't understand her.
I do not think that her life is turning out badly because of low self esteem, i do not think her life is turning out badly, just not the way she expected.

I hate that SHE compares us.

But the best way to help the children is to help their mother. And the best way to do that is to try to understand her better.

Yes she should take responsibility but clearly something is obstructing that. THAT is what you have to tackle. You can't lecture her or turn her in -- you've already said that won't work. Your only option is to try to make her feel better in ways that will make it easier for her to resist her addictions.

You say you are not judgmental, but to expect that your sister should not be affected by her upbringing IS judgmental. It's expecting her to react to things the way you have. Maybe she is not as strong as you are -- and maybe she knows it, which won't help her self-esteem at all.

I just don't think you can attack the drinking head on. I think you have to address the underlying unhappiness, and for that I think you do have to have more sympathy.

I should say, I have a lot of addicts in my family, and I do really sympathise with the position you're in. I think you have to be realistic about how much you can really do.

OP I know you feel conflicted but no one should be getting fall down drunk when pregnant. My guess is you'll feel far worse if her baby is born with any difficulties caused by her drinking and you said nothing. FWIW I'd say something if it was my sister - but I also think I'd have to join a queue as my mother, father and brothers would be ahead of me so easy for me to say....

Maybe start with a "you need to take it easier" and an NHS leaflet so it's not just coming from you. Have you googled FAS? www.nofas-uk.org

Sisters often compare themselves to each other - don't beat yourself up over that. It does mean you might not be the best person to tackle this because she could be sensitive to hearing it from you - but without anyone else stepping up it looks like you're the only one. She may or may not have a drinking problem - she may just be in denial about the damage she's doing but you're not going to know unless you try and talk to her about it.

I think I'm going to speak to her dp. He is the calmer of the two and maybe needs some help speaking to her about it. She made a comment the other day that her dp was unhappy about how much coffee she was drinking during pregnancy, so he must have some idea.
I'm considering speaking to a midwife for advice first.

The Midwwife will speak in general terms and will give you 'worse case senarios'.

It is important to give support without overloading your sister. Tbh, specialist support would be given, tailored for her needs, if she could be honest.

FAS is a terrible, terrible problem. I speak as the mother of a child born with ?FAS - we will have to wait many years before we know if and how it has affected her. StrandedBear, you may feel you got lucky but I really don't think it's a good idea to spread the idea that drinking in pregnancy is 'not as bad as it's made out to be'.

OP, it's really hard to know what to advise without knowing your sister or understanding fully your relationship with her. Yes, this is a serious enough issue to justify intervention. But who knows if talking to her will help or not. I would have to say something, just to know that I had tried, but if the wellbeing of her dc isn't sufficient motivation then being told off by her sister is unlikely to be .

Can I just add in here you need a plan that isn't just 'the conversation' whether it's with her, the DP or the midwife
What can you do afterwards, will you go to AA meetings with her, will you organize something every weekend to keep her busy during the time she usually binges, will you be there for her to rant and rage about her life? None of this gets solved with one conversation particularly if there is any form of dependency. Go in with the concern but also try and have some ideas of how you can help. They may get thrown back in your face, but then you just keep trying. Speak to organizations who help families of addicts and see what they suggest.
Horrible situation and I feel for you but I also don't think you can just raise it then leave her to deal with it alone or with her DP (given they haven't done so yet)

Agree with bobbledunk on page 1. She doesn't deserve children and is an awful mother. I too would contact ss if I were you. What an utterly sad tale. She doesn't deserve sympathy she deserves condemnation - those poor children. I am disgusted by her and I really hope you act.

Stranded - I don't think you should be making light of hoe dangerous drinking in pg can be. But if you are the same 'stranded' who on a thread recently had no problem having 'quiet' sex whilst your daughter was playing in the room maybe I should not be surprised

Studies into the effects of alcohol during pg have shown that even with women who only drink occasionally, the foetus can show signs of increased startle responses. This is something all foetuses do untill around the 18 week mark. Increases in this response seem to be linked to behavioural problems in children.

More studies are being carried out but in a few years time advice will probably change to no drinking in pg,.

YADNBU. Speak to her DP. If he smokes and drinks it might be an idea for him to cut back/stop too. But I'm unsure as to why you think drinking is not addictive, she sounds like an alcoholic to me.

a few things/ideas

when people comment to you, push back. Say YOU say something to her. she needs to hear it from people other than me, be quite firm on this

Talk with her DP, print off that brochure from the FAS website. highlight it, show to him, then show to her in a non confrontational manner

do the same with your mother

I think its admirable that you want to be there for your DN, and I understand you dont want to alienate them. But this is very serious, as you know!

practice discussing it in a way that is calm, non confrontaional but firm. its possible!

what a fucking pickle eh?

what a fucking pickle indeed. I have tried the whole 'YOU talk to her then' but I always get the same response, 'not my place', 'she will take it as an attack'

dh and i were just saying last night that she is drinking more heavily with this pg than she did with dd1 and dd2, so maybe an 'attack' is what's in order.

dd1 has facial characteristics, no bridge, flat plectrum, small eye openings, thin upper lip. She is also incredibly small having to wear age 3 clothes despite being nearly 7 (I know that some children are just small, but as this is one of the nown symptoms, I include it).
She has bothe behavioural difficulties and learning difficulties. She get frustrated so easily and is difficult to reason with. She is under investigation for a diagnosis of ADHD, but I think her symptoms are in some ways similar to Asbergers.

dd2 is younger, only 18 months so it's difficult to say. Certainly she is larger in frame and seems to be thriving more. My dh worries that she is starting to show the same challenging behaviour, however I believe this could be learned behaviour from her older sister. We will have to wait and see, but my sis did take it ugh easier with alcohol with her second dd, than she did with her 1st or this pg... so fingers crossed.

samandi, it isn't that I don't think alcohol is addictive, its just that with smoking, as Ive never smoked, I can't really pass comment on how easy or hard it is to stop. Whereas I do enjoy a drink every now and again and found it to be quite an obvious decision to stop when I discovered I was pregnant.

Just a little extra info. One of the reasons I question 'my place' or her reaction is because dh and i struggle to conceive a dc number 2 and are trying to adopt.

Her children behave much better for my dh and I and her dd1 even refuses to go home at times. This si quite simply because we are firm but calm rather than shouting!! and she wants to stay because she loves to play with my dd. But.....obv sis worries about her parenting skills in comparison. As I said, SHE often compares us and considers herself to come up short. I hate this and don't encourage it at all. In fact there are ways in which she is a better mum than me.

So I do worry about calling into question her skills and attitude as a mother.