More what would you do really. My Mum and childcare.

[Nobhead]

Not sure what to do really but here goes. My DS goes to school in Sept and currently my Mum looks after him on Fridays which I really appreciate. Before I had DS my Mum had basically organised my childcare for me and assumed she would be looking after him full time when I went back to work . When I informed her that we wanted him to go to nursery for many different reasons (didn't want to have to rely solely on her what if she got ill, what happens when she goes on holiday, want him to mix with other kids etc) she was mortally offended to the point of tears. Also because she has very different parenting ideas to me and DH which I knew would ultimately end up in us all falling out. We then came to a compromise and she now looks after him every Friday which works out quite well as her and my Dad get to see him regularly but it also frees up our weekends as we don't feel obliged to go and see them (my Mum is adept at making me feel guilty if she doesn't see him at least once a week) as they have already spent time with him.
So I have just got off the phone with her and she said"nobhead I have been thinking about what happens when DGS goes to school (it's 4 months away FFS!) when will we see him? I thought I could pick him from school for you on Fridays and take him back to your house and you and DH could go out for a meal or something otherwise we won't see him."
This is obviously a very kind offer but I'm not keen because

1. I don't really want her to do the school run for a number of reasons. The other day DS told her about being told off at nursery for doing something before he was allowed to and she said "nobhead why are they shouting at him, there are better ways of doing it" . I can just imagine her marching in to school to give the teacher a piece of her mind if nhe gets told off at school.
2. DH and I just want to come home and relax on Friday nights after a long week at work. I'm not sure what the solution is TBH- she won't be happy unless she sees him at least once a week but DH and I work full time and never get to spend lots of time with DS as it is so we don't really want to spend every Sunday afternoon with them (they tend to take over and we don't see him for the whole time we are there as they disappear with him and don't really chat with me and DH when we visit) or leave him with them as we won't get to spend time family time with him. I understand that when he goes to school they will miss him terribly but isn't that just part of what happens when DGC grow up and go off to school- you inevitably aren't going to see them as much. I don't know what to do- any advice? AIBU?

ATIYL, the OP has not said that she feels bullied by her mother. she's said that her mum is overbearing and she is irritated at her trying to organise her life.

But she's also said that she appreciates her mum helping her and that her mum would do anything for her.

I think she's caught between a mum who wants a bit too much involvement (and she's right to have other arrangements in place, too and not let her mum take over) and a dh who has very little involvement with his own parents and so can't see any need to accommodate his mil. She's trying to placate both sides, which is hard.

I dont understand what the problem is here. It sounds as if your mum is just worried that she wont see your ds when he goes to school - she loves him and will miss him. You say he adores her. What on earth is the problem with reassuring her that she will see him at least one evening a week.

If my mum asked if she could pick dd up from school every Friday then look after her while me and DH went to the pub/had a meal, Id bite her bloody hand off. Im sure most people would.

Your DH sounds horrible, sorry. You say that her looking after him on a Friday causes arguments between you. Why? Wouldnt he rather his son be looked after by someone who loves him than be in a nursery. Are you being negative towards your mum because of your husbands attitude towards her because that would be really sad. I just feel very sorry for your mum and dont thnk you have a problem here at all that couldnt be solved very quickly with a little bit of communication on all sides

What would I do? Say thank you and be bloody grateful. I don't understand your dh's attitude at all. If you had no one at all to babysit, I bet he would soon change his tune. Nobody is forcing you to go out for a meal, if you want to relax at home on a Friday after work, it would be much easier to do this if you had a child going to granny's for tea. Or you could use the time to get something's done at home. Meanwhile your ds and his granny could enjoy spending some time together. Then you could have your weekend free for family time. Sounds like a great arrangment to me.

I don't think it's controlling to be asking about it now, presumably you will be planning your after school arrangements long before September? And if you are using an after school club, your mum could pick him up on days when they get out early, like at the end of term, when the after school club probably won't be on.

Yes, we should all be grateful to have mothers that make us feel browbeaten and like we have to do what they say "to keep the peace".

i think it's quite sad - one day many of us will be grandmothers ourselves. Feel the same about one day possible being the MIL when I read some of the threads on here and attitudes.

I really don't see what the problem is with coming to an arrangement that allows your mum to pick her gc say once a week (maybe not the friday thing) after school and spend some time with them till you pick them up after work. of course mums can be annoying and overbearing at time, they are mums! you won't always have her there.

You don't know you're born!

If she wants some surrogate GC, send her bloody round!

You are making this poor woman out to be some kind of ogre, AThing.

Is it really so terrible for gps to want to spend time with their gc once a week? They have only made a suggestion, if a Friday doesn't suit, then maybe suggest a different day. OP's DS has been used to seeing his gps one day a week and he loves spending time with them, wouldn't you want your dc to have the chance to spend time with loving gps?

Why are you so keen for her not to pick your ds up from school?? School staff are usually good at being tactful - if she is being a bit interfering you can reiterate to his teacher that you only want them to communicate with you or his dad and are happy for them to tell his grandma this if she tries to raise issues with them herself.

I wouldn't commit to your weekday that you have off work as you may start to resent having to go to your mum's for tea every monday on what should be a day off where you can pick your ds up from school and spend a bit of time with him.

I wouldn't commit to the Friday either as, as others have said Friday is often a time for playdates/after school parties. Plus he will be coming home with homework and stuff that needs doing. Also if your mum is a bone of contention in your household this will set the tone for the weekend won't it.

I would suggest tuesday and/or wednesday she picks him up and does him his tea, and then he's home by bath time (you pick him up on your way home from work, quickly stop off, he's ready to go, and off you go home).

Have you thought about what you will be doing in the school hols?

My mum lives less than 2 miles from me, DS and I see her every 2 or 3 weeks, for a few hours. My other sis usually will pop in at some point for a few hours on a friday or saturday, my youngest sister and her kids see my mum even less than me. The point is it shouldn't be such a big deal, and it shouldn't be so rigid and set in stone, and need planning this many months in advance!

"Is it really so terrible for gps to want to spend time with their gc once a week? They have only made a suggestion"

No, they have been haranguing the OP to make a commitment before she is ready to think about arrangements when her child is at school.

Wanting to see your children and grandchildren regularly = normal

Demanding weekly access arrangements to your grandchild months in advance = nuts

"The point is it shouldn't be such a big deal, and it shouldn't be so rigid and set in stone, and need planning this many months in advance!"

Bingo!

Your family sounds like mine - no need to tie people into regimented arrangements if they actually enjoy seeing you.

I'm amazed that people think it's acceptable for a grandmother to be so demanding and pushy and make her daughter feel browbeaten.

I'm so glad emotional blackmail and throwing hissy fits and harassing people until they give in are not the way we operate in my family (or my in-laws, for that matter.)

Pro-tip: if your children like you, you won't need to bully them into letting you see your grandchildren.

They haven't been haranguing, they have made a suggestion, if it doesn't suit, then perhaps they can arrange something that suits everyone. Presumably as the op and her dh are both working FT, they will need to make arrangements for after school care well ahead of time. For example, if they were to use a childminder, they would hardly be waiting until the last minute to arrange this. So it makes sense for the OP's parents to offer to pick him up on Fridays, or on one particular day, so that they can bear this in mind when arranging after school care.

I honestly don't know how offering to pick a gc up every Friday equals "emotional blackmail and throwing hissy fits and harassing people"

Read the thread: the OP feels browbeaten, thinks she will have to agree to school pickups (despite not wanting to) "for an easy life", and this woman has form for emotional blackmail when childcare for her grandson isn't arranged to her liking.

Someone who had just made a simple suggestion and been happy to wait until things were clearer before making arrangements would not have inspired this thread.

Only someone conditioned by years of maternal bullying and neediness would need advice on whether she needed to give in to her mother's wheedling about this.

Is this how you plan to treat your children when they are adults?

I'm sure my children will be perfectly capable of standing up for themselves if they feel "browbeaten"! Believe me they are more than capable of asserting themselves.

Sorry i haven't read all the post got as far as page 3
personally i agree with moving the day or going to her house .
as someone who has no family help i also would grab it with both hands. my "d"p s could only be bothered to see their dgds when it suited them every 3 or 4 months for a few hours but not for their birthday (amazingly same time each year ) as its inconvenient . my dh only has a very elderly grandmother in another country . so we pay a lot for an after school Nanny (brilliant that she is) but id love to have family help and/or relationship with their grandparents

"If my mum asked if she could pick dd up from school every Friday then look after her while me and DH went to the pub/had a meal, Id bite her bloody hand off. Im sure most people would."

I know I'm not most people but I wouldn't bite my mother's hand off, because she is a mentally ill, toxic alcoholic with a degree in gaslighting who puts my children in dangerous situations. So, even if it saved me money and was convenient, I'd turn her down.

Now, I'm not saying the OP's mum is any of that - but OP is not happy with being harangued by her mother into making arrangements for 5 months time, which are not her mother's decisions to make. I would imagine, in a lot of families, that the GM would say "I'm happy to pick DC up from school one day a week, let me know if that suits you and we'll discuss nearer the time" That situation would not warrant a thread on MN However, the OP was told that her GM was collecting her DC from school and keeping him until after the OP returned home from an evening out with her DH whether or not she wanted to. There's more to this.

You really can't win on here, the OP isn't 100% happy with her mum doing pick ups because she think her Mum's attitude is a problem, if she went with this suggestion and then came on saying "AIBU to tell my mum to not talk to the teachers that way when she picks up my DS from school" she'd get a chorus of "cheeky cow, if you don't like the way your mum does things, pay for your childcare!"

But now she doesn't want to use her mum and use paid for childcare, she's been told she's being horrible to her mum and odd for not wanting to have every Friday night already booked as DS and DGM night.

Just because the offer has been made, doesn't mean you are then under obligation to accept free childcare and suck it up if you don't like how things are done when you can afford and would prefer to pay for care.

Just because a grandparent wants a set day every day that's their time with the DGC doesn't mean they have to get it, and certainly shouldn't feel the need to find a replacement time if for some reason it's not convienent for the family.

I would let her do another day. Yep she might be overbearing with you but I note you arent very critical of how she is with your son. She sounds like she adores him, is interested in him and indulges him. In other words an excellent gp and you just can't substitute for that level of unconditional love and interest in your child. My kids completely get it off my mum.

As for their other grandparents, they are both dead so we super appreciate what they have with my mum.