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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell DH to slim down in strong terms

98 replies

Siane · 14/04/2012 23:10

DH has put on 3 stone and I've gone off him physically. I told him so this week and he looked so hurt it's as if he were bleeding. But he's at risk of all sorts of health issues, stuffs his face constantly and still expects me to go weak at the knees for him. I've tried subtlety for a year then just cracked...feel guilty now but it's been making me cross tbh. Argh.

OP posts:

yousankmybattleship · 14/04/2012 23:12

If you love him it shouldn't matter what shape he is. By all means encourage him to be healthy, but that doesn't always mean the same as being slim. Maybe you're just shallow.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2012 23:13

Have you tried helping him instead of 'telling' him?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 14/04/2012 23:13

I take it you are perfectly toned, honed and slim then OP?

Calamityboo · 14/04/2012 23:14

How would you feel if he said that to you?

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2012 23:14

It's not shallow to say she's no longer physically turned on by him.

Being physically attracted to someone and loving them don't always go hand in hand...particularly where a very large weight gain is concerned.

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2012 23:14

I think you could have dealt with it better, to be honest. You know it's a difficult subject.

I do think that he needs to be told - not that he's unattractive because that is always really difficult to hear - but that you love him and want him to live for as long as possible.

When you say he stuffs his face, could you try just not having things in? Or will he just eat anything?

Tortington · 14/04/2012 23:15

actually siane - ,i'm with you on this

its not shallow in the least. believe me if you saw my dh you would know what i mean - but theres a difference between cuddle and so fat you have to move the belly to fuck him

its not sexy.

dh is on a diet

doormat · 14/04/2012 23:15

how would you feel if it was you who had put on the weight and had gone off you sexually..sorry but i think YABU and bang out of order

i packed in the ciggies 7 yrs ago and piled on loads on weight within 3 mths,,, my dh went off me and told me it was because of the weight i had put on...devastated was not the word,,,i went straight back on the fags as i couldnt cope with the hurt....i wouldnt mind but he did things sublety too like, bike rides, jogging etc...i thought he was pro keep fir..it was in fact pro get me slim again....it really hurt

Tortington · 14/04/2012 23:15

cuddly*

AgentZigzag · 14/04/2012 23:15

I don't believe you have the 'right' to make him change, but I understand it's difficult to get your head round why he wouldn't want to - if not for himself, then for you.

It's a good job a lot of relationships are built on more than just looks, because nobody can defy the way age changes your body. It makes you realise it's less about the persons body and more about the kind of person they are.

I know you must know this, but you have to think differently about it or you're going to have trouble in your relationship.

Imachocolateportal · 14/04/2012 23:16

YABU. Would you be happy if your DH "told" you to change physically or lose weight?

Have you sat down and asked him how he feels about the weight gain? Offered to help with a meal plan/excercise plan, or to do this jointly with him? I am thinking that would work alot better than telling someone to slim down.

You cannot tell another adult that they must lose weight. If it is a deal breaker for you that is your choice, but your DH must want to lose weight himself or he will not do it. I very much doubt you hurting him and lowering his self confidence will help him.

SpamMarie · 14/04/2012 23:16

There are different ways of breaching this, some nicer than others. If you said you were worried about his health, that's one way. If you said you've gone off him physically, that's another way, but I wouldn't be surprised he was upset! Not clear that's what you said, but gee if you did - whoops! I could understand if DH wanted me to lose weight for my health, but if he told me he found my body a turn-off, I'd be rather inconsolable.

I get that it's frustrating, but is thre anything you can do that doesn't make him feel nagged? Are you in charge of food shopping or cooking dinner? If so, why not cook healthily for the whole family, and he'll at least have to tag along. It dosn't matter if you don't need to lose weight, eating healthily won;t do you or the kids any harm. Nothing worse than telling someone they need to lose weight, then expecting them to watch you eat chips!

PinguFanatic · 14/04/2012 23:16

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think that partners should make some effort towards their own health / appearance. What you may want to consider though is that there maybe reasons why he's constantly eating. Depression for instance.
Can you help him. Cooking healthier meals, making sure there aren't snacks in the house, doing exercises together.
Maybe go down the route of "I want to lose some weight / get fit, do you want to join me?"

AWomanCalledHorse · 14/04/2012 23:17

Yanbu. It's not shallow to want to be attracted to your OH, esp. when they're overweight enough to have you worried about health risks.
I'd rather be with someone honest enough to admit when they find me unattractive than someone who is unhappy but keeps schtum.

Who is incharge of the food shops in your house OP? Is there anyway DH can take up more exercise (something you can do together)?

GilbertandGeorge · 14/04/2012 23:19

I think as you have tried to be subtle for a year and it hasn't worked, YANBU.

Of course, he's hurt - fat people are often in denial. But it's not attractive and it's not healthy.

I can tell if my dh has put on a couple of pounds, and I tell him! But we are both very shallow open about the fact that we would not fancy each other if we were fat.

carernotasaint · 14/04/2012 23:22

Lets hope you dont have to go on steroids due to illness then.

Original poster

Siane · 14/04/2012 23:23

It's no shallow..it's honest. I don't fancy him when he's this fat and I'd be lying if I said I did. We've been together 11 years and he's yo-yoed a lot but there's always been a reason a d I've understood- redundancy, house move, stress with the kids. But I'm fed up now watching him eat and eat and not mention it. I watch what I eat here and there so I don't slide up too high now I'm a bit older and partly it's so i still look vaguely like someone he might fancy. But think he needs to put a bit of effort in tbh..hmmm.
Seems like some of you do thnk that's U.

OP posts:

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 14/04/2012 23:23

Hijack alert....if it's ok for the OP to tell her DH she's gone off him due to his weight...can I do the same to my DH about his new beard? I can't bear it. It's like kissing a fanny and I'm not into that.

I have asked him when he's shaving it and he keeps saying he likes it.

yousankmybattleship · 14/04/2012 23:23

Good lord. I am really shocked that there are people here who admit that they would not fancy their partner if they were fat. What if they had an accident or were disfigured in some way? What about when they get old? I fancy my husband because he is clever, kind, funny, loving and he would be sexy to me if he was six stone or twenty six stone. Of course I want him to be healthy because I want to keep him about for as long as possible, but to talk about weight gain in terms of no longer fancying someone is depressingly shallow.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2012 23:24

I think 'telling' him to lose weight and telling him you've gone off him physically (though it's understandable) was definitely wrong.

A better way to have done it was to concentrate on telling him you're worried about his health and concentrate on helping and supporting him.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2012 23:26

but to talk about weight gain in terms of no longer fancying someone is depressingly shallow

I disagree

To talk about weight gain in terms of no longer loving someone is depressingly shallow.

But you can't help what physically turns you on and what doesn't.

GilbertandGeorge · 14/04/2012 23:26

If my toned, slim and fit husband stopped looking after himself, and I'm talking about excessive weight gain due to greediness not illness, medication etc, yes, I would find him much less attractive.

Of course I would still love him, but fancy him? Not so much.

Yellowtip · 14/04/2012 23:27

Seems utterly reasonable to me OP.

yousankmybattleship · 14/04/2012 23:28

Fair point Worra, but if you love someone surely you should think about their feelings and telling them point blank that you don't fancy them because of their weight gain is just cruel.

Imachocolateportal · 14/04/2012 23:29

Siane - I totally agree that you cannot control what you are physically attracted to. That is not really the problem at all.

However it comes down to how you handel this situation. I am not sure exactly what you said when you told him to lose weight. If done in the tone of "Your repulsive lose weight now" then it's not on. It needs to be approahced in a supportive way. Both to help actually lose the weight and to find out why he has put on so much.

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