More what would you do really. My Mum and childcare.

[Nobhead]

Not sure what to do really but here goes. My DS goes to school in Sept and currently my Mum looks after him on Fridays which I really appreciate. Before I had DS my Mum had basically organised my childcare for me and assumed she would be looking after him full time when I went back to work . When I informed her that we wanted him to go to nursery for many different reasons (didn't want to have to rely solely on her what if she got ill, what happens when she goes on holiday, want him to mix with other kids etc) she was mortally offended to the point of tears. Also because she has very different parenting ideas to me and DH which I knew would ultimately end up in us all falling out. We then came to a compromise and she now looks after him every Friday which works out quite well as her and my Dad get to see him regularly but it also frees up our weekends as we don't feel obliged to go and see them (my Mum is adept at making me feel guilty if she doesn't see him at least once a week) as they have already spent time with him.
So I have just got off the phone with her and she said"nobhead I have been thinking about what happens when DGS goes to school (it's 4 months away FFS!) when will we see him? I thought I could pick him from school for you on Fridays and take him back to your house and you and DH could go out for a meal or something otherwise we won't see him."
This is obviously a very kind offer but I'm not keen because

1. I don't really want her to do the school run for a number of reasons. The other day DS told her about being told off at nursery for doing something before he was allowed to and she said "nobhead why are they shouting at him, there are better ways of doing it" . I can just imagine her marching in to school to give the teacher a piece of her mind if nhe gets told off at school.
2. DH and I just want to come home and relax on Friday nights after a long week at work. I'm not sure what the solution is TBH- she won't be happy unless she sees him at least once a week but DH and I work full time and never get to spend lots of time with DS as it is so we don't really want to spend every Sunday afternoon with them (they tend to take over and we don't see him for the whole time we are there as they disappear with him and don't really chat with me and DH when we visit) or leave him with them as we won't get to spend time family time with him. I understand that when he goes to school they will miss him terribly but isn't that just part of what happens when DGC grow up and go off to school- you inevitably aren't going to see them as much. I don't know what to do- any advice? AIBU?

wordfactory - my thougths too, it seems people treat you as odd for not wanting to be away from your DCs in your precious family time. And Friday night to Saturday morning will end up being 'after lunch' meaning that by the time he's home they won't be able to do anything on a Saturday.

Free childcare is only good if it comes with no strings attached, isn't a hassle, and you need the money more than you need to be in control of what happens with your own DCs.

I do want my parents to see him but I hate being told when she should see him that's what pisses me off and organising it 4 months before he even goes to school- we don't even know what school he has got into yet for crying out loud. One poster wrote that she would have a tantrum if the Friday thing was broken, I don't think she would have a tantrum such but she would sigh and say "oh no so when will we see him then?" It irritates me and DH gets very annoyed but at the same time I know that they are ALWAYS there if we need them especially in an emergency so I don't want to cut them off. My DH says he would rather forget the nights out and babysitting than have to pander to her. I guess we have to make a decision on how she sees him and how often- whether it be pick up from school or to hers at the weekend. I just know that if it isn't at least once a week she won't be happy. How often do you parents see your kids? What is reasonable?

My parents see my ds once a week, occasionally more if something is happening.

the less you have to worry about the more you get hung up on the small stuff - just sounds like your under-occupied mum finds these issues loom larger than you do. Which is to be expected, also not surprising it generates irritation.

But, what your DH suggests which is to cut her out is an over-reaction (based on what you have said here)

Could you gently discuss this with her? Could she get other things to spend her time on?

Have I got this straight?

She loves your DS
She wants to continue having a relationship with him?
She doesn't go out much so her grandchild is important to her?
She is offering free childcare so you and your DH can have some time to yourselves?
She and your Dad would do anything for you?

You are complaining about WHAT exactly?

And to the poster who said she was "toxic" - why ffs?

She may be a bit needy but is offering support, building a relationship with her grandchild and all that needs tweaking is the night she does this.

I'd be biting her hand off personally.

My mil comes over every Friday afternoon for a few hours. She is usually gone by 6ish. We came to that arrangement because her ideal was to come over every Sunday afternoon (for hours), which I found very restrictive. I felt I didn't have enough time to just be with my dh and dc, by ourselves. I also felt I was having to arrange my life according to someone else's schedule and preferences, which I felt resentful about.

We settled on Friday, because of her job - she works away in the week, so that was the only day she could do, which wasn't a weekend. It's fine, although I would like it more if she came on her own, but she is one of those women who gets a new partner and won't do anything without them - not even visit her own son and dgc for a few hours.

My own parents live about 10 minutes away so I see them more frequently - they will pop in for a cuppa or the older kids will wander down to theirs for chocolate to say hello. I don't tend to see much of them at weekends, unless I go shopping with them or stop by on the way home from the park.

My dc have a very close relationship with all their grandparents and I am grateful for it, because I do value that, even though it means I have to commit to some times that don't always suit me.

I do think though, that in your case, Fridays are not ideal for you and you would be better to go for a different weekday.

I think your husband, despite his irritation, needs to understand that your ds is her flesh and blood too and given that she is a loving and kind grandma, it is in your child's interests to spend this time with her. So he should swallow his irritation for his son's sake, if not his mil's.

Of course, that only holds true if she is supportive of your parenting and doesn't undermine you etc. If you are worried about school, you can always ask her just to report any issues to you and you will sort them with the school yourself. I don't see anything wrong in her being concerned when your child was told off - that's natural granny behaviour imo.

These are all great bits of advice guys thanks very much. I just had a thought, I am off work on Mondays so perhaps I could pick him up from school on Monday's and then take him to theirs and we could have tea there with them. That way she doesn't have to pick him up from school, she gets to see him at her house and my DH won't have to deal with them- hopefully both her and DH will go for that. Everyone's a winner

It seems like you don't really know what you want! Tbh, I'm not surprised your MIL is worrying about Sept. She has probably built up quite a close relationship with your Ds after spending every Friday with him. And it would seem like now you've had what you need (ie free childcare) you don't need to bother anymore.

You have said -

-You don't want her to go to the school encased she embarrass you so therefore she can't do school pick ups

-you don't want him to stay over night

-you don't want him to visit on weekends

I personally wouldn't want to plan visits on a school night as there is not much time when they have eaten, done reading etc.

Maybe you should just tell her no?!

Personally, my 2 love staying with their gp's. They stay one or two todays a month and we pick them up on a Saturday morning. It means we can have a relaxing night in, go out, do jobs in the house (cleaning or decorating etc).

I'm struggling to see the problem. I would hope and expect to spend time with my grand children when my dc are grown up.

nobhead excellent plan.

Sounds like a good idea. Hope it all works out

"When I informed her that we wanted him to go to nursery for many different reasons (didn't want to have to rely solely on her what if she got ill, what happens when she goes on holiday, want him to mix with other kids etc) she was mortally offended to the point of tears."

That is toxic.

So is her insistence on seeing her grandchild every week.

My parents live near my siblings and see their grandchildren approximately weekly.

This happens without any need for enforced weekly routines because their children and children-in-law like them, because they are nice, and fun, and understanding and don't throw strops about how their adult children choose to raise their families.

I don't think it is toxic to want to look after your dgc, and to be hurt because the parents want something else. However good the reasons are for choosing nursery, (and I'm not judging that at all,OP - your reasons make very good sense), to the GP it is a rejection of what they are offering.

Possibly the gran knows that she irritates her dd and sil and her sil in particular, has little tolerance for her. Perhaps she feels scared that she won't get to see this child, that she adores and has had a close relationship with. People lead busy lives and fill their weekends with plans, so it's not an unfounded fear. I think there needs to be some compassion. I can't see the toxicity here at all tbh.

I understand that it's great she wants to be so involved. I understand it's great your dm loves your son so much. But he's your son, so you and your dp get to decide what he does after school, she can't dictate anything to you. Maybe something informal would work better? You won't be beholden to her that way. If you can't make it once a week, so what? I don't see my dm once a week and she only lives down the road, there are other things I want to do, and weekends wheres it's just us and the kids is nicer imo.
She can't make you feel guilty unless you let her.

You're going to commit to going to your mother's every Monday?

Why can't you just say - "you'll still see him lots, we don't need a weekly routine to achieve that."

It's so sad that you feel browbeaten into an unnecessary weekly appointment with your own mother.

Some Mondays you can go and see her. Others you (and/or your son) will have other things you need or want to do.

Poor kid - pretty soon he's going to be in the same boat as you - afraid to live his life as he wants in case Granny has another shit fit.

Parents get to choose childcare for their own children.

Grandparents who think they get a say in that, and who throw temper tantrums if they don't get their way, are toxic.

Grandparents who are obsessed by their relationships with their grandchildren give me the creeps. If your children liked you enough to want to see you, you would have nothing to worry about

i decided not to take DD to grandparents one saturday morning (our usual day). DD was devasted because that's the day she gets to play with grandad in the garden. it's a right pain some weeks but the time she has with them is precious and it's important to her as much as it is to them.

maybe your DS needs to see his grandparents too and an alloted time of the week can be really helpful in managing the rest of the weekl/relationship.

it wont be long before you have to drag him there anyway so allowing is essential. She's come up with a role for herself, that allows you some friday night quiet time and doesn't take away your weekend.

i think she's already offered you a well thought out compromise that you could use positively.

School i think is less of a problem than you might think, Come Friday night, teachers are busy thinking about going home themselves and DS will more than likely not say anything until it's too late for her to do anything

Not from a parent perspective, but DH lived close to both sets of grandparents as a child. One set did a midweek afterschool pickup and tea (once he went to secondary school and college this just became tea obviously) whilst the other set were seen whenever they were passing. As an adult he is much closer to the former set because of that regular time spent together.

Your DS will probably be very grateful for the chance to build a relationship with his grandmother which is easiest if he can see her regually. Of course if he doesn't like seeing her on Fridays atm then it would be silly to force him to do so, but otherwise see if you can negotiate on days.

If your DH doesn't like her then he doesn't have to see her: ask her to take DS to her house and you can pick him up from there.

That does sound like a good plan, although I'd say you'll go over every other Monday - if you want to increase it to every Monday it'll be easier than the other way round, but that way you'll get some time with just you and DS, and you won't have to feel you have to appologise/rearrange if DS has a dental apointment/goes to a friend's house/you just want time on your own. With your DS going to school, there's less time 'up for grabs' with him, your Mum should expect she'll see him less.

My PILs see DS every other week, my parents every 2-3 weeks.

Oh to have your problems!

I hope that plan works out for you Nobhead.

Just wondering though - if you both work full time who was/is going to do the school runs? My children need collecting at 2:45, earlier at the end of term (1:30). Sorry if you've already answered this.

Your mum obviously adores your DS and wants to spend some time with him. I'm sure he loves being with her too. Let her be involved but obviously on your terms. My mum can also be a bit like this but I couldn't manage without her and keep reminding myself how lucky I am.

tea with granny on a thursday after school sounds good and he can be delivered home for bed time.

You say your mum would do anything for you and will always be there in an emergency, but if you refuse to let her see DS for your convenience, can you expect her to drop everything if you or your DH get ill? Will you expect her to drop everything to pick your DS up when there are exceptional circumstances (teachers strike/ chickenpox/ snow)?

What are your plans for the holidays and inset days?

op, you do not want her doing the school run at all???
When it's cold, dark and miserable and you feel dreadful and you cant be bothered going out?
When you are running late and can't get there?
When she saves you going out to collect your ds so you can finish a job or two?

Even though children love having other people collect them from school?

She might be overbearing but honestly you cannot tolerate her collecting him once a week or every other week??

I would see your Mum some Mondays together and let her pick up your DS once a week. Thursdays?

So many benefits that it's worth sucking up the irritation ....

Starting school is exhausting to little people. After-school clubs are tiring (assume, as you work FT, you'll be using one or a childminder).
We've four boys and two of them have good quality one-on-one relationships with a grandmother, another has bonded with a grandfather - as they growing having another adult to talk to about school and life has really benefitted them. The fourth has yet to show his hand and we're running out of olds
Enjoy the opportunity for the occasional night out, throw her out at six if you fancy it - don't promise a routine though after 6pm
Let her to help you with the settling in at school And holidays and inset days. Being able to lounge at home helps them recharge batteries.
Oh, and spending regular time with older people helps kids learn respect too.

If it makes you feel better my Mum and MiL are the kindest, nicest ladies in the world ... But, my, I find them irritating with their long term planning and stuff.

But I chant "in with anger out with love" and "it takes a village to raise a child" in my head and have been known to call "it's wine o'clock" earlier in the evenings if they're lurking in my space. I also point out to the boys how lovely it is they get time with their GPs in a vain attempt to perhaps influence them when it's my turn to be a source of free, but irritating, childcare

I don't get it. Why is your mum the enemy here? Why can't she pick him up from school every day that you're working? Would that be a problem, that she picks him up, gives him a snack and then you drive past and pick him up on your way home?