AIBU to tell DH to slim down in strong terms

[Siane]

DH has put on 3 stone and I've gone off him physically. I told him so this week and he looked so hurt it's as if he were bleeding. But he's at risk of all sorts of health issues, stuffs his face constantly and still expects me to go weak at the knees for him. I've tried subtlety for a year then just cracked...feel guilty now but it's been making me cross tbh. Argh.

We absolutely agree on that yousank

I think the OP was out of order and handled it all the wrong way.

If anything, it might be likely to make him comfort eat all the more

Actually if it was medication the fancying bit would still be relevant, just less justifiable.

Greediness? Get a grip.

No, yousankmybattleship - it's not "depressingly shallow". If I said I no longer loved him, that would be. But he's huge, and down, and defensive and greedy. And that is not attractive. Active, positive, self restrained and more toned...is.

Siane. If he fancies thoughtless and tactless you're all set. Lucky man!

I think it's really because the DH appears not to make the effort for OP yet she does for him. In that light, her feelings are not just understandable, but justified.

But the OP said she has tried being subtle for a year and then just cracked.

If he wasn't listening to her subtle hints, I am not unsympathetic.

I did handle it in a shit way. (falls on sword)
I told him that he looked enormous and was fed up with tip toeing round it. But that has been after a solid year of cooking well, trying to exercise together, worrying about his health, bucking him up with how much i love him and want to hang on to him.
But none of it worked so I tried the shock tactic.
I probably have bloody blown it and he's probably out now crying into a kebab

i think if you tried being subtle, and it didnt work, then best just tell him before it gets any worse.
I think its a shame if people just let themselves go with no care about looking nice for their partner after a while.

You're saying you don't like it because your DH is getting stressed about shit that's happening in your life, getting down, negative, and eating more, and you're piling the stress on him by telling him he's unattractive as well?

I'd probably be defensive too.

Siane - I would say you need to try to make good of a crap situation. I think it may be time for a real heart to heart, starting with an apology for the way it came out.

If I were you, I think I would try to start along the lines of apology, worried something is on his mind causing him to confort eat and asking what I can do to help him. With a great big dose of all the things you do find great about him.

Imachocolateportal - that is a nice message. You're right. Thanks x

you are certainly up for the most supportive wife of the year award....

That's fucking helpful.

I think people need to be fair to the OP here. She has tried for a year and DH has ignored her. I'm writing this on tenterhooks because I'm overweight myself and have probably put on over a stone since first meeting DH (and was curvy then, getting chubby now!). If my DH tried gently persuading me and then basically said, "I don't fancy you any more" I would cry too. But then I would take a long hard look at myself and think - do I really want my own husband (most loving man in the world) to find me unsexy? Love and sex are not the same thing - if you're lucky they go hand in hand but let's be honest here and admit that physical attraction is important too.

If I were you, I think I would try to start along the lines of apology, worried something is on his mind causing him to confort eat and asking what I can do to help him. With a great big dose of all the things you do find great about him

Yes I agree.

You've fucked up OP but that doesn't mean you can't try to 'repair' things.

I think positive reinforcement....listing all the things you love about him might help.

Angelico - it's a minefield. My body's changed loads since the kids - tits round my knees etc. if DH said something about that, I'd be cut up. But then I can't help it and he can so I do feel he could make a change, for himself, for me and for us.
I've just got to chose my words/ moments better x

If he's been like this through your married life, can he help it?

It doesn't look like he can.

OP, you accept that the way you addressed the situation was a bit cackhanded.
You can't take back what you said, true, but TBH , maybe it's best said, out in the open.

Your DH didn't put on 3 stone overnight did he? It takes months.
So it'll take months to lose the weight.
He's an adult. He's responsible for his own actions.
The saddest phrase to me is "crying into a kebab". His comfort is food.

Ask yourself this.
If you took him to his doctor, what would they have said? Would your doctor have glossed over or pandered to his feelings? Probably not.

It might be a good idea to book him a check up. Let him know what he's doing to himself.

OP- tomorrow is another day. Start fresh.

What - so that's it? Just let him get to 18 stone, get diabetes and have a heart attack because he likes eating? Over my dead body..Of course he can help it. Even if it's an eating addiction, there'll be a way. Like anything. You wouldn't say - oh, he's smoked for 11 years so can he help it?

I've been married for nearly 30 years.

We made vows - in front of witnesses.

DH now has a small pot belly - he didn't have that when I married him.

I have truly horrible cellulite - which I didn't have when I married him.

DH is going grey.

I now have a thickened waist.

I have a creased neck/chest area.

DH has bags under his eyes.

You know what?

We still love each other - and we made vows.

You married your DH. You made vows. You either love him or you don't. By all means try to encourage him to be healthy but don't pull the crap about not finding him attractive.
If a husband said that about a wife on here all hell would break loose.

Sorry - my last post was for Agentzigzag.
70isalimit - good points. You are right. It does need facing. Thank you xx

YANBU if you have tried for a year to get him to stop eating so much. It isn't attractive to watch and clearly your DH hasn't taken the hint.

Of course it would hurt if my DH said the same thing to me but some times it is necessary if kinder, subtler ways had failed - it is both a relationship and somebody's health on the line here and allowing anybody to ruin either for the sake of not saying something seems wrong. I would hope, if it were me on the receiving end, that being hurt would at least make me think about what I was doing and make me change my ways or at least lead to a discussion on what can be done and how I got this way.

I would be less sympathetic if the one off, end of the tether remarks became constant nagging (for want of a better word). If you are going to use the short sharp shock technique, it has to be short and sharp and not repeated. I agree that now you have dealt the blow you need to be kinder and work out, together, the best way for him to get his weight under control.

Salmotrutta. - I do love him and I find him less attractive right now. The 2 things are not incompatible. It's actually the constant eating I find unattractive almost more than the size. That's the honest truth and I'm sorry you find that so fickle.

Personally I don't find older people unattractive so I don't know why anyone would compare piling on fat with getting old?

Everyone's going to get old (if we're lucky) but that doesn't mean we won't still be physically attracted to our Husbands/Wives.

Piling on weight however can be helped so that's where the OP is coming from.

But this isn't about any health implications BBB, the OP was about Siane finding him unattractive.

That is, all about her, not him.