to feel uncomfortable about my sister drinking whilst pregnant?

[thatisall]

Actually uncomfortable is an understatement, it really upsets me.
My sister is pregnant with her 3rd child and has smoked and consumed alcohol throughout her previous two pregnancies.

I have never smoked and although I know its terrible for unborn babies, I don't feel I can pass comment on it, as I have never experienced a smoking addiction. The alcohol however is a different matter.

I know some people have the odd drink during pregnancy, but I didn't drink at all: can't she at least keep try??
I probably sound high and mighty saying that, but my sister isn't having the odd glass, she is getting 'fall over' drunk!!
She has been told that her baby is dangerously small and the local ante-natal unit have taken measures to help the pregnancy continue and yet she drinks like a fish and smokes like a chimney.
The baby was planned, so it isn't a case of her not wanting him/her.
In my opinion her two dd's do show some of the symptoms of foetal alcohol syndrome and I am so worried about this.
Our mother is flaky to say the least and would never say anything for fear of rocking the boat.
Is it my place to say something?
I feel like someone needs to protect this baby?

Sorry... I realise that you are already very worried. Could you speak to SS about your concerns, or a HV?

My sister is 25 and her dp has seen her drinking and smoking. He was with her on Friday when she was falling over.

If a health professional has asked her about drinking, i guarantee she will have lied. She is so worried about being considered a failure as a Mother.
My dh has considered speaking to her dp, but says that it will have very little effect. In my dh's opinion, if her dp isn't stepping in now, then him having a word isn't going to do anything.
She does love her dd's. I often disapprove of little bits and pieces to do with her parenting but who am i to judge? She isn't violent towards them and I'm sure there are things about my mothering skills that she questions.

In my dh's opinion, if her dp isn't stepping in now, then him having a word isn't going to do anything.

This isn't a good enough reason to stay silent, when children are at risk.

who am i to judge?

Presumably someone whose actions haven't caused a disability in their child?

It isn't about judgement,but about directing the best support to her and her children.

Her DP has to be spoken to about this, he may be at a loss what to do, let him know that you are there to support all of them.

YANBU in the slightest. Your sisters behaviour is disgusting, she needs reporting to the appropriate health care professionals so she can be given the help she obviously needs for her addictions.

Please make those calls ASAP.

But who do you make the calls to? The ante-natal unit? Her local gp's office?

Are they actually going to take on board anything I say, doesn't it breach patient confidentiality?
And if they ask her, she'll lie and say no.

I'm worried that by speaking to her or her dp, the oly result will be that I no longer see them. I don't want this for selfish reasons, because I never want to be without my dn's, but also because I have stepped in before when I've been unhappy with something to do with their care. I want them to know that they have me and my dh if they ever need us growing up and they won't if she becomes defensive and disappears out of our lives.

You have three choices,

Sit back and do nothing.

Speak to her DP, try to sort this out as a family.

Contact a professional, midwife, GP and that will start the safeguarding wheels in motion, they have specialist workers for pregnant women with addiction problems.

If it was my sister I would be telling both her and her partner how unhappy you are about her behaviour.
Don't mince your words.

Don't worry about rocking the boat. You have grave concerns about this unborn child, and aout your dns by the sound of it.
Selfish, selfish woman.

You have options.

Firstly, you need to decide how far you are willing to go. Are you willing to stand up and risk a fight? A fall out? If you aren't, well, then I suppose you have your answer.

If you are, then you can do several things. You can tackle the problem head on, and go straight to her, or you can call someone else (though I admit I don't know who) and involve someone professional.

StrandedBear did you know you were pg when you were drinking?

I think it depends on the person, luck and the amount from what I've read. But frankly if you were to become pg again, would you drink? Knowing that there was even a chance it would harm your child? I wouldn't.
I had a rather heavy night out just before my first missed period and really beat myself up about it or a long time; even though i had no idea I was pg.
I wouldn't dream of doing anything that would put an unborn baby at risk. Her attitude is completely alien to me.

Good and brave post by Shockers

HandMini I thought that too but have been replying on here in a bit of a rush (mad house!) and wanted to respond to Shockers properly.
Shockers It can't be easy for you to hear and speak about this issue and I really appreciate your honesty and advice. Thank you x

Stranded. I'm really pleased that your daughter is fine. However i work with some sen kids who have fetal alcohon syndrome. It exists.
Some people smoke all of their lives and still don't develop lung cancer. That doesn't mean that there isn't a strong correlation between smoking and cancer.

She obviously needs help. Poor baby. Poor her.

But why do you think she drinks so much?

I don't think you have many options. If you go to someone about it, it will be your word against hers. If you speak to her directly, you say she might cut you out of their lives, which would be no good for your DNs.

You can only address this indirectly. What is driving her addictions? They are just a symptom of something deeper. Maybe there are some things you can do to alleviate that -- not cut it out completely, but reduce it a bit at least.

I'm confused, Stranded, what do you mean about your dd and FAS?

Whilst i was Pregnant i occasionally had the odd beer. I mean one. I was told i could have up to four units a week, and i'd maybe have 1, because i was a student i had to go to a million meetings about how its bad for the baby, which i knew and was very sensible.

Up until i had a bump i went out with my friends, but just drank diet coke. My friends wouldn't even let me have one Red Bull.

The only comment i can make about smoking, is that my pregnancy was consultant lead and in his own words he said 'If it was a choice between smoking and drinking to give up, definitely give up drinking'' I didn't smoke, but this was bought up, he didn't seem bothered about smoking in pregnancy at all which i found

*brought up. My computer automatically changes words and i can't figure out how to turn it off!

YADNBU. I have worked with FAS children. It's awful & agree with PP who said it often goes undiagnosed. You need to say something to someone. If the MW is gravely concerned about baby's weight chances are she already suspects it; they do this for a living. Who are you to get involved? Your that child's aunt. You're a relative. If your mother or your sisters DP won't step up to the mark somebody has to for the sake of that poor baby.

dreamingbohemian dh and I were just asking ourselves the same question. We don't know.
They are short of money and she does have some issues with self esteem, so maybe she's self medicating some level of depression, but I know a lot of people with the same or worse financial difficulties and the same issues of low self esteem who do not drink like this.
I know everyone is different and it isn't always fair to compare but sometimes you can't help it.

She doesn't drink every day but seems to have no self control if there is money in her pocket and a drink available.
I don't know how this will make me sound; but she doesn't even seem embarrassed about her drinking. I recently had a hen party where my maid of honour arranged a quieter night, something that my gran, mum and heavily preg cousin could attend and not feel uncomfortable or at risk (cousin is struggling with pg), so she could easily have stayed sober at that.

She was hammered. She even made a comment when I began drinking soft drinks towards the end of the evening (I get drunk v quickly so try to pace myself!) saying no problem that I wasn't drinking as she had had enough for everyone.
I just don't understand.
She makes comments about safe limits etc. If there are any recommendations, she is NOT sticking to them, but my understanding is that best advice is NONE AT ALL>