More what would you do really. My Mum and childcare.

[Nobhead]

Not sure what to do really but here goes. My DS goes to school in Sept and currently my Mum looks after him on Fridays which I really appreciate. Before I had DS my Mum had basically organised my childcare for me and assumed she would be looking after him full time when I went back to work . When I informed her that we wanted him to go to nursery for many different reasons (didn't want to have to rely solely on her what if she got ill, what happens when she goes on holiday, want him to mix with other kids etc) she was mortally offended to the point of tears. Also because she has very different parenting ideas to me and DH which I knew would ultimately end up in us all falling out. We then came to a compromise and she now looks after him every Friday which works out quite well as her and my Dad get to see him regularly but it also frees up our weekends as we don't feel obliged to go and see them (my Mum is adept at making me feel guilty if she doesn't see him at least once a week) as they have already spent time with him.
So I have just got off the phone with her and she said"nobhead I have been thinking about what happens when DGS goes to school (it's 4 months away FFS!) when will we see him? I thought I could pick him from school for you on Fridays and take him back to your house and you and DH could go out for a meal or something otherwise we won't see him."
This is obviously a very kind offer but I'm not keen because

1. I don't really want her to do the school run for a number of reasons. The other day DS told her about being told off at nursery for doing something before he was allowed to and she said "nobhead why are they shouting at him, there are better ways of doing it" . I can just imagine her marching in to school to give the teacher a piece of her mind if nhe gets told off at school.
2. DH and I just want to come home and relax on Friday nights after a long week at work. I'm not sure what the solution is TBH- she won't be happy unless she sees him at least once a week but DH and I work full time and never get to spend lots of time with DS as it is so we don't really want to spend every Sunday afternoon with them (they tend to take over and we don't see him for the whole time we are there as they disappear with him and don't really chat with me and DH when we visit) or leave him with them as we won't get to spend time family time with him. I understand that when he goes to school they will miss him terribly but isn't that just part of what happens when DGC grow up and go off to school- you inevitably aren't going to see them as much. I don't know what to do- any advice? AIBU?

I woud suggest a different evening, OP.

The idea of having to get ready and go out every Friday would fill me with dread. And I don't think DH would be too keen on coming home from work each Friday to find my Mum there .

Also, point out to her that oncehe starts school, there are oodles of holidays and inset days etc when you will be begging her to help out!!

I also thought your mum was calling you a nobhead

I agree with others who said why not see if she will have DS overnight on the Friday. They get a nice long time together and you get a night off.

Thanks all. I think we may suggest a different day, I'm not sure what DH will say he doesn't like my Mum looking after DS on Fridays anyway as she drives him nuts (subject of many arguments between DH and I- I am more tolerent of her than DH is). However it does have its pluses as many of you have mentioned- the more I think about it I think I'm more concerned about what my DH's reaction will be, it's a battle trying to keep them both happy.

I'm not surprised your DH can't stand her, she sounds like a toxic nightmare.

That sounds like hard refereeing work - families always bring light and shade but you can't change her and when she's gone she's gone. Bet your DS loves her though!

My own Mum is quite barmy and I have to take deep breaths often so I know where you are coming from but the situation has to be looked at in the round I think.

At least she is in a position to consider a different day - think of a good reason for the difference and sell it to her as a positive.
:)

LEt her do a different day - and if she marches into the school, just pass her off as your "slightly batty but well meaning mother". The school will probably do that anyway!

Gosh it's hard isn't it? I also was considered "mad" by people on here for turning down free child care from MIL, which if I'd accepted and then she'd been as overbearing as I thought she would be, I'd be told I was being entitled and "if you don't like the way she does the care, pay for it!"

You don't like the way your mum is with your DS, you aren't comfortable with her doing the school run and it's not a help as you don't need the free care, so turn it down. You also don't have to see them every week just because she wants to see you every week.

A compromise could be that you have a place in the after school club every day (say it's just easier to get a full time place) and every other week she could pick him up on a Monday or Tuesday and then on the other weeks, see her on a weekend afternoon? Or could your DS have a 'thing' on a Saturday or Sunday morning (rugby, football, swimming etc) that she could take him too? If she's overbearing and difficult with the organisers of that, it's not a big deal compared to being difficult with school.

oh and it's more important for your DS to have a mummy and daddy who are happy than to see Granny IMO - if seeing granny a lot causes problems for you and DH, then that's a problem for your DS.

I have a similarly difficult situation with my mum.

She is 63 and lives alone. Dd aged 8 is her world. Both I and dh work. Dd goes to her biological dad for the weekend every other week leaving mum even less time to have her.

She used to look after dd full time for me while I worked ina very demanding job. Since dd is now at school and I work less hours she now picks up dd from school 2 days a week, takes her back to hers for tea and I either get a few hours to relax or I go and do the food shopping. Often she will have dd overnight for a "sleepover at grannies".

I think you have to be more flexible and less worried about the picking up from school thing. It doesn't matter if she goes in guns blazing one day, they'll just roll their eyes and think she's an over protective grandparent. I'm sure they've seen it all before.

Let her have an evening / few hours after school one day a week. Everyone's happy then. :)

I agree that another day in the week, would be your best bet. It could work out really well for you, if she picks him up and takes him to her house, rather than yours. You could come home from work and have a bit of time to potter and sort yourself out, rather than having to rush around and do tea/bath. Your mum would still get time with your ds, but your dh wouldn't have to see her, because she wouldn't be in your home.

You could 'sell' it to your dh that it is actually helping you and saving you money on after school fees. It still allows your son to spend time with his GPs (and he would miss them if he is used to seeing them regularly), but means that you don't get the guilts about not spending weekends visiting. What's not to love?

Despite the issues with your mum, it really is to your benefit that she wants to do this - the time will come when you need last minute help, so you are fortunate that she wants to do it.

Can't she have him a different day? It seems pretty reasonable to want to see him once a week and I'm sure he enjoys spending time with his granny.

He does adore her and I can see it from her POV too she will miss him so much. I will speak to DH tonight and see what we can come up with (cue the eye rolling and FFS she needs to get a life from DH), I know this will piss him off. I need to sell it to him and point out all the pluses (free weekends, free childcare) and she and my Dad are very helpful and would drop everything to help us out (even if they are a tad irritating in how they are with DS) so we should meet them half way. My DH's parents live over 100 miles away and it's a struggle to get them to come up and see us (this pisses me off sometimes- we have to go to theirs all the time) even though they say "oh we really should come and see you but it's hard to find time" even though they manage to go to their caravan a lot which is twice the distant away , I may just mention that to him.

I do think that perhaps your dh needs to be a bit more sympathetic to your mum's pov and see that you are in the middle. I think it's hard when you come from families that are very different (yours wants to be involved on a daily basis, and his doesn't feel that need).

I'm not wild about seeing my ILs once a week, if I'm being brutally honest - but I know that they are my children's family - my kids adore their grandmother and it's of benefit to both them and my mil, for a close relationship to form.

In the back of my mind, I think that if something happened to me and dh, my dc would need all their grandparents.

Your dh sounds quite horrible actually. If you could tactfully persuade your mum not to stay all night he wouldn't even have to see her. Why on earth would he want to stop his son having a good relationship with his Granny and turn down the chance of good quality free childcare?

You really do need to make your DH understand that come what may your DM will want some time with your DS, and if it is not aone day after school it will be weekends where he will be expected to join in too. Surely thats a no-brainer for him.

Could you suggest that instead of picking him up from school, that you will do the school pick ups and bring him home from school so that on a friday he can get changed and pick up stuff to take to granny's house. Then you could drop him over to her house where he can spend the night. Pick him up at lunchtime saturday.

why would she have to bring him to your house? Couldn't she pick him up and go to hers?

But I'd also move away from the Friday night idea - that will mean a large chunk of your weekend with your DS is already planned for you, it will be hard to do things in "her" time, whereas a Monday or Tuesday night might be a little easier for you to fit round.

"Why on earth would he want to stop his son having a good relationship with his Granny and turn down the chance of good quality free childcare?"

Because she's a manipulative, emotional blackmailer who throws toddler tantrums when she doesn't get to make parenting decisions for her grandson?

A good relationship with the kind of grandmother who can't be trusted not to cause problems with the child's school wouldn't be top of my wishlist for my children either.

If she lives so nearby, what on earth is the need for a set-in-stone weekly arrangement?

Why can't you just arrange to see her, or for your son to see her, as and when it suits you all, like in normal families without controlling mothers?

No way on earth would I be tying myself, my husband and my child up to an arrangement like every single Friday she has to have him.

Surely a more normal arrangement would be - "maybe sometimes on Fridays I could pick him up from school, and you guys could go out that night."

When you actually want to see someone they don't feel the need to tue you down with an every single goddamn week arrangement.

Can you imagine the tantrum if you guys ever want to see your own son of a Friday?

This rigidity is completely unnecessary. Not to mention controlling.

My phone seems to be be refusing the word "tie", apologies.

A lot of posters here suggecting an overnight stay every Friday, but OP and her DH already work full time and want to spend that time with their child. Which is perfectly understandable.

Agree with LydiaWickham.

I would be very wary of instituting any kind of a right for your parents to see DS with any particular frequency or on specific days, since your mother is overbearing and they monopolise him when they visit. Time together as a family for you, DH and DS is much more important. I don't say they shouldn't see him, just that there is nothing wrong with being flexible and you needn't feel remotely guilty about prioritising time with you and DH over time with grandparents.

I look after my dgs 's twice a week including after nursery/school pick ups. Your attitude is what terrifies me will I still be wanted when I'm not needed iyswim?