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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell DH to slim down in strong terms

98 replies

Siane · 14/04/2012 23:10

DH has put on 3 stone and I've gone off him physically. I told him so this week and he looked so hurt it's as if he were bleeding. But he's at risk of all sorts of health issues, stuffs his face constantly and still expects me to go weak at the knees for him. I've tried subtlety for a year then just cracked...feel guilty now but it's been making me cross tbh. Argh.

OP posts:

GilbertandGeorge · 15/04/2012 00:02

Excessive weight gain and ageing are not comparable.

Ageing is not fixable, weight gain usually is.

Original poster

Siane · 15/04/2012 00:02

BBB - Innit. Thx.
Off to sleep, iPad flat. Thanks all for input. Tomoz I will be supportive and not resort to that again..regret the words but not the deed...

OP posts:

raffle · 15/04/2012 00:06

Gilbert, weight gain from meds/illness surely is exactly the same as weight gain from unhealthy eating in terms of the end result? It means he would be bigger..so unsure how you would find it different when it comes to fancying him?

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2012 00:06

Well I hope it works out well for you both Siane

Remember now you've opened a wound, you're going to have to be there to help him close it and give him as much love and support as you can.

Imachocolateportal · 15/04/2012 00:07

I hope it goes well Siane :)

Salmotrutta · 15/04/2012 00:08

Salmotrutta. - I do love him and I find him less attractive right now. The 2 things are not incompatible. It's actually the constant eating I find unattractive almost more than the size. That's the honest truth and I'm sorry you find that so fickle

I never said you were fickle.

I merely implied a lack of commitment.

inchoccyheaven · 15/04/2012 00:10

I am 4 stone heavier than when DH first got together and if he told me he found me unattractive I would be very upset. I don't know if it would be the kick up the bum to get me to lose weight and exercise or have me reaching for more food, probably the latter.

However I have become more and more unhappy about my weight and the way I look recently and know that I need to start exercising and cutting down on food intake.

Your DH will only lose the weight when he feels ready to do so and has to do it for himself, not you ultimately. Comfort eating and overeating is a difficult thing to stop and won't happen overnight.

Incidently, my DH is also heavier than when we first got together but it hasn't stoped me fancying him though.

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2012 00:14

I'm just thinking out loud now but....

If someone isn't happy about their own weight after they stripped naked and looked in the mirror, being brutally honest with themselves.

Why is it not ok for their partner to also be unhappy with the weight?

Why would that make the partner shallow for being less physically attractive to that person, when that person also is unhappy with the amount of fat on their body?

Original poster

Siane · 15/04/2012 00:16

Worra - cheers mate. Also imachoc.
Salmotrutta - that's out of order. 'merely' a lack of commitment? I've supported this man through redundancy, insolvency, bereavement and raised his three kids. After all that, i'm allowed to have a view on the impact of his escalating weight gain on the physical side of the relationship. Think about possible contexts before you dole out comments like that.

OP posts:

BigBoobiedBertha · 15/04/2012 00:18

AgentZigZag - it is about health implications and attractiveness and about how his weight is affecting both of them. It is in the OP. The two are linked anyway. Worrying about her DH's health and yet watching him continue to hurt himself by being greedy are not going to make him attractive to her. She says she has tried looking after his health, cooking him healthy meals and getting him to exercise, but it hasn't worked and perhaps he doesn't care. Maybe he does care more about the OP not finding him attractive. Maybe that is the thing that is going to make him sit up and take notice if worrying about his health hasn't.

Salmotrutta · 15/04/2012 00:18

I should expand OP:

When I got married to DH the idea was that you married for better or worse.

If you don't marry you should still have a similar commitment to the "for better or worse" if you love each other.

Whatever your belief - you bind to your partner. For better or worse.

Unless of course one of you gets fat.

1950sHousewife · 15/04/2012 00:20

Siane - I do understand where you are coming from.

My DH (DP at the time) and I lived in different countries for 5 months about 8 years ago. When I came back, it looked like someone had eaten my DP. He was very blobby and unhealthy looking. Turns out, he was smoking fags, drinking lager and eating takeouts every night while I was away.

I was blunt with him about it. He was horrified he'd let it get that bad. He went back to the gym, ate healthily and within 2 months he was back to being slim.

He is also blunt with me as well if my arse is getting too porky. I'd rather have the honesty personally. Sometimes, a kick in the butt is the best thing.

Equally, if your DH is really upset, you need to do some serious repairs, quickly. But hide the crisps at the same time.

TheSockPuppet · 15/04/2012 00:22

OP, maybe you could go to the gym together or take up a sport together and try and encourage him to loose the weight. I don't think you were unreasonable, you were honest and said you weren't attracted to him, you didnt say you didn't love him anymore.

solidgoldbrass · 15/04/2012 00:22

Thing is, it's his body and not yours. You can't make him lose weight and it's not up to you whether he chooses to eat or not. Ask yourself if you're actually prepared to leave him if he doesn't stop eating. If so, start making plans to do so. If not, stop nagging.

Salmotrutta · 15/04/2012 00:22

Siane - we have all supported our partners through all sorts of shit. That's what for better or worse actually means. Didn't you get that?

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2012 00:24

I don't think cooking well, exercising with him, telling him how much you love him and want to hang onto him and understanding the problems he's been through over the years shows a lack of commitment at all....far from it.

You've accepted you went the wrong way about it, you've admitted you were frustrated when you said what you did.

It seems your only 'crime' to some posters is having the honesty to say you don't find his 3 stone of fat that he's gained 'physically attractive' and you're not exactly turned on by his greed.

Some will find that hard to read and others will identify with it...but either way you can't help your own true feelings.

Original poster

Siane · 15/04/2012 00:24

Salmotrutta - eh??? At you not reading this? I'm not leaving him. I'm not saying I don't love him. I am 'bound' to him, to use your phrase. For better or for worse. And no matter how fat he gets, I'll stay with him. But I am not deluding myself that I will find that physically attractive. Maybe we'll sit holding hands talking about art, the universe and literature.
But I will not be getting jiggy with it.
Over and out.

OP posts:

GilbertandGeorge · 15/04/2012 00:26

raffle - if my husband got fat and unhealthy for whatever reason, I wouldn't find him desperately attractive.

If it was for reasons beyond his control, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. But if it was because he was over eating, I would.

Salmotrutta · 15/04/2012 00:26

Oh and by the way - yes, you do sound uncommited if weight gain is a criteria for attractiveness.

AWomanCalledHorse · 15/04/2012 00:26

Good luck Siane, and Mr.Siane!!

Hopefully once the weight starts coming off, and the comfort eating is under control, he'll start getting his confidence back...which means you'll have a shagadelic DH

1950s I was about to post something v.similar, my DH is fat atm & I'm flabby (post baby mum tum) we find each other equally physically unattractive so are honest enough to point out how crap the other looks. Just because we love each other doesn't mean we should have to put up with something that can be changed.

Tortington · 15/04/2012 00:27

actually sometimes you can sniff around the edge of a subject and hint and not get anywhwere - but being honest and upfront about it will force a change

i dont think thees an issue here tbh

it does bring up an interesting question about why women are expected to put up with fat blokes

Salmotrutta · 15/04/2012 00:28

Siane - clearly we are at odds.

I bid you good night.

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2012 00:29

Salmotrutta

Are you physically and sexually attracted to everything?

If your Husband came to bed wearing high heels, stockings and suspenders and a lacy camisole...would you still want to shag him purely because you married him?

Or would you truthfully admit (if only to yourself) that you didn't find that look physically attractive?

Salmotrutta · 15/04/2012 00:35

I never said I was attracted to everything worra - my DH wasn't given to donning female garb when I met him.

If he had subsequently acquired that trait I would have pondered.

That is a psychological issue - not a physical one.

All I'msaying is that I made vows when I married DH - I'm not religious but a promise is a promise.
I try not to break them.

mrsruffallo · 15/04/2012 00:36

I love the person. Sex is an expresson of the love you feel. I would discuss the health implications of being vastly overweight, but I would never tell DH that I found him unattractive. I hope Icould still see the beauty within.

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