More what would you do really. My Mum and childcare.

[Nobhead]

Not sure what to do really but here goes. My DS goes to school in Sept and currently my Mum looks after him on Fridays which I really appreciate. Before I had DS my Mum had basically organised my childcare for me and assumed she would be looking after him full time when I went back to work . When I informed her that we wanted him to go to nursery for many different reasons (didn't want to have to rely solely on her what if she got ill, what happens when she goes on holiday, want him to mix with other kids etc) she was mortally offended to the point of tears. Also because she has very different parenting ideas to me and DH which I knew would ultimately end up in us all falling out. We then came to a compromise and she now looks after him every Friday which works out quite well as her and my Dad get to see him regularly but it also frees up our weekends as we don't feel obliged to go and see them (my Mum is adept at making me feel guilty if she doesn't see him at least once a week) as they have already spent time with him.
So I have just got off the phone with her and she said"nobhead I have been thinking about what happens when DGS goes to school (it's 4 months away FFS!) when will we see him? I thought I could pick him from school for you on Fridays and take him back to your house and you and DH could go out for a meal or something otherwise we won't see him."
This is obviously a very kind offer but I'm not keen because

1. I don't really want her to do the school run for a number of reasons. The other day DS told her about being told off at nursery for doing something before he was allowed to and she said "nobhead why are they shouting at him, there are better ways of doing it" . I can just imagine her marching in to school to give the teacher a piece of her mind if nhe gets told off at school.
2. DH and I just want to come home and relax on Friday nights after a long week at work. I'm not sure what the solution is TBH- she won't be happy unless she sees him at least once a week but DH and I work full time and never get to spend lots of time with DS as it is so we don't really want to spend every Sunday afternoon with them (they tend to take over and we don't see him for the whole time we are there as they disappear with him and don't really chat with me and DH when we visit) or leave him with them as we won't get to spend time family time with him. I understand that when he goes to school they will miss him terribly but isn't that just part of what happens when DGC grow up and go off to school- you inevitably aren't going to see them as much. I don't know what to do- any advice? AIBU?

I would really wait and see how school goes before making ANY plans tbh.

My two kids were sooooo tired after school when they first started, that they wouldn't have wanted to do anything else, especially on a Monday with the rest of the week still to go.

Just say to her 'thanks for the offer, we will sort something out, but let's wait and see'.

Good luck!

To me it seems like nobhead does not get on especially well with her mum and resents arranging enforced quality time for her mum and her son.

As someone who also has a baby-obsessed & petulant mother, I can empathise.

There seems to be a thread title issue here. I bet if the OP had put 'My pushy mother is insisting on being allowed to regularly look after my son but I don't really want her to' there would be a chorus of Mumsnet voices raised in the 'Don't let her push you around, he's your child' song.

I'd be so pleased to have someone pick up my boys and let dh and I go out on a Friday night. I klnow why you want to limit things but I think she has thought hard about her suggestion TBH.

I'm going against the grain here but alarm bells are ringing!

A few years ago when I went back to college and later to work, my mum was similarly "helpful" about childcare. Like you, I had reservations and initially insisted on DD (who wasn't in school yet) going to a childminder for at least 2 days a week so my mum would have some time to herself. But she went on and on about how silly it was for DD to be with the childminder when her grandma was free and willing to have her and so in the end that's what happened.

Fast forward 6 years. DS in year 5 now and DD in year 3. My mum does all the childcare and it would be impossible for me to change back to a childminder now as the kids simply would not understand why (and would not want to go to a childminder). The positives are that my mum sometimes has their friends to play after school and of course I don't have to rush home from work if busy as I know they are fine there. However, she constantly "forgets" to convey important messages/documents from school to me (including kids' reports), she has fallen out with various teachers at the school due to her "straight talking", and generally just disregards my wishes as to how the kids should spend their time after school. She also charges me several hundred pounds a month for looking after her DGS on the grounds that "you would have to pay a child minder".

As you can probably tell, although as far as the kids are concerned this arrangement is probably a good one overall, the scope for resentment is high. If I could go back, I would never have mixed "family" and childcare in this way. It's more or less ruined my relationship with my mum, which used to be very close. If I were you I would let your mum have DS after school one day on a day that suits you, and stick to childminder/after school club on the other days.

Nobhead, what are your thoughts about childcare in the school holidays, as someone else asked upthread? It's 13 weeks a year, how are you going to be able to cover it? You and your dh might end up being very grateful for your mum's help then... Something to bear in mind.

Hi guy's thanks for the replies again much appreciated . I don't have a problem with my Mum looking after him sure she's a little irritating but I actually really appreciate her help (although I may not have conveyed that too well so far) and he loves her and she is generally great with him (lets him get away with murder though). It's the trying to organise my life for me I don't appreciate- it's 4 months off we don't even know which school he is going to yet. I didn't commit to anything with her when we spoke on the phone I just said "it's 4 months away, I haven't thought about it yet TBH but we will sort something out" she replied "ohhh ok then" but with a huge sigh like she expecting me to say "yes ok Mum we'll do exactly as you say thanks that's an amazing idea". That's what bugs me- she has him all day on Friday from 7:45 until at least 5:30pm and at first she wasn't happy with just once a week and make little comments about it but I refused to give in and just brushed them off.
Sorry to drip feed I am tried to give all the info I could in my OP without it turning into a snooze fest. I just wanted some confirmation that I'm not being unreasonable in my thinking and that actually seeing her DGS once a week is reasonable.

You are right and NBU.

yanbu, but be warned that friday is probably the day most playdates take place, and most mums are available for a chat, (at least im my dcs school) so a tuesday afternoon might be best - see when the swimming / other classes are on before you commit to your mum's day.

YABU, it is one day a week and really she has a point. You have allowed them to do childcare on a friday, I don't see hwat the big deal is. Only point is, they need to take DS to their house, why don't you let them have him overnight?

so you have one day per week that you will collect from school as you are working the rest and you are going to use that time to supervise your son with your mother, just so she doesn't have to do the school run.

My mum is also overbearing but also loves my boys to bits. Do you think she will be happy having you there as well when its meant to be her "time" with him?

Why don't you see which school he gets into and then start looking at the childcare arrangements - you may have no choice but to accept help from your mum especially if the After School Club is full and so not accepting new children (as was the case at my sons school this year)

You sound a bit selfish. Are you jealous of your mum and babies relationship? It sounds that way to me?

Why aren't you pleased that she is prepared to help you whenever you want.you are so lucky and you don't realise it.

Your husband doesnt sound v nice. Why can't he just stay out of it. Your mum is good with your child like you said. I could understand if she wasn't but she is so your husband is acting like a child.

I think you are being very unfair to your mum. The reasons you have said don't sound like she is that mad. I feel sorry for her.

That was supposed to say the reasons you have given don't make your mum sound that bad

"Why don't you see which school he gets into and then start looking at the childcare arrangements"

Um, the whole reason for this thread is that her bossy nightmare of a mother wants this all locked down now.

"Do you think she will be happy having you there as well when its meant to be her "time" with him?"

Who cares?

Pandering to the unreasonable demands of possessive grandparents comes below doing what you think is best for your child in the Parenting Priorities Handbook.

you are horrible to your mum. remember that when your ds doesn't give a damn about you when you're older.

It's tricky. My mum is not near enough to help in the week. We explored moving nearer but couldn't get it sorted. I think nursery is important and family contact. Having said that, if you work then reliable childcare every day is critical isn't it. Is your mum a young grandmother? I mean not only in age but both mentally and physically. Is she in good health? I would be wary of relying on my mum if we had moved near as she should be enjoying retirement but also in case circumstances changed and she couldn't continue (meaning a prob finding a replacement childcare). I also know the grandparent /pfb gc is 'unique'. I think you are wise to be honest ... Just because you are offered help you don't have to accept

ATIYL, this thread isn't about doing what is best for the child, because we are not talking about wicked grandparents, who shouldn't be anywhere near him.

This thread is about the OP (and more to the point, her dh), having little tolerance of the gran and not wanting to be tied down to formal arrangements or to feel guilty because they are reluctant to spend weekend time at the gran's house (and I am sympathetic to that position)

But, the gran loves the child and is used to spending time with him. Naturally she wants that to continue and is basically seeking reassurance that she won't be forgotten about, when he goes to school. It's in the child's interests for him to spend time with his gran, because he loves her too.

When you have dc, you do often have to see IL's and parents more than you would have if you didn't have dc. It can be a pita, if your relationship with them is a bit prickly, but doing the one day per week after school seems like the ideal solution. The gran still gets contact, but the OP and her dh's is minimised, so good all round.

Would you consider making an arrangement for her to have him on inset days and for sometime during the school holidays with perhaps a monthly babysitting where he gets to spend the night on a day of your choosing?
It's doesn't sound like she's toxic or even mildly terrible tbh and the relationship benefits your DS.
Not helpful I know but I wished my Mum had been around to help, she was mildly annoying but loved her grandchildren very much.

How is it in the interests of a 4 year old boy for his mother to feel bullied into a formal arrangement with her mother months before he even starts school?

Answer: it's not.

The reassurance she needs that she will still see her grandson regularly should be "look, we'll still see you all the time. You can pick him up after school sometimes, and we'll come over. Let's just see how it goes."

That this won't suffice indicates that this is a selfish, peevish woman who does not need to have her sense of ownership of her grandson's time encouraged.

If something regular doesn't suit you then I'd tell her that. I've never had a regular arrangement with grandparents but did live away from them all.
A regular evening may be an advantage if it means you can plan to do stuff then but I agree that a Friday evening isn't a good one. You could pick a different evening, or just tell her that you will take him round sometimes and be vague. if your husband doesn't like her that may commit you both to seeing more of her though.
She sounds a bit clingy though and I wouldn't want anyone trying to tell me how to organise childcare for my children. Her bahaviour when you visit sounds odd as well. When i visited my parents they were always as pleased to see me as my kids, I'd have been upset if they just played with my kids and ignored me. Why are they finding little kids quite so fascinating? They sound as though they need more activities in their lives.
Suspect I'd go for a Tuesday (or other random day) option but tell her the day may change if your son wants activities then and may not happen if he gets invited to play with someone that evening.
Also be clear that you don't want her taking over your parenting role re the school and if she does get involved you will change the arrangements.

She's not being bullied. Her mum is trying to get something more formal, organised and is disappointed that her dd won't commit at this stage, but that is not the same as bullying. The mother has accepted that the OP doesn't know what she wants to do yet.

There is nothing actually wrong in the gran wanting to know what the arrangements will be when the child starts school - it does affect her life too.

I think that once a week is reasonable.
My MIL is similar to your mum, and its lovely that they have so much love and time for your children. But it does come with a pressure, that often people don't understand if they haven't had it. It causes me so much stress if DD doesnt see her grandparents once a week, they get so upset and make me feel guilty ( infact I'm feeling guilty today as its now been a week and nearly 2 weeks by the time they will next see her), as they would see her every day if they had the choice. My DD is the only thing that they want, and nothing else suffices, and its never enough. So I do understand what its like in a way :) The monday solution sounds good!

Karma it is bullying if the mother is going to throw a shit fit, (which she has form for when she doesn't get her own way) and op is walking on egg shells so as not to upset her.

The OP has said repeatedly that she feels bullied by her mother.

And she was raised by her, so I'm going with that rather than what you think.

It's easy to see why, if you were brought up by the kind of woman who would throw a toddler tantrum over your of childcare, that you might be vulnerable to emotional blackmail and bullying.

"There is nothing actually wrong in the gran wanting to know what the arrangements will be when the child starts school - it does affect her life too."

The mother doesn't even know which school he will be going to.

The people whose lives will be most affected by this are the little boy and his parents.

When they have had a chance to figure out arrangements, then she can ask how it affects her. To make a fuss about knowing so early is just acting like a spoilt little baby.

It affects her life too

She's a grown woman who will see her grandson on a different schedule. Normal people do not need four months notice of that kind of minor change.

The level of pressure she is bringing to bear about sorting out her grandson's life to suit her would make me worried about how she is going to respond to other changes as he grows up.

I'm not sure someone who wants to control a 4 year old's weekly schedule for her own enjoyment to that extent is a healthy influence on a growing child and their burgeoning independence.

You can just imagine the shit fit she'll throw if the child arranges a play date on "her" day.

But she hasn't thrown a shit fit. She's made a suggestion (quite nicely phrased), which the Op isn't keen on. Fair enough.

I know she's doing the whole injured sigh thing (and I know how much that can piss a person off - my mil could give master classes in it!), but the OP seems quite good at ignoring these.

I think there's a danger of cutting her nose off to spite her face. Yes, she can insist on no formal arrangement, because it is annoying when someone tries to pin you down to organised arrangements, but the likelihood, if she does that, is that she and her dh will end up seeing more of her than they are comfortable with (at weekends). If they go for the one evening a week arrangement, the child spends time there, but the OP doesn't have to. Which is a result imo.

The OP says she has parents who will do anything for her. I think, in return, the gran is entitled to a bit of consideration.

And from an utterly selfish pov, the time may come when the OP (and her dh) really need some help with child care. To alienate the people who would provide it is daft, when, with a bit of thought and compromise, everyone can get something close to what they want.

I'm not sure that it's entirely relevant that the school hasn't been chosen yet - he will be going to school.

Some people like to know all their arrangements way in advance, which is annoying if you are not like that yourself, but not indicative of anything sinister or controlling.